To expect my mum to help with her grandchildren?

[flingaling77]

My mum is 68 years old and quite well. She lives a few minutes down the road. She is retired and on her own since my dad died. During covid she stepped back and refused to be part of our bubble at times. We have a 6yo daughter and a 3 yo son. My son has a speech delay and has behaviour issues. My husband and I found lockdown very tough and argued frequently. We considered splitting up due to the strain of his behaviour and the need for constant supervision. His parents live in Cornwall which is 6 hours away from us. They are older but amazing and so hands on. I feel closer to them than my mum really. We chose to live near my mum to support her but we get little help. She makes us feel guilty and is reluctant. She blames lack of confidence but she has made it clear that she wouldn't like to do a lot of childcare like some of her friends. She has said she would have my son for 1 day a fortnight only while I work. I feel hard done by as most of my friends get more help than us. AIBU to expect my mum to want to help with the kids?

Maybe the age of parents and retirement has not been taken into consideration. I had my DCs at 25, DD at 35, I retired at 67, my DM at 60. My parents went through rationing and no junk food, lots of walking and cycling. Me - too much sugar , wine and rich food, and drive everywhere

"We considered splitting up due to the strain of his behaviour and the need for constant supervision"

Im honestly not trying to be horrible OP jut could it be that your mum doesn't like your husband or thinks he needs to do more or thinks you would need less support if you werent policing him so why should she pick up the pieces for his failings?

While I did post earlier this thread saying the OP doesn't know how lucky she is (whichbi still stand by - I would kill for a day a fortnight of free childcare and have literally no help!)... I also want to post to disagree with a few things I've read here. While grandparents don't have responsibility to help out, and shouldn't be expected to provide free childcare in this way, comments like grandparents should be aware to 'enjoy fun times with their grandchildren (when they choose) and hand them back when they've had enough' are also annoying. Why 'when THEY choose'? Why can't it be a mutually beneficial discussion? Or why can't grandparents help out just once in a while - I'm not saying constantly, but for a special occasion perhaps - just to do a nice thing?
Also the thing about 'hand them back when they've had enough' rankles me. When I had my first baby, he was a real crier. I desperately needed a break from him - even just 5 minutes of not walking around trying to get him to stop crying, or to give me a chance to use the toilet or even have a shower. But I remember my mother picking him up, and when he started crying 30 seconds later, handing him back saying 'I'll have him when he's happier'. I wished she would have just tried to comfort him. I went out for a pub lunch for my dad's birthday another time, with extended family, and I was the one in the corner of the pub on my own, or in the porch, trying to get him to stop crying. Nobody offered to hold him or give him a break. Another time I asked my brother (I appreciate this thread is about grandparents but another family example) to hold my son for a mo and he refused, saying he'll have enough of that when he has his own kids. I do think these are selfish attitudes. Yes, we choose to have children and itbis our responsibility to look after them. I do think the OP has unrealistic expectations and is ungrateful for the help she does get. But also, in response to other posters, I find it cold and uncaring to say grandparents should only interact with grandchildren on their terms. Whatever happened to helping out with family? I really hope I remember what it's been like for me, and one day am the kind of grandparent that is happy to help my sons and their families out (if they have kids) every now and again at least ... because I love them!

Oh surreygirl that is awful.
We had total strangers hold our grizzly baby in a hotel restaurant as we were passing him between us in order to eat!
It was the "grandad" who took him too.

This is such a hard one. My parents help us where they can but it’s definitely not as much as many of my friends get. I try very hard not to be resentful about it.

My in laws do nothing however. My MIL likes to tell me she’s done her time parenting (albeit crapply tbh) despite me never asking for help from her. I assume she feels guilty about the amount of help her friends give their children . I will be remembering it when they want help when they need it frankly and won’t be dropping everything to do them any favours. She’s seen us struggle when one of us is ill etc and not lifted a finger.

I’d move to Cornwall OP. Your mum’s made her bed

@HermioneKipper

I’d move to Cornwall OP. Your mum’s made her bed

Bloody hell.

@aSofaNearYou why bloody hell? The OP’s mum has made it clear she’s not interested in spending time with them. They’ve got the option of going to Cornwall where loving grandparents want to be near them. They should go for it

To be fair this lady has offered full time care for a day to a seemingly difficult child she has already said she has no advice how to handle.
In the circumstances I'd have maybe asked my mum to do drop offs at professional childcare.

@flingaling77

In addition, I don't think it's her responsibility. I just wish she would want to get involved like my in laws do even if she physically couldn't. She was a very hands on affectionate mum so I didn't think she wouldn't want to be involved much.

But your in-laws live six hours away, so I presume that when they see your kids, you're there as well. Easy to step up when your grandkids are visiting for a few days. I bet they spend a few days recovering when you go home though!

@HermioneKipper

I’d move to Cornwall OP. Your mum’s made her bed

Something tells me that the OP will also have made her bed if she moves to Cornwall expecting oodles of free childcare.

@rottd

How are today's 30 yr olds going to work till 70?!

Exactly. Nurses on busy wards, police officers how are they going to cope. Government are hoping everyone dies off before they have to pay a pension

Government are hoping everyone dies off before they have to pay a pension

Of course they are, that’s why the bankrupted the country to protect us all from covid.

Today’s 30 year olds are no different to people born in the 1950s who started work at 16 and will get their pension at 67. Around a third of today’s 30 year olds didn’t start work until they were 21 or 22 so, if they retire at 70, they’ll still have worked fewer years.

Police officers get their full occupational pension after 30 years and nurses can claim theirs at 55.

Government are hoping everyone dies off before they have to pay a pension

If the government pays any attention to the ONS, they will know Covid apart, the problem is not that people will die before state pension age, but that life expectancy disability free is not the same as life expectancy and it's correlated to income deprivation. Life expectancy has been going up, but life expectancy disability free has not been going up at the same rate. There is no evidence all the working population can work to 66, 67 or 70.

So, 1/3 of the poorest will suffer chronic conditions, compared to 1/6 of the richest. Life expectancy disability free is something like 62.3 for men and 61.6 for women. Those people affected by chronic conditions in their 50s and early 60s also find it harder to get another job.

You in laws don’t see the DS often I assume so all that fuss is compacted in to a week.

I don’t think you understand ageing at all op. DH and I are mid fifties, I unfortunately do have health issues, DH doesn’t. He can still do everything that he did when we met in our twenties, I can’t due to disability. But for him to recover from those activities takes longer. He still runs regularly but it’s not as fast. He did some gardening all day last week and felt a bit achey after because he was still chucking stuff about like he was 21.

So as much as we can all do stuff if we are healthy and ageing doesn’t mean you are over the hill, stuff to do is just a bit more taxing.

Hi Intercity225. My best friend is a nurse. She can't claim her occupational pension until 57 as they have increased the age.
The age you can claim your occupational pension depends on how old you are now. We are both currently 46 and cannot claim an occupational pension until 57!

@YummieMummyof3

Hi - scroll down to section 5, figure 3

www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/healthandsocialcare/healthandlifeexpectancies/bulletins/disabilityfreelifeexpectancybyuppertierlocalauthority/england2012to2014

It shows disability free life expectancy in the top 5 local authorities and bottom 5. Tower Hamlets comes bottom with DFLE of about 55 for men and 52 for women. Generally, the North comes off worse than the South though.

None of the ONS and Kings Fund reports I have read, have mentioned occupational pensions. However, as the factors affecting chronic conditions, include income deprivation and education, I would expect nurses not to be in the bottom section of society for these?

Hi Intercity225

I have been reading about the pensions. It is disgusting that people are waiting longer for pensions. However this thread is about a healthy 68 year old woman who does not assist her daughter as much as she could.

I really feel for OP who is struggling. This has been made worse with the covid situation.

My Mother was very laize fair when is came to assisting me. When I had to take a disabled child to hospital she refused to look after my oldest child! I didn't expect assistance from her! Nor did I receive much help. Now she is old, she got her pension at 60. My children are grown up. I chose to return the compliment. She would like me to visit more than once a week. I chose not to. She expects more from me. That is not going to happen.

I am interested to see what happens when she gets infirm!

One day a fortnight would be fucking great. YABU.

My mother was open with me and said she would not babysit or look after the children until they were seven.
When my younger child was born we moved away for my husband's job. I had no help whatsoever, no automatic washing machine, no disposable nappies, no central heating and very little money. We coped, we had no choice.
I help out with my grandchildren to some extent but would find small ones exhausting. We are both in our mid seventies and simply haven't got the energy to do more than we do. Also, I never particularly enjoyed small children when mine were small and feel the same about my grandchildren. I love them but don't want the hands on job of looking after them. Those days are done.