To expect my mum to help with her grandchildren?

[flingaling77]

My mum is 68 years old and quite well. She lives a few minutes down the road. She is retired and on her own since my dad died. During covid she stepped back and refused to be part of our bubble at times. We have a 6yo daughter and a 3 yo son. My son has a speech delay and has behaviour issues. My husband and I found lockdown very tough and argued frequently. We considered splitting up due to the strain of his behaviour and the need for constant supervision. His parents live in Cornwall which is 6 hours away from us. They are older but amazing and so hands on. I feel closer to them than my mum really. We chose to live near my mum to support her but we get little help. She makes us feel guilty and is reluctant. She blames lack of confidence but she has made it clear that she wouldn't like to do a lot of childcare like some of her friends. She has said she would have my son for 1 day a fortnight only while I work. I feel hard done by as most of my friends get more help than us. AIBU to expect my mum to want to help with the kids?

If it gets to the point I need care, I will move into a care home, I like my sex life

@grownuplefthome

If it gets to the point I need care, I will move into a care home, I like my sex life

You won’t get much of a sex life in a care home!

My mum lives 2 hours away, and my DHs long-divorced parents live almost as far away in the other direction.

Neither set of parents (my own dad died when the DCs were 8 months old) have ever provided any sort of regular childcare. A handful of times they've watched the kids while DH and I have slipped off for a couple of hours, but that's literally it.

Neither DH or myself had any significant contact with grandparents growing up. A visit maybe twice a year was it.

Only good thing with being independent is that my mum cant throw that at me now how much help was given.!! I see gp doing full T care but thats not right either. My sister never had help. They had creche that was it. I did odd bit babysitting

You never know! Lol

There is another post running on MN about a MIL who turned up to the holiday cottage unannounced to be with the family: such is her family involvement that it all went a bit too far (for DIL anyway).

Each family has a different internal culture. In earlier years, she might have lead you to believe she would have helped out, or you may indeed have friends with the mother you wish you'd had. Sadly, those folks have their own issues with the interfering mother situation, or giving the kids no boundaries and over-dosing them on sugar and returning them to you after a long day as high as a kite.

Whichever mother you have ended up with she ain't perfect - and neither will you be.

To all of those who are saying op is being unreasonable.

What happens when op's mother is older and inevitably needs help / care from her daughter?

Would op be unreasonable not to help her?

I think help gets passed down and up through generations, and although she shouldn't necessarily expect help, it would not be unreasonable to hope for it and I understand her disappointment.... I didn't have kids to let go of them at 18 and watch them struggle.

I also think that today's parents have a very different set of challenges and with longer working hours tend to need more help with childcare than before.

My parents and In laws had help from their parents, as they did from theirs. But help for many seemed to get stuck at this generation... and it seems we are unreasonable to feel disappointed about this :(

She raised you - her job is done. She's retired and frankly why should she help raise your kids? You chose to have them. She is more than entitled to want to visit only. Being a hands on grandparent is a choice. I can't imagine expecting my mum who is also alone that I expect her to care for my kids and they are flipping easy going quite ones. It's not fair. She raised her family alone through no choice of her own, why the hell should I now expect her to care for mine? (I'm also a lone parent so no partner to help).

Personally I find it selfish that people expect their parents to be free childcare - if they volunteer and ask to help then hell yes but to their availability. To expect help is pretty lazy, especially if you know your kids are hard work - if you struggle how the hell do you expect an older person with no experience in dealing with issues to cope? Even when young and fit, caring for kids past retirement is mentally exhausting! My mum was a young 63, fit, still working part time when I had my son and want to help 1 day a week. She was exhausted mentally and by the 2nd I made it clear she didn't have to do anything. She is happy to do bits and bobs but as a regular thing it was just too much.

I would say your mum is unable to cope with your son's needs and she has every right to say no regardless of how the other grandparents cope.

Also - mum being older and needing help later on has nothing to do with her refusing to help kids!

Mum raised me, fed, watered, changed me and put up with my moods, therefore when she needs help and care when older I help, she did her job getting me to adulthood. It has nothing to do with my kids. The help bond is between parent and child not grandparent helping grandkids to get child to care when they are older.

@bemusedmoose

Also - mum being older and needing help later on has nothing to do with her refusing to help kids!

Mum raised me, fed, watered, changed me and put up with my moods, therefore when she needs help and care when older I help, she did her job getting me to adulthood. It has nothing to do with my kids. The help bond is between parent and child not grandparent helping grandkids to get child to care when they are older.

Yes, I find the link between childcare for grandkids and care in later life a bit odd. Either you care about them and appreciate what they did for you bringing you up, or for whatever reason you don't, surely.

I really think the exacerbating factor here is that the 3yo displays such challenging behaviour that his own parents are struggling to cope and are feeling the strain within their marriage.

I think op's mum is on her own and nearly 70. She's offered a full day every other week. I really think that's probably as much as she can cope with and threatening to withdraw whatever support she might receive in return is quite cruel.

My parents and In laws had help from their parents, as they did from theirs. But help for many seemed to get stuck at this generation... and it seems we are unreasonable to feel disappointed about this :(

This is about a 3 year old with challenging behaviour. I have a DD with SEN, who was always in special provision. I listened to countless parents talking over the years, about how hard life was - DD was easy going and compliant; but behaviour problems tend to go hand in hand with the difficulties she has.

My guess is that if OP went on the SN boards and asked how many parents of boys with challenging behaviour got one day's childcare a fortnight from their parents, there wouldn't be many! Certainly none of my friends ever did!

I completely understand why you're upset. It's natural to think GPs will want to help with their GCs. My Mum is very involved with my DD and I hope to do the same for her if she has children.

This is about a 3 year old with challenging behaviour. I have a DD with SEN, who was always in special provision. I listened to countless parents talking over the years, about how hard life was - DD was easy going and compliant; but behaviour problems tend to go hand in hand with the difficulties she has. My guess is that if OP went on the SN boards and asked how many parents of boys with challenging behaviour got one day's childcare a fortnight from their parents, there wouldn't be many! Certainly none of my friends ever did!

Absolutely agree with this. It's an awful lot to ask of somebody.

It reads a bit like if she doesn't want to give you more childcare you don't want to see her or be part of her life?

bemusedmoose

Well said.

How many years of service do women (because it is never the fathers) have to put in to deserve some help in the last years of their lives?

Nine months pregnancy, followed by twenty odd years until the child reaches independence. Then a break for a while followed by minding the grandchildren for how many years?

For the record, I am 68 and frequently mind my dgd, but she is not 3. There is no way I would have the energy to look after a three-year-old.

My guess is that if OP went on the SN boards and asked how many parents of boys with challenging behaviour got one day's childcare a fortnight from their parents, there wouldn't be many! Certainly none of my friends ever did!

I have a dd with SEN who's an adult now. My parents never spent a minute in a room alone with her let alone look after her without me there. I didn't expect them to. She was unpredictable in many ways.
It was hard for me, they'd have been at their wits end.

Nine months pregnancy, followed by twenty odd years until the child reaches independence. Then a break for a while followed by minding the grandchildren for how many years?

Looking after the children that you chose to have doesn't mean that they owe you anything when you are elderly.

Looking after the children that you chose to have doesn't mean that they owe you anything when you are elderly.

Having a child doesn't mean you owe them childcare when they have children of their own, either. Both are a question of what level of care you WANT to give, and what is within your capability.

I agree , in theory. Nobody is obligated to care for anybody, except their own children. I personally find it a bit cold, sad and individualistic though. In terms of the reductionist , logical and quite cold MN approach, other than caring for your own kids until they reach adulthood, you're not obligated to do ANYTHING, and it works both ways.

I think it's much nicer when GPs (who are able to) offer help with GC, and children support their parents in old age.

What I don't buy is:

I looked after the children I chose to have until adulthood.

I choose not to help with my GC. This is MY retirement. I am not obligated to offer any help, even though I am able to, so I won't.

=

I think my children should care for me in old age. Because I raised them.

@hassletassle

I agree , in theory. Nobody is obligated to care for anybody, except their own children. I personally find it a bit cold, sad and individualistic though. In terms of the reductionist , logical and quite cold MN approach, other than caring for your own kids until they reach adulthood, you're not obligated to do ANYTHING, and it works both ways.

I think it's much nicer when GPs (who are able to) offer help with GC, and children support their parents in old age.

What I don't buy is:

I looked after the children I chose to have until adulthood.

I choose not to help with my GC. This is MY retirement. I am not obligated to offer any help, even though I am able to, so I won't.

=

I think my children should care for me in old age. Because I raised them.

Has anyone suggested that?

Yes , several on this thread.

@hassletassle Not as many as have suggested OP should deliberately not help her mum when she is old in retaliation for her not helping more with the grandkids.

But according to many on this thread, that doesn't matter, because she's not obligated to do elderly care / support. And if you're not obligated to do anything, why would you bother when you can spend time doing your own thing?!

Maybe we should be selfish and move next to my in laws.

Or.
You could parent your own child and organise some professional childcare if you require it. Stop looking for freebies. Grandparents are not your de facto childcare. They've had their kids. Now they get to enjoy fun times with their grandkids (when they choose) and to hand them back when they've had enough.

Personally I would say you're a CF with your current attitude.