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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my mum to help with her grandchildren?

470 replies

flingaling77 · 06/08/2021 20:12

My mum is 68 years old and quite well. She lives a few minutes down the road. She is retired and on her own since my dad died. During covid she stepped back and refused to be part of our bubble at times. We have a 6yo daughter and a 3 yo son. My son has a speech delay and has behaviour issues. My husband and I found lockdown very tough and argued frequently. We considered splitting up due to the strain of his behaviour and the need for constant supervision. His parents live in Cornwall which is 6 hours away from us. They are older but amazing and so hands on. I feel closer to them than my mum really. We chose to live near my mum to support her but we get little help. She makes us feel guilty and is reluctant. She blames lack of confidence but she has made it clear that she wouldn't like to do a lot of childcare like some of her friends. She has said she would have my son for 1 day a fortnight only while I work. I feel hard done by as most of my friends get more help than us. AIBU to expect my mum to want to help with the kids?

OP posts:
JML001 · 07/08/2021 21:19

I agree that LOTS of grandparents offer much much more help, I think 1 day a fortnight is useless. You've been left in an unsupported position because you wanted to be considerate of her feelings. What will it take your mother doing to show you that you that you need to put your children and your marriage before someone who thinks so little of you?

Kite22 · 07/08/2021 21:22

You asked us if you were being unreasonable. We answered.

Maybe you could ask MNHQ to create a board where no-one is allowed to disagree with an OP, and we're only allowed to say "Of course you're right! You go girl!"

Grin

I think there would be quite a few posters who would like that, over the years.

Laska2Meryls · 07/08/2021 21:23

Day 5 of 7of DGS visit.. We still adore him but after 5 mornings of getting up at 6am and all day entertainment , ( hes only just gone to bed) playing and making him nice meals , going out to things and trying our best ( not appreciated) we are on our knees .

Anneb62 · 07/08/2021 21:24

Your mum has her own life, and helping out 1 x fortnightly is maybe all that she can manage or want to do, I think your expectations are unjustified, I would be happy for my mum to be alive so that I could visit her and encourage her to enjoy life, not expect her to be a baby sitter, my mum brought up 10 children, what a great role model she was, we were not well off by any means, maybe your partner could support you more, if it’s financially, then look at ways of reducing your spending,

Laska2Meryls · 07/08/2021 21:28

@JML001

I agree that LOTS of grandparents offer much much more help, I think 1 day a fortnight is useless. You've been left in an unsupported position because you wanted to be considerate of her feelings. What will it take your mother doing to show you that you that you need to put your children and your marriage before someone who thinks so little of you?
🤦...
JML001 · 07/08/2021 21:43

Is there something you'd like to respond to my comment?

Macncheeseballs · 07/08/2021 21:45

Surely you need to move to Cornwall

Toomuchtrouble4me · 07/08/2021 22:10

@ElizaDoolots

You say that you live near your mum to support her? Her needing support herself implies she’s not really in a position to look after your kids a lot.
Good point
Toomuchtrouble4me · 07/08/2021 22:14

@flingaling77

Thanks for your comments. It must just be that all my friends are a lot luckier than me and get more support! She is quite able and doesn't need help. I moved nearer to home when my dad was ill and my sister moved an hour away. We have considered moving to Cornwall many times but I couldn't stand the guilt of leaving her isolated. It's not because I considered the childcare! I just couldn't leave her on her own. Maybe we should be selfish and move next to my in laws.
It’s not selfish to move away from a parent! She’s quite young. If in later years she wants to, she can move nearer to you or your sister but you can’t not live where you want to because your mum is not there! You have to go live your life! She sounds as though she doesn’t want your care anyway, maybe she likes her independence?
Bard6817 · 07/08/2021 22:32

You lost the board at ‘expect’.

Hope, ask, discuss…. Far better attitude when you want some help.

Hertsgirl10 · 07/08/2021 22:35

Some very entitled people on here 💆🏼‍♀️

Saying you’re gonna be selfish and move shows how selfish you are, if you moved to take care of her.

Also ... when I saw the title I thought maybe it was someone else’s kids the way it says she should look aged HER grandchildren 😂
They’re your kids. She doesn’t have to do anything and you need to get support on how to look after your mums grandchildren 🙈

If you lived close to your in laws I suspect they won’t be the helpful on tap babysitters that you’re hoping for, it’s easy to be super grandparents when you live far away and especially at a sea side place, when kids come for lovely holidays and then go home. But when it’s round the clock care or what ever it is you expect retired people to do for your kids and saving your marriage, I don’t think they’re gonna really be perfect either.

Get a child minder, get parenting classes and marriage therapy and stop blaming your mum for your issues and expecting other people to pick up the slack, it’s no one’s responsibility but yours, yes help would be nice but it’s not an entitlement.

Wriggleon · 07/08/2021 22:43

I'm finding this thread an eye opener to what some people expect from their parents. I think 1 day a fortnight is lots while others feel it's nothing.

Keepitonthedownlow · 07/08/2021 22:44

The other Grandparents are a couple, not a widow on her own. That makes it so much easier for the other Grandparents to be more hands on - that, and knowing the time is limited.

Bleachmycloths · 07/08/2021 23:02

I get how you feel. Even though I understand why many replies are practical and logical, it feels like rejection. And lack of love and care. No doubt others may say ‘ No, it has nothing to do with rejection… yadda yadda…’ it is how it feels..

WorkHardPlayHard1 · 07/08/2021 23:09

@flingaling77

Thanks for your comments. It must just be that all my friends are a lot luckier than me and get more support! She is quite able and doesn't need help. I moved nearer to home when my dad was ill and my sister moved an hour away. We have considered moving to Cornwall many times but I couldn't stand the guilt of leaving her isolated. It's not because I considered the childcare! I just couldn't leave her on her own. Maybe we should be selfish and move next to my in laws.
Dont feel guilty. I would tell her honestly that you are considering moving near your inlaws because of all the help you would receive and would she be ok with that? That may shock her? Know my mum gets annoyed if the kids see the other grandparents more than her! ;)

I appreciate its very hurtful when grandparents behave like that. It's their loss not yours!

Honestly you sound very caring but if she is doing whats best for her then you are free to do what is best for you!

Good luck! Xxx

MiaRoma · 07/08/2021 23:16

@flingaling77

Well this will be the last time I post on MN! Thank you for the understanding of my disappointment of her lack of involvement from some of you. However to say some of you have made harsh comments is an understatement!! Is MN not about being supportive of each other rather than insulting and judging each other? Thank you (to some of you) and goodbye!

🤣 I had no idea that you wanted me to say what you wanted to hear. You should have explained that. Then I'd have lied to you.

Keepitonthedownlow · 07/08/2021 23:56

@miaroma agreed, I actually find it useful to know that many replies on MN are playing devil's advocate, it's good to be exposed to a range of views. Noone learns by having their ideas repeated back at them, uncritically.

beachcitygirl · 08/08/2021 00:10

I am absolutely flabbergasted at the amount of people saying they are grandparents & have "done their bit"

Wonder what you will all be saying in a few years when the shoe is on the other foot & you need care and help.
How will you feel when the answer is
Sorry I have hobbies, sorry I have a spontaneous sex life, sorry I've done my bit caring for my kids, I have a life now, not wasting it caring for my parents.

How utterly selfish & bratty you all sound.

OP. Go to Cornwall & don't look back.

Starsky82 · 08/08/2021 00:11

Having read through your post and some of the responses, I actually think the main issue for you is the lack of enthusiasm and engagement from your mum towards your children. There are some rather harsh responses on here, I suppose yes they are your children, it isn’t your mum’s responsibility to care for them, but aren’t our parents sometimes the best people to trust with our own children? I don’t know what to suggest, I too am in a similar position and both my parents and in-laws were so excited throughout my pregnancy, promising childcare and help etc and yet now have very little interaction with my son. I feel as though I’m always instigating meetings and didn’t imagine it would ever be like this. One thing I have realised is you must do what you feel is right for you and your family, expect nothing from anyone and you will never be disappointed.

IWishIWasABaller · 08/08/2021 00:15

I understand op you were just venting your frustration. It's hard when surrounded by people who gets lots of help from family or grandparents. I'd move closer to your husband's family and enjoy their more hands on approach Flowers

maddy68 · 08/08/2021 00:16

Why??? They're your children , you're responsibility. Not your parents.

Pebbledashery · 08/08/2021 00:21

You are extremely unreasonable to "expect" it and honestly you come across as really immature.
I'm a single, full time working parent to a 3 year old, actually I'm a lone parent.. I have zero family help. The only help I have is from my daughters nursery and that's obviously paid for. My mum never even got to meet my daughter as I was pregnant when she passed away.
You sound quite entitled and selfish to be honest. For those who choose to have children, it doesn't come with the caveat that there are reasonable expectations of family help. Your mum is entitled to her own life and she doesn't owe you childcare. Maybe perhaps invest in some robust childcare via a nursery or childminder.

Mamanyt · 08/08/2021 00:34

While you are perfectly reasonable to wish that your mum felt comfortable in helping with your kids, YABU to expect it of her. Frankly, her parenting duties were over when her own kids were grown. I do get how frustrating it can be, though, as my own mother was only willing to watch my two kids once every two weeks for two hours, so their father and I could have a cup of coffee out in peace and quiet. Her call. NOT her responsibility.

girl71 · 08/08/2021 00:34

Great post @Hertsgirl10

a8mint · 08/08/2021 00:35

We chose to live near my mum to support her but we get little help

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