To expect my mum to help with her grandchildren?

[flingaling77]

My mum is 68 years old and quite well. She lives a few minutes down the road. She is retired and on her own since my dad died. During covid she stepped back and refused to be part of our bubble at times. We have a 6yo daughter and a 3 yo son. My son has a speech delay and has behaviour issues. My husband and I found lockdown very tough and argued frequently. We considered splitting up due to the strain of his behaviour and the need for constant supervision. His parents live in Cornwall which is 6 hours away from us. They are older but amazing and so hands on. I feel closer to them than my mum really. We chose to live near my mum to support her but we get little help. She makes us feel guilty and is reluctant. She blames lack of confidence but she has made it clear that she wouldn't like to do a lot of childcare like some of her friends. She has said she would have my son for 1 day a fortnight only while I work. I feel hard done by as most of my friends get more help than us. AIBU to expect my mum to want to help with the kids?

Was she a carer for DF before he died, did she help with Dsis DCs before she moved.
I'm not sure I would want to take care of your 3 year old. It would be quite worrying I think, and it's hard to discipline other's children. I help out but am beginning to find it a bit much as I get older (late 60s).

YABVU
Your kids
Your choice
She's done her years
It's Your turn now
She's not Your automatic childcare

Maybe it's because your son has behavioural issues that she doesn't want to commit to frequent childcare duties. My son was a real handful until about a year ago (he's now 8 and so much better) and I think our families struggled with him as much as we did. We certainly didn't have 1 days childcare every fortnight! Your mum might become more involved as your children grow up. My children are much easier now and I can see the grandparents are more keen to be involved. A 3 year old with behavioural issues would be exhausting for a 68 year old.

I get it because I feel the same but at the end of the day it's her choice and you can't force her! I'd love my DM to be more involved but only if she wanted to be not because I make her. Still I know it's hard when you see people with supportive parents who help a lot

I totally get it

I don’t get much help from my mum. She’s never had my kids overnight. Not once.

My in laws have done so 5 times and that’s it

However. They’re my kids.

Get a nanny?

My DM didnt spend any time with my DS on her own ever. But then she was never interested in me.

My DF was so helpful. He loved being with my DS and they had a wonderful relationship that my DS still talks about.

It is hurtful but it is her loss.

You sound like a brat.

I for one, wouldn't move to Cornwall with a child with SEN! Have a look at what the SEN provision is like! Ask any SEN helpline what Cornwall Local Authority is like for parents!

As a grandmother myself I say that I did my share for my own child - so I do only as much as I want to now - which as it happens is a lot but I don't expect to have demands made on me, I will offer what I can but its not my duty or responsibility - you are being very unfair to her, she didnt get to choose to be a grandmother or not after all

My mother had nothing to do with helping with her one and only grandchild as she worked full time and has zero maternal feelings towards me or any child. Her partner also refused to let her help out. I struggled as a single mum with no free babysitter on call. So think yourself lucky for the little help she's offered.

@Tiana4

borntibequiet I can assure you that 68 isn’t “young”

Born, your comment (which goes on) is all about you and your health problems. This thread isn't about you. It's about OPs DM who she says herself is in fine health. 68 is not old these days, most 68 year olds aren't frail, even proactive nurses in GP surgeries are classing "older person" targeted frailty support to over 75s and over 85s.

OP doesn't have to stay near her DM incase she's needed on the basis of her mums age, she & DH and young family are free to move to be nearer his family, the other grandparents, in Cornwall.

Also it was OP that said they'd considered moving to Cornwall. I think it's a great idea! It's a lovely place to bring up young children.

As far as I remember I said I was strong, fit, healthy and recently working nearly full time, and that I do look after grandchildren. In fact I have fewer health problems than many younger people I know.

My point was that 68 isn’t young, and for a 68 year old to take on the regular care of a young child may well be a stretch.

Do you honestly think it’s reasonable to expect a 68 year old woman to look after 3 year old child who has behavioural issues to the point where his TWO parents are struggling to cope and he needs constant supervision?
That’s really not on at all.

@Ari202

Most 68 year olds could cope for 2 hours a week, OP isn’t coping as has him 24/7

My dad always says that he’s happy to help and have a few hours of stress as he can then go home, relax all evening and sleep well then have a lay in

DH and I, 70 something and 60 something did one day a week for 1 then 2 DGS for about 4 years. We enjoyed it but it was exhausting. I could not have done it alone. It was a 10-11 hour session and I also cooked dinner for us all. When my DC were little I had no concept of how tiring it is 30 years down the line. OP, accept your DM’s offer of 1 day a fortnight. She might well find that she could do more, we’re not always as confident about caring for GC.

Op said one full day per fortnight.

You moved near your mum to support her, but actually sounds as though you're doing all the requesting support.
Some people are super lucky with grandparents doing a share of the childminding, but it isn't something you should have just assumed.
Tbh, even your response comment that says something along the lines of 'maybe I'll be selfish next time and move near the in-laws' just sounds super bitter and unaccepting of the fact you are already being quite selfish!

YABU
you say you moved near her to support her and get little help! How is that supporting her?
Perhaps she doesn't like your children much?
Perhaps she isn't keen on any children?
I have a Grandson that for some reason really don't like no matter how hard I try and it makes me feel guilty

Leave your Mum alone

Your aren’t being unreasonable to be disappointed but you are being unreasonable to expect help. If she doesn’t want to then she doesn’t want to. It’s a shame but that’s how it is. We also have one set of grandparents that are hands on and love spending time with the kids and one that isn’t bothered at all.

California here. My parents & older siblings worked in agriculture & beginning when I was 5, my grandparents took me with them to their mountain cabin far away from home because I was too little to work. This lasted every summer from 1 June to 1 September until I was 16 & old enough to work myself.
My gran was 67, my pops was 77. They never signed up to raise a kid at that age - I’m sure they didn’t want to, but thank God for my sake they did. Now that I’m approaching my grandparents age, I don’t think I could handle a 5-yr old. I’m sure I couldn’t.
I loved them and learned from them, but they could have said no & my parents knew that. I should’ve asked my parents later on what would they have done if the answer was “no” - they needed all that income. Maybe that’s my answer right there.
It’s a favor - not an obligation.
I was a very lucky little girl - I knew that later on growing up and I so appreciate it now. But not every “grandparent” is the same - and those were very different times and circumstances.
I wish you the very best, @flingaling77.

1 day a fortnight is amazing! My mum has had my seven year old for a few hours while DP dropped me at hospital to have my second, and overnight once when he was a baby. She is a loving mum and grandparent but I'd never expect her to have them.

Sorry but your mum has had her children, yes you can ask her for help with them, but you cannot just expect her to be at your beck and call. As grandparents we have a life too and I am sorry if this upsets anyone, but a lot of us have a spontaneous sex life too. X

I think you might be overestimating your mums ability to cope with your kids. At 68 she will tire a lot easier and if she’s never had to deal with a special needs child she may lack the confidence. If she thinks she couldn’t cope you should listen. You may find your in laws are more help because they don’t see you as frequently. Moving nearer and expecting help from them might not work out how you think. If they have a full life they may not fit you in

@grownuplefthome

Sorry but your mum has had her children, yes you can ask her for help with them, but you cannot just expect her to be at your beck and call. As grandparents we have a life too and I am sorry if this upsets anyone, but a lot of us have a spontaneous sex life too. X

Have I skimmed over a previous post that this is in response to? You're not literally saying that you're too busy having sex to help your adult children from time to time?!

In response to the OP... I think you know really that you can't fairly expect any level of involvement from grandparents. One day a fortnight is much more than some and much less than others. It's hard to look sideways at the help friends get and not feel bitter. And it's sad to feel that your mum doesn't want to have a closer relationship with your children.

I do struggle to understand the "I've done my time" attitude. I feel fortunate to have children, I imagine I'll feel fortunate to have grandchildren if I do (children still under 10 so realise that's a long way off!). I can't imagine I'd want to do full time childcare, but I think I'd enjoy spending time with them and I hope I'd want to help my own children out too. I expect to do most of the care for my own mother in her old age. I don't find interdependence comfortable but theoretically I think it's human and appropriate.

I have 5 grandchildren 1 expected and 1 is fostered. So 7 come October.
We look after 3 of them and will do so with the expected grandchild, regularly. The other 2, plus foster grandchild, live an hour away.
When the eldest was born, 11 years ago this month, I was a lively 53 yr old and still Supply teaching.
Now I am a tired 64 year old and not even teaching any more as of Covid last year! BUT I love the children and know they love me back, even the 21 month old.
As teachers we moved away from everyone to get jobs in the late 70s. So we had no help whatsoever from family. My 3 girls found it hard that their grandparents did not live nearby, ( all their friends in the village had local grandparents and my girls envied those relationships) so they vowed not to move away from us. Yes, we have saved them a tremendous amount of money in childcare but it has been more about promoting the relationship between grandparent and grandchild which my girls did not benefit from.
Only 1 son in law has local parents and they don't want to know

However, I do get tired and would like a little more time for my hobbies !!! And my husband moans !!!

Well this will be the last time I post on MN! Thank you for the understanding of my disappointment of her lack of involvement from some of you. However to say some of you have made harsh comments is an understatement!! Is MN not about being supportive of each other rather than insulting and judging each other? Thank you (to some of you) and goodbye!