To expect my mum to help with her grandchildren?

[flingaling77]

My mum is 68 years old and quite well. She lives a few minutes down the road. She is retired and on her own since my dad died. During covid she stepped back and refused to be part of our bubble at times. We have a 6yo daughter and a 3 yo son. My son has a speech delay and has behaviour issues. My husband and I found lockdown very tough and argued frequently. We considered splitting up due to the strain of his behaviour and the need for constant supervision. His parents live in Cornwall which is 6 hours away from us. They are older but amazing and so hands on. I feel closer to them than my mum really. We chose to live near my mum to support her but we get little help. She makes us feel guilty and is reluctant. She blames lack of confidence but she has made it clear that she wouldn't like to do a lot of childcare like some of her friends. She has said she would have my son for 1 day a fortnight only while I work. I feel hard done by as most of my friends get more help than us. AIBU to expect my mum to want to help with the kids?

I totally understand how hard it can be, not to be resentful and jealous when others are getting so much more support (and complaining about how little support they get, lol). However, this is the hand you are dealt with. Find ways to cope with it, and if that's moving closer to your in-laws - do it. Your family unit matters.

@PostMenWithACat in fairness. Many mothers didn't work at the time. My mum is retired.

Any regular commitment, as in once a fortnight every fortnight is a big deal. Regardless of what your friends think.

What about if her mum needs help and looking after does that mean the daughter has a choice to say no don't want to look after you.

Move where makes you happy! Don’t stay where you are out of guilt!

YABU to expect help. YANBU to find the lack of help hugely disappointing. I get it, as both sets of grandparents here are not very interested in more than the odd visit.

In addition, I don't think it's her responsibility. I just wish she would want to get involved like my in laws do even if she physically couldn't. She was a very hands on affectionate mum so I didn't think she wouldn't want to be involved much.

I'm 50, and have 4 grandkids. I'm having all 4 this weekend so DD and SIL can have a day out.

They exhaust me. Your Mum is 68........ give her a break.

While it is fabulous for GPs to be involved with their GCs and to help out in actual fact they are your children and YABU to "expect" anyone to help you. Your DM has raised her family, she is allowed to be able to call her life her own while she is still young enough to enjoy it.

@flingaling77 I don't understand the point you have just made. I hope to retire when I'm about 64, having worked full-time in a professional role for about 35 years across my career (I had 7 years off with the DC).

The fruits of my labour have contributed to fantastic educations for my DC but when I retire I do not wish to be tied down to regular childcare. I did my bit 24/7 during the 7 years I was a SAHM.

Hard as it is your mum doesn't have to support you or look after your son she has offered once a fortnight its a take it or leave it thing unfortunately, I understand you are hurt but don't dwell on it because it will eat you up.

I have 3 teens, I have no intention of baby sitting for any of them when the time comes!

My mum wasn't the Gran I thought she would be it really is upsetting isn't it?

I’m 68 and enjoy looking after my grandchildren, who are now 9 and 10, reasonably sensible and mature for their ages, so quite easy to deal with. I have them for a day every month or so. But they were much harder work when younger, and though I’m fit, strong and healthy for my age, I found it pretty exhausting. Your Mum is probably being realistic in what she’s offering, if not optimistic if your DS really is that difficult.

I think you should take more responsibility for yourself.

You didn't nearly split up because your son needs a high level of supervision, and you're not entitled to more childcare off your mum. A child is never the cause of an adult's relationship problems, and many parents would be delighted with a day's free childcare from a trusted person once a fortnight.

I totally understand where you're coming from, I'm in a similar situation, there isn't an expectation for help/childcare but I am disappointed that GM doesn't want to be involved and enjoy her GC growing up.

YABU it's lovely to get help but you shouldn't expect or demand it. Also if you find your son's behaviour challenging then there's every chance your mother does too, it's probably too much for her.

@Thenose

I think you should take more responsibility for yourself.

You didn't nearly split up because your son needs a high level of supervision, and you're not entitled to more childcare off your mum. A child is never the cause of an adult's relationship problems, and many parents would be delighted with a day's free childcare from a trusted person once a fortnight.

Do you have a disabled child? It's not the same as one who isn't, in the same way people without kids can't fathom how different actually being a parent is from imagining it.

And children are often the cause of adult relationship problems because they place huge demands on a couple. That's no reflection on anyone, least of all the children, but huge extra costs, far less sleep, and far less time alone to focus on one another is always going to add to the demands on a couple.

I think YABVU. You say you moved close to your mum to support her but you get little support. I am confused as to whether you moved close to her to support her or for her to support you. It sounds like the latter. It is easy for GPS in Cornwall to be very hands on as they live so far away tgry know that any help is short term. Your mum knows that given that she lives a few minutes away if she give an inch you'll take a mile. It's nice to have parents who volunteer assistance but it should never be expected.

My friends vary loads, some get a crazy amount of support from their parents (like 3 kids 3 nights a week) and some get nothing at all.

My parents take my kids weekly for an afternoon, and if I try and rearrange this as have other plans they are disappointed. But they also do this for my siblings and their kids so it works out at 4 afternoons a week for them!!!

Oh and I think some posters need to understand the strain that having a child with additional needs puts on a relationship, especially during lockdown when even paid childcare was unavailable but people were still expected to work. No previous generation has experienced the pressures of the last 18 months before.

I’m 40 and find my toddler bloody exhausting, at 68 I’d probably drop dead looking after kids tbh. We have no help and I am definitely jealous of people who have it but upside is no-one is undermining my parenting etc. I get it, it’s tough when you are doing it without any network but your mum is probably more tired than you think.

@flingaling77

My mum is 68 years old and quite well. She lives a few minutes down the road. She is retired and on her own since my dad died. During covid she stepped back and refused to be part of our bubble at times. We have a 6yo daughter and a 3 yo son. My son has a speech delay and has behaviour issues. My husband and I found lockdown very tough and argued frequently. We considered splitting up due to the strain of his behaviour and the need for constant supervision. His parents live in Cornwall which is 6 hours away from us. They are older but amazing and so hands on. I feel closer to them than my mum really. We chose to live near my mum to support her but we get little help. She makes us feel guilty and is reluctant. She blames lack of confidence but she has made it clear that she wouldn't like to do a lot of childcare like some of her friends. She has said she would have my son for 1 day a fortnight only while I work. I feel hard done by as most of my friends get more help than us. AIBU to expect my mum to want to help with the kids?

My son has a speech delay and has behaviour issues. My husband and I found lockdown very tough and argued frequently. We considered splitting up due to the strain of his behaviour and the need for constant supervision

Don't split up if his behaviour is such a strain on you and he needs constant supervision. You need to build the foundations of your relationship back up. Because it will be a alot easier in life if you can work as a team to bring him up.

Also your mum may find your son difficult. Right or wrong. This maybe the case.
All so lockdowns and as loosing her husband. She may feel very down about life.

We chose to live near my mum to support her but we get little help. She makes us feel guilty and is reluctant.

You chose to live near your mum to support her but you're complaining that she gives you little help? Even though you actually chose to be near her to support her. So she needs support. Support her.

She makes us feel guilty and is reluctant. She blames lack of confidence but she has made it clear that she wouldn't like to do a lot of childcare like some of her friends. She has said she would have my son for 1 day a fortnight only while I work.

Maybe she is all those things. And she has offered a lot of time to you by agreeing to once a fortnight. That's a lot more help then a lot of us get.

She's made it clear she doesn't want to. Don't push it. Try and enjoy a better relationship with her first.

I feel hard done by as most of my friends get more help than us

This just sounds like a 5 year old talking.

It just doesnt happen sometimes though OP.
My mother is the only living grandparent of my children- she has provided no significant childcare- maybe looking after one child for half an hour while I nip to the shops, but no care while I work, no baby sitting,, not once, never looked after both children at the same time.
It is just reality.
My kids are in their early 20s now and as much as my mother would like to be taken on days out by them there is no great relationship.
What goes around comes around.

YABU she doesn't want to do it and I don't blame her tbh. A three year old with limited speech and behavioural problems is a tall order. I provide childcare for dgs whilst dd works, it's really hard work and a tie and something I won't be repeating should dd have any more children.