To expect my mum to help with her grandchildren?

[flingaling77]

My mum is 68 years old and quite well. She lives a few minutes down the road. She is retired and on her own since my dad died. During covid she stepped back and refused to be part of our bubble at times. We have a 6yo daughter and a 3 yo son. My son has a speech delay and has behaviour issues. My husband and I found lockdown very tough and argued frequently. We considered splitting up due to the strain of his behaviour and the need for constant supervision. His parents live in Cornwall which is 6 hours away from us. They are older but amazing and so hands on. I feel closer to them than my mum really. We chose to live near my mum to support her but we get little help. She makes us feel guilty and is reluctant. She blames lack of confidence but she has made it clear that she wouldn't like to do a lot of childcare like some of her friends. She has said she would have my son for 1 day a fortnight only while I work. I feel hard done by as most of my friends get more help than us. AIBU to expect my mum to want to help with the kids?

We chose to live near my mum to support her but we get little help
Eh?

If your sons behaviour is so poor that he needs constant supervision and it almost caused your marriage to fail I can see why a 68 year old on their own may feel they couldn’t cope with it. Especially if he can’t communicate his needs to her. Are you getting any help with him? Does he go to nursery?

I think it sounds a bit like you had slightly ulterior motives for moving near your mother.

How much time do you spend with your mother? How often do you see her?

I would move to Cornwall.

I think you are unreasonable to expect childcare from anyone. Yes it would be nice if your mum wanted to but she doesn’t. If you have difficult children I can understand even more why she would be reluctant. You made the choice to have children, they are your responsibility.

@Laska2Meryls

Day 5 of 7of DGS visit.. We still adore him but after 5 mornings of getting up at 6am and all day entertainment , ( hes only just gone to bed) playing and making him nice meals , going out to things and trying our best ( not appreciated) we are on our knees .

DH and I just had our 4 and 10 year old DGSs from Sunday morning to Thursday evening and when they left I literally did not have the energy to sit back on the couch. I perched there for ages, catching my breath. DH was the same. We had both hit the wall.

My DGSs are well behaved, sleep like logs, eat almost everything and say yum. They are my heart's delight and we both adore them. This week was the hardest week I've had in many years!

I completely understand your frustration. But your mum has had her kids and is now nearly 70yo. It would be lovely if she wanted to, but sometimes people don't. My mum and dad have taken a step back from childcare with mine as they are a handful. I'm grateful for any help they offer now.

This thread has got a bit nasty hasn't it? Don't listen to the extreme views OP - you get them on all forums. There are plenty of balanced ones on here with actual advice that are worth reading.

I would agree that you can't expect any childcare from GP's, but GP's who have zero interest in yours or your kids life should not expect anything from you either. You have kids because you want to be a parent, not because you want a carer in old age. That is cheeky fuckery too.

It could be your son's behaviour that is putting her off. If that is the case, it wouldn't be a good arrangement anyway. GP care, while much appreciated, is unreliable from experience. My mother isn't very confident, but my sons adore her, mainly because she makes an effort, whereas my OH's parents could be cardboard cut outs to my kids as they don't really interact with them much. You are better off using paid for care if she guilt trips you and is reluctant if you can. I don't think your kids will enjoy it much either by the sounds of it.

I would say if you want to move, do it, but not because of childcare. If you don't pay for it, it is unreliable and it definitely has to be a mutually enjoyable arrangement for all, including your kids. The most important thing to consider is which parents are more keen to be a part of your lives as a family if you want your kids to feel more connected to them. If your mum lives near by and barely sees you, it says a lot. Your children will benefit the most from having GP's who are a part of their lives and parents who are less stressed. Does you OH want to be near his parents more? Is that causing resentment? It sounds like your mum is the sort of parent who might enjoy her jollies down to Cornwall for a holiday every few months, so it might be the best for all of you.

So yes, you shouldn't expect your mum to provide childcare, but she shouldn't expect you to stay if you aren't happy and she can't be bothered to spend time with you either. If your family are struggling and you are really stressed due to you both working, the fact that she doesn't even want to come round and help (even if it isn't to look after the kids) says a lot really.

Op I feel for you, I’m in the same boat as you and it’s heartbreaking when that reluctance hits you.
All I can offer is that my husband and I done it ourselves we bashed heads but also pulled together at tough times. But now our kids are 6 & 9 and we got this far on our own, all thanks to ourselves, Flower and applause to us we have no one to thank for getting to where we are now.
However the sad thing is, my eldest now see the people who want to be around and the ones that are reluctant and the reluctance is offered in return. I encourage my children but never force they were to young to make a decision on if they wanted this relationship, however parents had the choice and chose not to.

*I am absolutely flabbergasted at the amount of people saying they are grandparents & have "done their bit"

Wonder what you will all be saying in a few years when the shoe is on the other foot & you need care and help.
How will you feel when the answer is
Sorry I have hobbies, sorry I have a spontaneous sex life, sorry I've done my bit caring for my kids, I have a life now, not wasting it caring for my parents.

How utterly selfish & bratty you all sound.*

I have to agree. I hope these posters don't expect their children to run around after them in old age !

"Dont feel guilty. I would tell her honestly that you are considering moving near your inlaws because of all the help you would receive and would she be ok with that? "

I think you might find that, when you tell PILs that you are moving to Cornwall to enjoy regular childcare, they might not be as accommodating as you think. It is easy to be keen and hands on when you are visiting for a few days.

I get your disappointment OP.
I am the only grandparent who gives a stuff about my two.
Whilst I can (and have) had the eldest for extended periods of time the wee one is a different kettle of fish.
I love her exactly the same.
But I'm older now. She has her own set of issues that make having her overnight a different prospect if I'm honest. I know my dd would like me too, but I would much prefer to wait a year or so.
I, as a grandparent, do not understand my eldest dgc other grandparents who have no relationship with whatsoever and pass them in the street like they're nobody. Boils my piss 😡

Once a fortnight is doing plenty- my parents have never had mine as tbh, they were terrible parents to me and I wouldn't trust them- my partners parents are lovely and fabulous grandparents but we still don't put on them and they have the kids once in a while without us there. I had my children so they are my responsibility 🤷‍♀️

YABVU m, I've not rtft but they are your children not hers, she didn't decide to have them so should not be obligated to support them.

I don't agree that grandparents are obligated to be babysitters- your mum has done her share raising you and now wants to enjoy her life.

When my daughter left home she barely spoke to me. For years I appealed to her to tell me what I had "done wrong" etc and tried hard to make a relationship - even a phone call a month would have been good. The intervening years have really changed me and my attachment to family.

She is 36 now and guess what!

I am clear that any involvement with my grandchildren will be on my terms and not for the convenience of anyone, but out of love and a direct relationship between me and them if we can make it happen to suit us - no one else. I work hard at relationships and have learned that where that effort is not reciprocated I am a mug to keep expecting something back when it is not willingly given. I am sure that applies to us all.

I am absolutely flabbergasted at the amount of people saying they are grandparents & have "done their bit"

I am absolutely flabbergasted at the lack of empathy on this thread! How many of you have personal experience of mental health problems? If you don't, then its like able bodied people saying to people in wheelchairs that they should get up and walk, because it's easy. For all you know, OP's DM May have health anxiety about Covid - she may be afraid of catching it from DGS?

My DGC got Covid last July - both under 3. I suspect they got it again last month. DS caught whatever they had off them, and said it was the most ill he's ever been - chills, fever, headache, sore throat, fatigue....for 2 weeks!

When you have all got to 68, brought your own children up, worked, cared for your own parents and your DH, who has died after years of ill health, then you can judge other people for not having the energy to do any more caring!

IMO, OP should look at it as a glass half full, rather than half empty!

It pisses me off that it’s always women who are expected to provide free childcare. I’m yet to see a thread from someone moaning that their dad or FiL won’t mind the children. I don’t blame women reaching their 60s who have done it all before, not wanting to do it again.

@hassletassle

*I am absolutely flabbergasted at the amount of people saying they are grandparents & have "done their bit"

Wonder what you will all be saying in a few years when the shoe is on the other foot & you need care and help.
How will you feel when the answer is
Sorry I have hobbies, sorry I have a spontaneous sex life, sorry I've done my bit caring for my kids, I have a life now, not wasting it caring for my parents.

How utterly selfish & bratty you all sound.*

I have to agree. I hope these posters don't expect their children to run around after them in old age !

Totally agree with this.

I don't see looking after my children as 'doing my bit'.

Where I live (Wales) families are close, everyone I know has grandparents who regularly help with childcare. I think it's really sad that people are saying "we have a life too, hobbies etc", when surely, life is about family and making memories with your family. Seeing your grandkids for lunch every few months will not result in the kind of close relationship that I had with mine, and that I want for my children.

It's not just about hands on support either, it's about emotional support. I speak to or see my mum and my mum-in-law every day, not as a chore, but because I want to, and we support each other. When I look back at my life, I'm sure I'll remember the time spent with my children, grandkids and family, not the time I spent on "hobbies".

OP, I get why you're sad about the situation, agree with another poster that it's probably the emotional support you're looking for, as well as a 'break'. Lockdown was hard on many families. Maybe chat with your mum about your feelings?

A lot of posters seem unaware of the fact - or else unwilling to accept - that energy levels in (say) a 52 year old, will very often be a rather different matter from those in a 65+. Not to mention creaky knees, etc.

I don’t know about anybody else, but as the parent of young children in my 30s, I had no idea of how much more tiring young children can be a few decades down the line. Though since we were living abroad at the time, the issue of childcare by Gps never arose. Not that I’d ever have asked my own parents - after 4 of her own, with no help ever, I’m sure my DM would firmly have said she’d done her bit.

As a Gp who was 67 when the first arrived, who did limited regular childcare for the first and still does one offs and emergencies, I have found out the hard way that much as you love them, childcare can leave you feeling like a wet rag.

It’s always harder when you are on your own with them, and don’t have another adult to bounce off.

70 is no spring chicken. At 55, I don’t have the energy that I had 15 years ago. I dread to think what I’ll be like in another 15, at 70 years old.

Just to add, I would agree that having to look after them on your own is harder than when there's another adult around. My husband works away, and it is definitely harder on your own.

When my mum first retired and started doing regular childcare (I used a nursery before that), she found it really hard on her own (my Dad was still working at the time). However, she said that she soon got in the swing of it, and then found it much easier as she found her feet. I've always made it clear to my girls that whoever is looking after them (GPs) is in charge, and they are free to discipline them as they see fit, which works well. TBH I think that most kids I know behave better for GPs than for parents, as GPs stick to their guns better haha

I think we forget sometimes that our parents are getting old. My MIL was great with the grandkids when she was in her 50s. She did a lot of childcare and took them during half term etc. However she is now in her 70s and she wasn’t able to do much when we had our youngest . She was 67 when he appeared, she was a doting grandmother but couldn’t take him as she wasn’t quick enough anymore and was worried about his safety if she took him out. She couldn’t manage him in the pool on holiday and couldn’t lift him without pulling her back. She appears to be fit and healthy but she is older and feels it. So I think it’s a lot to expect a 68yr old to manage a DC who has additional needs.

I help my single parent daughter with a lot of childcare especially during the school holidays, however I do it from my own choice. They are your children not hers, you cannot take it for granted that she will help you out.

Op is MN not about being supportive of one another
While a few replies haven't been supportive most have been balanced. It sounds as if you're having a difficult time and we are sympathetic to that. On the other hand people are pointing out that you are not recognising that your Mum is getting older and will have less energy. You asked if YABU and many posters have replied that you are, a bit. That doesn't mean that they are unsympathetic to you.
Also you have never clarified whether your Mum shows no interest at all in your children or is just reluctant to look after them on her own for long.

Maybe your mum Wouid feel more inclined to just babysit your daughter. I wonder if it just feels too much for her to deal with your son.
At least then you could have some time to give your son some one to one attention

Absolutely @saraclara. We eventually left Cornwall after 10 years (probably my biggest regret) with 3 under 5s because of the road infrastructure at the time and we wanted to be closer to grandparents for the travelling during school holidays. But , even so, moving to Dorset ( where we had trained) we were still 2hrs and 3 hrs from the grandparents.
As a side point, it took me 2.5 years to get my first post because we moved down in a hurry ( within 2 weeks into a winterlet flat) for my husband to get the LAST post open to 'incomers', then Cornwall closed its permanent teaching posts 'doors' to anyone without a permanent teaching post in Cornwall already !!!
I was a TA and did Supply Teaching in those 2-3 years.
As you imply in another post, you just get on with raising your children.
And as a fellow teacher you will truly understand what being a teacher mum was like !!!!!