To expect my mum to help with her grandchildren?

[flingaling77]

My mum is 68 years old and quite well. She lives a few minutes down the road. She is retired and on her own since my dad died. During covid she stepped back and refused to be part of our bubble at times. We have a 6yo daughter and a 3 yo son. My son has a speech delay and has behaviour issues. My husband and I found lockdown very tough and argued frequently. We considered splitting up due to the strain of his behaviour and the need for constant supervision. His parents live in Cornwall which is 6 hours away from us. They are older but amazing and so hands on. I feel closer to them than my mum really. We chose to live near my mum to support her but we get little help. She makes us feel guilty and is reluctant. She blames lack of confidence but she has made it clear that she wouldn't like to do a lot of childcare like some of her friends. She has said she would have my son for 1 day a fortnight only while I work. I feel hard done by as most of my friends get more help than us. AIBU to expect my mum to want to help with the kids?

Why do our children when they have their children think that all we want to do is look after our grandchildren?? We DONT !! YABVVU. Either look after the children you chose to have or pay for childcare. Leave your Mum alone.

YANBU. It’s a shock when parents don’t get as excited about their grandchildren as you think they’re going to. I’d move to Cornwall to be with the grandparents who want to be super-involved. Your mum can enjoy holidays with you.

Well this will be the last time I post on MN! Thank you for the understanding of my disappointment of her lack of involvement from some of you

In case you read this, we never had any support either. But then both of us grew up relying only on ourselves so, I guess for us it was kind of expected. it's okay to feel disappointed. But no one should expect grand parental help/childcare.

You had kids - your choice & responsibility.

Maybe she can’t handle your kids?

Have to be blunt, at 68 i don’t plan on doing ANY grandchildren watching. Our 20 year old daughter is due in November, will be happy to help out now and again, but we think she is very brave deciding to have a baby already, but it’s her life and we will be supportive, but we aren’t on demand babysitters.

Yes, you are being unreasonable to ‘expect’ anyone else to give you time off from your own children.
Being grateful to have the offer of help at all would be my priority, not passing judgement on ‘how little in comparison’ to others you were getting.

@tigerlilly22

Why do our children when they have their children think that all we want to do is look after our grandchildren?? We DONT !! YABVVU. Either look after the children you chose to have or pay for childcare. Leave your Mum alone.

They're hands on because they hardly ever see them. Imagine their shock when you tell them you're planning to move nearby purely they can help out with childcare 🤣🤣🤣

"Well this will be the last time I post on MN! Thank you for the understanding of my disappointment of her lack of involvement from some of you. However to say some of you have made harsh comments is an understatement!! Is MN not about being supportive of each other rather than insulting and judging each other? Thank you (to some of you) and goodbye!"

Pardon? Excuse me? You have asked for our opinion and we have given it. You really wanted us to tell you that your mum should be looking after yr kids. She clearly does not want to.

With respect Op, you are clearly
struggling with yr family dynamic. Not only are you saying it is all yr mums fault but also all our fault, you are not coping. We are trying to help you.
You are trying to offload all your stress elsewhere ( yr mum) but she is not is taking it on.

@flingaling77

Well this will be the last time I post on MN! Thank you for the understanding of my disappointment of her lack of involvement from some of you. However to say some of you have made harsh comments is an understatement!! Is MN not about being supportive of each other rather than insulting and judging each other? Thank you (to some of you) and goodbye!

AIBU is a harsh place. I wouldn’t post on here if I would be upset by the flaming. 🤷‍♀️ There are other topics where people are a bit less harsh, it may have been better to post there.

That said your kids aren’t your mums responsibility. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been there. I was 19 when I had dd1 and I got next to no support from my mum. She agreed to have her one afternoon a week while I worked, but she moaned about it so much and made me feel terrible, so as soon as I could afford to I put her into childcare that day. MIL who is 15 years older than my mum, and still worked part time, happily had both dds on her day until they were old enough to not need looking after and could stay home alone. Over the years I have helped and supported my mum wayyy more than she has me. Does it get to me? Yes a bit. Am I envious of those who have helpful mums? Yes, I was when they were small, not so much now. Was that my problem? Yes it was. 🤷‍♀️

So you can be upset that your mum is u helpful, but at the end of the day you can’t assume that your own DM will want to look after your DC.

@saraclara

OP, there are two of you, and one of her. And she's twice your age. Yet you expect her to look after her two children, one with SEN.on her own more than once a month?

I only have one GC, she's very easy as toddlers go, but I'm absolutely exhausted when she leaves when I have her for the day (I'm widowed and just a couple of years younger than your DM). If I had someone to take over for half an hour or so, or other adult company, it might be a bit different. Or maybe there'd just be two of us exhausted!

I hope you remember thinking this way when you're 67, and have the decency to blush with embarrassment.

This is so true!

People are debating what age is old and too old to help with DCs, I help with my DGCs and it's not just age, it's that it's not the same as your own. I had my children sussed and could discipline them and persuade them to work to my plan. Someone else's children? even if they're your GCs, not so easy - No constant screen battles with mine , just the odd video, food was simpler and everyone ate it, walks were a normal past time - not BORING, if it was so easy to watch kids everyone would be helping out friends and neighbours with regular housefuls but they don't - wonder why?

Posted too soon..
You are lashing out at us and we are trying to help.

Your mum cannot cope with your children. That is ok for her not to be able to cope. She is now of an retired age. Your in laws live 6 hrs away. No one is entitled to "on tap" help.

With respect you need to learn to cope Op. You are looking to others , look to your self.

At first I thought oh yeh, what a shame. You sound like me, but my patents are younger. Then I read your mum is willing to look after your kids one day every single fortnight!!!! Um... I'd kill for that. My parents have babysat my boys... um... thev2 year old, twice, maybe 3 times. The 1 year old, once, just taken him for a walk for an hour. They've hardly got to know them. You have no idea how lucky you are.

@flingaling77

Well this will be the last time I post on MN! Thank you for the understanding of my disappointment of her lack of involvement from some of you. However to say some of you have made harsh comments is an understatement!! Is MN not about being supportive of each other rather than insulting and judging each other? Thank you (to some of you) and goodbye!

Is MN not about being supportive of each other rather than insulting and judging each other?

No.
AIBU is an honest sounding board, to get the opinion of other people who are not involved in the situation, so you can be clear in your own mind as to whether you are being unreasonable, or not.
As it says in the title.

93% of posters who voted agree it is unreasonable to expect people to become childminders in their retirement years.
Yes, there are one or two folk who haven't been very polite, but the overwhelming majority of people have not been insulting at all, they have just not agreed with you.

Obviously up to you if you continue to read MN or if you never return, but you'll miss out on a pretty robust sounding board if you ever need one, and you'll miss out on a lot of really sound parenting advice and support, and of real care - as well as a lot of idle chit chat and some really funny posts - if you go, which will be a shame.

As teachers we moved away from everyone to get jobs in the late 70s. So we had no help whatsoever from family. My 3 girls found it hard that their grandparents did not live nearby, ( all their friends in the village had local grandparents

@GinPin2, you're basically me! I had to move from north to Southeast, to chase the only teaching job I could find! I was the only one of my friendship group of seven to find a job. It was a terrible time to graduate as a teacher, wasn't it?
When I had a toddler and a newborn, at the same time as my next door neighbour had her first, I was SO jealous of the daily knock on the next next door when her mum turned up with a pile of freshly washed and ironed laundry in her arms, while I coped alone!

@flingaling77

Well this will be the last time I post on MN! Thank you for the understanding of my disappointment of her lack of involvement from some of you. However to say some of you have made harsh comments is an understatement!! Is MN not about being supportive of each other rather than insulting and judging each other? Thank you (to some of you) and goodbye!

You asked us if you were being unreasonable. We answered.

Maybe you could ask MNHQ to create a board where no-one is allowed to disagree with an OP, and we're only allowed to say "Of course you're right! You go girl!"

This is tough and you have my sympathy.

I can relate totally my DD is 12 and my parents would take my DD out twice a year & that's it!! They've never offered to have her overnight. Its definitely had a negative effect on my relationship with DH as we've never been able to have date nights/weekends away etc...like our friends.

It still hurts but I guess after 12 years I'm 'hardened to it now' and my DD wouldn't spend time with them now anyway. Its very sad because they have no relationship now & my DD doesn't even like having to see them at Xmas/Easter.

Even now at age 12, if I need childcare for my DD, like if I'm working a long day & don't want to leave her at home alone, then I pay for childcare, like holiday & after school clubs etc. They are expensive & my DD often doesn't want to go as none of her friends go, but on the plus side, having to make friends with children she doesn't know has definitely made her more confident and sociable than many of friends who were looked after by grandparents every day after school.

Your children are very young & I remember constantly hearing how amazing other grandparents were when I was at toddler groups or in the school playground etc...
Now my DD is too old for school-pick up's/groups etc... its much easier as I'm not constantly being reminded of this fact.

Its very tough and feel your pain. Just remember you are not the only one in that situation and maybe one day your mum will realise what she is missing.

I don't think any 68 year old really wants to do regular childcare.

One of my best friends is 59 and has gc already. She and her husband together (he is retired) do 1 day a week childcare for a baby and the occasional school pick up. And she finds it quite a lot!

Oh op, I'm sorry you are struggling. Surely you can see that, when asking for opinions, it is actually very useful to hear from people who think YABU? Hopefully some of the comments will help you to consider your mum's point of view, and widen your perspective a little. I hope you and your dh are able to reconnect and pull together, that you can appreciate what your mum is able to offer and that your situation improves.

Also, you have to remember that there are literally millions of parents who get no help at all with childcare from grandparents. Instead they have to facilitate hosting and visiting grandparents many miles away. I think you are comparing your Mum unfavourably with friend' parents and it just isn't helpful to be envious of other people.

Some parents become grandparents in their late 30s, some in their 40s and 50s, many in their 60s. It's all very different for all of them, including if they still work, where they live, etc.

I too have a very, very challenging child (I'm also a disabled single parent) so I know all too well, that one day every 2 weeks seems like nothing but it's honestly not. Some fathers only see their children that much.

My parents didn’t want to help with my children. I was really disappointed, but I didn’t expect help. They are my children and my responsibility. I was very disappointed though.

I had a friend who had two sets of parents both happy to help and they shared childcare between them. I felt she took that for granted, but there you go. My parents didn’t want to pick my children up from school once a week and look after them for an hour until I came home 🤷🏻‍♀️.

You have an awful lot on your plate @flingaling77. A bereavement, a grieving/widowed mother, a child with SEN - lots to come to terms with and adapt to. It sounds like your marriage is also under strain with this triple whammy of life blows - so your emotional support is non existent as well.

I am sure you are at the end of your tether but now is a time for reflection and a reset.

Sounds like you and your DH need professional support to guide you through.

Focus on securing that expert input in the short term which will help you both cope better in the long term.

Has your DS had an official diagnosis and been given any idea of how he will process?

Seems like some people on this comment thread want to have their cake and eat it too. I would move closer to the other grandparents. Yes it's too much to expect your Mum to look after your kids a lot because she's 68 and can't manage more, she's got to do what's best for her. But at the same time you've got to do what's best for your kids and yourself. I moved closer to my better grandparents as a kid and it was the best thing ever! My other grandparents passed away 2 years ago and although it was sad, we didn't have much of a relationship and I am much happier being close to my grandparents who have put effort in with me.

Also please get professional support for your child's speech delay. You've correctly identified that the speech delay is causing/ contributing to behaviour issues. I would recommend looking into Makaton and talking to your Speech and Language Therapist about it. Lots of people think that sign language harms children's ability to pick up language and their speech but evidence shows that it actually supports it (I'm a newly qualified SLT). Best of luck!

Grandparents on both sides have not helped with our children, not one single minute. 1 day per fortnight seems like a gift to me.

' Date nights' .. This is such a new thing.. and it seems to be such an expectation .. You have kids and
. ' Dates nights' and weekends away by yourselves.. Thats a thing of the past....