To expect my mum to help with her grandchildren?

[flingaling77]

My mum is 68 years old and quite well. She lives a few minutes down the road. She is retired and on her own since my dad died. During covid she stepped back and refused to be part of our bubble at times. We have a 6yo daughter and a 3 yo son. My son has a speech delay and has behaviour issues. My husband and I found lockdown very tough and argued frequently. We considered splitting up due to the strain of his behaviour and the need for constant supervision. His parents live in Cornwall which is 6 hours away from us. They are older but amazing and so hands on. I feel closer to them than my mum really. We chose to live near my mum to support her but we get little help. She makes us feel guilty and is reluctant. She blames lack of confidence but she has made it clear that she wouldn't like to do a lot of childcare like some of her friends. She has said she would have my son for 1 day a fortnight only while I work. I feel hard done by as most of my friends get more help than us. AIBU to expect my mum to want to help with the kids?

IYABU t is not your mums responsibility, and she does not want to do it, which is fair enough

YABU unfortunately, I totally get why you’re disappointed by it but she’s made her feelings clear and that’s her call. Could you move nearer your ILs if they’re more willing to support?

It’s lovely when grandparents want to be involved, but you can’t expect it. 1 day a fortnight IS a decent amount of help in my book, anyway!

Did your mum make the kids?

I think you’re being unreasonable to expect OP. She’s raised her children. She’s offered one day a fortnight, that’s not nothing.

I think YABU, sorry. Would be nice if she wanted to though.

Yes. It is utterly unreasonable to ever “expect” a grandparent to help with the kids.

I feel for you as Lockdown has been a big struggle but it isn't your mum's responsibility - they are your children. If you need childcare you can pay professionals - Lockdown has been over for a long time.

It’s a shame she doesn’t want to and would be nice if she was interested but YABU to expect anything from her. Your children, your responsibility.

You say that you live near your mum to support her? Her needing support herself implies she’s not really in a position to look after your kids a lot.

It would be nice, but not expected.

Yabu. They are your kids and it's down to you to look after them. Your mother has done raising her kids, it's time for her to relax now, not be stuck watching a child with behaviour difficulties.
You need to look into child care not expect family to watch your kids for you

She’s taking them once a fortnight:
That’s plenty!!!

You have kids it’s your responsibility to arrange childcare etc

You had them, you deal with them. Yes it would be nice if she helped but she doesn't have to. I say this with a 14 and an 11 year old that my mother has never had once so maybe you should be grateful for what she does do?

I totally get where you are coming from but unfortunately you can't control what other people do. None of my DC's grandparents are that bothered. When I was first pregnant my friends were telling me things like 'the grandparents will fight over who sees them on their first Christmas' and were able to go out whenever they wanted with babysitting on tap. As it was noone cared about first Christmas or wanted to babysit. I felt hard done by at first. But then had to let it go and was glad I had noone interfering!

I get your disappointment op... It's not so much about the childcare but wanting to ease your hardship /mental load...
My ils made zero effort to be any sort of dgps at all. Hard to swallow ime.

I think you need to be honest with yourselves about why you moved there. Was it really to support your DM or was it in the hope that she would support you through childcare?

If your circs would allow it, it sounds like moving closer to the in-laws would work better for you.

@ElizaDoolots

You say that you live near your mum to support her? Her needing support herself implies she’s not really in a position to look after your kids a lot.

This.

It is disappointing that your Mum does not want to help you or spend time with her grandchildren.

Others will come along to say that your Mum can do what she wants blah blah blah

However my parents were/are the same and I now have a very poor relationship with them and they have virtually no relationship with their grandchildren

I am afraid this decision may result in something similar when your kids are older

It is disappointing and something I will never understand

YANBU reasonable to want her to help but perhaps YABU to expect her to. Sounds like she feels she can't do it. We don't get help from grandparents who live close, I too feel envious every now and then but then it's such hard work with two kids that I sort of get where she comes from. I wouldn't have a babysitter so that's on me

I think yabu to expect her to help. It's her life and she doesn't owe you childcare just because your friends' parents do childcare for their DC.

However, yanbu for feeling sad that your mum isn't as in love with your DC as you are. It hurts when it seems like everyone else's parents are mad about their grandchildren but yours isn't that bothered. Was she a very hands on mum? If not then it would be illogical to expect her to be a very hands on grandma.

I agree with what everyone else is saying, but I get how you feel especially when your in laws are more hands on.
It's a toughie.

My husband and I found lockdown very tough and argued frequently.

This is your issue. Look closer to home and work on your marriage. Is suspect this is impacting your DSs behaviour significantly and negatively.

I can see why your DM withdrew from your bubble. Your family home sounds like it’s in constant conflict.

Your DM seems to have been widowed young. Not sure if she had to be a carer for your DF is he was ill before that. I suspect she needs and deserves some peaceful time.

I hope that you can take responsibility and seek professional help for your marriage and your DS.

Thanks for your comments. It must just be that all my friends are a lot luckier than me and get more support! She is quite able and doesn't need help. I moved nearer to home when my dad was ill and my sister moved an hour away. We have considered moving to Cornwall many times but I couldn't stand the guilt of leaving her isolated. It's not because I considered the childcare! I just couldn't leave her on her own. Maybe we should be selfish and move next to my in laws.

OP, in the nicest possible way, DH and Inare early 60s. I can imagine the DC may have babies by our mid to late 60s.

I shall be happy to help out in an emergency, see family socially. I am still working full-time. When I retire I do not want to be responsible for regular childcare. We had very little help from parents and managed.

Makes note to make this clear to DC. I could see us funding a day of childcare pw for each of our children to help as we have the means to do that, but physical, regular help, absolutely not.