To expect my mum to help with her grandchildren?

[flingaling77]

My mum is 68 years old and quite well. She lives a few minutes down the road. She is retired and on her own since my dad died. During covid she stepped back and refused to be part of our bubble at times. We have a 6yo daughter and a 3 yo son. My son has a speech delay and has behaviour issues. My husband and I found lockdown very tough and argued frequently. We considered splitting up due to the strain of his behaviour and the need for constant supervision. His parents live in Cornwall which is 6 hours away from us. They are older but amazing and so hands on. I feel closer to them than my mum really. We chose to live near my mum to support her but we get little help. She makes us feel guilty and is reluctant. She blames lack of confidence but she has made it clear that she wouldn't like to do a lot of childcare like some of her friends. She has said she would have my son for 1 day a fortnight only while I work. I feel hard done by as most of my friends get more help than us. AIBU to expect my mum to want to help with the kids?

YABU to expect it, but YANBU to feel sad or disappointed. Your feelings are valid. It is hard when everyone around you seems to have something which you don't have, but comparing yourself will only make you unhappy. Try to find things in your life to be grateful for and joy in and some acceptance around the relationship you have with your mum. You have more than many others, even if that's not in your immediate social circle

Move to inlaws or even better, tell your mum youll do this and see if she steps up. Are your kids too much for her though?

I never had any grandparent support though. They occassionally visited and I waited on them (both sides separately) for a couple of houes with freshly baked cake etc and theyd hold baby toddler for a bit until they didnt want to, but that was it. I once or twice visited but looked afrer lo all day and was sent to bed with lo at 7pm. That was the worst bit btw. My kids werent used to early bedtimes so I felt bit trapped all evening til 10ish when we all slept.

Yes, you are bringing unreasonable. Your mum has explained why - she lacks confidence, and you admit your DS has behavioural difficulties and needs constant supervision. She’s obviously anxious about looking after him. She has offered some help. Maybe when she has gained confidence, she would be willing to do more.

How is the relationship between your mum and your DC when you're there?

If she's not making an effort to have a relationship with them then YANBU to be upset.

If it's just that she's not providing childcare then YABVU.

I personally don't get a lot of childcare from my parents or in laws. They'll have them for the odd hour every month or two and my parents have them for a sleepover once a year.
All of my friends have lots of childcare and although I do feel envious, I am very aware that it's not my parents or in laws responsibility to look after my children.
In the nicest way possible, YABU.

You're lucky you get one day a fortnight. Some people get nothing at all. Also, not to be harsh but it's not your mum's job to take care of your children. It's yours. She can be as hands on or as hands off as she wants to be.

68? Give her a bloody break!
I’m 55 and looking after my 2 year old DGS 5 days a week for the last year has been hard going, I’m so relieved he now goes to Nursery 2 days a week.
My sister is 68 and there is no way she could do childcare.

I’d consider moving towards the in-laws. Not least because Cornwall is amazing!

I know you say you’d feel bad but to be honest - you need to do what is best for you, which is only what your mum is currently doing for herself. Take a leaf out of her book and prioritise your own needs!

Ttb of course the daughter doesn't need to look after her DM When she's older. Regardless of childcare issues. That's what we save for all our lives to buy in care as needed isn't it? Not expect busy adult DC with jobs and families of their own to run round after us.

Personally I would be very disappointed but in my culture family is very important & barring ill health gps help with gcs & gps are helped etc.

Lack of involvement or interest does have an impact. One of my childhood neighbours never stops going on about the fact her only son has deserted her in her time of need. I'm still in touch with her son, he & his wife moved miles away because it was the only way they could get on the ladder & moved close to the inlaws as they are hands on. My neighbour has looked after her gc once for an hour but she's annoyed that her son doesn't want to visit her every weekend without the dc to do her house maintenance 🤔

@Cyw2018

You are not entitled to help from your mum, but she is not entitled to help from you as she gets older and more dependent on others for her needs.

It's about mutual love and respect.

Step back from any support you provide for her (practical and emotional) she may realise the consequences of her actions, but she may not, at least you will both know where you stand.

If you are keeping score then I think that caring for a toddler with additional needs and challenging behaviour solo for maybe 10 hrs at at time is money in the bank against dropping in some shopping, driving someone to appointments etc.

The OPs Mum has made it really clear how much she can help. IMHO it’s significant given her age and the circumstances.

Just need to respect each other’s limitations..

I wouldn't just go moving to Cornwall - it's one thing to be hands on with visitors, another to commit to regular childcare.

It might be worth checking beforehand just what level of childcare support your in-laws were willing to give should you move. Maybe they won’t want to commit to anything either?

That’s how I read it too, @The3Ls. It’s more that her Mum wasn’t willing to help out when the OP was especially struggling.

A child is never the cause of an adult's relationship problems,

They can be @Thenose. It's not their fault, but they can be.

I spent my entire teaching career working with severely learning disabled children with behaviour difficulties. It was massively stressful for the parents, and many marriages just didn't survive. When one of your children doesn't sleep all night, just screams, and your neighbours are complaining to your landlord and you have other kids that you're trying to bring up, and one or both of you are trying to work, there's not much room for building or protecting your relationship. Even more difficult if you're not on the same page about how to deal with it all.

I think you should move to Cornwall. Don't feel guilty your mum has made her priorities clear

Massively unreasonable, selfish and entitled.

You say your mum needs support but actually you expect her to prop you and your family up instead?

If you are struggling and need help you need to scale back your working commitments within the family or else buy in help.
Your mum has done her bit already, he child rearing years are complete. It's simply not fair to have these expectations on her and then make comparisons and begrudge her when she can only offer minimal assistance.

I hope for your relationship's sake she doesn't get wind of how you feel about this issue.

Sounds like you seem to believe our inlaws are so much more hands on. however given their 6hrs away you havent likely seen them that often. So you could move and find they are not interested in providing childcare either. They may be great with your visits and offering lots of hands on support but perhaps not so keen on anything more regular. Your mum is a widow, it is very hard, it took my mum ten years to start living again after my dad died. I think your being very selfish and your only thoughts are with yourself and not your mum...

I think I'm a reasonably loving and attentive retired GM. But I only do childcare if my DD and her husband's shifts clash. It's exhausting, and my DD has always taken the stance that the DC is her and her DH's responsibility.

When my kids were small neither my DPs nor my PILs lived locally, so GP childcare just wasn't an option. We just got on with it.

@Cyw2018

You are not entitled to help from your mum, but she is not entitled to help from you as she gets older and more dependent on others for her needs.

It's about mutual love and respect.

Step back from any support you provide for her (practical and emotional) she may realise the consequences of her actions, but she may not, at least you will both know where you stand.

Aren’t you a delight?

OP - YABU.

If I were 68 years old and widowed, I think I might be reluctant to provide regular childcare for a 3-year-old with behavioural issues. Taking care of a child with additional needs is exhausting for two parents, as you know. Imagine how much more difficult it could be for an older person on her own.

Your mother has offered to care for your son once a fortnight. That sounds very generous of her IMO. I would be grateful for that help, rather than expecting more.

Once a fortnight is pretty good and a lot more than a lot of people. We didn't have any childcare either and it does smart a little seeing other families with very involved grandparents.

I mainly wanted to post to say if you want to move to cornwall then you should just do it. It's your life too. Do what you want. Although I'd check about childcare before you go as there's a big difference to playing with the grandparents whiles visiting to making a regular weekly commitment!

I am 63 and into day 4 of looking after my 8yr old grandson for a weeks holiday. ( For context this is a regular thing in school holidays) ..I adore him but these last few times its been 'i'm booooooored, I m huuuuungry' (yes weve been feeding him plus snacks) . 'No I don't want to do this do that, play this go out , play this' .. 'Mummy says or cooks like' so it must be right.. , no other thing accept able.. Hes just a normal 8 yr old and to repeat , I love him lots . but my god I am so, so looking forward to Monday when he goes home!! ...

We've had him regularly for weekends since he was a small baby, but tbh , I think I will be telling Mum that its only going to be short day visits from now on.. ..
Its exhausting and if its not your kids theres nothing you can do right.......

Gawd.. I've Done my bit... Grandparents are for Feeding them pop and chocolate , shaking them up and giving them back !! 🤣🤣

I can't imagine not helping with my grandchildren if I lived close enough too. It would honestly we a honour.