To expect my mum to help with her grandchildren?

[flingaling77]

My mum is 68 years old and quite well. She lives a few minutes down the road. She is retired and on her own since my dad died. During covid she stepped back and refused to be part of our bubble at times. We have a 6yo daughter and a 3 yo son. My son has a speech delay and has behaviour issues. My husband and I found lockdown very tough and argued frequently. We considered splitting up due to the strain of his behaviour and the need for constant supervision. His parents live in Cornwall which is 6 hours away from us. They are older but amazing and so hands on. I feel closer to them than my mum really. We chose to live near my mum to support her but we get little help. She makes us feel guilty and is reluctant. She blames lack of confidence but she has made it clear that she wouldn't like to do a lot of childcare like some of her friends. She has said she would have my son for 1 day a fortnight only while I work. I feel hard done by as most of my friends get more help than us. AIBU to expect my mum to want to help with the kids?

@flingaling77 It's a shame, but you are not OWED parental help with your children.

If you DH's parents who live in Cornwall are so amazing, why not move down to Cornwall?

@flingaling77 I have two children with autism, my son had extreme challenging behaviour, my dgs is two. I feel more exhausted after a day doing childcare for dgs than I did when I was wrangling my brood including the two with autism even though dgs is just a typical two year old. There is no way I could or would manage a child with behavioural issues and I'm significantly younger than your dm. You could speak to HV and ask whether there is any support for children with additional needs locally. You should also ask for a referral to speech therapy, portage and a developmental paediatrician.

I don't think you're unreasonable for being disappointed either, OP, but you are unreasonable to expect help.

However, if you moved nearer to your DM with a view to helping her when she gets older, then I do think it's a bit unfair that she's not advancing the favour, so to speak.

And I certainly wouldn't blame you for moving closer to your in-laws, if that's feasible.

sleeponeday

Yes, I have two disabled children, and one is non-verbal.

"children are often the cause of adult relationship problems because they place huge demands on a couple."

I completely disagree. Adult relationship problems often develop as a consequence of adults' unhelpful responses to demanding circumstances. Blaming a disabled child for an adult's failure to maintain a healthy adult relationship is unhelpful for everyone.

You are not entitled to help from your mum, but she is not entitled to help from you as she gets older and more dependent on others for her needs.

It's about mutual love and respect.

Step back from any support you provide for her (practical and emotional) she may realise the consequences of her actions, but she may not, at least you will both know where you stand.

@converseandjeans

speakout

My kids are in their early 20s now and as much as my mother would like to be taken on days out by them there is no great relationship.
What goes around comes around

Yes the grandparents who spend lots of time with grandchildren must have a much better relationship as a result. Maybe the ones who are stuck in care homes with no visitors didn't get too involved...

I agree, my in-laws aren't interested in my DC and have rarely spent time with them. Now they're teens, they're not interested in their grandparents, mainly because they hardly know them!

It's a real shame, OP, but it is what it is. You have to accept that it's her choice.

It's a hard situation especially when you have a child with additional needs. Unfortunately a lot of the offers of help you get when your pregnant disappear once baby arrives. I found it a shock to the system how little help I got when I had my son was born but I adjusted. It's best to invest in a good babysitter so you get breaks and don't end up resenting anyone ❤️

I shall be happy to help out in an emergency, see family socially. When I retire I do not want to be responsible for regular childcare. We had very little help from parents and managed.

This ^ could have been written by me. I (hope, when the time comes) I will be very much up for some babysitting, or helping out in emergency, and even looking after them occasionally if my dc and their partners want to go overnight for a wedding etc (health allowing) but that is very, very different from full days of daycare on a regular weekly basis, which is what you seem to be asking.

I'm impressed your dm is willing to have them 1 day every fortnight.

Not sure how you can compare them with your in-laws, as clearly, if they live that far away, they aren't committing to taking the dc off you for a day every week . Playing with them when you are staying there for the occasional holiday is hardly comparable.

If you want childcare, then pay for it like the rest of us do.

we would have screaming throwing hitting and hair pulling for a lot of the day. He didn't have the understanding or language to communicate. On the days when he was very difficult, it would cause a lot of strain in the household.

I think you DM is a hero to continue to care for your DS - on her own at 68 years of age for a whole day. At least you have two of you to shoulder the strain. I am not minimising anything that you are enduring, I expect you are frazzled and exhausted - but it sounds like your DS needs qualified professional help to meet his individual specific needs which will then have a positive knock on to your family life. I hope that you can access the expert support that he needs.

1 day childcare a fortnight is alot, more than I will ever offer! ( I would babysit and help out in emergencies but regular childcare no chance). Think you are expecting too much.

@Cyw2018

You are not entitled to help from your mum, but she is not entitled to help from you as she gets older and more dependent on others for her needs.

It's about mutual love and respect.

Step back from any support you provide for her (practical and emotional) she may realise the consequences of her actions, but she may not, at least you will both know where you stand.

What a nasty way to veiw family.

YABU. I don’t know anyone who had grandparents help to childmind on a daily or weekly or regular basis at all. They would however do a couple days at a time in some of the school holidays. They all live too far away to do anything regularly. One day a fortnight seems like a lot to me.

I feel for you. I have no help either and it sucks.

OP, I don’t think you really appreciate how exhausted many women feel post menopause.

I’m mid fifties and there’s no way I’d be looking after a toddler grandchild on a regular basis, let alone one with behavioural issues.

Your mum has done her child rearing and met your needs when you were a child so it’s your turn now to be the responsible parent. If she offers to help occasionally, I hope you’ll be very grateful.

I think YABU, OP and I don't think it's a given that your DC will have a poorer relationship with her as a result.

My parents spent 2 days a week childcare with my DBro when he and his DP had DC1 and continued until DC2 started school full time - an 8 year period. They travelled 2 hours each way to do this. About 6 years in I had my first DC. We're also 2 hours away in a different direction. There was no way my parents could do for us what they were doing for my DBro and I never expected them to. What we have done is make sure we visit them as often as possible, they do the same coming to us, and as a result my DC are just as close to my parents as their cousins are. DC1 also has SEN and has required a lot more support/supervision than their sibling or cousins so would have been a much bigger strain for them.

Your mum is offering what she can - it's kind of her to do that when she sounds worried about how she'll cope. Be glad she's there and make the most of the time you can spend together rather than regret/resent the time you think she should give you in childcare.

YABVVVVU. She has offered to provide regular help. She has said she will take your ds one day a fortnight. Given he his 3, with speech delay and behavioural issues that is very generous of her. At 68 despite being fit and healthy she does not have the same amount of energy as you. If you and your DH were thinking about splitting up due to the strain of his behaviour why on earth would you consider it fair for your elderly mother to have to deal with him?

I feel for your mum. You are very ungrateful.

But it's not " no help" that's been offered.

I’m very sorry, OP, but I wouldn’t be volunteering to look after a child with these issues. I’m the same age as your mum and it exhausts me just reading about it. You need specialist professional help.

I feel for you. My children are growing up and my Mother, also a widow like yours has always been difficult.

My youngest also had delayed speech and behaviour issues. She was never keen to help with childcare. Only time she did was to brag to her friends that she had looked after youngest grandchild all afternoon to give me a break! All afternoon was between 1 and 3 pm and I had another child to look after!

Now she is getting older she would like more support! I visit once a week and phone occasionally.

Remember these days in the future!

68

Blimey my mum is 69 but I have an older teen, she has never given regular help and I neither asked or expected it, but even 10 years ago I know she couldn’t have managed a full day with a lively 6 year old for me to work. A 3 year old for her now would be impossible.

I hope when you get to 68 you think back on this post and realise how unreasonable you were.

@Cyw2018

You are not entitled to help from your mum, but she is not entitled to help from you as she gets older and more dependent on others for her needs.

It's about mutual love and respect.

Step back from any support you provide for her (practical and emotional) she may realise the consequences of her actions, but she may not, at least you will both know where you stand.

What a horrible attitude

But, if you look at it that way, perhaps OP should do lots for her DM, to thank her for caring for OP as a child

@flingaling77 in a similar position. In laws super helpful but not local. Not engaging mum and dad on my side round the courner. My kids are now teens and ring in laws most days love them. They politely (I brought them up well) tolerate my parents. I don't resent the lack of help really but it's double hurt that they dont see I as their only daughter (and only child with kids) have struggles and how they don't adore my amazing kids. But I've reached a point where I see the are missing our and my fabulous in laws who are now a little frail are repeating the benefits of the time and energy they invested. My parents loss not mine. I think you need to recognise you are actually hurt on two accounts - not seeing your suffering us a personal offense against your children - rathe ethan feeling bad as people will say you are acting entitles. Your not you are hurt x

[quote flingaling77]@Thenose he has now turned a corner but we would have screaming throwing hitting and hair pulling for a lot of the day. He didn't have the understanding or language to communicate. On the days when he was very difficult, it would cause a lot of strain in the household. He hasn't had a bad day for 3 weeks or so and our house is noticeably calmer. I had never experienced such behaviour with my daughter but friends and my mum have stated how difficult he was. She told me "I have no advice as I never had to deal with behaviour like that" (I understand why that in part makes her reluctant) It is easy to judge (as I probably would have after my well behaved daughter!)[/quote]
She’s 68. I don’t think you can expect her to deal with that kind of behaviour.

@Cyw2018

You are not entitled to help from your mum, but she is not entitled to help from you as she gets older and more dependent on others for her needs.

It's about mutual love and respect.

Step back from any support you provide for her (practical and emotional) she may realise the consequences of her actions, but she may not, at least you will both know where you stand.

Wow, what a shockingly blinkered and selfish post.

The mum put her own needs second when she brought up the children. She’s already contributed to the pot. It’s her turn to be supported now, not the other way round.

As a young adult I was happy to have the opportunity to do nice things for my mum before she sadly passed away in her early 70’s. I considered it a privilege to repay some of that love and support she’d given me growing up.

I'd have killed for one day a fortnight. I needed half an hour a week and got a no. Childcare cost us over £50k over the years. No teas after school, no Saturday mornings in the park, never a sleepover in 13 years. My DM loved her GC but just didn't enjoy the company of young children. Tbh, I'd rather be holidaying than doing the school run in my retirement too.
Be beholden to no one.