To expect my mum to help with her grandchildren?

[flingaling77]

My mum is 68 years old and quite well. She lives a few minutes down the road. She is retired and on her own since my dad died. During covid she stepped back and refused to be part of our bubble at times. We have a 6yo daughter and a 3 yo son. My son has a speech delay and has behaviour issues. My husband and I found lockdown very tough and argued frequently. We considered splitting up due to the strain of his behaviour and the need for constant supervision. His parents live in Cornwall which is 6 hours away from us. They are older but amazing and so hands on. I feel closer to them than my mum really. We chose to live near my mum to support her but we get little help. She makes us feel guilty and is reluctant. She blames lack of confidence but she has made it clear that she wouldn't like to do a lot of childcare like some of her friends. She has said she would have my son for 1 day a fortnight only while I work. I feel hard done by as most of my friends get more help than us. AIBU to expect my mum to want to help with the kids?

YANBU for wanting her to be more involved & I had similar in that nobody seemed overly keen on being involved outside of the day a week the ILs had mine while we worked. For example nobody wanted to see us at Christmas & it is hurtful.

YABU however in that you say your DS is challenging with poor behaviour. I imagine that this might be the reason your Mum isn't too forthcoming. You would be better using a childminder to give you a break. I'm pretty sure he should be eligible for some free hours anyway by age 3.

I don't think you should feel guilty about moving to Cornwall if you feel that is what you want and you would have more of an extended family unit. Your Mum sounds like she's young enough to cope on her own. She's also made it clear she wants to be free to see her mates.

YABU. She is helping you half a day of every week. That's 10% of your total childcare bill! Why would you expect her to do more than this?

My parents rarely had my DCs, I happily helped out with my DGCs who live over 100 miles away - their choice, my choice.
Your mum has every right to do little childcare for you just as your in-laws are happy to do more.
That’s how it is!

Is this even a serious post? Yeah it’s really easy for your inlaws to be involved on the rare occasion you see them.

Your kids, they are your job.

What I would say is that you probably don’t know about her energy levels in terms of what she can and can’t do.
Outwardly she might look fit.
Energy levels drop off from late 50’s IME and certainly mid to late 60’s things are quite a bit harder.
It’s a case of choosing what activities and energy you can expend on a day by day basis, limiting the number of things you can do in a day and also factoring in recovery time or even days afterwards.
I wish there had been a book about it when I was younger!

@Thenose he has now turned a corner but we would have screaming throwing hitting and hair pulling for a lot of the day. He didn't have the understanding or language to communicate. On the days when he was very difficult, it would cause a lot of strain in the household. He hasn't had a bad day for 3 weeks or so and our house is noticeably calmer. I had never experienced such behaviour with my daughter but friends and my mum have stated how difficult he was. She told me "I have no advice as I never had to deal with behaviour like that" (I understand why that in part makes her reluctant) It is easy to judge (as I probably would have after my well behaved daughter!)

speakout

My kids are in their early 20s now and as much as my mother would like to be taken on days out by them there is no great relationship.
What goes around comes around

Yes the grandparents who spend lots of time with grandchildren must have a much better relationship as a result. Maybe the ones who are stuck in care homes with no visitors didn't get too involved...

YANBU to be disappointed with the contribution your mother offers. I understand kids can be very tiring and it's your mum's call how much support she's willing to give, but it's also ok for you to feel aggrieved. Modern parenthood is incomparable to that of the 70s/80s/90s, and throw in a pandemic and lockdowns and it's a very bitter pill to swallow. I would consider relocation or investing in some good childcare for some hours.

Also, she may be chiiper for 68 but that doesn't mean she's got the energy to look after a 3 year old and 6 year old. It's exhausting for me at 33. It also takes longer to recover at 68. Which limits things again.

YABVU

@flingaling77

In addition, I don't think it's her responsibility. I just wish she would want to get involved like my in laws do even if she physically couldn't. She was a very hands on affectionate mum so I didn't think she wouldn't want to be involved much.

I have the opposite! My mum hated being a parent. Hated it. Was miserable as sin and when I had kids, I assumed she'd want no part of it. She fell in love with mine and found it was the responsibility she'd hated, after all, and she's been the most amazing support and help. I know how very, very lucky I am, but I also have friends who have literally no help at all. It's bloody hard. She also had cancer care a few years ago, which was obviously terrifying but she was also neutropenic (so couldn't risk any infection) so none of us saw her - and both my kids have complex needs, and my husband was working 60 hour weeks at the time. It was very, very hard indeed, that year, so yes I do have an idea, even though I am usually really lucky. And you can't have had many options for activities to run off energy and get a break, either. Cabin fever is no fun.

It's really hard, and I do honestly sympathise. Both mine are disabled and the workload is infinitely greater in a way nobody whose kids aren't could begin to understand. But it's not your mum's role, either - she chose to have her own, but not yours. One day a fortnight isn't bad at all, too - I don't think any parent is obligated to care for their children's children - but as it's cover while you work, it's a cost saving, and not a break, isn't it? It sounds a bit as if you're drowning and so feeling exhausted and angry that there's not more of a lifebelt for you, maybe? As I mentioned, I went through a time when I had to home ed my eldest as school was not possible for him (complex needs) my second was a toddler, my husband working 60 hour weeks and my mum having cancer treatment in another city so I was worried sick. Neither of mine slept through (still don't!) so my sanity was the one day a week a friend took them - she was a childminder, and I paid her, but it was everything. Everything. All I did was sleep and laundry, but it meant I coped till DD was preschool age, and then things slowly eased.

Have you thought of asking for support from HomeStart? They're a fantastic charity offering support for families with kids who struggle, and as you have a child with additional needs, you could well qualify? You do need some support, absolutely, given the situation (I realise the help of that one day a fortnight is largely just to cut childcare overheads, if you have to work during the time). It's just that I think you need to look outside your mum for it.

This is a really hard time, but it will get better. They'll get older, and you will have fewer pressures. Hang on in there - and ask Homestart for help. The early years are so hard, but they also go so very fast, looking back.

I think YABU unfortunately to expect her to help, but YANBU to make the life choices which work best for your family. So if it would suit you better to be nearer your DH's parents, then maybe consider moving. Your mum is being equally unreasonable to rely on you to provide support when you're stretched as it is.

If you can't have a break together, I think you need to give each other a break to survive...so make sure both you and your DH have 'free' time scheduled each week to rest and do something for yourself.

These are such difficult ones. Because yes some people are really lucky to have help form their parents.

But it's not a right. And you comparing her to you inlaws isn't fair. Your inlaws don't see you aren't aren't being asked for regular childcare

You can't claim you live near mum to help her and then moan that she doesn't want to help you. She is nearly 70.

My son has autism, so I know it's hard. And it soundsike you need support but that can't come from your mum. Unfortunately sometimes our kids are really difficult for us to care for. I can't imagine doing at nearly 70.

I agree with pp, that your son didn't nearly split you up.

Its been shit for the last 18 months. Everyone is just trying to get through what's, hopefully, the last bit. Your mum was right to not be in your bubble if she didn't feel she could provide childcare.

But I also get, you feeling down when your friends have help.

flingaling77

Honestly the behaviour you are describing sounds challenging and I can see why she is reluctant to take responsibility. You need to work on what is setting him off and look at ways to keep him calm.

I can see why you want help - I do wonder if your in laws would cope with that too?

I normally say YANBU for being disappointed. But surely one day every 2 weeks is quite a lot of hours for a challenging child in anyone's book?

I think you are not unreasonable to be disappointed
I have been lucky enough to have lots of help from my DPs and my ILS although I never take it for granted and we see a lot of them outside of when they look after the DC
My mother in particular is very keen for me to keep my career going

68 years old and offering one day a fortnight to take responsibility for a three year old with behavioural issues. I think she sounds ok tbh.

@Goldbar

I think YABU unfortunately to expect her to help, but YANBU to make the life choices which work best for your family. So if it would suit you better to be nearer your DH's parents, then maybe consider moving. Your mum is being equally unreasonable to rely on you to provide support when you're stretched as it is.

If you can't have a break together, I think you need to give each other a break to survive...so make sure both you and your DH have 'free' time scheduled each week to rest and do something for yourself.

This is a good post.

Do you think your in laws would be so 'hands on' if you lived a few minutes away from them?

@BluebellsGreenbells

I have 3 teens, I have no intention of baby sitting for any of them when the time comes!

What, never? 🙄

I also wouldn't upend my life to live near the in laws if they are the only reason for moving.

You may find that when it's regular childcare, they aren't so hands on. You mivig will probably change their whole lives. And if they are older than you mum there's every possibility that they won't be able to do it long term.

1 day a fortnight of help sounds like a lot to me, but we’ve never had any help at all so it’s all relative.

One of your comments was "Maybe we (I) should be selfish.."

Well you already are.

Think of why your mother wants some distance from you and your needs.

I am mid 60s and have 4 grandchildren. DH and I did quite a lot of childcare with the first, who is off to uni this Fall. It was mostly weekends as I had a demanding full time job. We had ourselves fully kitted out with stroller, high chair, car seats etc. We had lovely days out with him. He came with us all sorts of places.

The second came along and we still had them both quite often, but I do remember saying no once when we were in a hotel at Disneyland. Granddaughter was full on tantruming that day, we were exhausted, and it was just too much.

Sadly our other two are in the UK and we have not been able to see them for two years. But we have been many times and always help out with school runs, after school etc. But son and daughter in law are very good about giving us space if we are tired or have plans.

Really hoping that Canada makes it onto the Green list as we are booked for September. Can't understand why we aren't there already.

@Summerbubbles

Oh and I think some posters need to understand the strain that having a child with additional needs puts on a relationship, especially during lockdown when even paid childcare was unavailable but people were still expected to work. No previous generation has experienced the pressures of the last 18 months before.

This.

The head of SEN in our county used to train SENCOs using the At the end, he'd ask any parents if it was familiar - most were parents, and most would chuckle and nod. He then informed them that as a parent of a disabled child, he could confidently inform them that the gap in understanding of the demands is exactly the same.

Apparently, the room would go very quiet.