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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit put out with DP about this?

162 replies

Wearefearless · 06/08/2021 18:37

So to give the full context here, we have an eight month old. DP has been WFH since the start of the pandemic, it isn’t set hours as such but he generally does 830-5.

On Wednesday I went to visit friends quite a long way away. Left the house at about 10am, back by 6. DP went to the pub at 7. I bathed DS and put him to bed. No problem, he doesn’t normally go to the pub so not an issue.

Yesterday he stayed at work (in the house) until gone 7. Ds had bath at 8, bed by 830.

Today 6 o clock came and went. Assumed DP was working late again until I went into the kitchen to put something in the bin and saw him out in the garden.

AIBU to be a bit hurt? He’s barely seen either of us for the past couple of days.

OP posts:
Xmassprout · 06/08/2021 18:39

I don't understand I think I maybe missing something. If he is out in the garden can you not go out into the garden to see him?

AtrociousCircumstance · 06/08/2021 18:41

It’s a bit off he didn’t come and say hi. Is something up with him?

Original poster
Wearefearless · 06/08/2021 18:42

In other words that he finished work but didn’t tell me he’d finished, didn’t say hello to me or to ds but went straight out into the garden. If I hadn’t gone through I wouldn’t have had a clue he’d finished work.

OP posts:
icedcoffees · 06/08/2021 18:42

Why can't he go into the garden? What was he doing out there that you object to so badly?

twinningatlife · 06/08/2021 18:44

I think you're overreacting sorry

He's been stuck working from one room in the house he also spends 24 hours a day 7 days a week in and fancied some fresh air in the garden 🤷‍♀️

clickychicky · 06/08/2021 18:44

Could you not have gone into the garden to see him? Is your garden massive so you can't see him unless you are out there looking so he's basically hiding or was he just enjoying the sun while it's there? Maybe stressful day at work.

Original poster
Wearefearless · 06/08/2021 18:44

Nothing. It isn’t going into the garden I’m upset about. Sorry, I know it’s AIBU and a bit of arsiness is expected but I do think it’s fairly obvious that it’s not the garden I have an issue with.

OP posts:
clickychicky · 06/08/2021 18:45

WFH gets pretty relentless after a while. Novelty wore off months ago. Nice to get outside.

BlueSurfer · 06/08/2021 18:45

He’s only in the garden and has been working all day. Is there a lot more to this?

Original poster
Wearefearless · 06/08/2021 18:45

What I’m saying is that I’ve had an eight month old on my own for nearly three whole days and I do think he would have come in to give me a break when he finished. Instead he went off on his own.

OP posts:
Hekatestorch · 06/08/2021 18:45

Totally depends. Sometimes, work gets so overloaded for me I need some time to myself.

Yes, I get it may not seem fair. Wfh is great, but often the drive home was time to decompress. I miss that.

Was he purposely trying to avoid you and ds or did he just go into the garden

AdriannaP · 06/08/2021 18:46

I think yabu. It’s not like he went to the pub or something. He just sat? in this own garden after a day of work. Everyone needs a break sometimes.

clickychicky · 06/08/2021 18:47

@Wearefearless

In other words that he finished work but didn’t tell me he’d finished, didn’t say hello to me or to ds but went straight out into the garden. If I hadn’t gone through I wouldn’t have had a clue he’d finished work.
Oh I see! I guess it depends what work he does, if its traumatic or stressful he might want time to unwind. Pre WFH that transition would be driving/on the train back.
WimpoleHat · 06/08/2021 18:47

I’d have thought he would assume that you would see him in the garden and go to join him? I’d be more upset if he were, say, sitting in his office pretending to work while looking at his phone/playing video games or whatever.

Finfintytint · 06/08/2021 18:47

I need to transition from work to home mentally by thinking about bits and pieces on the way home, so I’m ready for family time when I arrive home. WFH eliminates this transition, so maybe it’s a quick wind down before engaging with family.

clickychicky · 06/08/2021 18:48

Does he help in the mornings/night if baby wakes up. Maybe he'll help this weekend?

clickychicky · 06/08/2021 18:49

@WimpoleHat

I’d have thought he would assume that you would see him in the garden and go to join him? I’d be more upset if he were, say, sitting in his office pretending to work while looking at his phone/playing video games or whatever.
I agree, if he was hiding and pretending to work then that would be an issue. But the garden is somewhere you can see him
Hekatestorch · 06/08/2021 18:50

What is he normally like? What will the weekend be like?

You say he doesn't go to the pub often, so that's not a common occurance. What about work usually?

gobbynorthernbird · 06/08/2021 18:51

I used to get 40 minutes to decompress after work (because of my commute). Now it's about 4 seconds. I think it is OK to take a few minutes before switching on partner/parent mode.

Original poster
Wearefearless · 06/08/2021 18:53

I can’t see him in the garden unless I go to one of the back bedrooms.

I’m not necessarily suggesting he was deliberately hiding but I do think he sneaked out a bit as it were as he was hastily getting out and looking a bit sheepish when I went in.

OP posts:
ShitShop · 06/08/2021 18:57

I think the bigger issue is not him going to the garden but that you feel like all the parenting is falling to you and YOU need a break too! It’s tough sometimes to articulate when someone has annoyed you - obviously you don’t actually object to him going outside, but it’s weird that he didn’t pop in to the room where you and DS were when he finished work and reconnect with you both.

I get the need for him to decompress but I think the real question is when do you get to decompress from your long day of entertaining a baby?!

MumW · 06/08/2021 18:58

I can see were other posters are coming from, but I agree with OP that DP should have let her know he'd finished, even if he'd said it had been a manic day at work and he needed half an hour to clear his head.
I'm sure OP would love some head space after 3 days effectively alone with a toddler, too.

Original poster
Wearefearless · 06/08/2021 18:58

The thing is that I wouldn’t have minded a bit if he’d said he was going to sit in the hot tub for a bit. Not a problem. It’s the fact I was sat in the lounge like a lemon waiting for him to ‘come home’ when all the time, he was!

OP posts:
UserStillatLarge · 06/08/2021 19:05

If he works from home, does he not ever come and see you during the day for even 5 minutes? TBH I'd expect him to be taking the toddler for a bit during a break.

Hekatestorch · 06/08/2021 19:06

What hot tub, I thought he was sat in the garden?