Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

To be a bit put out with DP about this?

162 replies

Wearefearless · 06/08/2021 18:37

So to give the full context here, we have an eight month old. DP has been WFH since the start of the pandemic, it isn’t set hours as such but he generally does 830-5.

On Wednesday I went to visit friends quite a long way away. Left the house at about 10am, back by 6. DP went to the pub at 7. I bathed DS and put him to bed. No problem, he doesn’t normally go to the pub so not an issue.

Yesterday he stayed at work (in the house) until gone 7. Ds had bath at 8, bed by 830.

Today 6 o clock came and went. Assumed DP was working late again until I went into the kitchen to put something in the bin and saw him out in the garden.

AIBU to be a bit hurt? He’s barely seen either of us for the past couple of days.

OP posts:

NailsNeedDoing · 06/08/2021 19:28

It’s worth remembering that lots of people understandably value the time they have travelling from work to home, me included, just because it helps to have that little bit of thinking space in between being in work mode and then being your best self around your family at home. It won’t be that he doesn’t want to spend time with you, try not to begrudge him that little bit of time. He does need to learn to communicate that that’s what he needs to do though, it’s all part of the downsides to wfh!

Hekatestorch · 06/08/2021 19:30

My comment was to those saying OP should get over herself.

What's that got to do with their standards?

icedcoffees · 06/08/2021 19:30

He finished work. He didn’t want to see us, he wanted to go in the hot tub on his own.

I think you're taking it personally when it's not.

It's not that he didn't want to see you and spend time with you, it's that he had a busy/tiring/shit day and just wanted half an hour to switch off on a Friday night.

He maybe felt that if he came and spoke to you, you'd not have understood what he wanted/needed and would have made him feel guilty.

Better to ask forgiveness and all that.

Original poster

Wearefearless · 06/08/2021 19:31

WFH isn’t a new thing though @NailsNeedDoing

What about when I’m at work and want to decompress? Do I get to just leave ds?

OP posts:

MontysMinions · 06/08/2021 19:39

I get it OP but I think there is a big difference between going and sitting in the garden and getting changed and into the hot tub and probably relevant to add upfront.

I'm not long back off maternity leave and my DH would often finish work (WFH) and go and sit in the garden. I'd spot him and me and DS would join him. I get having to unwind for a bit post work.

But getting changed, going downstairs, turning the hot tub on, lifting the lid etc all without saying anything and being quiet enough for you not to notice does smack of sneaking off!

And as you've said, if he'd had mentioned needing 20 mins you'd probably have been fine

I'd just have a word and perhaps with the weekend he could spend a day with your DC and give you some time to unwind?

mswales · 06/08/2021 19:40

Also shocked by some of the responses you're getting. I don't understand why he didn't do bath and bed after he finished work the second night. Or why he isn't having lunch or even 10 minutes or whatever with you two in the day. How much childcare does he usually do in the evenings and at weekends? Sounds like you are being treated as the default carer even outside of working hours.

daisydaisy7 · 06/08/2021 19:43

I'd be annoyed too op.
You parent while he works and once he's done working then parenting becomes a joint responsibility.
For him just to ignore you both like you weren't home and get himself changed and into the hot tub is very selfish behaviour.
He's had 'his time' earlier in the week going to the pub.
Yeah he might have had a long day but you might have too. His time to unwind, unless previously arranged (like the pub), is when the baby is in bed.

Eviethyme · 06/08/2021 19:45

Sorry but I'm with you OP.

I wouldn't dream of just pretending I hadn't come home yet after work :S i would say hi and tell you that I'm going to get in the hot tub for a wind down. Its not asking permission it's just so you know I am home and I'm in the garden!!!

mynameisbrian · 06/08/2021 19:45

Does he do parenting of his DC at all or is it all left to you? You both sound like your single

Aprilx · 06/08/2021 19:47

Good grief he has just sat in the garden! Of course YABU.

Whyemseeaye · 06/08/2021 19:47

Why didn’t you say something straight away?

If that we’re my husband I’d have said “oh excellent you’ve finished for the day!” Handed him DS and gone for a sit down!

Any further conversation with him would’ve been along the lines of “what shall we do this evening? I’m sure you’ve got lots to share as we haven’t caught up for a few days”

Anonymous48 · 06/08/2021 19:48

So I'm confused. Did he just go out into the garden, in which case it could have been just for a minute or two to get some fresh air before coming back in and engaging with you and your son? Or did he get changed and go out into the hot tub without mentioning to you that that's what he was planning on doing? Because to me those are two completely different scenarios and you haven't made it clear.

Original poster

Wearefearless · 06/08/2021 19:49

In fairness I didn’t have to. He did look a bit guilty as I’ve said and he took ds.

I do feel a bit sad, though.

OP posts:

cuparfull · 06/08/2021 19:50

@AdriannaP

I think yabu. It’s not like he went to the pub or something. He just sat? in this own garden after a day of work. Everyone needs a break sometimes.

A mother never gets a break! Do you even have children?

Original poster

Wearefearless · 06/08/2021 19:51

I don’t know that they are hugely different, which is why I said in the garden. But he finished work, at what time I do not know, and he went into the hot tub.

For all I know he finished at 4 and was happily splashing about for two hours.

I think it’s because while he didn’t lie to me he sort of did. He gave me the impression he was working late and instead went into the hot tub.

OP posts:

supermadre78 · 06/08/2021 19:52

Surely OP has been looking after her son all day which is a job in itself. She doesn't get to sit in the garden relaxing/taking time out when she feels like it. Presumably it was a joint decision to have children and he's the dad so surely he would want to spend time with the son before he goes to bed. We're in 2021 and not the 1950s?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 06/08/2021 19:53

I think most posters have been harsh.

Me and my husband try and work an equal leisure time arrangement, its never been spoken but if one of us is busy with work or friends, when we are free again we will automatically do a bit more to give the other a break. I think although your baby isnt in the intense newborn phase you still need some time to yourself, to not be the person on duty, and to 'decompress'. Some people love looking after babies and find it relaxing and others cant wait for some adult company and time that's separate from being a primary carer.

The fact he didnt tell you and left you sat there waiting, and wasnt keen to see you and your baby after not seeing you for a few days, would leave me feeling hurt

Original poster

Wearefearless · 06/08/2021 19:53

Well, DP apparently does need to go to the pub to escape the horrors of me. Perhaps I should put a ribbon in my hair

OP posts:

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 06/08/2021 19:54

Me and my husband both wfh and if one of us has the kids, the other tries to help out if they are free. I woukdnt sneak off, if I'd had a bad day I'd tell him it's been manic and say I needed some time out before seeing the kids

Original poster

Wearefearless · 06/08/2021 19:54

It isn’t so much the fact that he went in the hot tub I have a problem with as the fact he was sneaky about it, and he was.

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/08/2021 19:55

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss
In what way was op free to see friends? She has a baby in tow. You make it sounds as though she’s a lady, who lunches, not a woman on MAT leave.

Anonymous48 · 06/08/2021 19:56

@Wearefearless

I don’t know that they are hugely different, which is why I said in the garden. But he finished work, at what time I do not know, and he went into the hot tub.

For all I know he finished at 4 and was happily splashing about for two hours.

I think it’s because while he didn’t lie to me he sort of did. He gave me the impression he was working late and instead went into the hot tub.

l completely disagree. There's a huge difference between going out into the garden - which is what you had originally said, and could have just been for a minute or two - and going to the trouble of getting changed and into the hot tub, which presumably would not be just for a minute or two. Had you said that originally, I would probably have voted that you weren't being unreasonable, but from your original post I thought you were being very unreasonable.

Original poster

Wearefearless · 06/08/2021 19:58

I have no idea if it was for a minute or two or not because he didn’t tell me he’d finished work. That’s largely the premise of my AIBU.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 06/08/2021 20:00

OP,

Ignore the horrible posts.
There is a lot of it on MN these days.

Of course YANBU.
He is just being very selfish.
That's it.

I honestly can't imagine a good father, living in the same house barely seeing his baby for 3 days.
I really don't.

He was rude to not let you know, it was deliberate so he could be selfish.

If it's a one off thats fine but if you see a pattern you need to ask wtf he thinks he's playing at.

Is he on his own with the baby ever?

If not, you have a problem on your hands that you had better start correcting asap.

Dullardmullard · 06/08/2021 20:01

@Wearefearless

Well, DP apparently does need to go to the pub to escape the horrors of me. Perhaps I should put a ribbon in my hair

D9 you mean he’s now went to the pub??

Oh no it’s time for a chat to sort this all out as he was in the wrong

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7