To be a bit put out with DP about this?

[Wearefearless]

So to give the full context here, we have an eight month old. DP has been WFH since the start of the pandemic, it isn’t set hours as such but he generally does 830-5.

On Wednesday I went to visit friends quite a long way away. Left the house at about 10am, back by 6. DP went to the pub at 7. I bathed DS and put him to bed. No problem, he doesn’t normally go to the pub so not an issue.

Yesterday he stayed at work (in the house) until gone 7. Ds had bath at 8, bed by 830.

Today 6 o clock came and went. Assumed DP was working late again until I went into the kitchen to put something in the bin and saw him out in the garden.

AIBU to be a bit hurt? He’s barely seen either of us for the past couple of days.

[quote Whyemseeaye]@Hekatestorch but it’s not a case of what OP might do in the future. It’s a case of what she did do, and how the last 72 hours have unfolded.

She went out for the day and took her son with her. Being out with a small child is not the same as going out alone. You are “on” and responsible for the child.

DH went out for the evening alone so was able to relax entirely. Then when the opportunity arose for him to grab another break for himself he took it.

He has done that knowing his wife hasn’t had any time to herself for 72 hours. It’s selfish. Or is it fair that because she has a vagina she should bear the brunt of the child rearing responsibilities?![/quote]
But he was working and op is, I presume, in mat leave or a sahp. Unless her dp has booked the day off, there's not much choice.

I actually agree that going in the hot tub, without telling her want ok. Op says she wouldnt mind if he had told her.

My point was about taking the baby to the pub.

However, the narrative op hasn't had a break for 72 hours, seems a bit over stretched at this point.

He rarely goes to the pub and it appears he wouldn't normally do this sort of thing. So unless he never does he fair share and op never gets a break, looking at one 72 period doesn't show the whole relationship.

In every relationship, even where parenting is fully 50:50 there may be short periods where one does more than the other.

YADNBU OP. I would have been livid. Ahh the important man had a long day working from home so needed to relax in the hot tub. WTAF. With small children nobody should relax until kids are in bed and all chores done. Decompressing after a day’s work is rarely a luxury that the parent (let’s face it, mother) at home gets. Somehow men get away with this shit.

YANBU OP, I'd feel the same. I've just finished maternity leave with DH wfh, the days can be very long without adult company or a break to offload the baby. I'd be upset if DH didn't get that.

@DisorganisedOrganiser

YADNBU OP. I would have been livid. Ahh the important man had a long day working from home so needed to relax in the hot tub. WTAF. With small children nobody should relax until kids are in bed and all chores done. Decompressing after a day’s work is rarely a luxury that the parent (let’s face it, mother) at home gets. Somehow men get away with this shit.

Yeah, this basically.

just talk to him and tell him how you feel? Perhaps he's just got something from work on his mind and just didn't think to check in with you?
If he was behaving like this all the time I'd be pissed off but I think occasionally people can just be a bit thoughtless, I know I can... unless its a serious pattern of behaviour that he's not pulling his weight with childcare day to day.. then I think you might be overreacting a touch

@MindyStClaire

YANBU OP, I'd feel the same. I've just finished maternity leave with DH wfh, the days can be very long without adult company or a break to offload the baby. I'd be upset if DH didn't get that.

It’s surprisingly lonely, having someone there all the time, yet not there, and the going off into the hot tub really exacerbated this feeling.

Just bloody talk to him.

Communication is key. It's the solid foundation that marriage is built on.

Talk about these things. He's your husband. I'm sure you can be open a d honest with each other.

He isn’t my husband.

But either way, I think bloody talking to him now, when I’m tired and he’s had a beer, isn’t likely to be productive. I’ll leave it until tomorrow.

I think the point is OP shouldn’t have to talk to him. It should be blatantly obvious that this behaviour is completely unacceptable. Pissing about in a hot tub is not on when your wife is still wrangling the baby.

Sorry OP, partner not wife.

Completely understand where you are coming from OP, he definitely should have said he had finished work. If he needed his 'commute time' to wind down, take his work head off and put dad/hubby head on he really should have said so rather than disappear outside to the hot tub. WFH is really tough, I've been doing so since March 2020. DH on the other hand still gets to go to work so gets 30 minutes every day to himself driving home. If I've had a particularly busy day I say so and he tells me to take some time to decompress before I put my mum head back on. I don't miss the commute to work but really miss the drive home. I have 2 days home with our 3 year old and sometimes I'd rather be working so completely understand your frustrations!! Hope you can have a chat with him to sort out where you're both coming from x

I think its OK to not want to see your partner for every minute of the day. I'd probably mention to my husband if I were going sitting in a hot tub but I can't see me being bothered if he didn't mention it.

You talk as though your partner is shirking responsibility, but he's been working, aside from 1 evening after you'd been out the entire day anyway. Obviously he can't socialise at the same time as you because he's working!

I think its OK to not want to see your partner for every minute of the day

Believe me, I am well aware of this, after over a year of WFH, but he does have ample time when I’m not around.

I don’t expect him to socialise at the same time as me when he’s working. I’ve been very clear I had no issue at all with him going to the pub. I do have an issue with having the impression he’s at work when he is relaxing. Had he said ‘mind if I go in the hot tub for half an hour’ I would have had absolutely no issue.

Op has this incident just the tip of the iceberg?

@DisorganisedOrganiser

I think the point is OP shouldn’t have to talk to him. It should be blatantly obvious that this behaviour is completely unacceptable. Pissing about in a hot tub is not on when your wife is still wrangling the baby.

Yup.

No, I don’t think so. He isn’t ordinarily so inconsiderate but I do think it was out of order and worthy of a conversation.

Male perspective. Someone with a stressful job, hot tub and have kids so recall the early stages.

OP, that's prize arse behaviour and he should be ashamed of himself. Its not as if looking after a kid on your own is a bed of roses and it's not hard to let you know "hey, I'm pooped and I need a special mo in the sex pond alone nudge nudge".

Even without kids it's a poor old show. Wouldn't and don't treat my darling wife and kids like this, don't get anyone who would.

He needs to grovel.

@Hekatestorch I entirely agree that even the best parenting partnership is seldom 50:50. Life is busy which means it’s all swings and roundabouts.

However I do think it’s unfair to minimise the OP contribution to maintaining family life over the last three days by saying the narrative has been “overstretched.”

Her being there and doing everything for their son allows her DH to do his job without interruption, and that shouldn’t be overlooked. Although it frequently is.

It’s entirely possible as a mother on mat leave or SAHP to get no break from small children or to find oneself doing everything. That is tiring after one day, let alone for many in a row.

Would it really be so impossible for DH to have booked a day of annual leave to allow OP to have some child free downtime? Knowing he’ll be out in the evening. Again swings and roundabouts.

He may not be a regular pub goer and this maybe out of character for him but going by what OP has said he behaved unfairly in this instance.

All we have here is vignette of this couples life together. I’m not saying LTB or that he’s a terrible person. Just that she is right to be annoyed.

I genuinely can't understand why people are saying you're being unreasonable here. I'd be so hurt too OP and worried about him avoiding me

Yes I understand why you are pissed off.

Utterly self centred. Ignoring you both, damn right rude. It's not unusual many tales told by many of my working mum friends. Men locking themselves in their office and coming out after bath/bedtime. How convenient.

I would be upset too OP. And why isn't he spending his lunch break with you and his son?

I think, even if you didn't have a baby it's strange behaviour. You were waiting for him to finish work and all the time he is actually finished and sitting in the bloody hot tub. That is a bit off but maybe hard to explain to him why.
My dh would get distracted easily and would get out of his car coming back from work, see something he needed to put in the garage, notice something there that needed done and suddenly be stuck in something ..all without saying hello. That would get to me.
But popping into the hot tub is on an other level. But l can bet he will be looking at you in complete puzzlement when you bring it up.

God people on this post are weird.
When my husband finishes work (also wfh) the first thing he does is comes down the stairs to see me and the kids. He can't wait to see them at the end of his day. I'd be hurt and annoyed if he just went off and did something else without first coming to see us and say hello

My issue would be is for 3 nights in a row he hasn't helped with tea bath and bed you haven't moaned about it and you wouldn't mind if he was working but he's having a rest in the garden.

Yeah I would be pissed off aswell.