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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit put out with DP about this?

162 replies

Wearefearless · 06/08/2021 18:37

So to give the full context here, we have an eight month old. DP has been WFH since the start of the pandemic, it isn’t set hours as such but he generally does 830-5.

On Wednesday I went to visit friends quite a long way away. Left the house at about 10am, back by 6. DP went to the pub at 7. I bathed DS and put him to bed. No problem, he doesn’t normally go to the pub so not an issue.

Yesterday he stayed at work (in the house) until gone 7. Ds had bath at 8, bed by 830.

Today 6 o clock came and went. Assumed DP was working late again until I went into the kitchen to put something in the bin and saw him out in the garden.

AIBU to be a bit hurt? He’s barely seen either of us for the past couple of days.

OP posts:
PidgeInAPud · 06/08/2021 20:01

YANBU, surely most parents would be keen to see their little baby after work not sneek out into the garden to avoid contact. My DC are adults now but when they were babies DH worked from home and he was always excited to see them at the end of the day. I'd feel sad about this too OP.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 06/08/2021 20:03

Mm. Well I get it.
I've been the one at home with the kids.
I'm working from home permanently. I miss the commute. It was my me time!

Anonymous48 · 06/08/2021 20:05

@Wearefearless

I have no idea if it was for a minute or two or not because he didn’t tell me he’d finished work. That’s largely the premise of my AIBU.
I don't know if you are deliberately misunderstanding me. The point is if you saw him in the garden he could have just stepped outside for a minute for some fresh air before going back to work or coming in to join you and your son. Would you expect him to check with you if that was what he was doing? Does he have to tell you the second he finishes work?

If he was in the hot tub he had made a decision to go get changed and into the hot tub, knowing that it would me more than just a few minutes, without mentioning it to you. That's a huge difference.

Whyemseeaye · 06/08/2021 20:06

I know why you’re upset OP. I have two small children and I know exactly how you’re feeling.

He’s basically sloped off, like he has not a care in the world, and literally left you holding the baby.

It’s not that you begrudge him a soak in the hot tub after a long day at work.

it’s the fact that he’s made out he’s super busy but clearly isn’t as busy as he’s said, and you now feel you and DS aren’t top of his list when he has free time.

You feel that way because you wouldn’t do what your DH did.

I bet as soon as you’re free you head straight back to help DH and be with DS.

I’d have to say something. It’s not a row just a stating of the facts.

tiredanddangerous · 06/08/2021 20:07

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all op and I would have felt the same Flowers

MontysMinions · 06/08/2021 20:08

Totally agree with @Anonymous48 . Massively different scenarios

I think if your Op had said you'd found him sat in the hot tub having turned it on and got changed, you would have got totally different responses from 'he was sitting in the garden'. From your Op I was a bit 🤷🏻‍♀️ but reading on I think YANBU

The difference is intent. Hot tub suggests he wants a reasonable period of time to himself. Sitting in the garden could be simply a breath of fresh air and something you and DS might join him in.

Original poster
Wearefearless · 06/08/2021 20:09

does he have to tell you the second he finishes work

I think it would be polite, yes. Especially given he was working all evening yesterday.

If he missed the commute he does have the option of working from the office. The fact he doesn’t do this suggests to me he doesn’t.

OP posts:
Anonymous48 · 06/08/2021 20:09

@MontysMinions

Totally agree with *@Anonymous48* . Massively different scenarios

I think if your Op had said you'd found him sat in the hot tub having turned it on and got changed, you would have got totally different responses from 'he was sitting in the garden'. From your Op I was a bit 🤷🏻‍♀️ but reading on I think YANBU

The difference is intent. Hot tub suggests he wants a reasonable period of time to himself. Sitting in the garden could be simply a breath of fresh air and something you and DS might join him in.

Absolutely!
666TheNumberOfTheBeast · 06/08/2021 20:10

I get the need for him to decompress but I think the real question is when do you get to decompress from your long day of entertaining a baby?!

This. He should be on hand to help you and then decompress afterwards. Have you talked to him?

Anonymous48 · 06/08/2021 20:11

@Wearefearless

does he have to tell you the second he finishes work

I think it would be polite, yes. Especially given he was working all evening yesterday.

If he missed the commute he does have the option of working from the office. The fact he doesn’t do this suggests to me he doesn’t.

I think that is unreasonable. You would be upset if he went to the loo or stepped outside for a moment after finishing work, without informing you first? That's ridiculous.
Hekatestorch · 06/08/2021 20:11

@MontysMinions

Totally agree with *@Anonymous48* . Massively different scenarios

I think if your Op had said you'd found him sat in the hot tub having turned it on and got changed, you would have got totally different responses from 'he was sitting in the garden'. From your Op I was a bit 🤷🏻‍♀️ but reading on I think YANBU

The difference is intent. Hot tub suggests he wants a reasonable period of time to himself. Sitting in the garden could be simply a breath of fresh air and something you and DS might join him in.

Exactly.

This is why I am confused. That plus that pp says she would have minded if he had said, but also says she is desperate for break (understandable) and hom telling her wouldn't have gotten her, her break.

Original poster
Wearefearless · 06/08/2021 20:11

No, but I will. I don’t think they are hugely different scenarios at all: he went off giving me the impression he was at work and he was not.

OP posts:
quizqueen · 06/08/2021 20:12

Doesn't he come and have lunch with you, as a family ,when he's WFH?When is your lunch break and who looks after your toddler while you have it? Do you see what I'm getting at!

Airyfairymarybeary · 06/08/2021 20:13

Does he share any of the parenting load?

Hekatestorch · 06/08/2021 20:15

If he missed the commute he does have the option of working from the office. The fact he doesn’t do this suggests to me he doesn’t.

I don't think one follows the other. You can miss the time to decompress that the cmute home gave, while still preffering wfh overall.

Are you maybe just still both adjusting to the baby and the new dynamic of you being on mat leave?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 06/08/2021 20:18

When he has stopped work, caring for your child is a joint responsibility. Its courtesy to tell the other person that they are doing your share because you need a break.

It's like if you were at work, and you are both on duty, and your colleague finishes and doesnt tell you and you're still working while they're on a break and answering all their calls. If they had said 'I had a really awful afternoon, I need 10 min to regroup', most people would be fine with that. If a colleague made out that they were working and knew a colleague was covering for them but was actually taking an extended breakthen most co workers would not be fine with that.

Hopeisnotastrategy · 06/08/2021 20:18

Has his behaviour changed since he went to the pub? I'd be doing a little gentle digging OP, if only to put my mind at rest.Was he working late last night, or gaming or chatting to someone? Something doesn't pass the sniff test/ at least needs clarifying here.

YANBU.

Original poster
Wearefearless · 06/08/2021 20:19

I think there is clearly an enormous difference between going to the toilet and going in a hot tub.

OP posts:
ChristmasFluff · 06/08/2021 20:21

I think if nothing else, this thread has shown why in future it would be more productuve to speak to your DP about how you feel about his behaviour, rather than venting to strangers

Crowtooyo · 06/08/2021 20:21

Op, is everything OK? I think the issues sound deeper. I'm confused how you don't know how long he was outside. Wasn't he working from home? Are you and DS locked in one room? Don't you have free reign of your own home? I don't understand how he goes to work (from home ) and you don't speak or see him all day.

Original poster
Wearefearless · 06/08/2021 20:23

@ChristmasFluff

I think if nothing else, this thread has shown why in future it would be more productuve to speak to your DP about how you feel about his behaviour, rather than venting to strangers
Thank you but I shall continue to post as and when I see fit.
OP posts:
AlmostSummer21 · 06/08/2021 20:25

Do you & DS ever go in the hot tub?

Hekatestorch · 06/08/2021 20:25

@Wearefearless

I think there is clearly an enormous difference between going to the toilet and going in a hot tub.
I don't know. I have known loads of men who disappear off to the toilet for an hour Grin
SparrowNest · 06/08/2021 20:25

Everyone trying to make you paranoid that he’s cheating or whatever is being ridiculous too. Nothing you’ve said suggests that. It’s quite clear what the situation is

Original poster
Wearefearless · 06/08/2021 20:27

True re the toilet!

No I don’t think he is cheating. I think it is straightforward enough. He wanted to go in the hot tub and he did but wasn’t upfront about it, giving me the impression he was working.

OP posts: