To be a bit put out with DP about this?

[Wearefearless]

So to give the full context here, we have an eight month old. DP has been WFH since the start of the pandemic, it isn’t set hours as such but he generally does 830-5.

On Wednesday I went to visit friends quite a long way away. Left the house at about 10am, back by 6. DP went to the pub at 7. I bathed DS and put him to bed. No problem, he doesn’t normally go to the pub so not an issue.

Yesterday he stayed at work (in the house) until gone 7. Ds had bath at 8, bed by 830.

Today 6 o clock came and went. Assumed DP was working late again until I went into the kitchen to put something in the bin and saw him out in the garden.

AIBU to be a bit hurt? He’s barely seen either of us for the past couple of days.

We don't even have children but I would be upset if DH didn't come and speak to me when he finishes work.

He usually offers to make me a cup of tea and if the weather is ok would probably suggest we go and sit in the garden to drink it and chat.

@Wearefearless

I think there is clearly an enormous difference between going to the toilet and going in a hot tub.

Of course there is! That's the point!

Yes, he was unreasonable to go in the hot tub without checking in with you. He wouldn't have been unreasonable to step outside for a minute or two (or go to the loo) before telling you he was done with work for the day. Yet you claim not to be able to see the difference.

50/50 parenting doesn't mean it's split that equally all the time. Sometimes the split is 20/80 or 40/60 and it flips between the both of you. Sometimes you do more, sometimes less, sometimes it flows well. But life is such a balance it doesn't always work out in your favour.
But you can turn it around and if you feel you need some quiet time then go ahead and have some. Figure it out together. Resentment is a killer in marriage. Communicate this issue to him now efficiently and you will save so much resentment and pain.
Be a team and work it out together.

i am shocked at these responses, OP partner wfh, does nothing with his DC, pops off to the pub, doesnt let OP know he has finished for the day but instead sneaks off to the hottub.

I hope your on maternity leave and not decided to become a SAHM...as your DP has shown you how that is going to turn out

I think I get you OP.

I also think you should talk to him about it, and see what your feeling off that is, because for me, this sort of thing was the beginning of the end (not that I realised it at the time)

By the end, I was getting up and taking the kids to school before he'd even got out of bed. He was taking over the kitchen to work (when he was in the country) because he couldn't be bothered to put his desk together in his office (we'd recently moved house, my office I put together so I could work out of the way almost as soon as I put the kids beds together). Then he was coming to bed late, sometimes disappearing out without even bothering to message me or leave a note.

By the time I ended it, he'd spent so little time with us that the kids didn't even ask where he was gone for 6 weeks, and 6 months later (when he finally came back to the country he'd moved us to - neither of our home countries) they luckily aren't particularly bothered to see him (lucky, because he can't be bothered to see them more than once a week either).

So what I'm saying is, find out now, before you're 6 more years in, have put on 20kg out of what you now realise is depression, and have nearly sacrificed your own career trying to please a man that just can't be bothered to put in any effort back.

Bitter? Not really, angry at his self-absorbed cowardice? Absolutely.

@mynameisbrian what do you mean 'pops off to the pub' ??
I read it as the op had been out all day with her friend and he then went to the pub. What is wrong with that?

@Crowtooyo OP DH didn’t take his DS to the pub with him. He had that time to himself.

As I read it OP took her son with her when she was out for the day. Happy to be corrected if I’ve read that wrong

My husband likes watching rugby. Normally he tells me 'theres a match on at 5pm sunday that I dont want to miss' and that's fine I'll have the kids or if I'm cooking g he will loosely keep an eye on them, all fine as he gets up early with them so deserves some time to relax.

Bit a couple of times (in 10 years) we have been all busy doing something and he has popped off to the toilet or to put something away and then hist decided on his way back that he is going to watch the rugby and not said anything. I know what you mean OP it's the sitting there like a lemon thinking 'god has he had a heart attack on the loo', going to check if he is ok and seeing him relaxing while assuming that you will be fine being the default parent that pisses me off. I have never said anything other than 'oh I didnt know I was in charge'because it's not a pattern and he does more than his fair share but it did annoy me nonetheless.

you sound like an absolute nightmare

Tbf the hot tub changed my mind.

If he had just stepped into get garden, I don't think it's unreasonable he didn't let you know he had finished straight away. I would say hi to Dp doing the same. But that's because I have to walk through the living room and kitchen diner to get to it. So would actually see him.

If he wasworking in the study downstairs, I probably wouldn't tell him I was going in the garden for a short while.

If dp was working in the study and I was upstairs, I would expect to be told he was going in the garden but would think it odd if he didn't tell me he was going in the hot tub for an hour.

I absolutely would tell him if I was going out into the hot tub.

I do think there's a huge difference between taking a short break in the garden and getting in the hot tub.

But I also don't think op knows exactly what about it bothered her, so a bit confusing.

But if he is generally not like this, I would have made a comment like 'oh thought you would sneak out here and not come see me and ds' or 'don't get used to finishing work and jumping in there. You have responsibilities inside/it's my turn on monday'

Everyone is occasionally selfish. Everyone. Even mothers. Unless it's a common occurance and you can't express yourself, I don't think it's a huge deal.

If it was a dad who wrote, I sloped off from work, quietly got in the hot tub, didn't mention anything to my wife who's had our baby pretty much on her for the past 3 days, everyone would be up in arms calling him a selfish git.

So no OP yanbu, and I can understand feeling hurt. It all comes down to thought, and unfortunately your DH hasn't given you or your baby a thought before himself or if he has and still gone ahead he's a selfish git. It's not something most mums/wife's do (and if they do they get battered over the head for it!)

You probably need to have a think about how things are normally with sharing the load. Then sit down and have a chat about why he did what he did and then chat about how you would both like things be going forward.

[quote Whyemseeaye]@Crowtooyo OP DH didn’t take his DS to the pub with him. He had that time to himself.

As I read it OP took her son with her when she was out for the day. Happy to be corrected if I’ve read that wrong[/quote]
Why would he take ds to the pub?

I am sure if op was going out to a place mainly for grown ups, on an evening she wouldn't take her ds either.

Yanbu.
My friends DH works from home and she is at home with the kids during the holidays . They have a hot tub and when he finishes work , he always lets my friend know he's finished for the day and he's going to jump in the hot tub for a bit ,if she's okay with it .

My DH works from home and always tells me when he's finished ...our children are teenagers ...but it's just good manners and courteous .

You are right , it is sneaky . It also made me think that his mind is elsewhere!

@Hekatestorch but it’s not a case of what OP might do in the future. It’s a case of what she did do, and how the last 72 hours have unfolded.

She went out for the day and took her son with her. Being out with a small child is not the same as going out alone. You are “on” and responsible for the child.

DH went out for the evening alone so was able to relax entirely. Then when the opportunity arose for him to grab another break for himself he took it.

He has done that knowing his wife hasn’t had any time to herself for 72 hours. It’s selfish. Or is it fair that because she has a vagina she should bear the brunt of the child rearing responsibilities?!

@Wearefearless

The hot tub is in the garden.

Ok I was with your DH about spending time in the garden until you mentioned the hot tub! There's having a bit of time to unwind then there is taking the piss. When do you get to sit in the hot tub for an hour?

OP I think some of the comments are really harsh. I’m on mat leave with a 10mo and a partner also working full time from home and I would be upset if he did this. It’s not him wanting to use the hot tub, it’s the sneaking off to do it. Mat leave is hard work! Come 5pm when I’ve been on my own with a baby all day I am done and I’m counting down the minutes to him finishing and holding her so I can go to the toilet in peace/drink a hot cup of tea/cook dinner using two hands etc. I really need that bit of time minus baby or just with another adult to communicate with! When he finishes work you should be a team dealing with the childcare and he has assumed you are default parent and will just continue doing everything for baby while he does what he wants, and that’s not on. If he needs time for himself he should discuss that with you and you can work out a plan for the evening together as a team IMO.

Crowtooyo nothing wrong with going to the pub. However OP DP had the whole day WFH whilst OP and his baby DC was out for the day, they got home and he went out. He hasnt spent time with his DC for three days which is why OP is pissed off and to top it off he doesnt let her know he has finished early for the day and sneaks off to the hot tub... Doesnt sound like a partnership to me

[quote Crowtooyo]@mynameisbrian what do you mean 'pops off to the pub' ??
I read it as the op had been out all day with her friend and he then went to the pub. What is wrong with that?[/quote]

OP has met a friend for a day out, AND taken her baby DS with her.

Anyone in that situation knows that's not exactly a girls spa day and certainly not equivalent to a child-free evening at the pub.

@Whyemseeaye ahhh that makes sense, thank you! I read it that op went without her child!

Crossed post, sorry @mynameisbrian

Yes thanks all!! I have been told now that op took her son 🤣 I definitely didn't read it that way in the op but assume that is what happened.

I don’t really understand threads like this.

If you feel a bit shit about something, how does coming on AIBU help you feel better?

Now, on top of feeling down about this issue - you’ve had a load of people telling you you’re being unreasonable about it. You don’t think you’re being unreasonable - and fair enough.

Just to be absolutely clear here I have no issue with dp going to the pub.

But it is relevant here because it meant he did not see ds for pretty much all of Wednesday.

He then did not really see ds for Thursday either. He was working. Not a problem but I do think it would have been nice to let me know this.

So when it came to tonight I do think whether he was sat in the garden considering the state of the wisteria or sat in the hot tub, both were a bit unreasonable.

I don’t understand posts like that either @LimeRedBanana which goes to show we all use MN differently.

Just because I don’t feel I’m unreasonable doesn’t mean I’m not listening to answers. It just means I ignore deliberately goady/provocative ones. Good tip for life.

@Wearefearless

What I’m saying is that I’ve had an eight month old on my own for nearly three whole days and I do think he would have come in to give me a break when he finished. Instead he went off on his own.

Yes. DS was with me when I visited my friend.