To be a bit put out with DP about this?

[Wearefearless]

So to give the full context here, we have an eight month old. DP has been WFH since the start of the pandemic, it isn’t set hours as such but he generally does 830-5.

On Wednesday I went to visit friends quite a long way away. Left the house at about 10am, back by 6. DP went to the pub at 7. I bathed DS and put him to bed. No problem, he doesn’t normally go to the pub so not an issue.

Yesterday he stayed at work (in the house) until gone 7. Ds had bath at 8, bed by 830.

Today 6 o clock came and went. Assumed DP was working late again until I went into the kitchen to put something in the bin and saw him out in the garden.

AIBU to be a bit hurt? He’s barely seen either of us for the past couple of days.

The hot tub drip feed is massively different, I'm surprised you can't see that. That means he's gone to the effort of getting changed and intended to be there for a significant time. Merely sitting in the garden he could have just needed 5 mins fresh air after being stuck in a room all day. Sounds like there are communication issues. You still don't know how long he'd been there. I'd have asked. Said 'oh how long have you been here, I've been waiting for you in the living room' then you have your answer and he knows you were waiting. Did he know previously that you were waiting though? If he couldn't see you then did he even know you were in? How big is your house that you didn't hear any movement when he got changed, hear him walking through the house, opening and closing doors, hot tub bubbles ? - hot tubs are bloody noisy! If you couldn't hear any of that it's not unlikely he couldn't hear you in the living room either.

I don’t know what sort of hot tubs everyone’s thinking of but none of that happened.

He just took his clothes off walked out, took the lid off and got in. It doesn’t have to involve a noisy ritual walking through the house. You can just get in it.

And as I’ve said I don’t think there’s a massive difference.

He could have been sat in the garden reading a magazine or looking through his phone or whatever … and he was sat in the garden, in the hot tub.

The point is that he still left me to it. But no biggie.

OP, I think you should have got the hot tub ready for him and poured him a beer so he could relax in it. The comments on this post are unbelievable!

It sounds like dp need to be more involved with the childcare and housework

I know OP seems a bit confused about why she feels upset but I think it comes down to the fact her DH didn't choose to acknowledge his family when he finished work.

imagine the person in a relationship with a very small child at home waiting for him then coming home from work, sneaking in through the side gate and slipping into the hot tub so they didn't know he was there.

I would feel pretty hurt and that he didn't want to spend time with me/us.

You didn't answer if he knew you were waiting for him. If he did he's an arse, if he didn't it's harder to say. Apologies for imagining you'd have to walk from the room of working to the garden, perhaps exiting through a door.

er what?

Fuck knows why people have to be so obtuse. Your a team you live together it's a partnership. He should have finished work and shouted to you. I am done and jumping in the hot tub simple. It was thoughtless not too but I think some peoples brains are just wires like this. They arent considerate of the other person they live with and dont always see the parenting as a joint effort. I wouldn't martyr yourself. Let him know it pissed you off and in future you would appreciate a heads up when he finishes work so he can help with DS. Dont let it fester or become a bigger issue than it needs to be. Just that was a bit inconsiderate after we haven't seen much of each other the last few days. You should always let the other person know how you feel otherwise it leads to resentment.

I think that’s thoughtless and selfish behaviour by him. I bet you’ve never been able to opt out from parenting for that long?! I’m not sure why the OP is getting such a hard time

@MrDirtyBear always good to get the male perspective

Sounds like he thinks his work is more important than being a SAHM and he's deserving of a break after his long hard day at work .

He seems very caught up in himself that you're not even in his thoughts ... or even an afterthought.

His reaction on you seeing him should tell you all you need to know .

Partners who appreciate the hard work that goes into looking after LOs all day would let you know they have finished work and be respectful enough of you to ask / tell you they were going to jump in the hot tub .

His behaviour was sneaky ... and this is just the behaviour you have seen ... his sneakiness is not just a one off ,this is probably part of a pattern . He looked coy because you got a glimpse of the real him .

He should have popped his head round the door to say he was done working. Even if he’d said ‘I’m knackered and just need an hour to myself in the garden’ - it would have been reasonable and polite, and a way for him to ensure you weren’t desperately in need of a break yourself.

I know this is AIBU where people act like having any expectation of empathy or decency from your spouse is absurd, but in the real, normal world it is not unreasonable to expect your husband to check in with you at the end of the working day and see how you and your baby are.

OP I think you're getting some weird responses here. I totally see your side of this.

To be honest, I'm struggling to understand/imagine a cohabitation situation where Person A just slinks off to do their own thing, especially when they know Person B is taking care of baby. Why doesnt husband WANT to see his baby, do bath/bedtime, have a play, or sit down and have dinner with his partner? I can't get my head around that? I'd be put out too. We pop in to see each other throughout the day, and if one of us has "plans" (him gaming usually, me having a bath or having a chat with a friend) we'd have a kiss and then we'd meet back up again later in the living room, even if just for 5 mins.

OP I can completely understand why you're feeling put out, and I think you can talk to him but be curious rather than accusatory. Maybe work is stressing him. Maybe you've said something that's upset him a few days earlier. Maybe he's just in his own world for a bit and needs reminding to be present. But definitely have a gentle but firm chat that this isn't the family life you want.