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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit put out with DP about this?

162 replies

Wearefearless · 06/08/2021 18:37

So to give the full context here, we have an eight month old. DP has been WFH since the start of the pandemic, it isn’t set hours as such but he generally does 830-5.

On Wednesday I went to visit friends quite a long way away. Left the house at about 10am, back by 6. DP went to the pub at 7. I bathed DS and put him to bed. No problem, he doesn’t normally go to the pub so not an issue.

Yesterday he stayed at work (in the house) until gone 7. Ds had bath at 8, bed by 830.

Today 6 o clock came and went. Assumed DP was working late again until I went into the kitchen to put something in the bin and saw him out in the garden.

AIBU to be a bit hurt? He’s barely seen either of us for the past couple of days.

OP posts:
user1493494961 · 06/08/2021 19:06

I think if I was your DH, I'd piss off out to the pub again.

godmum56 · 06/08/2021 19:07

@Hekatestorch

Totally depends. Sometimes, work gets so overloaded for me I need some time to myself.

Yes, I get it may not seem fair. Wfh is great, but often the drive home was time to decompress. I miss that.

Was he purposely trying to avoid you and ds or did he just go into the garden

This absolutely. late DH and I both had fairly high pressure roles at one stage and we had a "decompression agreement"
Original poster
Wearefearless · 06/08/2021 19:09

The hot tub is in the garden.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wearefearless · 06/08/2021 19:09

@user1493494961

I think if I was your DH, I'd piss off out to the pub again.
Why?

What have I done or said that warranted this? What a horrible comment.

OP posts:
Hekatestorch · 06/08/2021 19:13

@Wearefearless

The hot tub is in the garden.
So he wasn't just out in tbe garden, he went out got changed and was chilling in the hot tub?

I do think that's slightly different. It's not like he was sat in the garden for 15 mins to just relax.

There is a difference between relaxing I a hot tub and sat in the garden.

I have never used a hot tub in my life. But I assume its not something you just use for 5/10 minutes of relaxing?

But then you say you wouldn't have had an issue if he had said he was using it. But then you still wouldn't have got a break.

I am actually really confused

MiddleParking · 06/08/2021 19:13

Was he in the hot tub in the garden? If so that paints a bit of a different picture to the one in your OP.

MichelleScarn · 06/08/2021 19:13

@Wearefearless

What I’m saying is that I’ve had an eight month old on my own for nearly three whole days and I do think he would have come in to give me a break when he finished. Instead he went off on his own.
But day 1 you were with friends all day, he's not leaving you all on your own, he's working?
DontDrinkDontSmokeWhatDoIDo · 06/08/2021 19:16

I'm surprised at the responses you're getting, OP.

Your husband has finished work for the day.

You and his child are in the same house - normal behaviour would be: shut laptop, (go to loo etc etc ) - come fine family and say 'that's done for the day, hello wife, hello child, let's have a coffee : drink / relax'

Original poster
Wearefearless · 06/08/2021 19:16

The point is that on Wednesday I was out 10-6 (fine, not his fault, obviously Smile) and then he went to the pub in the evening. Not a problem at all, we all need to unwind a bit, but it did mean I literally had ds all day and night.

Then yesterday he didn’t see us at all either. I fully concede he was working. Not a problem but I do think it would have been nice if he’d told me this. Just a quick ‘sorry I’m working late, so busy at the moment.’

Today I thought he was working late again, and he wasn’t.

So as I’ve said I do feel a bit hollow, to be honest. Not sure if that makes sense. Maybe I’m overreacting.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wearefearless · 06/08/2021 19:17

I’m a bit surprised too @DontDrinkDontSmokeWhatDoIDo

And I wouldn’t have minded ‘arghh I just need half an hour, horrible day, do you mind if I go out to the hot tub.’

I can’t believe someone thinks he should go out to the pub again because I’m so awful. I’ve been more than accommodating I think.

OP posts:
DontDrinkDontSmokeWhatDoIDo · 06/08/2021 19:18

Mumsnet is so good , OP - it proves that people really DO live in parallel universes.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 06/08/2021 19:18

@Wearefearless

What I’m saying is that I’ve had an eight month old on my own for nearly three whole days and I do think he would have come in to give me a break when he finished. Instead he went off on his own.
So he has been work for three days whilst you’ve been free to see friends etc as no work so not sure why you are the one needing a break. He went to the garden after work, if DH moaned about me doing something after work so simple as going to my own garden without asking he would get the short thrift.
icedcoffees · 06/08/2021 19:18

I don't think either of you are wrong, you're just coming at this from two different angles.

He thinks he's been at work all day (even if that's in the bedroom) and should be able to take some time to relax before "coming home".

You think you've been stuck doing childcare all day and that he should come and give you a break ASAP.

I think an agreed "decompression" period would be good - 15-20 minutes for him to shower/grab a snack before he takes over and gives you the equivalent 15-20 minute break to do what you want to do.

SparrowNest · 06/08/2021 19:19

I don’t understand why you are getting so much grief. He’s been busy, either socially with work, for the past couple of days so you’ve been parenting solo from your child waking until bedtime, which isn’t your norm.

It’s reasonable to expect that on the third day, if your husband isn’t working late again he’d bother letting you know and come and chat/hold the baby for a bit/work out how you’re going to approach the evening as a team. As you say, even if he does just need some time alone to decompress he should let you know. There’s no reason you should just be the default one in charge of parenting at times nobody is doing paid work.

It’s not like your husband has done something seriously bad, but I’d have the same expectation of my husband and I really don’t think it makes me a harridan.

Hekatestorch · 06/08/2021 19:20

I asked earlier, but you didn't answer, but is he usuly good. Does he do plenty with you both at the weekend?

DontDrinkDontSmokeWhatDoIDo · 06/08/2021 19:20

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I don't think OP is insisting he asks permission.

It is odd - no doubt about it.

No different than him getting the train home, letting himself into the house, getting changed and into his hot tub without even saying 'hello / how's it going / how was your day' to his wife and child.

For all those who think this is normal - reassess your standards!!

SparrowNest · 06/08/2021 19:21

@MichelleScarn she might have seen people socially but she was still solely responsible for caring for their child.

My husband’s work involves client lunches and occasionally evening drinks, that’s still work.

Original poster
Wearefearless · 06/08/2021 19:22

That’s exactly what it is @DontDrinkDontSmokeWhatDoIDo but I wouldn’t bother responding to that post, it was deliberately provocative.

OP posts:
Feetupteashot · 06/08/2021 19:22

Maybe talk to him, explain you would like him to do bathtime?

Hekatestorch · 06/08/2021 19:22

For all those who think this is normal - reassess your standards!!

That doesn't even make sense when you read what most people have written.

Original poster
Wearefearless · 06/08/2021 19:23

And he often goes into the hot tub when ds and I are in bed so it’s not as if I never let him go in, or anything!

I’m just mildly bewildered and a little hurt. I shall get over it I am sure.

OP posts:
ajja2021 · 06/08/2021 19:24

I don't get it, what are you upset about? Do you have evenings together? Or could you join him in the garden

DontDrinkDontSmokeWhatDoIDo · 06/08/2021 19:24

@Hekatestorch

For all those who think this is normal - reassess your standards!!

That doesn't even make sense when you read what most people have written.

My comment was to those saying OP should get over herself.

She should not!

Original poster
Wearefearless · 06/08/2021 19:27

I’m sure there is a lot of stuff DP could do but it isn’t really about that.

He has not properly seen me, or his son, for nearly three days. When I say not properly I mean bar a whispered conversation last night and a brief chat this lunch time.

He finished work. He didn’t want to see us, he wanted to go in the hot tub on his own.

And I do think he knew he’d been a bit out of order as he looked a bit sheepish/guilty when I walked through.

OP posts:
SparrowNest · 06/08/2021 19:27

@Wearefearless

And he often goes into the hot tub when ds and I are in bed so it’s not as if I never let him go in, or anything!

I’m just mildly bewildered and a little hurt. I shall get over it I am sure.

Again, I find it totally inexplicable you’re being attacked and I’d also expect my husband to:
  • actually want to spend a little time with me after a few days largely apart
  • not to just assume that I’m still default child career after he’s finished work, and to approach it as if we’re a team
  • to let me know if he needs some alone time to clear his head (e.g. sometimes he goes for a long run after working late but he always pops his head in and checks I’m ok with it)