Page 9 | Ex not seeing DC due to new baby

chickendinnertonight · 2021-08-05T15:29:41+00:00

My ex's partner is being induced next week. They've been told baby will be in neo natal for a 3-4 weeks as being born 7 weeks early, so will need to be monitored before being allowed to go home. Ex has text me and has cancelled all contact with our DC for the 2, possibly 3 weeks after baby is born. DC doesn't go more than 5 days without seeing ex usually. I fully appreciate it's going to be a difficult time with his partner and baby being in hospital for a few weeks, but AIBU in thinking there's no reason he has to cancel absolutely all contact for the 2/3 weeks after the baby is born? I haven't replied to my ex yet.

Manabanaba · 05/08/2021 21:01

@HurryUpAndWait23

What my 6 year won't understand is why his Dad will continue to see his other DC and step child, but not him.

No. That's what you don't understand.

A 6 year old will follow your lead with the information you give him.
Such as

"Daddy isn't coming this week because the new baby has been born, you have a new brother/sister!! How exciting! But for now the baby isn't very well and is in hospital so for the baby to get better, daddy needs to stay there for a while. But don't worry, daddy can FaceTime you and show you your new sister/brother! "

Job done.

Reassurance and positivity is all it needs.

Absolutely all of this.

pollylocketpickedapocket · 05/08/2021 21:03

@ActonSquirrel

Really? You wouldn't spend every day with a premature baby if it was you?

Well it’s not possible is it? When you’ve other children.

Boysnme · 05/08/2021 21:04

@ActonSquirrel

Really? You wouldn't spend every day with a premature baby if it was you?

If it was a second child that was premature you wouldn’t be able to spend all day with it as you’d have another child at home to look after. This shouldn’t be any different.

Original poster

chickendinnertonight · 05/08/2021 21:05

Of course the timing can't be helped, it's just unfortunate for my DC that they won't be seeing Daddy for 3 weeks, then it will only be 2 weeks after that that my ex goes on holiday.

Yes I completely sympathise with them for having a prem baby, I just don't see why he can't even take DC out for dinner once within those weeks, when he will be seeing his other DC (they're not isolating neither is his partners mum for the person who asked).

Yes I now have to use up a fair bit of annual leave to cover these days, as rather than asking his retired parents to have DC (who are more than willing and my DC love), he has simply said tough I will just have to have them. But I won't say anything about that to my ex.

I just feel very sorry for my DC who at 6 will not fully understand (despite some people saying he will!).

OP posts:

nocturnalcatfreetogoodhome · 05/08/2021 21:07

@chickendinnertonight

Of course the timing can't be helped, it's just unfortunate for my DC that they won't be seeing Daddy for 3 weeks, then it will only be 2 weeks after that that my ex goes on holiday.

Yes I completely sympathise with them for having a prem baby, I just don't see why he can't even take DC out for dinner once within those weeks, when he will be seeing his other DC (they're not isolating neither is his partners mum for the person who asked).

Yes I now have to use up a fair bit of annual leave to cover these days, as rather than asking his retired parents to have DC (who are more than willing and my DC love), he has simply said tough I will just have to have them. But I won't say anything about that to my ex.

I just feel very sorry for my DC who at 6 will not fully understand (despite some people saying he will!).

Can you ask his parents directly, OP?

Tell him you don't have the leave and he will have to arrange something.

Has he agreed to any contact at all?

Notimeforaname · 05/08/2021 21:09

I hear you op. As I said it seems bizarre he'd just decide there will be definitely no time for contact with just one child
Rather than just saying we'll see how it goes I'll do my best etc.

saraclara · 05/08/2021 21:11

As another poster said, there is absolutely no reason for your DC to know that their dad is seeing the other DC. Why on earth would you tell him? The only possible reason is to make him upset or to get back at your ex.

If he asks, you tell him, truthfully, that the other child is being looked after by his grandma.

nocturnalcatfreetogoodhome · 05/08/2021 21:15

@saraclara

As another poster said, there is absolutely no reason for your DC to know that their dad is seeing the other DC. Why on earth would you tell him? The only possible reason is to make him upset or to get back at your ex.

If he asks, you tell him, truthfully, that the other child is being looked after by his grandma.

And when he goes round and meets the baby and finds out they've met it ages ago?

Of course she won't tell him, but he's six, he's not stupid! He's going to go around and hear from his step-siblings that they've done X, Y and Z with the baby. That they met the baby in hospital or that they collected baby from hospital or that they would go and pick Daddy up with Granddad when Mummy and baby were in hospital.

The question isn't the OP's protection of her son's feelings. It's her ex's disregard for them. He's completely rescinded contact with his son for almost a month in favour of the other children, not just the premature baby.

Jj397 · 05/08/2021 21:16

My darling husband left me the day after I had a still birth at 29 weeks to see his children on a Sunday as he always did.
Was I happy no..
Was it right
Yes.
His children are important x

Original poster

chickendinnertonight · 05/08/2021 21:18

@saraclara Of course I won't be telling my DC that his step/half siblings will be meeting the new baby long before he does. But they definitely will!!

OP posts:

sofiegiraffe · 05/08/2021 21:19

I just feel very sorry for my DC who at 6 will not fully understand (despite some people saying he will!).

It depends how you phrase it with him. I was sometimes in the situation of having to explain to my young dd (similar age at the time) why her dad couldn't see her for a week or so. It was fine. I phrased it positively as per @HurryUpAndWait23 'S suggestion - "you're going to have a fun weekend with mummy instead and we are going to do x, y... etc, and daddy will see you as soon as he can.". You don't let them see your own annoyance and frustration, and if they express sadness about the situation you comfort them and reassure them. I had to do it a few times. It was fine. My dd was fine.

sofiegiraffe · 05/08/2021 21:19

First paragraph bold fail!

JamieLeeBee · 05/08/2021 21:20

@chickendinnertonight

Sorry I should have been clearer - he is sharing the care of his other DC with his partners Mum. They will be with her the majority of the time but will still have them occasionally during those weeks. Which is why I'm confused as to why he won't have our DC.

I'm a bit confused. Are your children biologically his, because then I'm confused as to how an ex is pregnant?

sofiegiraffe · 05/08/2021 21:20

My darling husband left me the day after I had a still birth at 29 weeks to see his children on a Sunday as he always did.

What?!

Original poster

chickendinnertonight · 05/08/2021 21:21

@nocturnalcatfreetogoodhome My ex won't 'allow' me to text his parents!

No he's not agreed to any contact at all.

OP posts:

JamieLeeBee · 05/08/2021 21:22

Oh wait sorry no... Its your EX. So of course he can do as he wishes. And if it had been one of your kids I'm sure you would have been well ticked off if he didn't see them as much as possible after being born 🙄

sleepyhoglet · 05/08/2021 21:23

2 weeks is his paternity leave and his baby will be in hospital. Cut him some slack!

Original poster

chickendinnertonight · 05/08/2021 21:25

@sleepyhoglet I've had further texts since I first posted, it's 3 weeks of no contact, and then he'll 'play it by ear' beyond that.

OP posts:

Chickpea1434 · 05/08/2021 21:25

My darling husband left me the day after I had a still birth at 29 weeks to see his children on a Sunday as he always did

I think that's taking the piss to be honest. I'm so sorry for your loss and for the fact you had to be alone at such a heartbreaking time.

My OH left me in labour to go and see DSC, at my insistence, but with hindsight it was the wrong thing to do. I really needed him there but was too worried about DSC being let down just the once. I was 8cm by the time he got home and got me to the hospital.

Not good.

sofiegiraffe · 05/08/2021 21:28

@Chickpea1434

My darling husband left me the day after I had a still birth at 29 weeks to see his children on a Sunday as he always did

I think that's taking the piss to be honest. I'm so sorry for your loss and for the fact you had to be alone at such a heartbreaking time.

My OH left me in labour to go and see DSC, at my insistence, but with hindsight it was the wrong thing to do. I really needed him there but was too worried about DSC being let down just the once. I was 8cm by the time he got home and got me to the hospital.

Not good.

My god I can't believe these stories, it's actually breaking my heart. DH was by my side throughout my labour and in the first week or so after our baby's birth as I was poorly and needed a lot of help. No way would he have left me after a still birth nor whilst in labour. There are certain situations in which a woman and a new baby should be rightly prioritised IMO. It's not forever, just a short amount of time. Thankfully DH's eldest two kids and his ex understood that!

nocturnalcatfreetogoodhome · 05/08/2021 21:28

[quote chickendinnertonight]@nocturnalcatfreetogoodhome My ex won't 'allow' me to text his parents!

No he's not agreed to any contact at all. [/quote]
Text them regardless. What's he going to do? Collect his son instead?

HurryUpAndWait23 · 05/08/2021 21:33

it's 3 weeks of no contact

So no calls or FaceTime?

Youseethethingis · 05/08/2021 21:37

My darling husband left me the day after I had a still birth at 29 weeks to see his children on a Sunday as he always did.
Was I happy no..
Was it right
Yes.
His children are important x

All wrong. You and your baby should have been the priority at that time. No question. All children have to learn that some times others needs are more pressing eventually.
I also had a stillbirth and if DH had left me and DS to go to DSD at that time I would have divorced him.
Not that such a thing would have crossed his mind.

MissTrip82 · 05/08/2021 21:38

@ActonSquirrel

Really? You wouldn't spend every day with a premature baby if it was you?

Many people don’t. Usually because they have other children. As this man does.

Anoisagusaris · 05/08/2021 21:40

@chickendinnertonight

Of course the timing can't be helped, it's just unfortunate for my DC that they won't be seeing Daddy for 3 weeks, then it will only be 2 weeks after that that my ex goes on holiday.

Yes I completely sympathise with them for having a prem baby, I just don't see why he can't even take DC out for dinner once within those weeks, when he will be seeing his other DC (they're not isolating neither is his partners mum for the person who asked).

Yes I now have to use up a fair bit of annual leave to cover these days, as rather than asking his retired parents to have DC (who are more than willing and my DC love), he has simply said tough I will just have to have them. But I won't say anything about that to my ex.

I just feel very sorry for my DC who at 6 will not fully understand (despite some people saying he will!).

How is your ex going on holidays 5 weeks after baby is born if baby is going to be in neo-natal for so long?