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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex not seeing DC due to new baby

306 replies

chickendinnertonight · 05/08/2021 16:29

My ex's partner is being induced next week. They've been told baby will be in neo natal for a 3-4 weeks as being born 7 weeks early, so will need to be monitored before being allowed to go home. Ex has text me and has cancelled all contact with our DC for the 2, possibly 3 weeks after baby is born. DC doesn't go more than 5 days without seeing ex usually.

I fully appreciate it's going to be a difficult time with his partner and baby being in hospital for a few weeks, but AIBU in thinking there's no reason he has to cancel absolutely all contact for the 2/3 weeks after the baby is born? I haven't replied to my ex yet.

OP posts:
FortniteBoysMum · 05/08/2021 23:34

Normally I would be fuming at this but given the current situation surrounding us all I can understand. He will have a premature baby in neonatal care. A baby prone to infections and therefore to covid too. It's possible his minimising contact with anyone because if he picks up anything he will have to isolate and not see his new born baby. His partner is going to need all his support especially if this is her first.

CorianderBee · 05/08/2021 23:39

Sounds fair enough to me. 3 weeks of your child's time so he can't see his new baby in neonatal care without risking their death?

CorianderBee · 05/08/2021 23:39

Covid is a risk to young babies remember

LolaSmiles · 05/08/2021 23:40

Flomoon
The holiday is a separate issue, and one i would agree with you on. There's clearly a lot of history between the OP and her ex and he sounds like he's not always been proactive.

Ultimately there's a woman who is probably very scared right now and two parents facing the prospect of their child being in hospital. Her and the new baby have to be a priority. There is no ideal way to manage this situation and none of us know enough about the wider family childcare arrangements (for example it might be that the grandparents and other children are limiting contact during that time, we don't know).

Maybe this thread has hit a nerve with me as I know people who've had babies in neonatal during covid and have seen how hard it's been for them.

timeisnotaline · 05/08/2021 23:43

Phone him, put him on video and say I’ll need you to explain to dc what’s going on, here he is?

Then in a few weeks say that was all my spareannual leave, you will need to find and pay for childcare for any other changes you want to make, I can’t cover them.

Willyoujustbequiet · 06/08/2021 00:28

He's being ridiculous. You cant just opt out of patenting.

Hes being a crap father and I would be telling him as much.

Volhhg · 06/08/2021 00:52

@HurryUpAndWait23

What my 6 year won't understand is why his Dad will continue to see his other DC and step child, but not him.

No. That's what you don't understand.

A 6 year old will follow your lead with the information you give him.
Such as

"Daddy isn't coming this week because the new baby has been born, you have a new brother/sister!! How exciting! But for now the baby isn't very well and is in hospital so for the baby to get better, daddy needs to stay there for a while. But don't worry, daddy can FaceTime you and show you your new sister/brother! "

Job done.

Reassurance and positivity is all it needs.

No when his son finally goes to his father's house he will find out from his siblings that their father still maintained contact so it not really in the ops control to cover this up. Kids talk and often pick up on these things, they remember a lot even at a young age. Very hard to cover this up
Volhhg · 06/08/2021 01:05

@saraclara

As another poster said, there is absolutely no reason for your DC to know that their dad is seeing the other DC. Why on earth would you tell him? The only possible reason is to make him upset or to get back at your ex.

If he asks, you tell him, truthfully, that the other child is being looked after by his grandma.

Because he will find out from his sibling and step siblings. Very hard to keep a lie going like this with children. They will notice and it will come out in some way
elliejjtiny · 06/08/2021 02:15

I'm on the fence about this. I've had 2 premature babies and they were times when I needed dh there. But we had older dc as well so dh had to go home and look after them and I had to manage without him, once when I was in hdu with sepsis and the other time when I was on the ward and regularly crying with the pain of having to walk to and from nicu with bottles of expressed milk every 4 hours, sterilizing, expressing and then getting 1 hour sleep before I had to start all over again. At 33 weeks many babies are on ventilators and suffer with long term complications. It's not just about getting them to put on a bit of weight.

Having said that when your ex is an absolute arse then I totally understand why you might not be too keen to make sacrifices to help him out, especially when it also impacts your ds.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/08/2021 06:06

I would contact his parents. He is expecting you to take annual leave to cover his contact days. He should be arranging or asking you to arrange and paying for holiday childcare or asking his parents to cover.

Chickpea1434 · 06/08/2021 07:21

Because he will find out from his sibling and step siblings (that they have been seeing their dad / baby)

But they won't will they?

I can't see the other siblings making a beeline for the OP's DS to tell him how much time they've spent with dad/baby over the past X amount of weeks. That's not how children think.

There is only an issue if you make it into one.

Strictly1 · 06/08/2021 07:47

YABU
He may be a prat but now is not the time to point score. I'd reply with an understanding text and how if circumstances allow he will hopefully be able to see/FaceTime at some point. I would treat him as I would want to be treated - being a role model for my child. I would not want to be accused of being uncaring/cruel etc to prove a point.

Boysnme · 06/08/2021 07:55

I think this is a tricky one OP, I’ve been in hospital with an 8 week premature baby and it’s the most terrifying thing ever.

That’s said, I also had a 2 year old at home that we still had to look after. We were very fortunate that we had PIL near by who were able to help out with our older DC in the initial few days when we didn’t know what was going on but the bulk of the care for my older DC fell on my DH, as his dad. That meant that I often spent hours alone in neo-natal but my older child still needed looked after. We didn’t have the option to just check out of life and focus on our baby.

I’ll also to this day never forget one of the nurses when I was having an emotional day. She told me to go home and spend time with my older DC. She said he will remember me not being there but the baby won’t. And the baby was being well looked after. So I did go home and picked my child up from nursery and spent time with him because he needed us as much as the baby. Although years later he doesn’t remember it, but he was 2 not 6!

So I also think your Ex is being an ass to not even attempt to see his DC. Even if he was to say I can’t plan proper times just now but I will see him at some point or FaceTime him.

Unfortunately though it sounds like you are going to have to pick up the pieces for this one and help your son understand it’s because the baby is poorly and not because he doesn’t want to see him.

maddening · 06/08/2021 08:17

If he is fully isolating so he can see his premature baby in hospital that is fair enough imo, it is a pandemic. Planning in facetime would be a must though.

If he is going to be otherwise socialising etc.then there is no excuse to not see his ds

pootleforPM · 06/08/2021 08:24

I'm really unclear as to where his other child and his wife's children will be - at his home or staying with grandparents? I presume any contact he has with them won't need to be prearranged and he can just dip in and out as he feels able with the support of grandparents.

If your relationship is difficult perhaps he feels its easier to make no promises rather than to arrange to see your DC and then have to cancel if things are not going well and deal with telling you / an argument/ making other arrangements at a time when things are very fraught and he might need to be supporting his wife.

There has also ben a lot of people mentioning that the other DC will be going to visit the baby and yours will be missing out....has he actually told you that or are you / other posters just assuming that's the case?

Personally I don't think 2-3 weeks is a big deal if you handle it correctly and others with more knowledge than me have said several times there could be more going on than they are talking you about why the baby is being delivered so early. It sounds like there is a lot of uncertainty and he's trying to plan for worst case scenario - I can guarantee you he's not thinking about your annual leave allowance with a very preemie baby about to arrive. I do think he should be planning to facetime though.

nocturnalcatfreetogoodhome · 06/08/2021 08:28

@LolaSmiles

saraclara You're right. Could you imagine: I'm approaching 33 weeks pregnant and for a range of complications my baby is being induced early. I know my baby is going to be in neonatal and I'm terrified. It's going to be stressful so I've made arrangements with my parents to do the bulk of childcare for my DC because I know DP and I are going to be stressed and have a poorly newborn. We don't know how long they're going to be in hospital for. DP has cancelled weekend contact with his kids for the first 2 weeks after the birth, possibly the 3rd week, but his ex is saying he's out of order and the people of mumsnet have decided he is a crap father. AIBU to think it's a stressful time and we need to have a bit of space after the baby gets here before we start making plans
You would have a flood of people saying the same thing.

Because a little boy is being completely dropped by his dad for three weeks. We’d learn through drip feed he also doesn’t intend to contact him at all, he has left his mother high and dry with childcare and refuses to intervene and that your children would be staying at the family home.

It is a cunty thing to do and not a consistent approach with all the children in the household. So penis or vagina it’s still unreasonable!

WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 06/08/2021 08:48

He is a terrible father. I feel sorry for your DC.
I imagine you would not feel so bad if he was acting like a normal person and contacted you saying what a hard time this would be and is there anyway you could pull up the slack for him. While also acknowledging how hard adjusting to a new sibling will be for you DC and suggesting some 1-1 time when the dust settles. Or if he decided to cancel his holiday and take the older ones camping for example.
But he shows no consideration for his DC at all and this will continue to get worse.

sofiegiraffe · 06/08/2021 09:05

@LolaSmiles

saraclara You're right. Could you imagine: I'm approaching 33 weeks pregnant and for a range of complications my baby is being induced early. I know my baby is going to be in neonatal and I'm terrified. It's going to be stressful so I've made arrangements with my parents to do the bulk of childcare for my DC because I know DP and I are going to be stressed and have a poorly newborn. We don't know how long they're going to be in hospital for. DP has cancelled weekend contact with his kids for the first 2 weeks after the birth, possibly the 3rd week, but his ex is saying he's out of order and the people of mumsnet have decided he is a crap father. AIBU to think it's a stressful time and we need to have a bit of space after the baby gets here before we start making plans

It would be pretty unanimous i imagine!

sofiegiraffe · 06/08/2021 09:07

@saraclara

I don't think it's a low bar to suggest that two people having their baby brought into the world early, having a neonatal stay all as a result of complications for mum, baby or both might need to play life by ear in the aftermath of such a stressful situation.

Yes. If any woman on this thread was in the position of being about to have a baby at 33 weeks, I'm damn sure they'd want to be the priority, and would hope that those around them would allow some flexibility around what would normally be scheduled arrangements. It's two or three weeks FFS. I think that's perfectly reasonable given the circumstances.

Agreed. The inflexibility astounds me sometimes. Must never upset the status quo for the older children, regardless of the seriousness of the situation. Baffles me.

sofiegiraffe · 06/08/2021 09:10

I can also imagine if the older child became unwell and was admitted to hospital for treatment and Dad needed to focus all his time and energy on that child for a while and not see his younger baby temporarily, posters would be saying that's the right thing to do, that child is poorly and needs Dad's time temporarily etc. It's a one off situation ffs - the baby is clearly not going to be very well.

Original poster
chickendinnertonight · 06/08/2021 09:16

@sofiegiraffe But it's ok for my ex to leave his new baby to go on holiday the following month?

OP posts:
sofiegiraffe · 06/08/2021 09:18

[quote chickendinnertonight]@sofiegiraffe But it's ok for my ex to leave his new baby to go on holiday the following month? [/quote]

I have no doubt he will change his mind on this. Ridiculous plan

Heronwatcher · 06/08/2021 09:18

It’s 2-3 weeks. That’s not long. Agree that the dad should FaceTime etc but this is not the time to be laying into him for being a crap dad. It’s not in anyone’s interests, least of all your son’s. Quite apart from anything else hospitals want as few people to be in contact with neonates as possible, especially going into autumn- that is literally a matter of life and death.

LolaSmiles · 06/08/2021 09:23

But it's ok for my ex to leave his new baby to go on holiday the following month?
It's a separate issue to his partner about to have a premature labour and their newborn being in neonatal though.

It sounds like he's been poorly organised and flaky over the years, and the holiday plan is ridiculously unreasonable. For me when a woman is about to have their baby brought early and there's a baby in neonatal then however rubbish the ex has been in the past, there's a poorly newborn to prioritise.

Your ex needs to maintain contact in some form for the 2 weeks, even if it's video calls for the first week and then it's reviewed into the second week depending on how baby is doing.

sofiegiraffe · 06/08/2021 09:27

@Heronwatcher

It’s 2-3 weeks. That’s not long. Agree that the dad should FaceTime etc but this is not the time to be laying into him for being a crap dad. It’s not in anyone’s interests, least of all your son’s. Quite apart from anything else hospitals want as few people to be in contact with neonates as possible, especially going into autumn- that is literally a matter of life and death.

Exactly! This is absolutely a life or death situation potentially for that tiny baby! Very clearly a one off serious situation. I'd not be questioning this at all - I'd be saying take the time you need and I hope your little one is Ok. Meanwhile I'd be making sure my other child knew that daddy very much loves and cares about them but there is a very sick brother or sister to take care of for them time being, who to they can meet soon, and won't that be exciting etc etc. There are ways of managing this situation so the other child is OK, whilst giving the new parents the space and time (both practically and emotionally) to deal with the seriousness of such an early baby.