Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex not seeing DC due to new baby

306 replies

chickendinnertonight · 05/08/2021 16:29

My ex's partner is being induced next week. They've been told baby will be in neo natal for a 3-4 weeks as being born 7 weeks early, so will need to be monitored before being allowed to go home. Ex has text me and has cancelled all contact with our DC for the 2, possibly 3 weeks after baby is born. DC doesn't go more than 5 days without seeing ex usually.

I fully appreciate it's going to be a difficult time with his partner and baby being in hospital for a few weeks, but AIBU in thinking there's no reason he has to cancel absolutely all contact for the 2/3 weeks after the baby is born? I haven't replied to my ex yet.

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 05/08/2021 21:40

Absolutely this. Until the Preemie is home and healthy, they'd take precedence In my eyes.

However ex needs to make time to at least video call dc to keep some consistency and presence - ask him to keep Dc updated on their brother or sister, send pictures etc I'm sure the excitement is rife!

I agree with you. He might be disorganised as a dad and have been flaky on other occasions, but right now this isn't about what he's done in the past. A woman is having a complicated enough pregnancy that her baby is being forcibly brought into the world early. The newborn will have to stay in neonatal for a period of time. The situation is serious enough that the woman's children will be primarily cared for by extended family.

OP's ex needs to maintain contact with his children in some way, but how the children respond to this situations will largely be based on the attitudes they pick up from their parents. If mum and dad say "your new sibling isn't very well so daddy has to spend time at the hospital and limit who he sees, won't it be exciting to all meet up soon' then the children will accept that. If mum says 'oh I don't know why your dad isn't seeing you, he's got a new baby now and hasn't made plans for you' then that's what they'll take.

Original poster
chickendinnertonight · 05/08/2021 21:43

@Anoisagusaris I've no idea!

OP posts:
definitelysurethatimnotsure · 05/08/2021 21:45

@30degreesandmeltinghere

Surely from a Covid point of view alone he is definitely doing the right thing... Get the dc to draw pics and cards etc for their new sibling ..
Yes I agree whilst it’s not the ideal situation he could make time to FaceTime your dc , call, send some gifts from the new baby etc etc
sofiegiraffe · 05/08/2021 21:49

@Youseethethingis

*My darling husband left me the day after I had a still birth at 29 weeks to see his children on a Sunday as he always did. Was I happy no.. Was it right Yes. His children are important x*

All wrong. You and your baby should have been the priority at that time. No question. All children have to learn that some times others needs are more pressing eventually.
I also had a stillbirth and if DH had left me and DS to go to DSD at that time I would have divorced him.
Not that such a thing would have crossed his mind.

100% agree. Utter madness.

Original poster
chickendinnertonight · 05/08/2021 21:50

I would never tell my DC that Daddy isn't seeing him because he loves the new baby more, or anything remotely vile like that. I will do exactly what I did when my ex had a prem baby a few years back (my DC's half sibling), and explain in an age appropriate way how the baby needs extra help from the doctors etc.

In fact, last time this happened I bought DC's new baby sibling a teddy from me and DC, and my ex threw it away as he said it had come from me rather than our child!

OP posts:
Passanotherjaffacake · 05/08/2021 21:52

Can you take unpaid leave from work and charge your ex for your time off work at your normal daily rate? Not sure if your work would be flexible enough for this (mine would but I am lucky).

Good luck OP. I really feel for you.

sofiegiraffe · 05/08/2021 21:57

OP's ex needs to maintain contact with his children in some way, but how the children respond to this situations will largely be based on the attitudes they pick up from their parents. If mum and dad say "your new sibling isn't very well so daddy has to spend time at the hospital and limit who he sees, won't it be exciting to all meet up soon' then the children will accept that. If mum says 'oh I don't know why your dad isn't seeing you, he's got a new baby now and hasn't made plans for you' then that's what they'll take.

Exactly.

fan90 · 05/08/2021 22:14

Oh give over. It looks like Dad is worried and wants to focus on the new baby for the first couple of weeks while his other children are safe with their mother.

He wants this time because the baby is premature, not because he's out with his mates drinking. Explain that Daddy's worried about the baby being poorly but in x number of days you'll get to see him AND the new baby.

TidyOmlette · 05/08/2021 22:22

If your ex is not planning any contact with your DS its unacceptable. Granted it will be a horrible and terrifying time for them but even a FaceTime will do. I get he might not want face to face contact for infection control but that doesn’t stop a phone call when he gets 10 mins.

SemperIdem · 05/08/2021 22:36

Really not understanding why he can’t call/FaceTime his 6 year old whilst prioritising his new baby. The “play it by ear” thereafter comment is particularly poor.

Flomoon · 05/08/2021 22:46

@fan90

Oh give over. It looks like Dad is worried and wants to focus on the new baby for the first couple of weeks while his other children are safe with their mother.

He wants this time because the baby is premature, not because he's out with his mates drinking. Explain that Daddy's worried about the baby being poorly but in x number of days you'll get to see him AND the new baby.

Why can't the dad phone and explain that to his son?

The play it by ear comment is sad too :( the bar for men is very fucking low, fair play to you OP, you sound like a wonderful mum who despite the messing about has your DS' best interests at the forefront. I'd also be annoyed BTW.

myrtleWilson · 05/08/2021 22:47

The infection control argument falls pretty flat though if the ex's other children are staying with new partners mom & not isolating & the ex will be seeing them....

aSofaNearYou · 05/08/2021 22:50

@Jj397

My darling husband left me the day after I had a still birth at 29 weeks to see his children on a Sunday as he always did. Was I happy no.. Was it right Yes. His children are important x
God that's absolutely horrendous.
cadburyegg · 05/08/2021 23:03

You’re not unreasonable OP. I don’t understand why your ex can’t make the time to see his child(children?) over the 3 week period. If he was asking to cancel one overnight visit and you were annoyed I think that would be unreasonable but to not have any contact with them for 3 weeks?? That’s a long time for a kid. Surely he can make time to come and see them for an afternoon. He isn’t going to be in NICU every second of the day.

The fact you’re having to take annual leave to cover doesn’t help either. He needs to be open to a discussion or compromise about this. It shouldn’t all fall on to you. Again, this is not just a one off contact he’s cancelling is it?

LolaSmiles · 05/08/2021 23:07

The play it by ear comment is sad toothe bar for men is very fucking low
I don't think it's a low bar to suggest that two people having their baby brought into the world early, having a neonatal stay all as a result of complications for mum, baby or both might need to play life by ear in the aftermath of such a stressful situation.

Nobody knows what's going to happen following the birth. It's better that a discussion is had in advance to be prepared.

BlackeyedSusan · 05/08/2021 23:11

Asking if he can pop in for a bit would be good somewhere in the middle. Or a quick trip to MacDonald's

Flomoon · 05/08/2021 23:11

@LolaSmiles

The play it by ear comment is sad toothe bar for men is very fucking low I don't think it's a low bar to suggest that two people having their baby brought into the world early, having a neonatal stay all as a result of complications for mum, baby or both might need to play life by ear in the aftermath of such a stressful situation.

Nobody knows what's going to happen following the birth. It's better that a discussion is had in advance to be prepared.

He hasn't had a discussion really, he's text his sons mother rather than speak to him. He's just washed his hands of him for a while, of course there will be an element of play it by ear, but he's already laid his cards out so he can just decide when to bother with his son again, sad.
LittleOwl153 · 05/08/2021 23:12

I think I would text back saying that ds will find 3 weeks of no contact very hard and that he needs to at least make the effort to facetime or something each week.

I would also say it would be useful for ds to still see his grandparents so he is not completely cut off so would he arrange that (you're happy to drop off) or would he like you to.

You could maybe also add that you have had to book ds into holiday club to cover his days at a cost of £X - you may or may not wish to push for him to cover that cost.

LolaSmiles · 05/08/2021 23:15

Flomoon
He's text to cancel his usual contact for 2 possibly 3 weeks due to his partner having pregnancy complicated and a premature baby being in neonatal.
The OP hasn't replied yet so no discussion has happened about what might happen in its place.

Heaven forbid a poorly newborn was a priority when it's in hospital.

saraclara · 05/08/2021 23:16

I don't think it's a low bar to suggest that two people having their baby brought into the world early, having a neonatal stay all as a result of complications for mum, baby or both might need to play life by ear in the aftermath of such a stressful situation.

Yes. If any woman on this thread was in the position of being about to have a baby at 33 weeks, I'm damn sure they'd want to be the priority, and would hope that those around them would allow some flexibility around what would normally be scheduled arrangements. It's two or three weeks FFS. I think that's perfectly reasonable given the circumstances.

Herja · 05/08/2021 23:17

So he's too busy and stressed to see DS due to the new baby, but he's going to go on a lads holiday 2 weeks after this? If I've understood this right, then yeah, I'd be pissed off too.

I could certainly understand him seeing none of his children but the prem newborn. I could understand him seeing his own and new partners DC at home, morning and bedtimes only. But to choose to see some of the DC, but not others, while none of them are living with him at the time (staying at grandma's house instead for the duration) is shit. If he does indeed not bother with video calls etc, then he's even shitter. Going on a mates holiday immediately after that is just shocking. He may be in a difficult, upsetting and stressful situation, but he's also being a massive cock about it all too.

Hankunamatata · 05/08/2021 23:21

I would text him and say you know he is really stressed but could he spare a couple of hours twice a week to see dc as he will miss him so much. Offer to take dc near to hospital, meet at a cafe or something for them to hang out.

LolaSmiles · 05/08/2021 23:24

saraclara
You're right.
Could you imagine:
I'm approaching 33 weeks pregnant and for a range of complications my baby is being induced early. I know my baby is going to be in neonatal and I'm terrified. It's going to be stressful so I've made arrangements with my parents to do the bulk of childcare for my DC because I know DP and I are going to be stressed and have a poorly newborn. We don't know how long they're going to be in hospital for. DP has cancelled weekend contact with his kids for the first 2 weeks after the birth, possibly the 3rd week, but his ex is saying he's out of order and the people of mumsnet have decided he is a crap father. AIBU to think it's a stressful time and we need to have a bit of space after the baby gets here before we start making plans

Flomoon · 05/08/2021 23:25

@LolaSmiles

Flomoon He's text to cancel his usual contact for 2 possibly 3 weeks due to his partner having pregnancy complicated and a premature baby being in neonatal. The OP hasn't replied yet so no discussion has happened about what might happen in its place.

Heaven forbid a poorly newborn was a priority when it's in hospital.

He can make time for his other children, he's not exactly been forthcoming with but would love to facetime when I can, meet for an hour at somepoint or whatever. Yes of course the poorly baby will rightly be the priority, but that doesn't mean you just rod everything else off (unless you're a bloke) and Swan off on holiday not long after.
messybun101 · 05/08/2021 23:27

@LittleOwl153

I think I would text back saying that ds will find 3 weeks of no contact very hard and that he needs to at least make the effort to facetime or something each week.

I would also say it would be useful for ds to still see his grandparents so he is not completely cut off so would he arrange that (you're happy to drop off) or would he like you to.

You could maybe also add that you have had to book ds into holiday club to cover his days at a cost of £X - you may or may not wish to push for him to cover that cost.

This