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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex not seeing DC due to new baby

306 replies

chickendinnertonight · 05/08/2021 16:29

My ex's partner is being induced next week. They've been told baby will be in neo natal for a 3-4 weeks as being born 7 weeks early, so will need to be monitored before being allowed to go home. Ex has text me and has cancelled all contact with our DC for the 2, possibly 3 weeks after baby is born. DC doesn't go more than 5 days without seeing ex usually.

I fully appreciate it's going to be a difficult time with his partner and baby being in hospital for a few weeks, but AIBU in thinking there's no reason he has to cancel absolutely all contact for the 2/3 weeks after the baby is born? I haven't replied to my ex yet.

OP posts:
HurryUpAndWait23 · 05/08/2021 20:23

If the baby is larger than average at 33 weeks they may only be in hospital a few days, they often discharge them at 5lb so if they respond well may not need NICU very long.

It's not the weight they go by, but their wellness, development and how dependant they are on medication, oxygen and more.

It's very dependant on the baby and little to do with hitting a 5lb mark.

BungleandGeorge · 05/08/2021 20:24

@ivykaty44

If the baby is larger than average at 33 weeks they may only be in hospital a few days, they often discharge them at 5lb so if they respond well may not need NICU very long.

surely regardless of size the babies lungs will not be fully developed and therefore will need to be kept in hospital?

Some 33 week babies have absolutely no problems with their lungs, at that gestation some survived even before there were no NICUs. Not unusual to go home at 35 weeks. The ones born earlier generally have more complications and often have to stay to the equivalent of a higher gestation
HurryUpAndWait23 · 05/08/2021 20:29

What my 6 year won't understand is why his Dad will continue to see his other DC and step child, but not him.

No. That's what you don't understand.

A 6 year old will follow your lead with the information you give him.
Such as

"Daddy isn't coming this week because the new baby has been born, you have a new brother/sister!! How exciting! But for now the baby isn't very well and is in hospital so for the baby to get better, daddy needs to stay there for a while. But don't worry, daddy can FaceTime you and show you your new sister/brother! "

Job done.

Reassurance and positivity is all it needs.

BungleandGeorge · 05/08/2021 20:30

Whilst due date is 40 weeks, full term is 37 weeks. Dating scans aren’t totally accurate either. It depends why she’s being induced at 33 weeks really. Perhaps by measuring ‘too big’ they mean that one area such as stomach or head are measuring proportionately large which may indicate a problem

ivykaty44 · 05/08/2021 20:31

BungleandGeorge. cheers for the info

HurryUpAndWait23 · 05/08/2021 20:34

I guess it also depends on the reasons why the baby needs to be born 7 weeks early.

It isn't as though she just went into spontaneous labour.
This is planned so there's clearly already complications, whatever they may be.

Josette77 · 05/08/2021 20:37

I would let it go. It's not long, and they will need the time and support.

LoverOfLight · 05/08/2021 20:38

@HurryUpAndWait23 you've hit the nail on the head there really.

Must be scary having a premature baby at any time but especially in COVID times.

I would wish them well, request facetime etc.

SeasonFinale · 05/08/2021 20:39

At no point have you acknowledged the covid risk to a newborn premature baby! Are your family and kids prepared to test and isolate? Perhaps they can't trust you to do this even if you said you were. I see no issue in them wanting the baby and themselves not to be put to unnecessary risk!!

Hanab · 05/08/2021 20:40

All you ladies who are saying give the man a break can you do the same to OP? Irrespective of having a child born early OP’s child is his child as well. He has to parent the child at his designated time. I am pretty sure that some of you would be blowing a different tune if it was a step mum scenario.
OP and DAD have a child .. this child rightfully deserves time be it facetime, lunch, overnight. Something with dad. New baby or not! Responsibility does not automatically disappear when having another child.. he must make it work!

OP also has to sacrifice her work time.. yes it is her child but again the child is his as well. Is he going to reimburse her in some way to make it up to her?

Yes she can sympathise but it is her and the childs right for dad to continue visitation.

I did not read that baby was in any danger .. just a large baby as the previous child. So it is not at present a life or death situation and I pray it will never come to that.

Unsure33 · 05/08/2021 20:43

Personally having had a prem I would give them a break . DC aid old enough to understand if you just say the baby is very small and may need extra care and not too many visitors in the early weeks because of germs .

If you keep it low key and explain the situation I am sure they will be fine .

If it’s long term and constant pushing DC away then you re-think things . But in this situation I think you can explain without DC feeling hurt .

Highfivemum · 05/08/2021 20:45

It is how you approach it that will determine if your DC will be upset or not. You react badly to it they will. You explain and are understanding they will be too.
I think your ex is doing the right thing. This is a prem baby that will need to be kept safe as will the other babies in ICU.

Unsure33 · 05/08/2021 20:45

@HurryUpAndWait23

Good post . The DC will follow the mums lead and probably won’t even know the situation with the other children unless told .

nocturnalcatfreetogoodhome · 05/08/2021 20:47

@HurryUpAndWait23

What my 6 year won't understand is why his Dad will continue to see his other DC and step child, but not him.

No. That's what you don't understand.

A 6 year old will follow your lead with the information you give him.
Such as

"Daddy isn't coming this week because the new baby has been born, you have a new brother/sister!! How exciting! But for now the baby isn't very well and is in hospital so for the baby to get better, daddy needs to stay there for a while. But don't worry, daddy can FaceTime you and show you your new sister/brother! "

Job done.

Reassurance and positivity is all it needs.

But Daddy isn't just coming this week. He's not coming next week or the week after that either and by the time you meet your new baby your siblings have already met him weeks ago.

The issue is that the Father has simply checked out. He's not telling the son why, he's not assuring him, he's not providing any alternative childcare, but he's also not cancelled his holiday in September - he just doesn't give a shit.

OP isn't saying she won't fill in the gaps in his absence, of course she will, but it's just fucking appalling how he's done it and it shows their child as a second class citizen.

HurryUpAndWait23 · 05/08/2021 20:47

All you ladies who are saying give the man a break can you do the same to OP? Irrespective of having a child born early OP’s child is his child as well. He has to parent the child at his designated time.

Grow up.

Life isn't that simple. It's 3 weeks out of the 6 years life in order to help the life of a premature baby.

Life doesn't work the way we all want sometimes.
I don't expect the baby fancied being born that early.

sofiegiraffe · 05/08/2021 20:48

@HurryUpAndWait23

What my 6 year won't understand is why his Dad will continue to see his other DC and step child, but not him.

No. That's what you don't understand.

A 6 year old will follow your lead with the information you give him.
Such as

"Daddy isn't coming this week because the new baby has been born, you have a new brother/sister!! How exciting! But for now the baby isn't very well and is in hospital so for the baby to get better, daddy needs to stay there for a while. But don't worry, daddy can FaceTime you and show you your new sister/brother! "

Job done.

Reassurance and positivity is all it needs.

Absolutely this - 100%. This is the approach the little boy needs and all will be fine.

Babyboomtastic · 05/08/2021 20:49

I don't think you are looking at this with a Covid lens, and he may well be being v sensible.

It may well be the the maternal grandparents are either isolating as a family, or limiting their contacts so that it's safer for dad to still see them - after all, it's to keep their new grandchild safe. If they isolate the same as your ex and partner, then they would provide a level of safe support that understandably you cannot.

If your ex continued contact, I can't imagine that you and your children would isolate. And no one would expect you to. But unless you are doing so, or severely limiting your children's activities for the whole period, to minimise risky situations, your children are likely a far greater risk to the baby.

And even if he doesn't believe in Covid himself, restrictions about a self isolation bubble are likely to come from the hospital.

HurryUpAndWait23 · 05/08/2021 20:50

But Daddy isn't just coming this week.

The timeline of a 6 year old can't comprehend 3 weeks for more than a few minutes.
It's absolutely pointless to start that.
All he needs is the above sentence repeated over the three weeks.

Time works slower (and sometimes faster) for a 6 year old and the reassurance will need to be repeated.
Saying "this week" is completely acceptable and easy to understand.
No need for numbers.
Just love, reassurance and an open dialogue with his dad.

Viviennemary · 05/08/2021 20:51

I think he needs to make time for his children Even if it's only a half day once a week. Not seeing them for three weeks is not fair on them.

ancientgran · 05/08/2021 20:56

@Recessed

Does the new partner have existing DC? Can't imagine she would go three weeks without seeing them if she does. YANBU. Another useless one by the sounds of things. Sad for your DC too to be cast aside for the new child but hopefully he's just stressing in anticipation and will see sense.
I know someone who had to go to a hospital over 100 miles away as she went into very prem labour and no spaces in nicu at nearer hospitals. She didn't see her 3 year for weeks. Her husband didn't want to do a 300 mile drive, 100 miles to pick them up, 100 miles to take them back and then 100 miles for him to go back to the hospital when it was touch and go if the baby would survive. Baby had life saving surgery when they were about 3 weeks old, he wasn't strong enough before that and then it was weeks before he was out of danger.

Hopefully nothing as dramatic in this case but it does happen.

ancientgran · 05/08/2021 20:56

I missed 100 miles somewhere there, he would have had to do 400 miles.

Faithless12 · 05/08/2021 20:59

@HurryUpAndWait23

All you ladies who are saying give the man a break can you do the same to OP? Irrespective of having a child born early OP’s child is his child as well. He has to parent the child at his designated time.

Grow up.

Life isn't that simple. It's 3 weeks out of the 6 years life in order to help the life of a premature baby.

Life doesn't work the way we all want sometimes.
I don't expect the baby fancied being born that early.

Actually I think it’s you that needs to grow up. The child has two parents and his decision to drop contact is costing OP annual leave. A parent makes alternative arrangements and doesn’t just cancel 3 weeks up front.

Try reading the OPs posts this isn’t a one off issue.

mummabear20202022 · 05/08/2021 20:59

@Babyboomtastic

I don't think you are looking at this with a Covid lens, and he may well be being v sensible.

It may well be the the maternal grandparents are either isolating as a family, or limiting their contacts so that it's safer for dad to still see them - after all, it's to keep their new grandchild safe. If they isolate the same as your ex and partner, then they would provide a level of safe support that understandably you cannot.

If your ex continued contact, I can't imagine that you and your children would isolate. And no one would expect you to. But unless you are doing so, or severely limiting your children's activities for the whole period, to minimise risky situations, your children are likely a far greater risk to the baby.

And even if he doesn't believe in Covid himself, restrictions about a self isolation bubble are likely to come from the hospital.

Absolutely this. Until the Preemie is home and healthy, they'd take precedence In my eyes.

However ex needs to make time to at least video call dc to keep some consistency and presence - ask him to keep Dc updated on their brother or sister, send pictures etc I'm sure the excitement is rife!

Roselilly36 · 05/08/2021 20:59

I hope this won’t become the way of things OP. I can see why you are concerned that your DS will be upset. It’s far from ideal for everyone, not least the little baby. I think your DS dad should explain to him why he might not see him for a little while. Surely he can spare a few minutes to FaceTime or call him?

ancientgran · 05/08/2021 21:01

[quote chickendinnertonight]@saraclara Possibly, yes. What my 6 year won't understand is why his Dad will continue to see his other DC and step child, but not him. [/quote]
Does he need to know? Probably best if no one discusses that with him.

I hope your ex might be preparing for a worst case scenario and will actually be able to see your son.

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