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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DS to be a ‘dad’

234 replies

fomentin · 05/08/2021 14:24

My eldest is 18, almost 19, his girlfriend is 19.

She found out she was pregnant when they were in year 11 with her then boyfriend, DS supported her as the actual father didn't want anything to do with her or the baby. DS also supported her when the baby was born and she is now almost 2.

DS and his girlfriend have been in a relationship for almost a year, and recently the little girl has been calling him daddy. Except, DS isn't her dad.

AIBU to not want him to be her ‘dad’ especially as he's so young!

OP posts:
Fros · 05/08/2021 18:06

While you may not BU to wish that your son hadn't embraced this 'dad' role, I can't imagine him taking it well if you tried to dissuade him now.

Have you been asked/expected to take on a GP role?
For the sake of a couple of months, he could be the birth father. Would you be so resistant then? Why/not?

If you choose to discuss it with him, you could easily push him into something you don't want - they could move in together, he could enter into a parental responsibility agreement, they could decide to have another child together etc

FuckingFlumps · 05/08/2021 18:11

For the sake of a couple of months, he could be the birth father. Would you be so resistant then? Why/not?

Surely it's blindly obvious that that is an entirely different situation. A teenager finding himself a parent due to a contraceptive mishap or a I'm in invincible it won't happen to me mistake is one thing. It's not what we would wish for our children but the OP and others would make the most of the situation no doubt.

Voluntarily choosing to raise another man's child at 16 and giving up his youth despite the HUGE risk that this child will one day not be in his life is quite another thing altogether.

Unfashionable · 05/08/2021 18:31

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woodhill · 05/08/2021 18:36

Yes I would be really upset but then I don't think OP is being unreasonable.

Sssloou · 05/08/2021 18:39

Do you know what “supporting her” through her pregnancy and for the first year of the child’s life entailed? As they were in a sexual relationship for a year before the pregnancy and are “again” now for the past year.

It’s entirely possible that they have been in a relationship for the whole 4 years minus the few months when they broke up - I am not clear what would define it one way or the other?

I also think that it is entirely possible that this is your sons biological child - she doesn’t have to look anything like him - and he might not want to tell you?

What is your opinion or their relationship? What was it like when they were together for the first year? Respectful, equal, appropriate etc? What were her aspirations then? Has she plans to return to education or training?

What is their relationship like now - is he happy and fulfilled?

Are you able to speak to him about his wants / needs / aspirations / intentions?

Is he mature and responsible? Is he good with his own personal boundaries?

Ghosttile · 05/08/2021 18:46

I’d be really upset too. I don’t think children should be parents - not to say that they can’t be great parents, just that they can be equally good parents a few years down the line and you only get to be young once.

Saying anything about that to an 18 year old who has already been with the child’s mother for a year won’t go well. The teens don’t live together. The last thing the OP needs is to push him away (and into moving in with each her)

The child is nearly two but they’ve only been together for a year, so if he was around at the birth they were just friends for a while. Maybe they’ll fall into being just friends again? Is he going off to University?

Booboosweet · 05/08/2021 19:06

Yanbu. Lots of issues there. He's far too young for all this for a start and it's confusing for the child. If he was my son I wouldn't be happy.

x2boys · 05/08/2021 19:10

@Fros

While you may not BU to wish that your son hadn't embraced this 'dad' role, I can't imagine him taking it well if you tried to dissuade him now.

Have you been asked/expected to take on a GP role?
For the sake of a couple of months, he could be the birth father. Would you be so resistant then? Why/not?

If you choose to discuss it with him, you could easily push him into something you don't want - they could move in together, he could enter into a parental responsibility agreement, they could decide to have another child together etc

Its not just a couple of months its a small matter of DNA, i have a 14 year old son if he came to me in a couple of years and said he was going to be a dad, i wouldnt exactly be jumping for joy but i would try and be supportive If he came to me to say he was going to play at being Daddy to another mans child i would try to make him see sense
Mommabear20 · 05/08/2021 19:10

You may not like it, but you must be proud of him for stepping up for the sake of the child and doing something so incredible!

LaMagdalena · 05/08/2021 19:12

I really don't think this is going to benefit the child long-term.

FuckingFlumps · 05/08/2021 19:14

@Mommabear20

You may not like it, but you must be proud of him for stepping up for the sake of the child and doing something so incredible!
Is giving up his youth to raise a child that will very likely not be in his life in 10 years time really that incredible or something that should be applauded?
whatthejiggeries · 05/08/2021 19:20

I wouldn't be happy if it was my son. But I don't think there is much you can do

LimpLettice · 05/08/2021 19:27

My DD has a peer at school who had a similar situation. The mum left when he was months old, and dad got together with a teen girlfriend who took on everything. He grew up calling her mummy, she did everything with him. Then when he was about 8, dad met someone else, left her & very quickly married, new baby, etc. Girlfriend was left devastated with no contact. The child found it extremely difficult indeed, according to DD, basically having lost 2 mums and having to accept a third with a new baby.

I wouldn't say it's not your business. He might be a young adult but it's his feelings, and the child's, and you are right to be cautious. Difficult to handle though, I feel for you.

LolaSmiles · 05/08/2021 19:28

I really don't think this is going to benefit the child long-term
Me neither.
The fact OP's son and his girlfriend have been together, split up, she got a new boyfriend, got pregnant with him, that relationship has ended, now OP's son has got back with her, OP's son is playing daddy, the child is being lied to about her father etc sounds like the child's long term stability isn't being prioritised.
If it was then they wouldn't be playing happy families and the OP's son could be mummy's friend, and in time stepdad.

lovelybitofsquirrell · 05/08/2021 19:33

@LibrariesGiveUsPower45321

YABU.

You’ve raised an excellent responsible young man. Well done.

This !!

Well done OP for raising a very good man

Paint69 · 05/08/2021 19:36

Nice 'this little madam' Hmm. Some real judgemental comments on here. He's made the best of a difficult situation. Of course, it's not what any of us would probably imagine for our children. He seems to be a very mature individual. I hope things end well for them, although agreed that statistically, the odds are against them. I'd just be prepared to support him in the event that the relationship fails and she cuts tie with him and the child. I can imagine he will be devastated. If you express that you aren't happy with the situation, you are likely to push him away.

DingDongThongs · 05/08/2021 19:41

He's a loving generous & warm human being. What's the real beef OP?

DingDongThongs · 05/08/2021 19:42

@MaMelon

I agree. He needs to formally adopt her

Dear gods, no - he should be stepping back from this game of happy families, not being encouraged to commit to it at such a young age and after such a short time.

you can't adopt at 18
MaMelon · 05/08/2021 19:43

Well done OP for raising a very good man

He’s not a man, he’s a teenager who happens to be treated as an adult in law. He is nowhere near mature enough to be assuming this responsibility - not should it be landed on his shoulders.

MaMelon · 05/08/2021 19:44

you can't adopt at 18

Very glad to hear it.

DingDongThongs · 05/08/2021 19:46

@LolaSmiles

I really don't think this is going to benefit the child long-term Me neither. The fact OP's son and his girlfriend have been together, split up, she got a new boyfriend, got pregnant with him, that relationship has ended, now OP's son has got back with her, OP's son is playing daddy, the child is being lied to about her father etc sounds like the child's long term stability isn't being prioritised. If it was then they wouldn't be playing happy families and the OP's son could be mummy's friend, and in time stepdad.
what if baby is her grandson? It's clear OP doesn't like the girl
DingDongThongs · 05/08/2021 19:47

granddaughter

DingDongThongs · 05/08/2021 19:47

@MaMelon

you can't adopt at 18

Very glad to hear it.

It's 21
DingDongThongs · 05/08/2021 19:48

You can however have fathered a child at 15/16.

OP genuinely consider it - is this your Grandchild?

FuckingFlumps · 05/08/2021 19:49

what if baby is her grandson? It's clear OP doesn't like the girl

It doesn't matter if she likes the women or not and its no use spouting what ifs. The child is not her sons to the best of the knowledge of all involved. Creating false scenarios does not help change the facts as we know them.