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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DS to be a ‘dad’

234 replies

fomentin · 05/08/2021 14:24

My eldest is 18, almost 19, his girlfriend is 19.

She found out she was pregnant when they were in year 11 with her then boyfriend, DS supported her as the actual father didn't want anything to do with her or the baby. DS also supported her when the baby was born and she is now almost 2.

DS and his girlfriend have been in a relationship for almost a year, and recently the little girl has been calling him daddy. Except, DS isn't her dad.

AIBU to not want him to be her ‘dad’ especially as he's so young!

OP posts:
Carinna · 05/08/2021 17:10

You need to explain to him that he could potentially be on the hook for child support if they break up, because he could be deemed to have accepted parental responsibility.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 05/08/2021 17:11

There’s some weird romanticising of OP’s son as a white knight rescuing a distressed young single mum. An unusual variation on the usual narrative on here

Isn't it just? I'm always intrigued by the way MN swings from "They're adults, it's up to them" to "Their brains don't mature until 25 so you can't expect them to make the best decisions"

I'm with those who feel this may not be fair on the child - time enough to think about the "dad" role if things work out

MaMelon · 05/08/2021 17:14

YANBU

At 18 he's only just become a young adult - nowhere near the age at which he should be assuming the role of a parent to another young person's child.

He sounds like a very caring friend and now boyfriend, but he's not her Dad, and if it goes the way that most teenage relationships go it won't last. Depending on the relationship you have, I would remind my DS that while it's nice he's a part of their life it might be better to hold off being her dad until they are both much older and more settled in a permanent relationship.

Of course, being 18, they're also in love, so it's a difficult one.

Original poster
fomentin · 05/08/2021 17:14

@Sssloou

I would have a conversation with your DS about what he wants in life so that he doesn’t sleep walk into anything.

His GF might want siblings soon for her DD - is that what he wants?

I also agree that pursuing the biological father for maintenance is the right approach.

How does your DS spend his social time? Does he have a wide range of friends / hobbies etc as well as his GF - or is most of his social time spent with her as a family unit?

He does have a few friends etc but he mainly does spend all his time with his girlfriend and her DD.

To the PP that asked if I'm sure he isn't the biological father, DS and his girlfriend were together for about a year but they split up a few months before she found out she was pregnant and she was already with the other boyfriend at the time and the little girl looks nothing like DS.

OP posts:
Whinge · 05/08/2021 17:15

@fomentin Is your DS on the birth certificate?

woodhill · 05/08/2021 17:15

Perfectly understandable OP when he's a teen and not even the father but what can you do?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 05/08/2021 17:18

I understand why you don’t want your ds taking on this huge responsibility at his age, @fomentin, but as other posters have said, you can be very proud of your son - you have clearly raised a young man who is kind, caring and loyal.

I think all you can do is support him, and encourage him to do the things he wants to do in his life, alongside supporting his friend and stepping up in a baby’s life (where that baby’s father has dismally failed to do so).

ButteringMyArse · 05/08/2021 17:19

It's actually quite sad how many posters are all on board with a couple of teenagers prioritising their sex life and playing happy families over the long term stability of a toddler.

Yep.

MaMelon · 05/08/2021 17:20

Agree Buttering

newnortherner111 · 05/08/2021 17:20

I think it is valid to think of the child, should the relationship break down, and/or asking awkward questions later on and finding out that 'dad' is not father after all. Not sure what you can do about it.

MumofSpud · 05/08/2021 17:24

I see where you are coming from but it is a difficult one - he has accepted responsibility so that is all there is to it.
My BiL did this - started dating someone when she was 8 months pregnant (the biological father was not around as he was married). They bought a place together and he was the baby's dad.
To my in laws the baby was their grand child.
Then they split when the child was about 4.
No more contact after thatSad

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 05/08/2021 17:26

I would be encouraging him to still see his friends, OP. What are his plans for further education if he wants that as an option?

It's fortunate that he lives at home with you. I wouldn't be back-stopping him in a 'dad' role. If he wants to spend his wages on supporting this woman and her child then that's up to him but I would be making it clear that this isn't his responsibility. I would explain to him why it isn't a good idea for him to take this 'role', it's not guaranteed and it's not in the interests of this child.

I wouldn't be playing 'grandma' at all. I would also do as PP suggest and that is for him to encourage his girlfriend to apply for child support from her child's dad.

I would be very concerned that another baby would follow. Very concerned indeed. It's an awful situation.

Foxglovesandlilacs86 · 05/08/2021 17:27

She should be telling her daughter not to call him daddy. He’s not her dad.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 05/08/2021 17:28

@ButteringMyArse

It's actually quite sad how many posters are all on board with a couple of teenagers prioritising their sex life and playing happy families over the long term stability of a toddler.

Yep.

Another one agreeing too.#

The fetishising by some posters of OP's son for potentially throwing away his choices and independence away for a child he has no actual legal responsibility for is nauseating.

It's not 'stepping up', it's being manoeuvred.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 05/08/2021 17:35

Out of interest, is he contributing to your household?

Bellarime · 05/08/2021 17:35

I’ve got an 18yo son. If this was him I’d be telling him to get his head tested.

toolazytothinkofausername · 05/08/2021 17:38

@Fernando072020

Your son is an adult so really it's his business.

But I can see the worry if they break up and your son no longer is allowed to see the little girl he's raised as his daughter

I agree. He needs to formally adopt her.
FrownedUpon · 05/08/2021 17:39

Poor little girl. Likely to have a number of “daddy’s” during her life.

Zaragirl84 · 05/08/2021 17:39

Mixed feelings on this situation.

I'd be a bit of a hypocrite to condemn it, and was a single parent when I met dh, we were in our 20s but still young.

I think it's ridiculous for the child to call him dad, very unfair on the child.

Don't think it's the worst thing in the world to date someone with a child, but I'd be worried she'd become pregnant again when they're both so young, I'd also be sad that they're missing out on the usual young couple stuff, nights out and holidays together which are all much more difficult with a child.

Whinge · 05/08/2021 17:42

I agree. He needs to formally adopt her.

I disagree. I think he needs to step back and think about his relationship and how involved he is in this child's life. He's 18, adopting a child after being in a relationship with her mum for a year would be a ridiculous step.

Bellarime · 05/08/2021 17:43

Why did they split up originally OP?

PomegranateQueen · 05/08/2021 17:51

I'm really surprised at some of the responses you have received OP. Most parents would have concerns about a child becoming an actual parent at that age. Legally he is an adult but he is still very young so of course OP is right to worry about him.

I would be worried that he is being taken advantage of and that he would feel obliged to stay with her longer than he wants. If he gets too attached to the child but they break up he will have no right to see this child he has been raising as his own. It's also totally irresponsible for them to encourage the child to call him Daddy, he is not thier daddy.

I wonder what the responses would be if OP's child was female and taking on someone else's child Hmm

pollylocketpickedapocket · 05/08/2021 17:55

YANBU sorry I’d be absolutely gutted if my 18 yo was wasting his youth playing happy families. Does he work? Is he also paying for this child?
Obviously you can’t do or say anything, it’s his choice but no way would I be proud if this was my son.

nocturnalcatfreetogoodhome · 05/08/2021 17:55

I agree. He needs to formally adopt her.

Couldn't even if he wanted to, he's too young.

MaMelon · 05/08/2021 18:06

I agree. He needs to formally adopt her

Dear gods, no - he should be stepping back from this game of happy families, not being encouraged to commit to it at such a young age and after such a short time.