To ask DH to give up his career?

[Lonelylooloo]

Please don’t flame me I know I am probably being VU and will accept that if you tell me.

I have a big house, nice car, cleaners and no money worries, I know I’m very very lucky. I also have a DH we rarely see who works long hours in a draining job.
We have two small DC the youngest is just a few weeks old and DH has been on SPL, it’s been so lovely having him around and I don’t mean to sound ungrateful but I’ve realised how lonely and unhappy I am when DH is working.

He goes back tomorrow and Im upset. I want to simplify our lives. We could sell up and purchase a small property cash, reduce our monthly outgoings to less than 1/4 of the current and DH (or I) could work PT to survive comfortably. There’s huge demand for DH’s skills and I have a decent PT job. He could actually spend time with our toddler who adores him and not be miserable and exhausted all the time. I could not feel like a single parent! We are so lucky to have the option to live like this as so many don’t.

I told him how I feel but he doesn’t feel the same. He likes his job and wants this expensive lifestyle. He just kept repeating ‘it’s gonna be ok’ but it’s just me watching him work himself raw and me doing everything with the house/kids alone. This isn’t how I want to live. What’s the point in a big house when he’s never here to enjoy it?

I wanna spend time together with our beautiful kids whilst they’re little.
I want DH to be around to see them grow up and not have had a heart attack before 40!

@TheDailyCarbunkle

I think you're very sensible to recognise this now and not let it drift on until you're another 5 years down the road and far more resentful and detached from your DH. IMO a lot of responses you've had reflect the fact that earning money is seen as a legitimate reason to ignore what your family needs - if he was spending hours and hours on a hobby and you felt lonely and upset because of that, the responses you'd get would be very different. It's no uncommon for one partner (almost always the woman in heterosexual setups) to just accept that their partner is away most of the time and that they have to do most child related/household things on their own. Over time what often ends up happening is that there is essentially no partnership - each person is doing their own bit of keeping the family going and barely cooperating on anything. Fast forward a few years and the partner at home feels they have no one to depend on - they are the 'default parent' all the time and their partner knows little or no detail about the house or the children, while the working partner feels disconnected and left out and unable to make their way back into the family. The result is resentment, lack of communication, no teamwork and often leads to the death of the relationship.

You are right to ask your partner to prioritise you and your children. Working all hours, being stressed, not contributing to the running of the family beyond providing money (which, let's face it, it's just as easy to do if you're separated/divorced) is not the way to be a good husband and father. It's just not.

Beautifully expressed!

*The reverse would see such a different response. 'I'm a SAHM of two children. My OH works long hours and earn a very good income so that I can be home and we can enjoy a good lifestyle. We've always agreed that I would be a SAHM and it means a lot to me because I really love being with my kids. My second is now at school and my OH is insisting that I go back to work PT because he thinks that we don't earn enough and could do more fun things with my income. I don't want to go back to work, I enjoy being a SAHM and we are doing very well financially. He just wants more luxuries.

How many would say that her OH is entitled to change his mind, entitled to want a change in their life, entitled to demand that she changes her life because it would make him happier even if that's not what she wants. Yet, it's ok to expect OP's OH to change his life, what was the norm before, do something that he is not happy with just because she misses his company?*

I would say that would be a very reasonable expectation for someone to decide they don’t want to shoulder 100% of the financial burden and want a SAHP to go back to work. OP doesn’t SAH though she said she works part time, so she’s already financially contributing and wants DH to do more of his share of the parenting. Not unreasonable.

Bold fail, I’m quoting a PP there between the asterisks

If he was spending hours and hours on a hobby and you felt lonely and upset because of that, the responses you'd get would be very different
That might be your views but it is not the general consensus. There have been enough threads of women complaining that their partner wanted them to go back to work when they were doing fine financially and it was agreed before that they would be a SAHM long term and the response was in the very large majority that the guy is selfish and can't suddenly make demands when they had an agreed arrangement in place before.

OP doesn’t SAH though she said she works part time, so she’s already financially contributing and wants DH to do more of his share of the parenting. Not unreasonable
that's not what she says, again, the usual interpretation. She says she is lonely and wants more of his presence, very different.

You've stated how you feel about it but I think you'll have to accept many men just don't feel the same way.

Many see their families as a box to tick off. They like the idea of it and love that you make HIS life easier for him while he works all those hours. He can get the good parts of parenting and marriage without any of the down side or work involved.

He likes it. He likes the company of his coworkers.
Someone at his level can shift things around some.
He just doesn't want to.

YANBU but obviously there's not much you can do if he refuses. I wouldn't frame it as an all or nothing but there can be compromises made. I felt similar when my DCs were babies/toddlers and in the same situation. I also asked that he take a job closer to home - it would have dramatically reduced his earnings but it would have given me more work options and would saved our marriage. He refused. We are now in the process of separating. It's not worth it unless both parties are happy with the arrangement. Finicaial security is important but excess money is unnecessary if it comes at such a high cost. When they were tiny there were many periods when my DC didn't see their dad from Monday to Friday due to the length of his commute, he'd often work Saturdays and he was so exhausted on Sundays that he'd spend hours sleeping on the couch - all for what? We didn't need it, we had no mortgage, we could have easily tightened our belts for those early years. I think he loved being Billy Big Balls "provider" with the wife and children at home. Our children have ultimately paid the price.

There’s always a gender bias on here, whatever a woman wants is deemed to be reasonable. Whereas any bloke who wants the same is not. It’s quite stark too

As a pp said if a man wants his wife to go back to work,he’s unreasonable.
But if a man said I want my wife to stop working, as I don’t want to work full time and I want to stay home with th kids, but fuck me it’s lonely and hard, so if she stopped work too then it would be easier for me to be a stay at home parent, he’d get his arse handed to him

But on here, oh you want to stay at home with your kids, that’s great, and yes of course it means you’re doing more of the parenting, that’s the job definition, but it is hard and lonely so get him to quit too and share the load. Totally reasonable.

The answer is if the op doesn’t like being a stay at home parent and finds it hard and lonely then get herself back into work and find childcare. Not everyone is cut out for it

But what you can’t do is decide you want to be a stay at hone parent, then decide it’s a bit shit so your partner should quit and make your new job easier.

I must say I'm very surprised at the number of posters who are happy for a Dad to be absent from his children's lives in return for money.

Yes it's quite a shocking thread in that regard. As if it's unacceptable to ask the big important man to compromise after they decided to have children. As though he's entitled for his life to remain absolutely the same. It reads like "you made your bed woman, facilitate the life of the almighty penis at the expense of your own"

Oh and piling on her for the single parent comment. Such bitterness. I've been both and it's incredibly lonely and stressful being in a marriage where the other parent leaves the entire load to you. Yes doing it all completely alone is a heavy load to bear and there are differences but it's comparable in many ways.

@Recessed

I must say I'm very surprised at the number of posters who are happy for a Dad to be absent from his children's lives in return for money.

Yes it's quite a shocking thread in that regard. As if it's unacceptable to ask the big important man to compromise after they decided to have children. As though he's entitled for his life to remain absolutely the same. It reads like "you made your bed woman, facilitate the life of the almighty penis at the expense of your own"

Oh and piling on her for the single parent comment. Such bitterness. I've been both and it's incredibly lonely and stressful being in a marriage where the other parent leaves the entire load to you. Yes doing it all completely alone is a heavy load to bear and there are differences but it's comparable in many ways.

Bloody hell. Do you both also feel if a woman works she’s absent from her children’s lives in return for money? That everyone should quit and stay home?

Odd. Very odd.

As a pp said if a man wants his wife to go back to work,he’s unreasonable.

On the other side, it’s pretty much expected that the mum is giving up her career as soon as she becomes a mum. So expected that it’s not even discussed. It just happens….

Amazing that when it’s the other way around and we are talking about a dad who gives up his career when becoming a dad is seen as awful…..

Not stay home permanently obviously but to see them occasionally during the week - yes I do think parents should see their children and be involved in their day to day lives. It's odd not to want to. The OP says they rarely see him. That's shit parenting in my book male or female and completely unnecessary in most cases.

@Recessed

Not stay home permanently obviously but to see them occasionally during the week - yes I do think parents should see their children and be involved in their day to day lives. It's odd not to want to. The OP says they rarely see him. That's shit parenting in my book male or female and completely unnecessary in most cases.

What are you talking about? He does seem them regularly through the week. She’s not said he’s live out.

She said in her first post that he rarely sees them - rarely was the word used. That's what I'm talking about. A parent who "rarely" sees their DC when they have the option to change that is a shit parent IMO.

@vivainsomnia

If he was spending hours and hours on a hobby and you felt lonely and upset because of that, the responses you'd get would be very different That might be your views but it is not the general consensus. There have been enough threads of women complaining that their partner wanted them to go back to work when they were doing fine financially and it was agreed before that they would be a SAHM long term and the response was in the very large majority that the guy is selfish and can't suddenly make demands when they had an agreed arrangement in place before.

OP doesn’t SAH though she said she works part time, so she’s already financially contributing and wants DH to do more of his share of the parenting. Not unreasonable
that's not what she says, again, the usual interpretation. She says she is lonely and wants more of his presence, very different.

Like i said I don't think men who want their SAH wives to go back to work are unreasonable so I would not respond to a thread involving that scenario in the way that you think.

I'm not sure I'd agree that a parent who only sees their kids for any length of time at weekends is a "shit" parent. Time with kids is very important but it's not really quality time with our kids during the week due to sports commitments, homework etc. My husband works long hours during the week but I'm around for the kids while he's working. He gives them 100% of his time at the weekend, and him working also provides a nice lifestyle for them.

I wouldn't judge parents for taking a job with less onerous hours, that has its merits. But those parents who work long hours make their contribution too, albeit in a different way. I wouldn't see either as good/bad.

It's not a situation where you can say 'if a man said... Blah blah' because it doesn't matter what the request is, nothing is off limits to talk about or request. It's how you deal with the decisions that are the point. It's interesting that women are told you can have both a sparkling career and a happy, involved family life but men are not expected to strive for that - but it's not really relevant. OP wants a life where both parents are very involved with the kids at the cost of less money for luxuries. OP's H doesn't. It's up to them to find a balance that works for both of them. Ultimately though the person who wants the other to change is onto a loser if the other doesn't want to and especially in the OP's position when there isn't anything that makes the situation how she wants apart from her H caring less about his high flying career, which he doesn't think is reasonable. I disagree, but I'm not him, and societal expectations are firmly on his side too.

I think your all missing the point here.

The dad has the luxury of cutting back his job, not quitting, and still living comfortably whilst he has more free time for his children.

He has willingly chose not to. So this whole someone needs to supply for the family argument isnt applicable in this circumstance. OP isnt even a stahp she works as well! However she doesnt want her children to be under the care of a nanny and never have both parents around so she has kept it part time. Her husband, who decided to have children WITH HER, should also try to be as present as possible for those poor children sake and of course for his wife.

It is selfish to not expect his life to change as soon as he became a dad

And it is selfish to choose money and luxuries over quality time with them

YANBU but neither is he. It's purely just life that you have grown to a stage where you both want different things and neither of you are wrong in those circumstances.

I also have some empathy OP as I'm in a similar situation, me and DH started as workaholics a business ten years ago so I was the same as Him working myself to the bone,

Now we have a similar lifestyle to the one you describe - everything I ever wanted and now I want to slow down. I've had enough, but DH wants to keep going so I keep following,

I feel trapped, like I'm going to pass my life by being a stressed workaholic and I'm even more worried about DH having aheart attack too.

I guess I don't really have much advice aside from saying I know exactly how you feel and you are not alone, what the solution is I don't know.

@Justlife45 I agree in part, but also feel like these things should have been discussed before kids came along

@enoughforme I agree with you, which is why hindsight is a great thing.

Problem is having a baby (I'm a new mum myself) completely changes your perspective on what's important in life. And guess you've had one it's hard to know this until they are in the picture. Of course it should be obvious on paper but as the op stated by the sounds if it she and her dp where quite happy and content with their lifestyle and both working. However op had a baby and with that a change of heart. Kids really do turn your life upside down. What they both should of known, is that having children does mean committing. And with that comes along the need to accommodate and change. If her dp wasnt willing to let go of his workaholic lifestyle he should of really questioned whether morally it was too selfish or not to bring children into the mix when he doesnt want to change. It's not fair on anyone involved. It's like having your cake and eating it.

We were very happy and content in our lives before children and Covid and we wanted the same things.
My outlook changed, I value people more than things and I’m fed up with the hamster wheel. You work to pay for all this stuff you can’t actually enjoy because you’re always at work.

To be clear, I’m not one of those women who wants the lifestyle and money but also her DH to be around more. I want to give up and money and lifestyle to have my DH around more.

We are lucky enough to be in a situation where selling our home would give us about 200k cash to buy a smaller home. Around here that would get us a 3 bed new build semi. We could both work 1-2 days a week and live comfortably on that.

I don’t think those suggesting nannies, aupairs…etc understand how I’m feeling at all. I want us to enjoy our children I’m looking for ways to spend more time together as a family not less.

I feel hopeless tonight thinking about tomorrow. Feel like I’m waving my DH off into the sunset again. I can’t talk to him about it, he jumps to conclusions. Earlier I reiterated that we could downsize and got ‘…and live in a shitty 2 bed flat on benefits’

I feel your frustration OP but I do think you're asking for extreme ends of a scale. Can you not compromise somewhere in the middle?

In your husbands defence I don't know many people that would do that in order to work 1-2 days a week.

Could you maybe not talk him into getting a smaller mortgage rather than no mortgage? And cut down crazy hours to a typical full time 40 hour week rather than going from one extreme to the other

Neither are unreasonable aspirations. But they aren’t necessarily compatible. Many people find work mentally stimulating (even when tiring or stressful) and gives them a lot of satisfaction. Many driven people feel this way. I could not be a SAHP for all the tea in China. I would hate it. And I would be utterly dreadful- I am a better parent from having time at work. But I totally understand that many people love it, derive a great deal of satisfaction from it and it works well for them. Neither viewpoint is wrong, just “horses for courses”, so to speak.

If he really does not want to reduce hours/change career, then you need to decide whether you can live with that- or not.

I'm not sure he can really be any clearer. He doesn't want to downsize and massively cut back. And that is a huge ask.

I think you have to be clear on what you want. Weekends kept free? Him home for bathtime two nights a week? Is this a deal-breaker for you? If it is, that's fine, it's your choice and your life, but he is probably never going to be someone happy to do two days a week in a low-stress job.

It sucks when your other half is not around as much as you want. But why did you have a second child if he was like this with the first? You can’t force him to give up his career but you can build your own support network and maybe spend some of the spare cash on babysitter/nanny to allow you some time for socialising. You need adult company and if he can’t find time for you then you need to address that. It’s not all about the kids….