To ask DH to give up his career?

[Lonelylooloo]

Please don’t flame me I know I am probably being VU and will accept that if you tell me.

I have a big house, nice car, cleaners and no money worries, I know I’m very very lucky. I also have a DH we rarely see who works long hours in a draining job.
We have two small DC the youngest is just a few weeks old and DH has been on SPL, it’s been so lovely having him around and I don’t mean to sound ungrateful but I’ve realised how lonely and unhappy I am when DH is working.

He goes back tomorrow and Im upset. I want to simplify our lives. We could sell up and purchase a small property cash, reduce our monthly outgoings to less than 1/4 of the current and DH (or I) could work PT to survive comfortably. There’s huge demand for DH’s skills and I have a decent PT job. He could actually spend time with our toddler who adores him and not be miserable and exhausted all the time. I could not feel like a single parent! We are so lucky to have the option to live like this as so many don’t.

I told him how I feel but he doesn’t feel the same. He likes his job and wants this expensive lifestyle. He just kept repeating ‘it’s gonna be ok’ but it’s just me watching him work himself raw and me doing everything with the house/kids alone. This isn’t how I want to live. What’s the point in a big house when he’s never here to enjoy it?

I wanna spend time together with our beautiful kids whilst they’re little.
I want DH to be around to see them grow up and not have had a heart attack before 40!

YABU, very different if he was unhappy and thought he had to keep going but if he enjoys his career and had it pre children then you knew what you were getting into and still had another child.

@Lonelylooloo

You ve just describe my life. I really understand where you are coming from. It s been 18 years and our kids are older than yours but still very dependant (not university age). It is tough. When he is on holidays or available life is so sweet. The rest of the time it is very lonely.
He has been WFH for the past 18 months due to covid, I thought we would see him more during his coffee breaks. Guess I was wrong. 14hrs on teams every day. Plus stuffs to deal with at the week end. With the online school and all the confinements I thought i was going insane (which I did for a bit).

We did couple counselling. It helps to highlight that we dont communicate effectively. Ultimately I love him so I have accepted that for now the status quo wont change.

So whats life?
Firstly, i have an amazing social life. At the week end we go out, we entertain or being entertained. Sometimes he is too tired but he is game and this is the one thing I dont compromise on. I m
Not leaving a recluse life.
Secondly, i make sure he takes some time off. And we have agrees he touch base with work at 5pm when it is the end of the day and everyone is sitting doing whatever before the evening kicks in.
Thirdly, i really try to find contentment and acceptance because indeed I m priviledge, vastly priviledge.
Finally, his made his week ends a priority to be with the kids, chauffering them, coaching them and their peers, etc so yes I m the last wheel and i do feel really lonely. But on days that i m strong it works, i m independant and i know we have a great friendship / love for each other so I m trying to protect what we have and stop chasing what I dont have.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

But it is very hard. Sorry not helpful but wanted you to know that you re not alone.
Do PM me if you need.

I have your lifestyle too (I had an equally demanding job as my husband until I had kids). Neither of us would want to downscale because we enjoy having the money to spend on holidays, the house, private school etc. It can be very lonely and quite tying having small children so I know where you're coming from. I was lucky in having my parents nearby to give me a break.

I found it very different when my kids started school (at 3) and I met a lovely group of people that I've become good friends with. At that point, I found it easier as I had a bit more time to get on top of things or just have a couple of hours off childcare. My kids don't see their dad so much during the week (until covid that is) but he tries to make up for it at the weekends and holidays. Also, once they start school, they're not around so much during the working day either.

I hope you can both find an arrangement that you're both happy with.

Bluntly, it’s easy to be happy with the idea of lower income in theory. In practice, I suspect you’d miss the freedom to book a holiday/day out, and would find it more stressful to actually worry about that boiler breakdown than you think.

The grass isn't always greener on the other side.

If he really loves his job, he may become depressed and feel unfulfilled living a simpler life. He may resent you when he can no longer afford what he wants etc etc

Equally, you might not realise just how much you value the security and freedom you have now and come to miss it when it's no longer there.

You're asking him to make a MASSIVE lifestyle change. He's not going to agree straight away.

Now you've voiced your opinion, he may well think about it and come back to you in a few days/week/months with a suggestion for a compromise.

Too late to change the game on him now. You know you should have had this conversation long before you even considered children.

Can you try getting a hobby?

Can he WFH a couple of days a week? My SIL works from home full time and whilst my DD has been on mat leave they’ve had a lovely time. He tends to get up early and work til lunch, they all eat lunch together, he puts the kids down for a nap then goes back to work for a few hours. He makes their tea and they both put them to bed together. He might work another couple of hours later on, but not every evening. It suits their lifestyle massively. I look after their children 1 day a week and it’s a joy to see them just being a family together.

I could not feel like a single parent!

I am sorry, but this really pisses me off, you are not a single parent, even if he is in work for so long, you dont have the mental load that comes with being a single parent.

He doesn't want to stop working, you both need to find something that is good for the both of you

I don't think either of you is necessarily being unreasonable. Things change when children arrive.

How old is DC1? You mention a toddler so guessing they are 2/3? Plus a new baby. That's hard going - could it be that you feel more unsettled as you are adjusting to two very young children? It may not seem so bad once you get into a routine.

What are his working hours? Are they contracted hours or is there an expectation of overtime/doing whatever is necessary to get the job done? Does he get weekends off? If so, what happens then? Does he engage in family life?

Is it possible for him to wfh occasionally-therby, reducing his commute which may ease his exhaustion and mean he's around more at home?

Did he definitely want children? Or is it a case that perhaps he doesn't want to be heavily involved in parenting?

I wonder whether a further discussion around the set up and whether smaller changes can be made to allow him to continue his job as it is and you to feel happier?

Also think long-term, once the kids are grown up / teenagers and aren't around as much.

Would you still be happy with the simple life or would you want the money to be able travel freely and do what you want.

Well it's fine for him to be a workaholic with you there to provide the kids and happy home. How come his life didn't change when you had DC? He needs to consider the whole family when deciding on career, it's not just about him now

Oh please, just sod off with the “feel like a single parent” crap.

Come back when you have no-one to bounce parenting decisions off and sole financial responsibility, then we’ll talk.

I earn a great salary and I get plenty of breaks. So no one stereotype of a single parent here.

But just - don’t even go there, when you’re not, OK?

His career is important to him and you knew that and were happy with it before. I expect the grass is greener and less money and husband underfoot, bored, wouldn’t actually be that great.

I wouldn’t have the conversation about giving up the career, but more I married you and had babies with you because I thought you loved me and were my partner. You are never here for those babies. I look after them on my own. I didn’t sign up for this and am unhappy. I need you to spend one weekend day with your family actively doing stuff and be home in time to cook dinner/by 7 /in time to do bath and bed with them 2 nights a week. I also expect you to wake up at night saturdays. If you can’t do this I don’t know how I feel about you.
Think about how much would be enough.

If he cut down on work he would probably throw himself into something else so I would concentrate on what you want/ need and consider buying in extra help. For example when the baby is older maybe going to work, not for the money but for the company. Getting in someone to help with the children sometimes, a mother's help rather than full on nanny. Going to activities with the children. When mine were little I would have some playgroup or other every day. I know it is the summer so some might not open until September. Make friends there with dc the same age and meet up with them in the holidays. It may be that you are not massively into the baby stage either and you will enjoy life more when the children are slightly older and you have your own networks too.

Do discuss with him steps he can take to be a little less tired. For example working at home one day a week. If he has worked at home during the pandemic that might be part of the issue as you haven't had much time to parent even the older child alone.

I don't think you are wrong to feel the way you do. As a woman you'd be judged a hell of a lot more for checking out of parenting like that.

That said you can't make him change his priorities

YABU. You can’t expect him to give up his career.
What else could make your life easier? Childcare so you could have some time to yourself, seeing friends for lunch etc (I get that at the moment you have a new born but in the medium term this could be an option). Are you sleep deprived? That’s certainly fairly torturous and make most things seem insurmountable, ie would a night nanny a few nights a week help?
You have to take responsibility for your own happiness and not expect others’ to change their lives drastically in order for you not to be miserable. Therefore you should look at what you can change in order to be happier and if you think the only way to resolve this is for your husband to quit his Job then chances are your relationship is doomed. Because If you force him to quite he’ll end up resenting you and that’ll also probably doom your relationship.

I could have written your post 25 years ago. The early years were tough because DH worked so much. He loved his work and it was an important part of his identity. I had to accept that having kids had changed me and my priorities but it didn't have the same impact on him. I had to respect that.

However remember these early years go by very quickly. Once they are at school things are very different. I'm glad now that he kept the job he loved and progressed in it rather than giving it up for what was a very very short phase of our lives.

It's tough but you need to start building a life for you and the kids that accommodates your DHs job.

Imagine if a man posted this about asking a woman to give a career she doesn’t want to.

I would try to build up a Social Network of your own .Your DH is driven and ambitious .He is not going to be happy at home with DC and a lesser job! After having a baby you may feel isolated, and need to perhaps join NCT/Baby groups . As others have said here .

@sst1234

Imagine if a man posted this about asking a woman to give a career she doesn’t want to.

Don't need to imagine it as we see these types of posts all the time.

The 'single parent' comment was pretty crass.

Do you have a career?

The rest of the time it is very lonely
Why though? I can understand when you have little ones and therefore housebound a lot, but why when they are older? You have your freedom and the money to enjoy it? Why is your sense of contentment dependent on your OH being with you? There is so much to do, for yourself and others that takes the loneliness away.

OP, I agree that it's really easy to assume that life on a lower income would be great. Sometimes it is. You realise how stressed you were, putting all your efforts and thoughts into something that doesn't really matter and missing out on what does, the people you love. You do cope with the reduction of money because you still have enough to not have to worry about it or be frustrated that you can't afford things you wish you could have.

However, sometimes it is easy to take things for granted. I'm the other way around. Was in a position where we earned enough to be ok, but had to count the money, know what was in our account, make decisions for any unexpected purchases and prioritise. Trying to save some and feeling frustrated at the end of the month that despite being careful and making sacrifices, there is still next to nothing to put into savings and worrying what would happen if one lost their job. We are now in a position where we are not rich, but we can spend without checking our accounts, without debating whether it's reasonable to buy things, without needing to consult each other, and with still a good chunk of money at the end of the month. I definitely wouldn't want to go back to where we were unless it is when we retire and outgoings will reduce much anyway.

You will find that kids cost more and more as they get older, so things will be more and more stretched. Ultimately, he doesn't want to do that, and it might be more than because he loves his job. In many industries, partimers get the raw deals, are the first to be made redundant, often overlooked for promotions etc... If your OH is ambitious, it's totally understandable he wouldn't want to miss out.

Your life really really doesn't have to be lonely. You don't have to depend on your OH only for company. Build a new network of friends and make the most of your freedom.

Could he try cutting down his hours? Just having a bit more life outside work? He may be surprised and find he likes it. At least worth a try. Better than realising, when he’s old and it’s too late, that he wishes he’d spent more time with his family.

@Oblahdeeoblahdoe

Well it's fine for him to be a workaholic with you there to provide the kids and happy home. How come his life didn't change when you had DC? He needs to consider the whole family when deciding on career, it's not just about him now

Yes exactly. I think people saying OP should have thought of this a long time ago are being a bit harsh.

Life changes when you have kids and he should be more open to working around family life now that he's a parent - he decided to have kids as well, presumably!

OP when he keeps repeating "It's gonna be OK" you need to tell him that it's actually not OK, and it's not OK right now, you are struggling and something needs to change. There must be a way he could scale back a little bit to be more present for you.

Him saying "It's gonna be OK" basically means he wants to stick with the status quo, and if you don't push for what you want, that is what will happen.

There must be a compromise here where he can somehow make himself a little more available - otherwise why have kids? HE should have thought about this a long time ago as well, to be honest!

I can sympathise with the husband in this situation. I earn alot of money, big house, nice car, disposable income every month and a couple of holidays a year BUT I do often work 60 hour weeks. My partner knew this before we got together and accepted that if she wanted this lifestyle the 60 hour work week is non negotiable. He's happy with the money and nice things etc. It would literally turn his world upside down.