To ask DH to give up his career?

[Lonelylooloo]

Please don’t flame me I know I am probably being VU and will accept that if you tell me.

I have a big house, nice car, cleaners and no money worries, I know I’m very very lucky. I also have a DH we rarely see who works long hours in a draining job.
We have two small DC the youngest is just a few weeks old and DH has been on SPL, it’s been so lovely having him around and I don’t mean to sound ungrateful but I’ve realised how lonely and unhappy I am when DH is working.

He goes back tomorrow and Im upset. I want to simplify our lives. We could sell up and purchase a small property cash, reduce our monthly outgoings to less than 1/4 of the current and DH (or I) could work PT to survive comfortably. There’s huge demand for DH’s skills and I have a decent PT job. He could actually spend time with our toddler who adores him and not be miserable and exhausted all the time. I could not feel like a single parent! We are so lucky to have the option to live like this as so many don’t.

I told him how I feel but he doesn’t feel the same. He likes his job and wants this expensive lifestyle. He just kept repeating ‘it’s gonna be ok’ but it’s just me watching him work himself raw and me doing everything with the house/kids alone. This isn’t how I want to live. What’s the point in a big house when he’s never here to enjoy it?

I wanna spend time together with our beautiful kids whilst they’re little.
I want DH to be around to see them grow up and not have had a heart attack before 40!

@RosesAndHellebores

For those saying the op has no idea knowing what it's like to be a single parent, whilst I agree that is true for some aspects of this lifestyle it is not wholly true. Examples:

1. Children being admitted to hospital and having to get a friend to collect the well one and look after them (DH in court)

1. Went into labour with DS2 at 27 weeks and by the time a message got to DH, he had been born and DH arrived shortly afterwards.

1. Divorced friends actually got breaks when their dc went to their fathers' and breaks from Friday night until Sunday night.

I do appreciate it isn't the same but my grown up dc have been known to quip "Well mum might as well have been a single parent when we were little".

Yeah it actually hurts to hear people say that. I lone parent with no financial support and have to beg her dad to have her every few months when I have something important to do. EVERYTHING is on me. There’s never back up, never someone to talk things over, never a break from the physical or mental and emotional load of parenting.

Sticks in my throat when people compare their partnered life to single parenthood. I’ve done both. It’s not the same. Ever.

Children are not small for long. It's much easier to step a career down than to step it back up again when they're older. What he is earning will buy opportunities for your children

@BuffySummersReportingforSanity

It's not about "prioritising the big important man job". It's about the fact that once upon a time OP clearly loved him for his ambition and drive and focus, when she had her own career. Now things have changed for her and she wants him, essentially, to stop being the things she actively sought out to begin with. Life, and people, don't work that way. Not just that, but she hasn't asked him to, say, make Sundays sacred time or drop a half day or something, she's asked him to quit his job, drop his career, move, and adopt a drastically different lifestyle, all in one go! How many people would be up for that, if the request came from someone else?

Now things have changed for her

Things have changed for them both. They have children now. It's reasonable to expect there will be some compromise on both sides - presumably he wanted these children too.

The thing is, men have to want to stay at home. With the uptake of shared paternity sitting at around 5% (or less, cba to look up the actual figure) there's some pretty compelling evidence out there that being an equal parent does not float most men's boats.

So what can you do? Well, firstly start small. Is he taking all his holiday entitlement? I'm assuming you're not going away this year with having a tiny baby and Covid so why not suggest he takes one day off a week for the rest of the year. Or one day off a fortnight, if that's not feasible. (I think the thing with tinies is the regular contact rather than having two weeks off at once)

If that works, talk to him about compressed hours, or reducing his hours, or even taking back some of his time in lieu. If there's a women's network in work, encourage him to become involved. He could be the senior sponsor and actually lead by example in terms of how he manages his work life balance (the only way for this all to be 'normal' is for men to embrace it as much as women). Find ways to help him benefit at work as well as at home. It doesn't always have to be about giving up his career.

(I am highly aware that the actions above are performative allyship and that not all posters will agree with that, but meh. It might actually help the OP.)

@Oblomov21

This same thread gets repeated. Marrying an investment banker workaholic type and then being lonely. Presumably you didn't have decent emotional and social skills to recognise the red flags earlier. It never ever ends well. Never.

What a smug jibe.

From observation over the years reasons for this include the workaholic partner saying they will change when they have children, becoming a workaholic after children (conveniently avoiding all the crap bits of small DC and dumping the load on the their partner), behaving like an equal partner up until the point DC arrived then expecting nothing to change.

In each case the other partner (usually the mother) is expected to downplay her career and take the financial risk or do the double shift. This is a world away from the situation where a couple have an agreed position and both are happy with the arrangement where one is the proverbial company spouse.

audweb I think there is a world of difference between a divorced couple where both parents work in responsible jobs, things are relatively amicable vi's a vi's the children, maintenance is paid, there are no stepchildren and where the father is reliable compared to a situation where the mother (or father) is left in dire financial straits by someone who is congenitally unreliable and who may also happen to be abusive.

No offence was meant. I haven't lived in your shoes and I fully appreciate that.

There are stresses but it's nothing like being a single parent. I think we can put that to bed.

Op I remember panicking when DH returned to work - and that was pre-pandemic when baby groups etc where still open and minimal booking required.

You've gone from 1 to 2 small children in less than perfect circumstances in the wider world. Give yourself time to settle in. Start contacting old friends and book a few evenings out, walks, anything. You'll find a rhythm.

Any major changes require you both to be fully onboard.

If he likes his job YABU to ask him to give it up. On the other hand you are entitled to make choices of your own if you are not hsppy with your life as it is now.

I have a DH with a demanding job which he loves. There have been some tough times when we have barely seen him for weeks because of long hours, and he's often been stressed and grumpy. It does get easier as children get older and more independent, but that doesn't really help with coping in the shorter term.

My two bits of advice are:

Don't plan things around your dh being available or taking his preferences into account. If you want to go on holiday, redecorate the house, take up ballroom dancing, etc, just get on and do it alone (or with your dcs, family or friends), and let your dh join in if available, but don't make your enjoyment or decision-making dependent on him being there. It can mean you get to do things you wouldn't otherwise have done if you'd had to take your dh's interests and preferences into account.

Make sure you pursue your own passions, not just faciliate your dh being able to do a job he loves. Whether that's a career, study, hobby, volunteering, exercise, etc, just arrange childcare and do it, because you deserve a satisfying life beyond parenthood too.

It took me a long time and a lot of stress and depression to realise I needed to do both of these, but it definitely improved our family life, made me happier and reduced resentment and conflict.

I must say I'm very surprised at the number of posters who are happy for a Dad to be absent from his children's lives in return for money.

Lots of people saying it's not what he wants and you can't make him. But the truth is he's only able to do this because your support is underpinning him. If it's not what you want, give him notice that you'll stop enabling him to carry on regardless of your wishes. You have the right to negotiate a lifestyle that works for both of you. Honestly, if he refuses to compromise, that would be a deal breaker for me.

It isn't in return for money, it's about the mutual respect of each others' needs and compromise for the greater good of all. It's about what makes the team tick. DH's money is a by product of his expertise and workaholism. He had nothing when I married him - at that point all the money was mine. He's just added to it.

I must say I'm very surprised at the number of posters who are happy for a Dad to be absent from his children's lives in return for money

It wouldn't be what I personally want, but there is a long, long tradition of exactly this, and in most cases the kids seem to do fine. There are also many dads whose jobs make them absent for long stretches without the return of much money - police officers, those serving in the military, etc.

Currently in a similar situation (although not as financially well off). OH clocking 100 hour weeks at points. Put on loads of weight, doesn’t exercise like he used to. Just sits at a desk hour after hour. He doesn’t even leave the house mon - Friday. I’m so worried he’s heading for serious illness.

I’ve grown very resentful at picking up all the household stuff and all of the childcare. It’s prevented me from furthering my career, or even arranging nights out with my friends (as he is too busy to tend to DC in the eve of wake up etc).

Luckily he wants a different lifestyle and has agreed to take a job lower down the pecking order. I will see if that actually translates into fewer hours of work.

If he didn’t - I am certain we would end up splitting. If not soon but eventually.

I don’t understand the posters who essentially say - just need to put up with it. By him choosing to work like that he is choosing how you spend your time. Because you have to pick up the slack. That just enraged me - or rather, after many years of being understanding it’s enraged me.

But that’s just me. You need to figure out what you want and where your line in the sand is.

My first marriage broke up as my husband was totally uninvolved and barely saw the children. He never attended a school play or parents evening, he never took them to a medical appointment. Life was much easier when we separated.

No drunk rolling in at midnight, he'd have left for work at 6 am, no looking in the fridge and realising he'd eaten what I'd planned for kids packed lunch, no kids hoping that this might be the night when he comes home from work without a six hour detour to the pub.

I'm sure life with a partner is often easier, in my marriage I really didn't. I was lucky in that I had a well paid job, a small mortgage and he paid maintenance but life was definitely easier for me as a single parent.

I'm sure there are women who had life in a partnership worse than I did, women who live in dread of his mood and violence or never know if there is any money at the end of the week.

I don't think it is as simple as saying one is easier than the other. Every case is different.

My second marriage was very different so I have experience of a variety of situations. I suppose I'd rank it, for me, as life with a supportive partner is easier, life on my own was OK, life with an unreliable absent partner was the worst of all worlds.

@RosesAndHellebores

It isn't in return for money, it's about the mutual respect of each others' needs and compromise for the greater good of all. It's about what makes the team tick. DH's money is a by product of his expertise and workaholism. He had nothing when I married him - at that point all the money was mine. He's just added to it.

Except in the OP's case it isn't about mutual respect and compromise. One partner is prioritising their own wishes and expecting the other to fall in step, pick up the extra load and generally accept less choice and opportunity.

If both partners are not happy with the arrangement it will be an unhappy marriage for at least one of them.

@ancientgran

We've had a terrible 18 months, you have a very new baby. I'd say it probably isn't the best time to make really big life changing decisions. Maybe revisit things in a few months when we hope will be more back to normal. Maybe the pressures in his job will settle down and you will feel differently.

In the meantime if you are comfortably off is it worth getting a bit of help with the house/children. Maybe a bit more time to do things for yourself will help.

I hope it works out for you.

Agree with this.

And it doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

Lots of people work long/stressful hours, not because they are trying to climb a greasy pole, but because their work circumstances demand it… Especially in light of covid, threats of redundancies and other factors. Sometimes you have to put in the extra just to stand still/keep your job and this can cause stress… maybe this is how your husband feels.

We had this tension in our family and although my DH was stressed and working too much (5am-9pm most days) and though I would have supported him making a drastic change, we looked at the situation from every angle - the changes we would have to make (moving house/area etc) and decided that big changes wouldn’t be realistically possible until the kids were all at school. As it is, things settled down by themselves and his work life balance is much better than it was.

In the meantime, I think you need to look at what adjustments can be made to your family life and his work life balance… ensure holiday is taken, get some childcare support for you, book “date days” off together to go out as a couple/family. Maybe draw up some ground rules, that he needs to prioritise being home for bedtime a couple of nights a week or that Sunday is your lie in or dedicated family day etc. Set a time limit (maybe 6months) and if things aren’t getting better then you need to reassess. Newborn weeks are hard and you need to spell out what support you need in the short term… making big career changes aren’t going to happen quickly or help you now anyway.

I do think the covid world has given this a different perspective. DH working in the house when the DC were small would have driven me nuts. Indeed the period when all four of us were at home and working from March 2020 to July 2020 was difficult.

@Ihaventgottimeforthis

I must say I'm very surprised at the number of posters who are happy for a Dad to be absent from his children's lives in return for money.

Some posters, ie me, knew that our husbands were in demanding careers when we married them. I knew exactly what I was getting into, eyes completely open. My DH adores his kids and has recently made some major lifestyle changes (not related to work) that have maximised his time with them. They certainly aren't missing out on anything.

I would just quite like a holiday at some point in the next 4-5 years.

Lots of people saying it's not what he wants and you can't make him. But the truth is he's only able to do this because your support is underpinning him. If it's not what you want, give him notice that you'll stop enabling him to carry on regardless of your wishes. You have the right to negotiate a lifestyle that works for both of you. Honestly, if he refuses to compromise, that would be a deal-breaker for me

This.

I must say I'm very surprised at the number of posters who are happy for a Dad to be absent from his children's lives in return for money
Absent? Where did you get that he is absent. He works a lot. That doesn't mean he is never there for his kids. He sees them at least every weekends, like many kids.

I think this has been blown out of proportion. I am a very independent person and I found the transition from OH at home during his paternity leave to being on my own very tough and lonely for a few days/weeks. I then adjusted and quite often was happy when he went back to work on the monday to have the place for myself.

If OP wrote this when her kids older, and said she'd felt this way since the birth of the second, then maybe that would be concerning, but it isn't when baby is only a few weeks old, hormones are flying about and it's a big transition.

Also OP writes about concerns for his feelings and not being there so much, but he is happy, so it's not an issue for him, only for her, right now.

OP, it will get better, it really will and you'll be very grateful for a nice income when they kids are older. Saying that, your OH might decide one day that indeed, it is all too much for him and he wants to spend more time with you all. Let's hope if that happens you haven't changed your mind 😉

I fully retract my feeling like a single parent comment. I should have worded that better. Maybe ‘I could feel like I have an equal and present co parent’ I’ve not been a single parent so I don’t understand that but with DH working long hours and being difficult to get hold of I don’t generally have him to discuss decisions or parenting choices with. I feel alone but I’m not.

You can't make someone give up their career but you don't have to stay married to them if it isn't compatible with the life you want.

Surely you went into the marriage eyes open to the fact he was in an all consuming career?

It's worth noting that careers like that don't last beyond 50. Unless he is the entrepreneurial type who is going to leave and set up on his own you might find that he goes from being never there to never not. That's a big adjustment that most people don't have to face until 65 plus.

My advice, make your own social life away from him, pay for childcare so that you have a break, and don't make any rash decisions until you are through the toddler years. Once your dc reaches school age you will have a very different life.

The other thing to consider is your DH is obviously very driven and career focussed. Take that away from him and he may well turn into a different person. Depressed, resentful etc

This is a tricky one and you both seem to be coming at it from extremes. He wants to work incredibly hard and not do his share at all in the week. And you want to cut work right back. Surely there is some compromise to be had?

I think people saying you knew what he was like is harsh. Peoples priorities do need to change at least slightly when they have kids. No one knows exactly what it will be like or how hard or easy they will find it but most people go into it realising that they will need to spend at least some time with their kids and do some basic parenting duties in the week.

Unless this was the arrangement that you both discussed prior to having kids, that you would do 100% of stuff at home then he is being shit just expecting you to do his share. If he really can't be there to do it then he needs to sort alternative arrangements (eg nanny) but I dont think that's what you want either.

If he wants to keep the job and the lifestyle...surely he can commit to finishing on time twice a week so that you have overall half your evenings together where he is present and doing some of his share of parenting. If he is in demand for his skills at the moment I don't think it will be to the detriment of his career. No reasonable employer is going to have an issue with anyone leaving at 5 if that's their contracted hours, a couple of times a week, even if the culture is to do more.

@Lonelylooloo

I fully retract my feeling like a single parent comment. I should have worded that better. Maybe ‘I could feel like I have an equal and present co parent’ I’ve not been a single parent so I don’t understand that but with DH working long hours and being difficult to get hold of I don’t generally have him to discuss decisions or parenting choices with. I feel alone but I’m not.

I will go against the grain here and so no you are not being unreasonable, in part. If you were without children, yes you'd be unreasonable. But a part of your posts indicate that you are wanting your dh to spend more time with your dc, with you all as a family, and that his time with his dc at the moment isn't really good enough for them. In relation to the dc, you are not being unreasonable, and you should give his head a wobble. I'd sit down and tell him how important father time is to children, and see if you can work out a compromise on that basis.