To ask DH to give up his career?

[Lonelylooloo]

Please don’t flame me I know I am probably being VU and will accept that if you tell me.

I have a big house, nice car, cleaners and no money worries, I know I’m very very lucky. I also have a DH we rarely see who works long hours in a draining job.
We have two small DC the youngest is just a few weeks old and DH has been on SPL, it’s been so lovely having him around and I don’t mean to sound ungrateful but I’ve realised how lonely and unhappy I am when DH is working.

He goes back tomorrow and Im upset. I want to simplify our lives. We could sell up and purchase a small property cash, reduce our monthly outgoings to less than 1/4 of the current and DH (or I) could work PT to survive comfortably. There’s huge demand for DH’s skills and I have a decent PT job. He could actually spend time with our toddler who adores him and not be miserable and exhausted all the time. I could not feel like a single parent! We are so lucky to have the option to live like this as so many don’t.

I told him how I feel but he doesn’t feel the same. He likes his job and wants this expensive lifestyle. He just kept repeating ‘it’s gonna be ok’ but it’s just me watching him work himself raw and me doing everything with the house/kids alone. This isn’t how I want to live. What’s the point in a big house when he’s never here to enjoy it?

I wanna spend time together with our beautiful kids whilst they’re little.
I want DH to be around to see them grow up and not have had a heart attack before 40!

You are being totally unreasonable, and selfish.

What you’re missing op is he’s not trying to dictate to you how to live. But you are him. He’s told you he doesn’t want to work part time. I would feel th same. Respect his answer.

Yabu to expect anyone, to live their life to suit you. Dc are Young and cheap for a short time. There is more to life than money. Work is very very important to some.

@Bluntness100

What you’re missing op is he’s not trying to dictate to you how to live. But you are him. He’s told you he doesn’t want to work part time. I would feel th same. Respect his answer.

He is though. She imagined parenting together a reasonable amount of time and he’s decided she will be on her own. That’s a significant feature of her life, and solely his choice not hers. It’s not for example something I would ever accept from my dh- it’s not what I signed up for in our marriage and I would feel betrayed. We both worked a lot before kids, but we both wanted children, and that means to me that we are both going to be there for them and make sacrifices re work (not necessarily going part time, but my dh does the pick up every day and will be taking paternity leave, no change to his job from doing this).

We are lucky enough to be in a situation where selling our home would give us about 200k cash to buy a smaller home. Around here that would get us a 3 bed new build semi. We could both work 1-2 days a week and live comfortably on that
For how long though? how much a pension are you going to accumulate working only 1-2 days a week? You're not considering at all that children costs more and more year on year. Do you think your kids will be grateful that you are both around most days when you tell them that no they can't go to football like all their friends because you can't afford it, when they can't go to the school trips, can't buy nicer clothes, have some money to go shopping with their friends etc...

You are only focusing on the very present moment and this is clouding your whole judgement which is probably why your OH is not going with you. Give it 6 months, see how things go and if you still feel the same then. If so, you can discuss it again, but for now, you need to just focus on getting through next week being on your ow at home.

It’s not for example something I would ever accept from my dh- it’s not what I signed up for in our marriage and I would feel betrayed
But OP said she felt like him until now, when she already had one child. She is the one totally changing the goal posts out of the blue. From your account, it should be him complaining that he didn't sign up for this when they married and feel betrayed.

She imagined parenting together a reasonable amount of time and he’s decided she will be on her own.

Did she? Because she says it's her that's changed. But let's say Yes, she imagined. This is their second child. They have discussed it before she knew the answer.

People keep saying he should have expected to change, when they had kids, and why did he have another if he didn't want to.

You could apply that to op. Op says herself it's her that's changed. That does happened. But because it happens for one, doesn't mean it happens for the other.

Op claims she wouldn't mind a drop in lifestyle, I suspect that would be different if she actually experienced it.

And, let's be honest, in a lot of jobs part time working is career suicide. It shouldn't be, but it is.

In my relationship I have the 'big job'. Not a chance would I have got here working PT. And not a chance would I be dropping to PT now because my dp has a new vision for our lives that I don't share.

Op feels lonely and yes, he should be taking his annual leave, ensuring he is home at decent time unless its absolutely necessary. Of course he should. I also suspect he could be better at this but chooses not. Women in big jobs, seem far more able to be there for their kids, than the men in these jobs do.

But Ops 'imaginings' doesn't really correlate to what she knew in real life. She wants to change the plan for their lives, have him work 1-2 days a week, which means his career won't go anywhere, so they can live the life she currently wants.

[quote Justlife45]@enoughforme I agree with you, which is why hindsight is a great thing.

Problem is having a baby (I'm a new mum myself) completely changes your perspective on what's important in life. And guess you've had one it's hard to know this until they are in the picture. Of course it should be obvious on paper but as the op stated by the sounds if it she and her dp where quite happy and content with their lifestyle and both working. However op had a baby and with that a change of heart. Kids really do turn your life upside down. What they both should of known, is that having children does mean committing. And with that comes along the need to accommodate and change. If her dp wasnt willing to let go of his workaholic lifestyle he should of really questioned whether morally it was too selfish or not to bring children into the mix when he doesnt want to change. It's not fair on anyone involved. It's like having your cake and eating it.[/quote]
But this is their second child.

Should op have thought about wether iit was morally selfish to bring another child into the mix?

He is though. She imagined parenting together a reasonable amount of time and he’s decided she will be on her own

How can you write this seriously? When you decide to be a stay at home parent the majority of the time you know full well you won’t be parenting together. And she was fully aware of his working schedule when she decided to have children. There is no way she could have imagined what you’re thinking. She herself is very clear and isn’t saying this, she’s saying she changed, she knew the deal he hasn’t changed nor has his job. She imagined no such thing, that’s what she wants, and to get that she wants him to change.

@Vanilla1Cookies

Sorry YABU. Another poster said this and it’s correct…

Well, that's not what he wants. And apparently you were OK enough with it in the past to marry and get two children in

He likes nice things, his job and he clearly likes having a good income. You knew all this and decided to have 2 kids with him knowing how much he worked.

This is unfair. Not many people know the reality of a husband working long hours and small children to care for.

It's interesting that the vote has come out roughly 50:50 ie both views are understandable.

My question is, how long have these discussions between you lasted? It sounds like you say how you feel, he says "no, I don't agree and don't want to live in a small flat" and that's the end.

What you need is a long talk with you showing your calculations about how you will be able to live. You with ideas of how you could both work and inviting him to suggest his ideas. Perhaps you could meet more in the middle. Maybe it would be a good ideas to find out more about his thinking as he appears miserable but wanting no change .

Most importantly let him know that the way he is working is making him grumpy and unpleasant at home and life could be so much more pleasant .

How many hours does he work op? How much does he see the kids? For me the bit that would upset me is him choosing a fancy house and a nice fortnight somewhere expensive once a year over actually seeing his kids. If hes out most of their waking hours, he might as well not be there.

This is unfair. Not many people know the reality of a husband working long hours and small children to care for..

Op knee what it was like with one child. Then had a second and wa sporting this before he went back after the second.

So I would say pp had a fairly good idea.

Wa Sporting was actually meant to be was posting.

@sst1234

Imagine if a man posted this about asking a woman to give a career she doesn’t want to.

Given the less secure life of some females it is not the same.

Hmmm OP - I don’t think you can ask him to give up his career (and I say that as someone who doesn’t have a career because I’m a SAHM).

It’s so easy, when you’re tired, to think “the grass is always greener,” or “oh for the simple life.” But the grass is not always greener and “simple” can very easily mean dull. Think about it..., if your DH was in a more “dead end” job, you might find you no longer recognise him as the man you married. Would you lose respect for him? Do you really want him mooching round more? You know what they say about too much familiarity....

My DH is a workaholic who often travelled / worked weekends and holidays and there was no end to it. I had no idea what his “working hours” were (still don’t). He’s an entrepreneur, so I just accepted he does what he needs to do. He is fantastic with the kids in his own way and he does things with them that I don’t (like camping, certain sports etc). I never expected him to cut his working hours or do x,y,z in the house. I got a cleaner in for that. I also built up friends and a support network of other mums in the area. I do my thing and let him do his thing and it works for the benefit of the family, to be honest. I could not do what he does in a million years; but there no way he could have been at home with 4 kids either. So we just accept that and get on with it.

As pp said, don’t just think about the here and now. Think about your kids’ future - there will be uni fees and all sorts.

I’m very sorry you’re feeling isolated but there are things you can do which don’t involve asking him to leave his job. Make sure you have a “date night” or whatever you want to call it once a week. Tell him to organise this on a regular basis because you’re too tired with the kids and you want to feel prioritised. Get a cleaner if you haven’t already. Do something you enjoy a couple of times a week - running, Pilates, whatever. You meet so many interesting people in this way. Get friends over with their kids. Then they’ll ask you back and you’ll never be sat there lonely. You won’t have time. The best thing, I think, if you’re home with kids, is that the time is whatever you make it. It’s a fantastic freedom and privilege, to be honest - so embrace it while you can. You have to just live in the moment and be kind to yourself.

I think a relationship is more about “quality” than “quantity” to be honest. Good luck!

Given the less secure life of some females it is not the same.

But if the situation was reversed it would be the same. It would be the man in the less secure life. The fact that other families have women in less secure circumstances is irrelevant to the individual family!

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable.

And I don't like this "well you knew that she you met him" rubbish. People are allowed to change their minds and opinions of they've realised something in their life isn't what they thought.

I don't have any suggestions though, op. It's a difficult situation and all you can really do is keep talking to him about it and try to get out as much as possible to meet new people.