To ask DH to give up his career?

[Lonelylooloo]

Please don’t flame me I know I am probably being VU and will accept that if you tell me.

I have a big house, nice car, cleaners and no money worries, I know I’m very very lucky. I also have a DH we rarely see who works long hours in a draining job.
We have two small DC the youngest is just a few weeks old and DH has been on SPL, it’s been so lovely having him around and I don’t mean to sound ungrateful but I’ve realised how lonely and unhappy I am when DH is working.

He goes back tomorrow and Im upset. I want to simplify our lives. We could sell up and purchase a small property cash, reduce our monthly outgoings to less than 1/4 of the current and DH (or I) could work PT to survive comfortably. There’s huge demand for DH’s skills and I have a decent PT job. He could actually spend time with our toddler who adores him and not be miserable and exhausted all the time. I could not feel like a single parent! We are so lucky to have the option to live like this as so many don’t.

I told him how I feel but he doesn’t feel the same. He likes his job and wants this expensive lifestyle. He just kept repeating ‘it’s gonna be ok’ but it’s just me watching him work himself raw and me doing everything with the house/kids alone. This isn’t how I want to live. What’s the point in a big house when he’s never here to enjoy it?

I wanna spend time together with our beautiful kids whilst they’re little.
I want DH to be around to see them grow up and not have had a heart attack before 40!

Maybe now is an opportunity for him to revisit the reduced working hours option.
If you were both working and he was needed for pick ups and drop offs then he'd absolutely have to make reduced hours/unusual working pattern work.
Things have changed a lot over the past 16 months, no harm in seeing if he'd revisit the option. Even a 9 day fortnight would give him a bit more time with his DCs.

Yanbu but he's got to realise himself I think that lifes too short

I don't think YABU to prefer a different way of life; but, assuming that this is the way your husband has always been, YABU to expect to change him.

Perhaps you could try to persuade him to be at home more during your baby's first few months. He might be more receptive to that if it's presented as adapting to a specific short-term situation, rather than a permanent change in his lifestyle. But I think ultimately you have to either accept him as he is, or break up.

I can see the dilemma. I'd love to go back to work, but DH makes many time what I would get even full-time, and I have been a SAHM for 5 years because the extra hassle of childcare etc affected my ability to do my job properly. With the youngest DC at school I hope to get back into the jobs market.

I think you're very sensible to recognise this now and not let it drift on until you're another 5 years down the road and far more resentful and detached from your DH. IMO a lot of responses you've had reflect the fact that earning money is seen as a legitimate reason to ignore what your family needs - if he was spending hours and hours on a hobby and you felt lonely and upset because of that, the responses you'd get would be very different. It's no uncommon for one partner (almost always the woman in heterosexual setups) to just accept that their partner is away most of the time and that they have to do most child related/household things on their own. Over time what often ends up happening is that there is essentially no partnership - each person is doing their own bit of keeping the family going and barely cooperating on anything. Fast forward a few years and the partner at home feels they have no one to depend on - they are the 'default parent' all the time and their partner knows little or no detail about the house or the children, while the working partner feels disconnected and left out and unable to make their way back into the family. The result is resentment, lack of communication, no teamwork and often leads to the death of the relationship.

You are right to ask your partner to prioritise you and your children. Working all hours, being stressed, not contributing to the running of the family beyond providing money (which, let's face it, it's just as easy to do if you're separated/divorced) is not the way to be a good husband and father. It's just not.

Can he not take longer paternity leave? Most of our friends take at least 2 months as many companies are working on work/life balance. DH took 3 months & it was fab.
Long term you need to decide what you're happy with. Dh earns well but I would not tolerate a role long term that made his miserable & exhausted.

I'd love there to be a change away from the idea that it's acceptable for one parent to basically not be around/be too tired and stressed to do much practical parenting. If you're on the bones of your arse and need to work all hours just to survive, that's unfortunate and can't be helped. But choosing to live a stressed and miserable life is madness.

@Cocomarine

Oh please, just sod off with the “feel like a single parent” crap.

Come back when you have no-one to bounce parenting decisions off and sole financial responsibility, then we’ll talk.

I earn a great salary and I get plenty of breaks. So no one stereotype of a single parent here.

But just - don’t even go there, when you’re not, OK?

His career is important to him and you knew that and were happy with it before. I expect the grass is greener and less money and husband underfoot, bored, wouldn’t actually be that great.

I earn a great salary and I get plenty of breaks.

So in some ways, maybe you have it mentally better than the OP?
Not wanting to start a debate...but getting a break from relentless 24/7 demands of the home and kids, can make a huge difference.

To me , the OP sounds desperately overwhelmed and lonely. She isn't a single parent, as in that she IS married and does have someone earning her money...but mentally, she IS alone..because it sounds like she is doing everything alone.

We all have different circumstances. Some single parents don't get a break AT ALL. Others have their kids 24/7, have zero support network/break/financial security....some people can be married and still feel this way, because of isoaltion, lack of support and financial abuse.

I am going to be the boring one here but have you considered the long term financial implications of this? Yes you can downsize and live a smaller life but have you put away enough for your retirement years at your ages? Also when your children go to university will you be able to support them financially? Also what about helping them get on the housing market?

but getting a break from relentless 24/7 demands of the home and kids, can make a huge difference.

The OP has options though because she has money. I'm not working this week but mine are at an activity camp.

If you are lonely and unhappy, YOU need to make some changes in your life. It's not fair to ask your husband to give up his career.

Why don't you go back to work? It's sounds as though you can afford childcare.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

If you are lonely and unhappy, YOU need to make some changes in your life. It's not fair to ask your husband to give up his career.

Why don't you go back to work? It's sounds as though you can afford childcare.

Well, I dint think it’s as simple as that. It’s not as if the OP is lonely and expects her DH to fill up the gaps. Her issue is that she wants to have more family time and time with her DH. I think it’s a different issue and a big one tbh.

Because if one person in the couple ranks family life and time together very high up and the other ranks money/work/big house etc…. higher up it talks about a very different vision of what life is about.

It certainly not about needing to fill your time with doing some work/seeing friends for coffee.

Read this with interest as I am the one with the job and dh is the sahp to 2 kids.

My job is well paid and financially we are fine but not well off - no mortgage, savings are ok and we don't have to worry day to day but no way could we afford private school, our cars are always second hand and run into the ground, IKEA not John Lewis etc.

I work 50/60 hours per week standard. I love parts of my job and hate other bits. I struggle with boundaries but get a great deal of personal satisfaction and fulfilment from it. I feel a huge amount of pressure being the sole breadwinner and that need to provide keeps me saying yes to things ideally I'd say no to because I can't risk not being thought of as a good performer. I accept there are bits of my kids lives I will miss out on happy dh gets to be there with them.

We talk frequently about rebalancing. I think about going part time and that is the plan in a few years but I'm not ready to yet and dh likes the security of my extra salary. I try to be present when not working, ring fence weekends and annual leave etc. He had a heap of hobbies which keep him occupied and he has his own social circle.

The fact that he considered part time and tried to make it happen indicates to me that he's not checked out or expecting you just to get on with stuff but you have a new baby (congratulations:)) and that's tough. Keep talking to him and consider counselling to help you understand each other.

You’ve just had a baby and we have all just gone through 18 months that I don’t think anyone could have imagined.
I don’t think now is the time to be making any changes/decisions more taxing than shall I have a tuna or cheese sandwich for lunch!
I would park it for now and just try and get through the next six months/ year of sleepless nights.
Then when you are more rested think about what if any changes you would like to make.

@SarahBop that’s exactly my point though. I wasn’t going to tell OP that she isn’t like a single parent because she isn’t “xyz”. Because we’re not a homogenous group. We’re all different. And of course, some of what we go through, we have in common with married people more than we do other single mothers.

But people who trot out that they’re like single parents when they are not single parents really need not to be tone death. Because they really really are not single parents at all.

As another poster said - yeah, some of us get more breaks - but that break can suck when it’s Xmas day 🤷🏻‍♀️.

People who think they’re like a single parent when they do it all, are missing that there are so many other elements to being a single parent. Not all of which are bad!

Bottom line… if you are not a single parent, just talk about your own experience, don’t trot out that you’re like a single parent.

This OP for example has never experienced knowing she’s the sole breadwinner for her child.

YANBU to want more time with him, but YABU to ask him to give up what he clearly loves.
If he doesn't recognise the value in spending more time at home with you and the children over flogging himself, then you trying to make him see isn't going to work, and will only cause resentment.

You can point out the benefits of him cutting down his hours, you downsizing etc. - but until he wants to do it, it's not going to work.

Well YANBU to feel this was but he's certainly not BU to not want to do it. Maybe if he wanted to up hours and be away more , but to keep things the same as they've always been and you knew what that was, you can't expect to change it now. You need to decide if you can live with it or want to split

You are right to ask your partner to prioritise you and your children. Working all hours, being stressed, not contributing to the running of the family beyond providing money (which, let's face it, it's just as easy to do if you're separated/divorced) is not the way to be a good husband and father. It's just not
How self-visionary and controlling.

Firstly, OP hasn't said he was contributing at all. She said she missed him when he works and feels lonely but it didn't take long for posters to equal this to him being useless and doing nothing at all at home.

Secondly, many posters seem to have missed the point that he really enjoys his job.

The reverse would see such a different response. 'I'm a SAHM of two children. My OH works long hours and earn a very good income so that I can be home and we can enjoy a good lifestyle. We've always agreed that I would be a SAHM and it means a lot to me because I really love being with my kids. My second is now at school and my OH is insisting that I go back to work PT because he thinks that we don't earn enough and could do more fun things with my income. I don't want to go back to work, I enjoy being a SAHM and we are doing very well financially. He just wants more luxuries.

How many would say that her OH is entitled to change his mind, entitled to want a change in their life, entitled to demand that she changes her life because it would make him happier even if that's not what she wants. Yet, it's ok to expect OP's OH to change his life, what was the norm before, do something that he is not happy with just because she misses his company?

He’ll always resent you if you ask him.
Just make the most of your weekends and get in paid help during the week if you need.
(I was in exactly the same situation - but DH retired, at 50, a few months ago) having financial stability for your children is great and we can afford for them not to have to pay uni fees and give them a start on the housing ladder.

Wow just wow! I'm a single working parent and you're being insanely unreasonable and ungrateful! If your husband likes his job you can't tell him to give it up just because that's what you want

Sorry only skimmed the thread so this may have been said.

I am the main earner and DH was a SAHD when the DC were young. I am a high earner and earlier in my career worked stupid hours because that was necessary to progress. I am now senior enough to have some flexibility (and can MN when I stop for lunch ).

As the main and at times sole breadwinner I felt huge pressure to provide for the family. It was my responsibility to pay the bills. I wanted to provide the best I could for my DC and give them the opportunities I missed out on. It may be very important to your DH to give your DC a certain standard of living and so your talk of scaling back may be clashing with his goals of supporting his family in a particular lifestyle.

He may feel that scaling back is too risky and may make it harder for him to guarantee that he can continue to support the family if it jeopardises his career. He may also feel that his goals for the family are not being considered.

Its not about who is right or wrong, its about agreeing an approach that meets both your needs.

YANBU at all. I used to think that it was OK for DH to 50% of stuff when he's here, but actually it's not if he just picks and chooses when to be here. (I work too).

We have to expect more of fathers.

I don’t think you really get what children do to your day to day life till you have them. So don’t think people are being entirely fair on OP, I know I didn’t think about it nearly enough.

In theory taking a massive drop in income is great but I imagine the reality would be very different. Would you be able to outsource what you currently do? would both have to do more of the drudge work of life? The whole booking a ridiculously expensive holiday, or things in the shopping cart or just not worrying about money would probably not be exact the same. It sounds like even on reduced wages you could have a nice life, does that include private school helping kids through uni helping them buy property etc which is what I assume the current plan is.

I can’t imagine the level of wealth some of the posters here probably have but I also couldn’t imagine DH not being around as much as he is (bog standard 8-5 job some evenings and weekends). He had to work one day this weekend and I was at the end of my tether.

If he likes what he has he’s not going to change I would get a couple of nannies if I were you amd sort out some activities for yourself. Just outsource as much as you can. I know it can be lonely and it’s so different parenting with someone else there than it is by yourself for the majority of the day.

I don’t think you really get what children do to your day to day life till you have them. So don’t think people are being entirely fair on OP, I know I didn’t think about it nearly enough*
Indeed, you don't, but that's where choices come into it. My friend took to motherhood in a state of shock. She found it hard, lonely, and soul destroying, so even though she had imagined being a SAHM of 3 or 4, she instead decided to stop at 1 and go back to work.

If you don't enjoy your every day life, especially with the luxury of a good family income that allows you to do things and not just stay at home, then don't have more children. Many families do very well with just one child.

I understand how you feel OP. I think I would feel similar in your shoes, as I hugely value spending time with my DH and DC together over the financial rewards either of us working longer hours or in a more stressful role would bring.

Marriage to me is about being kind to your partner, compromising and finding a middle ground which makes the whole family as happy as they can be. I think you and your DH will both have to 'give a little', but I'm sure there has to be an agreement you can reach which means everyone feels that their concerns have been addressed and the balance of time vs money vs happiness is optimal for your family. I hope you manage to find it.