To ask DH to give up his career?

[Lonelylooloo]

Please don’t flame me I know I am probably being VU and will accept that if you tell me.

I have a big house, nice car, cleaners and no money worries, I know I’m very very lucky. I also have a DH we rarely see who works long hours in a draining job.
We have two small DC the youngest is just a few weeks old and DH has been on SPL, it’s been so lovely having him around and I don’t mean to sound ungrateful but I’ve realised how lonely and unhappy I am when DH is working.

He goes back tomorrow and Im upset. I want to simplify our lives. We could sell up and purchase a small property cash, reduce our monthly outgoings to less than 1/4 of the current and DH (or I) could work PT to survive comfortably. There’s huge demand for DH’s skills and I have a decent PT job. He could actually spend time with our toddler who adores him and not be miserable and exhausted all the time. I could not feel like a single parent! We are so lucky to have the option to live like this as so many don’t.

I told him how I feel but he doesn’t feel the same. He likes his job and wants this expensive lifestyle. He just kept repeating ‘it’s gonna be ok’ but it’s just me watching him work himself raw and me doing everything with the house/kids alone. This isn’t how I want to live. What’s the point in a big house when he’s never here to enjoy it?

I wanna spend time together with our beautiful kids whilst they’re little.
I want DH to be around to see them grow up and not have had a heart attack before 40!

I meant - go against the grain and SAY no you are not being unreasonable in part

Well I think lots of people on this thread need a bit of counselling - or perhaps a relook at life.

Our DC are young for such a small length of time - they need us, they adore us, they are extremely hard work. But it goes in the blink of an eye. No corporate representatives will be there at your death bed (your DC might not be either, but when you are on that death bed, will you regret the time you spent with your DC, or the time you spent in endless meetings, talking in circles (I know, I worked in many high pressure multinationals where the "avoid bed time" meeting was common place).

You are not wrong OP but your DH is not on the same page. Perhaps keep the lines of communication open and try alternatives - he could take his full parental leave for example (do you have parental leave in the UK?) - DSis and her DH work full time but will have every Summer off with a combination of parental and unpaid leave - could you aim for this? Or even a month off and no work on weekends?

I think you are correct to expect him to parent his children with you - no money makes up for the fact that a Dad is not interested in parenting his DC. And I know many very wealthy men who manage to be there every weekend to do all the parenting.

@C8H10N4O2

In my experience, the opposite is more likely to be true. This is the more common scenario: a woman marries an investment-banker type that she likes well enough, but would never have married had he been a plumber. She enjoys his company in small doses and his money in large doses, which works out well because he's usually at work anyway. She decides she wants children, and he agrees because he wants her to be happy and isn't opposed to the idea - since he'll still be at work most of the time, he has no reason to be. She decides she wants to quit her job to stay home with the children, and he's fine with it and happy to pay for it, but it does mean he's effectively trapped in his own job. Then she decides he needs to be home more, spend more time with the kids, do more of the chores, or whatever. That's often where he draws the line, because all those other things that she wanted and he gave her are the reason he can't reduce his hours. Or sometimes he does what she wants, loses his job for it, and then she gets mad because now they're not rich anymore.

I'm not saying OP is like that. But this is very often how these things work out. The husbands are usually far from perfect, but the wives' expectations are often unreasonable and sometimes impossible.

You're not unreasonable to crave a simpler life but your husband obviously likes his job. What you do for a living is very important and it's unrealistic to expect someone to give up a challenging, albeit exhausting, career.

It's a bit extreme to think of your husband having a heart attack before 40. Yes it happens but most people don't. He will get fed up of the rat race one day, just not yet.

I'm sorry you feel as you do but that isn't unusual when you've not long had a baby.

When your baby is a bit older maybe you can find something that interests you outside of the home, or are you planning to return to work at some stage?

I'm so sorry about how you feel but think there is nothing any of us can suggest that will alleviate the feeling. It will just take its own time. I hope you at least have some people whom you see and with whom to have conversations, a laugh etc.

In the meantime you have my sympathy.

Sounds normal to me. If one parent works they can’t be at home at the same time. Usually the sahp ends up feeling alone and dumped on. And guilty that the working partner is working so much. The difference is you can totally change this as you are in fortunate circumstances. But it’s not what dh wants. You need to figure out why it’s not what he wants. Then go from there ....

@RosesAndHellebores

No offence meant *@Hekatestorch*. I do appreciate all of that although I do recall life being very easy when DH was in NY pretty much for 18 months. It really was one less to look after and no worries about absolute tidiness (he likes everything in its place). But yes I do realise there were no money worries and if there had been an absolute crisis he'd have been on a flight home in a heartbeat. At this level though I do think there may be a different definition of crisis from family to family and if I had been admitted to hospital for, say appendicitis, ie, non life threatening alternative arrangements would have been made.

See you say its different. Then say that him being gone for 18 months made life easier. What does that actually mean? How does that compare to a single parent? Are you saying a single parent has it quite easy because there's one less person to clean up after?

Firstly, if your dh is hardly home anyway. It wouldn't have made a huge difference.

And you husband was on the end of a phone. Theres someone to make decisions with, even if its just to talk it through. And either you didn't work, which makes lives a lot easier (but not something most single parents can do) or you worked and had one decent or good or great wage and one great wage to help out. So, if you were in hospital, bills would still be paid.

You would be able to afford home help for recovery and look after your children if he didn't come home. You wouldn't have to be relying on friends and family to help if they could or face putting your kids in Foster care.

I don't, actually, take offence. But I think its patronising to explain how your life is like a single parent, to people who have been or are single parents. Then giving examples of how, you think your life is like a single parent, when the examples show, how your life isn't like a single parent at all.

If you haven't been in a position, you don't understand it. Which is fine, but don't pretend that you do know.

@PurpleOkapi

I have seen the scenario you describe played out numerous times in my peer group. Can't say I am hugely sympathetic when these individuals who willingly reduced their independence by working part time or not at all, reduced the burden of childcare and running a household via cleaners, nannies, gardeners etc to later complain about the hours their DH is working to keep the while show financially on the road. Certainly from my observations these are the same people who would not have looked twice at a more time rich but lower paid man as a potential partner.

The other thing to consider is your DH is obviously very driven and career focussed. Take that away from him and he may well turn into a different person. Depressed, resentful etc

Meanwhile OP feels depressed and resentful. But so what, eh? Women just have to suck it up.

I think how you feel when you have a very new baby is not necessarily how you feel 3/6/12 months later.

Just breathe! No decisions need to be made right now.

I think lots of posters on here are missing the bigger picture.
Yes ops dp has a choice based on his lifestyle but he also CHOSE to have children. And that also warrants some responsibility from him.

If his lifestyle is so hectic he is basically vacant from their lives and missing out on quality time with them he has a responsibility to sort out that balance more. Having a workaholic parent is never healthy and usually results in alot of loneliness. OP shouldn't have to feel like she is parenting on her own. And I think covid has given lots of us a wake up call as to what is truly important, family. if there is way that her dp can cut down his work and they are still financially okay it's not right for him to ignore that for his own wants and needs when he has dependant children in the mix.

He needs to put them first too over his expensive lifestyle

YANBU OP.

I don't mean to be harsh but you do not feel like a single parent. I am one and it is and was just me earning all the money, paying for everything, juggling everything, being responsible for everything.

I understand that you are lonely and want to see more of him but he does not want to give up his job and his lifestyle so you will have to choose between this and splitting up.

Stop with the single parent analogy. I have been a single parent in a highly paid very demanding job. No help from family or the father. Not complaining, firstly because in a way I chose it, and secondly because it was short lived. But it's nothing like having someone else bring in the money.

I'm very well aware that for a long long period of time that men have never been expected to be around for their children and that the vast vast majority of childcare and housework falls to the mother. It's what underpins the patriarchy isn't it.
I'm sure many kids are 'fine' only having quality time with their fathers 'most' weekends, doesn't mean it is in their best interests at all. And they are 'fine' because the mothers pick up the pieces and run themselves into the ground.
The OP may well not have realised what a difference actually having children makes to your family life and balance. I don't think it's unreasonable for her to be unhappy and to ask her DH to consider a change - it's what we do in partnerships isn't it.
Totally agree it is up to what works for each family, and I'm sure a lot of men will easily be able to brush away a mild regret that they missed their children's growing up and consigned their wives to decades of housebound drudgery and loneliness. Probably as they are consoling themselves with a daily round of golf in their early retirement as the children have gone off to uni with barely a backward glance.
Of course I'm exaggerating as it is not what we have chosen. But honestly I see many people working themselves into the ground, only seeing their children for a day or so a week, and then collapsing with a breakdown when they're in their forties and for what?

Is he making you be a SAHM against your wishes? It doesn't sound like he is.

Firstly yes I feel YABU.

You need to give your head a shake, realise how lucky and privileged you are.

The idealism of all the family time sounds lovely I am sure, however when you have to give up the majority of what you have would you cope with that.

And please don't give the 'I feel like a single parent' - unless you have done it alone paid for everything alone, took sole responsibility no you do not feel like a single parent. For the record I am not a single parent either, DH works away, we have nowhere near your lifestyle or money, I have the DC myself the majority of the time and also work FT. But I am still not a single parent.

Build your social network, meet up with friends, take DC out, visit family and arrange to spend family/couple time together when he is not working.

Being so dependent on DH to make you not be lonely is unhealthy.

I feel alone but I’m not.
In some ways that can be worse than actually being alone.

Instead of jumping to the solution of DH giving up his career, ask him to think about your situation and how things could be improved, which might be by alterations to his career.

Being presented with the possible solution, which he doesn't want, reduces the chance of him giving proper consideration to what's upsetting you.

Well he’s showing he is not a team player. Your marriage should be about team work and meeting everyone’s needs.

What will happen if you go back to work? Will you be expected to organise all childcare and cover all sick days? He needs to pull his weight. He chose to have children too and he should be thinking about what they need as well as what he needs. And kids need a happy mum and a dad who is not grumpy and stressed the whole time.

I would not ask him to give up his career but I would be asking him some questions about how he sees family life and what he intends to do to meet the needs of the other members of his family. He couldn’t continue in his job if you were not doing what you are doing and he needs to recognise that and value that

Women just have to suck it up

You think only men are career focused?

@RadandMad

The other thing to consider is your DH is obviously very driven and career focussed. Take that away from him and he may well turn into a different person. Depressed, resentful etc

Meanwhile OP feels depressed and resentful. But so what, eh? Women just have to suck it up.

I think the difference here is that the husband is doing everything the same way he's always done it, which is exactly what OP should have expected when she married him and had children with him. OP's the one who decided to change her lifestyle, which in turn changed her feelings about his lifestyle, and now expects him to change his lifestyle to accommodate her changed feelings. That doesn't mean it's fine for him to completely ignore her feelings, but he's not obligated to completely upend his entire life just because it took her a few years to many to realize she doesn't actually want the life that she knew being married to him would entail.

Our DC are young for such a small length of time - they need us, they adore us, they are extremely hard work. But it goes in the blink of an eye. No corporate representatives will be there at your death bed
Working FT and long hours doesn't mean you can't be a good parent though. Physical presence is only one part f parenting. Then you have the other parts. The devotion to give them things that will make their life and future better. Giving them emotional attention, educating them about life, even if it's only for a bit at weekend, or during holidays, and showing them another good role model that might be an inspiration to them. You don't need to witness every moment of their lives to value it.

Meanwhile OP feels depressed and resentful. But so what, eh? Women just have to suck it up

That's not what people are saying, why systematically fall into the victim mode. What we are saying is that there are other means to beat the feeling of loneliness than just having her partner at her side for half of the time.

We don't even know what his career is? What if he is a surgeon? Over 10 years of studying, and then what? It's difficult to be a surgeon PT. Hospitals need you to be available as much as possible, patients don't pick to have surgery when it suits the surgeon. There is then all the time to do research, train etc...

This is very different to say being a high earning accountant, when you could work for yourself and just pick to have a smaller portfolio, but even then, availability and reputation based on availability is often key to success.

@BuffySummersReportingforSanity

Life changes when you have kids and he should be more open to working around family life now that he's a parent - he decided to have kids as well, presumably!

There are plenty of women for whom this is basically the ideal scenario. They're funded enough to do whatever they like, they rule the house without having to have an annoying husband underfoot, and as long as the DH turns up occasionally for special occasions they're basically happy.

I'm not saying the OP has to accept this, she gets to set her own boundaries. But when you marry a man who has always been very driven and works long hours for a big salary... I think you probably know what you're getting, basically, and it's not someone who's going to quit to push the pram or go PT so he can take them to the beach a lot.

Why does no one say this about career-driven, high-earning women though? You see it all the time on here "I had a Big Job before kids and earned more than DH, then I went part time/became a SAHM and now he earns 85 times what I ever could". Why? Why does nobody look at women like that and say to her male partner "well, don't expect her to give up work and push a pram around, you know what she's like, you better prepare to be a SAHD!"

Expectations for men are so, so, so depressingly low. God forbid a man takes time to parent his own children. So what if it means a smaller house and fewer cars and holidays? Reading between the lines, I doubt a downsizing of lifestyle would put this family on the breadline. We really, as a society, need to shake up our expectations of parenting and family life and make it the default that men are expected to step up and do their fair share, rather than expecting that women will be the ones to take the majority, if not all, of the hit.

I don't think that a few weeks after childbirth is the best time to be making life-changing decisions tbh.

But I do think it sounds like the right time for you and dh to open and maintain a dialogue about what the future holds for you all.

Is he as worried as you about his health? When are you planning to return to work, if you are? What happens at the weekends - is he working all the time then as well? Would wfh some of the time be an option for him, to reduce commuting time and let him spend more time with the children? Does he even want to spend more time with the children?

Only you and dh can sort this out, although you might find couples counselling helpful.

At the moment, you're poles apart but if your relationship is strong enough, you'll be able to find a workable middle ground.

@PurpleOkapi but your lifestyle changes when you have children. Everyone knows that. You cant thing to bring another human into the world and selfishly keep to the same ways you have been doing before them. You have to adjust and accommodate. Having children is about sacrificing and comprising. It seems op has realised that but her husband doesnt.
This is meant to be a website based on women and mothers. I'm surprised so many still think that it's okay for the husband to have this none present role in their children's lives and choose work over them. We arent living in the olden days anymore.

As parents the have a responsibility to balance their work life with family if they can afford to, which op has made clear they can.

Ask him to give up his career by all means, but be fully prepared to go to work full time yourself to make up the difference.

Did she "decide" to change her lifestyle though or was it implicitly assumed? What if she'd carried on as her DH has done, gone back to work as soon as physically possible after giving birth, and carried on as if nothing had changed? Would the DH have cut down his hours and done the parenting without any discussion, as has seemingly happened here? It's hardly a free decision is it, when women so easily fall into this role without men even giving it a moment's consideration. What if SHE was the surgeon and has now dropped to another, part-time medical role, because she implicitly considered her kids? Why isn't the same expected of men?