To ask DH to give up his career?

[Lonelylooloo]

Please don’t flame me I know I am probably being VU and will accept that if you tell me.

I have a big house, nice car, cleaners and no money worries, I know I’m very very lucky. I also have a DH we rarely see who works long hours in a draining job.
We have two small DC the youngest is just a few weeks old and DH has been on SPL, it’s been so lovely having him around and I don’t mean to sound ungrateful but I’ve realised how lonely and unhappy I am when DH is working.

He goes back tomorrow and Im upset. I want to simplify our lives. We could sell up and purchase a small property cash, reduce our monthly outgoings to less than 1/4 of the current and DH (or I) could work PT to survive comfortably. There’s huge demand for DH’s skills and I have a decent PT job. He could actually spend time with our toddler who adores him and not be miserable and exhausted all the time. I could not feel like a single parent! We are so lucky to have the option to live like this as so many don’t.

I told him how I feel but he doesn’t feel the same. He likes his job and wants this expensive lifestyle. He just kept repeating ‘it’s gonna be ok’ but it’s just me watching him work himself raw and me doing everything with the house/kids alone. This isn’t how I want to live. What’s the point in a big house when he’s never here to enjoy it?

I wanna spend time together with our beautiful kids whilst they’re little.
I want DH to be around to see them grow up and not have had a heart attack before 40!

For those saying the op has no idea knowing what it's like to be a single parent, whilst I agree that is true for some aspects of this lifestyle it is not wholly true. Examples:

1. Children being admitted to hospital and having to get a friend to collect the well one and look after them (DH in court)

1. Went into labour with DS2 at 27 weeks and by the time a message got to DH, he had been born and DH arrived shortly afterwards.

1. Divorced friends actually got breaks when their dc went to their fathers' and breaks from Friday night until Sunday night.

I do appreciate it isn't the same but my grown up dc have been known to quip "Well mum might as well have been a single parent when we were little".

I totally get it. Spending time with the ones you love is way more important than material things like expensive cars and a luxury lifestyle. Having someone to talk to and help with bedtime in the evening over the course of a year is worth several holidays to exclusive resorts - though not everyone would agree!

What I would say is that you've had an idyllic two weeks which may not reflect reality, your circumstances may change in some way that causes financial hardship, such that you will be grateful for a full-time wage, and the reality of living with less money is likely to be much harder than you realise now. But I think you can encourage him to find a job that is less stressful. It might take him a while to come round to the idea but you can plant the seed. In the meantime, do what you can to manage your own feelings - get family up for a week at a time for company, forge a network of mums and helpers, and make sure you get time off to do the things you love too.

As PP have said you can't really ask or expect this of your DH. It sounds like work is a big part of his identity and it's not fair to ask anyone to give that up.

You may well be right that all of you would be happier, though. I think it would be fine to start a conversation about downsizing, rebalancing his work/family life. It may well be a very long-term conversation. He may not realise what his options are, or simply never thought it possible because it's not in his life script. But while you can plant the seed, ultimately this is his decision alone.

I do appreciate it isn't the same but my grown up dc have been known to quip "Well mum might as well have been a single parent when we were little".

I take your point that you were carrying the full mental load at home and your DH was missing for a lot of important occasions. In my case there are no weekends elsewhere for DS, there is only one household income (mine), I help to care for my elderly parents so DS has to come with me for that. The difference is - most of the time, not always- a shared income or sometimes a joint income and a partnership where you are a team. Again, that's in relationships that work well.

OP, have you ever actually lived at the income level you're suggesting you and DH downsize to? I'm assuming you haven't done so with kids. Just as an example, it's easy to say things like "We don't really need a five-bedroom on three acres - we can sell up and live in a two-bedroom townhouse for much less," and that's true, but there are major downsides to that move that won't be obvious if you've never lived in an attached home. It's easy to say "We don't really need hired cleaners," but that means you (and DH) will have to do all the cleaning yourself. If you're not doing that currently, you're probably underestimating the time and work involved. It's easy to say "We don't need to eat out or order food so often," but that means you or DH will need to prepare every meal. Your plan involves you continuing to work part-time, so you're not going to have any additional time in which to do all this extra work. Plus, your DH has made clear that he'd rather pay others to do those things than do them himself, so even if you succeed in convincing him to quit his job to make you happy, he's likely to see it as unfair if you expect him to do half of the additional chores that he was opposed to creating. I wouldn't expect much help from him in that department.

I don't know how much you two are earning now, but unless he's Warren Buffett, reducing your expenses by 75% (!) will be a tremendous lifestyle change whose magnitude I suspect you're underestimating.

@RosesAndHellebores

For those saying the op has no idea knowing what it's like to be a single parent, whilst I agree that is true for some aspects of this lifestyle it is not wholly true. Examples:

1. Children being admitted to hospital and having to get a friend to collect the well one and look after them (DH in court)

1. Went into labour with DS2 at 27 weeks and by the time a message got to DH, he had been born and DH arrived shortly afterwards.

1. Divorced friends actually got breaks when their dc went to their fathers' and breaks from Friday night until Sunday night.

I do appreciate it isn't the same but my grown up dc have been known to quip "Well mum might as well have been a single parent when we were little".

I am sorry, I disagree.

1. Plenty of 2 parent families would have to do that though. In an emergency, one parents may not be able to get there regardless of their job. They may not drive, work far way etc. But at the end of the day there's still another parent that can come later. Or even offer emotional support. As a 2 parent family, with one good earner. You are less likely to be worrying that you aren't getting paid, while you are in the hospital with your child. Therefore wondering how you will pay the bills.

2, That must have been very scary. But your dh did arrive. Imagine how much worse that would have been if there was no dh to arrive at a later time.

3, Having a 'break' isn't really having a break. The same bills need to be paid. It doesn't take off the emotional or financial responsibilities. Actually not seeing your kids is very hard. Often the time is filled up with doing things you can't do when they are there. Including a lot of boring chore type tasks. So that when the kids come back to actually get time with them around your work

In a couple where one is a high earner, you can afford child care or just a baby sitter for a few hours.

And that's assuming, the ex actually sees the children AND is reliable.

Well it’s clear that he looked into PT work and it’s not possible. I think you signed up to this life and he doesn’t want to change. You need to encourage him to set boundaries with work and to pull his weight when he’s at home. I’d much rather your situation though than both having no choice but to work.

Eh, I gave up asking and got a career of my own, new hobbies and a new social life. No more loneliness!

In the end, you can't make them want to spend time with you and your family. Some just want to work themselves into an early grave. Gotta just let 'em.

@Thesheerrelief

There seem to be a lot of posts prioritising the big important man job over the needs of the rest of the family. Is it not important for him to spend time with his family and do some parenting? There can be a compromise here which could suit them better. Him opting out of family life shouldn't be the only option .

@RosesAndHellebores

For those saying the op has no idea knowing what it's like to be a single parent, whilst I agree that is true for some aspects of this lifestyle it is not wholly true. Examples:

1. Children being admitted to hospital and having to get a friend to collect the well one and look after them (DH in court)

1. Went into labour with DS2 at 27 weeks and by the time a message got to DH, he had been born and DH arrived shortly afterwards.

1. Divorced friends actually got breaks when their dc went to their fathers' and breaks from Friday night until Sunday night.

I do appreciate it isn't the same but my grown up dc have been known to quip "Well mum might as well have been a single parent when we were little".

Might as well have been is different to being a single parent. Also 'got breaks', I'm sure they weren't as pleasant when they fell on birthdays, Christmases, spending time with another woman and people you rightly had zero say over- its not just ah put your feet up and relax necessarily, I hate that attitude. There is a difference from being in a couple, usually sharing financial income and assets, and one person deciding to prioritise working or whatever, then being alone, often fighting for maintenance, not having someone at the end of the phone necessarily in case, and it affects all future relationships by already having children. It's really ignorant, sorry.

@Booboobadoo

There seem to be a lot of posts prioritising the big important man job over the needs of the rest of the family. Is it not important for him to spend time with his family and do some parenting? There can be a compromise here which could suit them better. Him opting out of family life shouldn't be the only option .

Well he tried for part time and was turned down, so he hasn’t just opted out.

We've had a terrible 18 months, you have a very new baby. I'd say it probably isn't the best time to make really big life changing decisions. Maybe revisit things in a few months when we hope will be more back to normal. Maybe the pressures in his job will settle down and you will feel differently.

In the meantime if you are comfortably off is it worth getting a bit of help with the house/children. Maybe a bit more time to do things for yourself will help.

I hope it works out for you.

@RosesAndHellebores

Spoken like someone with no clue whatsoever what it is to single parent. Your post is beyond insulting.

OP - there is some compromise to be found, I’m sure. Your life is nowhere near that is a single parent.

@Lonelylooloo

Thank everyone I needed my head wobbling

It’s me who has changed, pre covid and kids I was all about working for the nice lifestyle too but I guess my priorities changed in the last year, not DH’s fault. He says he likes his job but it doesn’t look or feel that way he’s always exhausted and a bit depressed over it which isn’t fun to be around.

DH has been busier and working even more since covid, which will hopefully calm down soon. He did request PT hours but it was complicated and after discussions with work felt it wasn’t possible. I got deflated as briefly thought things would be great.

@BuffySummersReportingforSanity that’s a logical suggestion but I don’t think I could keep it up. I’m not built to live parallel lives, DH is my best friend. Probably will have to expand my social circle. A lot of the women around here are in the same situation as me and I know they’d befriend me if I wanted.

It sounds like he has tried then if he has asked for part time hours.

Before you had children did you have a discussion about what you both wanted/ thought it would look like? What did you agree? Most people have these conversations when TTC.

If he always planned to carry on working this much and you knew about it then you are being a little unreasonable here because it was the plan all along.

If you didn't really talk about it or he told you he would try to be around a bit more, then it's not unreasonable at all to expect things to change a little bit after kids, that's a natural progression of becoming a parent.

My husband is a workaholic too, but I completely understand why because of the industry he works in and how competitive it is. When he has a project on the go his mind is elsewhere until it's wrapped. Then his mind is seeking out new projects. He hasn't had a single day in the last three years where he hasn't answered emails or phone calls.

We haven't been on holiday since 2017.

I don't know the answer op but I do sympathise. I don't think I could ask my DH to quit his job because it's part of his identity, but I do wish he could switch off sometimes.

No offence meant @Hekatestorch. I do appreciate all of that although I do recall life being very easy when DH was in NY pretty much for 18 months. It really was one less to look after and no worries about absolute tidiness (he likes everything in its place). But yes I do realise there were no money worries and if there had been an absolute crisis he'd have been on a flight home in a heartbeat. At this level though I do think there may be a different definition of crisis from family to family and if I had been admitted to hospital for, say appendicitis, ie, non life threatening alternative arrangements would have been made.

I would see what you can do to help alleviate loneliness. As others said join mum and baby groups. As money isn't an issue get help with childcare as it suits. Persue some hobbies/groups/interests just for you and make new social contacts there.

Once you feel happier with your social life evaluate the situation and see if there are any minor changes DH could do which could work without giving up his career.

If difficult persue counselling but I would see how much you can tinker round the edges first as there's so many options the money opens up. But there might be underlying issues money can't solve which you might need to explore eventually.

Spending time with the ones you love is way more important than material things like expensive cars and a luxury lifestyle
Spending time with the one you love and are HAPPY is more important. During these two weeks OP' OH was happy so they had a great time. It would be a very very different experience if he felt resentful and frustrated.

All OP has mentioned for wishing that he worked less hours is her loneliness. He is not full responsible for making her not feel lonely. She has a huge responsibility to change how she feels and many options to do so. She doesn't solely need him to stop feeling lonely and expecting it knowing that he has to give up something that is very important to him is selfish.

Yes he is responsible for his family and at the moment, he is fulfilling this by bringing up a nice income that offers them security, comfort and luxuries. That's giving quite a lot.

@Booboobadoo

There seem to be a lot of posts prioritising the big important man job over the needs of the rest of the family. Is it not important for him to spend time with his family and do some parenting? There can be a compromise here which could suit them better. Him opting out of family life shouldn't be the only option .

The "big important man job" appears to be what's paying for everything here, so it's not quite that simple. I agree that they should both try to find a compromise - maybe a different job with fewer hours for slightly less money, but still full-time - but that wasn't the question OP asked.

It's not about "prioritising the big important man job". It's about the fact that once upon a time OP clearly loved him for his ambition and drive and focus, when she had her own career. Now things have changed for her and she wants him, essentially, to stop being the things she actively sought out to begin with. Life, and people, don't work that way. Not just that, but she hasn't asked him to, say, make Sundays sacred time or drop a half day or something, she's asked him to quit his job, drop his career, move, and adopt a drastically different lifestyle, all in one go! How many people would be up for that, if the request came from someone else?

@Quartz2208

You are asking the wrong question. He needs to get his work life balance right to suit him and the family needs including yours. The fact that he managed to have SPL and the sky didnt fall in on the job means the long hours are probably just as much down to him

I think you need to say to him no its no ok. You are not ok. You cannot go on doing this like this he needs to spend time with you and give you a break

I agree that it has to be joint and not just his decision as the impact if on the whole family. His decision to pursue the big career or the high salary effectively blocks career progression for the OP and constrains life for the whole family.

I would want to revisit the reasons for not being able to do some reduction in hours - its pretty common these days even in senior roles. Is he actually driven by the money or the career progression?

Take your time and have the discussions and look for a middle path which both of you can support. Its not reasonable to say "he was like that when you met him so you have to put up with it" - we all have to change and adjust when children come along.

This same thread gets repeated. Marrying an investment banker workaholic type and then being lonely. Presumably you didn't have decent emotional and social skills to recognise the red flags earlier. It never ever ends well. Never.

I think you need couple counselling around that subject.

Yes you can extend you social circle, act as if you were single expect from the times when he is actually present (physically and in mind).
But if what you really want out of life is what you describe, you will only grow resentful about the whole set up.
So I’d say, get some counselling and find a middle ground/understanding of each other before either of you start to be truly unhappy.

DH is my best friend.

This is your issue, OP. Finances aside it's not healthy or fair to expect your spouse to fulfil all of your social and emotional needs. You need to have sources of social and emotional support outside of your marriage. To be blunt, you need to make and cultivate some friendships.