To ask DH to give up his career?

[Lonelylooloo]

Please don’t flame me I know I am probably being VU and will accept that if you tell me.

I have a big house, nice car, cleaners and no money worries, I know I’m very very lucky. I also have a DH we rarely see who works long hours in a draining job.
We have two small DC the youngest is just a few weeks old and DH has been on SPL, it’s been so lovely having him around and I don’t mean to sound ungrateful but I’ve realised how lonely and unhappy I am when DH is working.

He goes back tomorrow and Im upset. I want to simplify our lives. We could sell up and purchase a small property cash, reduce our monthly outgoings to less than 1/4 of the current and DH (or I) could work PT to survive comfortably. There’s huge demand for DH’s skills and I have a decent PT job. He could actually spend time with our toddler who adores him and not be miserable and exhausted all the time. I could not feel like a single parent! We are so lucky to have the option to live like this as so many don’t.

I told him how I feel but he doesn’t feel the same. He likes his job and wants this expensive lifestyle. He just kept repeating ‘it’s gonna be ok’ but it’s just me watching him work himself raw and me doing everything with the house/kids alone. This isn’t how I want to live. What’s the point in a big house when he’s never here to enjoy it?

I wanna spend time together with our beautiful kids whilst they’re little.
I want DH to be around to see them grow up and not have had a heart attack before 40!

Thank everyone I needed my head wobbling

It’s me who has changed, pre covid and kids I was all about working for the nice lifestyle too but I guess my priorities changed in the last year, not DH’s fault. He says he likes his job but it doesn’t look or feel that way he’s always exhausted and a bit depressed over it which isn’t fun to be around.

DH has been busier and working even more since covid, which will hopefully calm down soon. He did request PT hours but it was complicated and after discussions with work felt it wasn’t possible. I got deflated as briefly thought things would be great.

@BuffySummersReportingforSanity that’s a logical suggestion but I don’t think I could keep it up. I’m not built to live parallel lives, DH is my best friend. Probably will have to expand my social circle. A lot of the women around here are in the same situation as me and I know they’d befriend me if I wanted.

You lost me at the single parent comment.
It really irritates me when husbands work a lot and the wife says she feels like a single parent.
You have no idea what it is like to be a single parent, no idea.

I think yabu. He likes his job and he provided you with an enviable lifestyle because of it. You need to work harder on having friends and things to do when he's not around.
I'm sure you wouldn't be as happy as you think you would be once you'd downgraded your lifestyle.

My view is that every time you have a baby is a good time to revisit this whole balancing act as a couple and have some very frank discussions about both of your views, and how you can compromise as a team so that both partners are as happy as possible with the set-up.

We have 3 DC. I went part-time after the first and was part-time after the second (3 days p/w, kids went to nursery). When we had the third, we had a long discussion about how we wanted our family life to look and we readjusted again. I went self-employed which meant I could do school drop offs and pick ups. DH dropped hours to 4 days per week. That involved some 'personal risk' to him/his job because very few men in his position in his organisation (management) go part-time, though the women do! That was 10 years ago and he is still part-time and doesn't work on Fridays. When the kids were small he had them on Fridays and I got a long working day in. He also WFH whenever possible which at least saved commuting time. Also he has bought back extra holiday where possible, and taken advantage of the weeks of unpaid parental leave that you can take for each child until they are 18. Overall he has worked much less than he would have in order to spend more time with the kids while they were young. (They're now not so young and we find it just as valuable to have the time at home).

I wonder if you could talk about it in less scary terms than 'giving up his career' and see if there are practical smaller steps that would improve your quality of life? Even changing the pattern of holiday you take (eg he takes Fridays off for a month or two when he first goes back) might make this transition period easier?

I’m sorry but you can’t ask him to quit his job and stay home as you’re lonely. If you’re lonely uou need to find a solution to sort that. Be it work, friends, hobbies, anything

If my husband had suggested this to me, can you quit your job ans stay home as I’m lonely, there’s no way I’d have agreed and I’d have lost a lot of respect for him. I’m sorry,

OP when do you plan to return to work? Maybe at that point you could become more of an equal working unit - you'd be bringing in money, paying for the pensions etc and you could have a more balanced life together?

@QuitMoaning

You lost me at the single parent comment. It really irritates me when husbands work a lot and the wife says she feels like a single parent. You have no idea what it is like to be a single parent, no idea.

I agree. Not sure if it was the single parent comment or the “wanna” “gonna” that made me lose all sympathy for the OP.

Actually can’t believe the replies here - “you knew what he was like before kids”. So it’s fine for men’s lives to carry on completely unchanged after kids is it? It bloody shouldn’t be! Why should OP, or more generally, women, always be the ones to make sacrifices? She clearly says he’s hardly ever there for the kids, and people here are just blindly accepting that this is fine? Nah. They’re his kids too and he should be doing his fair share of parenting alongside OP. Maybe that means he cuts down his hours and she ups hers to even things out. Maybe it doesn’t have to mean any big lifestyle compromises if they both work PT. but why is this set-up so unquestioningly accepted? Yes, the division of labour should be discussed before having kids but it shouldn’t be assumed that the default is the dad will carry on exactly as before and nothing will change for him. The bar is so low for fathers! It should be expected that he’ll have to make sacrifices and do some parenting too!

YANBU OP to want a better balance. You can’t force him, but I would continue to discuss the issue and point out the inequity of the current situation. And definitely keep up your own job and develop your social life.

I suppose the crux of it is that what you might be content with now because of the age of the children, would you still be happy with when they're at school and beyond. It's okay to romantize downsizing and cutting back so everyone can play happy families, but the reality of that isn't just more time with dad- it's resentment probably brewing, perhaps financial worries which are stressful, and then when they're not at home as much maybe the sacrifice doesn't seem as worth it. The ideal would be to find more of a balance, could you find full time work and then the additional money allows him to cut back a bit?

@SpiderinaWingMirror

You have a baby a few weeks old. Now is not the time to make these decisions. Start small. Make sure he takes his holiday entitlement.

This.

Your emotions are probably all over the place at the moment.

Ignore all the people saying, ' You knew what he was like when you married him and had kids with him!' Having kids does change your life and priorities dramatically, and few can really predict what it is like before they have kids. Also, people do change as they go through life. That is just normal.

You are entirely reasonable to want things to change. Your want a meaningful relationship more than you want a luxury lifestyle. Your H is busy and fulfilled so he will have no idea what life feels like for you.
From his point of view, there is nothing missing, and nothing that needs fixing.

However, you can't change him. If this life does not work for you, you need to consider if you need to leave and find someone you can have a real relationship with, based on spending time together.

OP, you are in the maelstrom of a new baby and the upheaval that brings and scarce time as you have a toddler to care for too.

From experience, and DH was, is, a workaholic, his professional life was a non negotiable albeit something I knew from the very beginning. Out of the house before 7am, back after 9pm inevitably (and no long commute). At very busy times he would work weekends too although my Saturday morning became sacrosanct. It wasn't unusual during a really big case that he would book into an hotel near work Sunday to Thursday so he could just focus (probably 4 times a year). Unlike you I was a SAHM at this stage.

I would recommend the following:

1. Get an au-pair so you have a little freedom to make a life.
2. Find a book club/church/tennis club/ to get involved in and make a life for yourself - I did all three.
3. Keep up your part-time work if it suits but don't run yourself ragged collecting from childcare - let the au-pair do it. I would not recommend an au-pair for sole childcare for under 5s.

I'm rather glad I did make a life because it made the period of about 18 months, 8 years or so later, much easier when dh spent more time in NY than in London.

The best thing I did for me and our marriage was to go back to work when dd was settled in reception. I took professional qualifications and have a really good career of my own now.

A few years ago DH stepped sideways and now is only out of the house from 8am to about 7pm but we are now in our 60s.

I have always sub-contracted a lot: odd job man, window cleaner, gardener, cleaner, caterers for dinner parties, (when we had them) even having the Christmas trees put up. But we have worked as a team OP and there has always been a lot of mutual respect. The DC are grown up now but we are a close family. As DS got bigger DH took him to football on Saturday afternoons and when he was in school teams DH always made the effort to see him in matches and DD in concerts even if he did skip parents' evenings. and drop offs/pick-ups, hospital appointments

One non negotiable and it worked with his job was having all of August off. Both for family reasons and because otherwise he'd have burnt out. Overall I always felt our contributions were equal although I shouldered 95% of house and children.

The benefits OP, and I think they are benefits.

1. DC have had a stable life.
2. DC attended the best schools
3. We have beautiful homes in the UK and in France (where we are now as it's August)
4. Working as a team, we have a very sound relationship

@TedMullins I do get what you’re saying, and those kind of threads frustrate the hell out of me! But that’s not what I see here. OP doesn’t want her husband home because she’s had to make sacrifices and is fed up with doing all the work. She wants him home so they can be together more as a family (which is lovely) but she’s asking him to sacrifice his preference to keep working and have a particular lifestyle.

You are not even close to being a single parent - please don't make that comparison.

My DH was a workaholic. He died of sudden heart failure which I will always believe was stress related. Nothing I ever said made him work less. My children were 10, 7 and 2 at the time. I used to think life was very tough with him working so hard, and it was, I guess. But it is 100 times harder and lonelier now.

My advice is to focus on what you each need to make life a bit easier and more pleasant, and find compromise. Sounds like you are financially comfortable, so perhaps spend some money on additional help with the house/kids, and on building your own social life. Perhaps there are ways to help him have more quality family time when he isn't working? If he doesn't want things to change, you can't make him. You can only change yourself. Above all, try to appreciate what you do have. It is certainly true that the grass isn't always greener.

I can see why you would want to see more of him, perhaps the reduced hours, 4.5 days/ 4 days would work? Providing he actually stuck to it and didn't just work same hours for less money which for a workaholic or demanding role is a risk! You can start to drift apart if your days and priorities are very different and you don't see as much of eachother
However may find that a change in lifestyle and reduced income impacts you more than you think and I can understand why he wouldn't want to change his job however have you had to make changes to yours???? Having DC does usually involve compromise on some front.
Make sure you ringfence weekends to spend quality family time together, at least you wont have to spend your weekends cleaning! And build a support network of friends around you.
What is your career like? Are you compromising your career to facilitate his? Does he rely on you for childcare and holding everything together at home, so he can advance his career and work long hours? if he is not pulling his weight on that front it can cause resentment on both and sides problems further down the line, particularly if you ever split up.

Well it's fine for him to be a workaholic with you there to provide the kids and happy home. How come his life didn't change when you had DC? He needs to consider the whole family when deciding on career, it's not just about him now
Of course his life will change too, so annoying when SAHM assume that the partner have it easy because they do to work and that nothing has changed for them. It might not be as a radical change, at least with the first, but it is still a big change to them.

As for saying on deciding about their career and considering the whole family, who say they didn't? OP seemed to have been happy until now. She was happy to have a 2nd child, so why should he give up on his career, that they both were happy with, which indeed helped pay for the lifestyle OP was pleased with, because OP is suddenly lonely?

It's normal to feel lonely with a newborn and feel it even more after the partner goes back to work. You can't expect them to give up on their career just because of the adjustment.

Life changes when you have kids and he should be more open to working around family life now that he's a parent - he decided to have kids as well, presumably!

There are plenty of women for whom this is basically the ideal scenario. They're funded enough to do whatever they like, they rule the house without having to have an annoying husband underfoot, and as long as the DH turns up occasionally for special occasions they're basically happy.

I'm not saying the OP has to accept this, she gets to set her own boundaries. But when you marry a man who has always been very driven and works long hours for a big salary... I think you probably know what you're getting, basically, and it's not someone who's going to quit to push the pram or go PT so he can take them to the beach a lot.

The problem here, is that you want to give up the 'life style' but that may not be what he wants.

I am kind of on the fence here.

I am very career focused, a higher earner and I do work alot. But, because I work alot I get flexibility. Every Mother I know who is at my level has flexibility. The vast majority of father at my level claim they simply can't be flexible. So I am inclined to think his huge work load, unless it ebs and flows is entirely his choice.

2 weeks ago informed 13 hour days for 6 days straight. But then some weeks I will take a take off midweek, for the kids. During the summer holidays, I will try, where possible to keep my diary light so now 13 hour days.

On the other hand, if dp decided he no longer liked our lifestyle and said I need to change jobs, move how etc it wouldn't be happening. Dp could happily pop off.

I really do take exception to the single parent comment. You aren't anywhere near a single parent. When I first became a single parent I was on about 25k. Which I was grateful for. My earning increases during that period, so I have a single parent that earns quite well with spare cash. So had it easier than most. Still not the same as being a 2 parent household where one isn't around much.

If you think your life compares to a single parent, you aren't really thinking straight and it's probably the fear of him going back to work.

Money doesn't buy happiness but lack of money will make you miserable.

Will your kids need money for university, hobbies, help to get housing ladder etc? Small children are very cheap, biggest kids are not and like it or not, money gives them more chances in life.

I remember when I found I was expecting twins the young sonographer/doctor (male) immediately quipped, warn your husband he will need to start doing "overtime" to save money to pay for raising them ..I always thought this was an odd way to look at it...maybe what we needed as a family was more time not more money...maybe he should have been recommending my partner reduced his working hours not increased them.

It's a very particular approach to protecting your family...working to provide rather than "working " to nurture directly...ie just literally doing things with your family

I am a single parent who works fulltime. I have to, so that we have a house to live in and so I can provide for my son now and in the future. There is a lot more to single parenting than just the physical absence of another parent. There's no back up - financially, logistically, emotionally.

You’re too reliant on him for your social life. You need hobbies that involve other people. The more people in your life, the better. This doesn’t degrade your DH. It may take some of the pressure off him too because I can imagine he has to be ‘super dad’ at home as well as being ‘super boss’ at work.
Live and let live, create your own lifestyle and enjoy your DH all the more then when he’s at home, and let him be him too.

Yanbu. At all. Whats his goal? Retire at 40 or go on until he drops.

Je has children and a repsonsibility to them.

Frankly ypuve told him and he may well reflect on rhis in 5 years when youve had enough and initiate a divorce.

Its fucking ridiculous to say that you signed up to this when things have changed significantly since you got married.

Je needs to agree a compromose, even if tbat os that he carries on as he is but he brings his fucking A game when hes home for you and the kids.

OP, you have described my parents life together, they married 50 years ago.

My DF loved his work, travelled extensively for work and was a very high earner. My Mother describes the early years with young children as lonely and she wished that he would change. Overtime she realised she was looking for something that was unfair to him - asking him to become something he never was.

She developed a wonderful social circle, ensured that they had a social life together (as a couple) when he was home and thankfully there were no mobile devices so when he was on holidays or a day off with us we had ‘all of him’.

I mention all of this to tell you this, my Mother looks back now and says she would haven’t it any other way. They are happily retired, she has never had a financial worry in her life and none of her children have ever felt we missed out by not having a 9 to 5 Dad.

My suggestions are similar to others: love the man he is, seek to understand how you’ve changed (it sounds like he hasn’t changed as it was fine before), create your social circle, socialise as a couple - don’t fall into the trap of parenting time together being the only time together and finally, can he disconnect one day per week - on a Saturday or a Sunday?

My DH woks 6 days per week for about 45 weeks of the year, his choice as he’s passionate about what he does. On the one day off he is disconnected for all devices - a great lesson from my childhood.

It can work. My final suggestion is to look after you x

Woks = works 😁