To find this a bit annoying at EVERY meal?

[mockingbirdi]

A good friend of mine has invited a new friend into our friendship group. There was originally about 4/5 of us going for lunch or dinner whenever so now there's 5/6. Absolutely fine

Except this friend of hers is nice enough but insists on eating chicken nuggets and chips! At every place we go

She was invited out with us to an Italian on Saturday. She has posted in the grouch at that she won't come as 'There isn't anything on the menu for me 😔'

So now, my friend that was originally her friend before she came into the group is saying we should change where we eat! So no Italian because they don't actually sell chicken nuggets and chips. And no Chinese that we like, or Japanese, as again nothing she wants there

AIBU to think this is ridiculous now?

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

I'd just say "sorry your friend doesnt like the restaurants we sometimes go to - why doesnt she join us afterwards for drinks at X? Understand if you would rather wait and meet when she comes too, but if not, table at Italians is booked at 7"

I'd do this

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

I'd just say "sorry your friend doesnt like the restaurants we sometimes go to - why doesnt she join us afterwards for drinks at X? Understand if you would rather wait and meet when she comes too, but if not, table at Italians is booked at 7"

^ this.

This would annoy me, trying to guilt you to changing?! What's the bet she ends up going anyway and "just has a garlic bread" or something. Not like spaghetti bolognaise is particularly adventurous.

Stick to your guns, you can go somewhere else next time, this time was agreed Italian.

But the thing is that she has joined a group of women who enjoy going out for different types of meals and now she is saying she wants them to only go for one kind of meal. That isn't the point of the group so if she doesn't like it then why does she think that she should change the whole group's dynamic?

The fussy woman is being very entitled by expecting a group of friends to always choose a meal to suit her. She could have dinner before and only have dessert and drinks. Or meet after. Every few meet ups it would be nice to actively choose somewhere she can eat, but not every time.
Once she becomes a good friend to all then maybe more allowances would be made IF it comes to light there is some sort of food issue. By more allowance I mean coffees, drinks meet ups as well as dinners in nice places that don't serve chicken nuggets.

I would say to your friend who introduced her "I am happy for your friend to join us whenever she wants. I am happy to go to harvester etc sometimes to accommodate her. But I do want to go to other places too. I think it is unfair for any one person to rule so much out."

@DeRigueurMortis

Sorry posted in error...

It's not clear at all that this is an eating disorder.

Yes it might be.

Irrespective of that, it's hers to own and manage.

I've deliberately not allowed my DS's food sensory issues deprive everyone else in the family from eating a variety of foods in restaurants.

Enabling him doesn't help.

Of course he's not deliberately being a PITA. But that doesn't mean he gets to dictate what everyone else can eat/enjoy.

He needs to develop coping mechanisms- which he has done - to socialise with people in restaurants that don't necessarily serve his safe foods.

Be that checking menus, calling restaurants to check if they will accommodate certain requests, eating before hand and just having a side dish/pudding or even a drink etc.

The point of the exercise is spending time with friends. You value that or not and if you do, then you don't get to curtail their enjoyment of food to address your lack thereof.

Exactly this. Pre-covid I was in a group who went out for meals, which reminds me, we need to start doing that again, it's sort of fallen by the wayside sadly, but yes, one of the group was a very 'plain food, chicken and chips only please' but in just about every restaurant she was able to find something to eat, or the restaurant could accommodate this without fuss, so you barely noticed that she rarely had anything other than some variation on plain chicken and chips.

The problem comes when you have someone with food requirements so rigid that they won't eat chips if they're the wrong thickness, or breaded/battered chicken because it's been made fresh and is home made rather than the processed/shaped factory type.

I'm sympathetic to that if it's due to ARFID etc, but still, its unfair to a group to restrict food choices to accommodate that, except occasionally, eg if there's five people eating out in the group, everyone gets to take a turn choosing a restaurant, but they can't expect to dictate the choice every single time.

We have all diagnosed this womb with ASD and arfid now, and possibly an eating disorder

To me that still does not mean she gets to dictate the places to eat, esp as she only joined the group recently

She is changing the whole dynamic and is making people feel bad…. Takes the fun out of it. And to me that is selfish of her. She puts her wishes before the group’s wishes

@Justilou1

Surely the point of going out “with the girls” is choosing somewhere you don’t have to cater for toddlers.

I really wish people would stop referring to selective eating as toddler behaviour. People who do this are the reason I suffer from panic attacks and sleepless nights before having to eat with people I don't know very well.

I know my eating habits aren't normal but, on the whole, I'm fine with it. It's people judging me and referring to me as a toddler that causes the issues.

I suspect this woman doesn't have an eating disorder because generally those who do go to great lengths to hide it and don't draw attention to it by dictating to a group.

However, people's attitudes towards this particular type of eating disorder sucks.

@Toomanyradishes

Pretty sure medieval people ate chicken....

Chickens, also known as jungle fowl, are native to South East Asia, so most mediaeval Britons probably didn't get to eat them.

@TheDevils

She can't be that fussy as she likes a roast dinner, but says she just loves chicken nuggets above most stuff

I suffer from ARFID and will happily eat a roast dinner. It's not up to you to decide what constitutes a selective eater.

No, but it is up to her whether or not she puts up with it and she really shouldn't.

I would not be spending my girls nights out in the sort of places serving nuggets and milkshakes. Once, fine, I'll suffer through it but I'm not putting up with bad food just because one person, who's completely new to the group no less, can't eat more than a couple of dishes.

If you have disordered eating for any reason, you don't join a group centred around food. Just like I wouldn't join a walking group and then demand we change to a sitting group because of my disability.

@coaltit there are archeological remains of hens from the iron age in britain and evidence they were eaten from roman times onwards, although admittedly in medieval times poor people tended to keep them for eggs rather than eating but chicken was definitely available, although to be fair I was just teasing the person who questioned what medieval people would have eaten

She can still join you, but just order herself a dessert or drinks instead. Nothing to stop her eating/filling up at home first.

Do you think she, in some way, sees this as a 'cute' quirk of hers that she expects people to think is sweet/endearing? I mean, she's totally wrong, but what you've said about her reminds me of a friend of a friend, which I know is a rather tenuous link, but she often did similar. Everybody found it so overwhelmingly annoying. I think everybody (or those who aren't dicks) are sympathetic and accommodating of people with allergies/intolerances/ARFID and will usually try to find an acceptable compromise but this doesn't sound like the case here. She sounds extremely inflexible and completely unaware that she is expecting an established dinner group to spend their money eating in shit places, rather than discreetly trying to find something she can eat from the menu of the chosen restaurant or making an effort to call ahead to check they can accommodate her. It sounds as though she's quite open about just preferring nuggets and chips and she needs to be aware that her preferences don't trump everybody else's.

No, but it is up to her whether or not she puts up with it and she really shouldn't.

I would not be spending my girls nights out in the sort of places serving nuggets and milkshakes. Once, fine, I'll suffer through it but I'm not putting up with bad food just because one person, who's completely new to the group no less, can't eat more than a couple of dishes.

I'm not saying anyone should put up with it. In fact, I go to great lengths to make sure it doesn't inconvenience anyone. I would rather starve myself then draw attention to it.

What I do have an issue with is people saying ' if she eats a roast dinner she can't have an ED' or 'she eats desserts and drinks cocktails so doesn't have ARFID' ....... you don't get to dictate the terms of someone else's eating disorder. I also have an issue with people referring to it as toddler behaviour.

I'll admit this would drive me potty - the enabling as much as the nuggetry.

Chicken or fish or Quorn nuggets ? I don't know which is worse the fussy/picky eating or the enabling. Their infantile eating habits have been enabled all their lives so they've never had to grow up. Modern life has given it a snazzy new name and of course, therapy. They are extra specially special now, you know.

People's food issues/preferences/choices are theirs to deal with, not for everyone else to repeatedly accommodate.

Yeah, tell the picky/fussy/toddler behaviour eater that. Then wait for the inevitable tantrum.

What does she do if invited to someone's house for food? Ask them to cook nuggets for her?

Probably. Complete with pouting face and whining voice.

OP you just need to say to the friend who feels bad that you understand, but it's only been a few weeks and already it's changing the options for the group. Is the friend really willing to never eat anywhere interesting with this group because the new friend has such demanding food preferences? Why did she include her in the first place, knowing food was a key part of the meet-ups?

ARFID/picky eater whatever. I wouldn't care. Her problem and you don't join an established group centred around eating if you have some issue with it, disorder or not.
Continue with your plans. Ignore the narcissism and ignore what will presumably be the martyrdom as she watches you eat and chat. She'll be gone pretty soon. Easily solved.

As a foodie, I just feel that adult fussy eaters are missing out on so much, and often it comes hand in hand with being suspicious of anything new/different which isn't a great trait to have.

Obviously I'm not talking about people with eating conditions here.

But in practice I usually don't mind fussy eaters because most people are polite enough to keep it to themselves. I have friends I try new restaurants with, and we have dinner parties at each other's houses. I have other friends who are obviously less "into" food so our social life revolves around other things. It's fine.

What isn't fine is imposing your fussiness on anyone else. And honestly in a new friendship group it's the height of rudeness! Especially in the pathetic guilt-trippy way this woman has gone about it, which just makes everyone feel awkward. In her position she should have just said she couldn't make it but would meet everyone else later. Or perhaps, knowing she's a fussy eater, she shouldn't have joined a group based around eating out in the first place?! I hate playing netball, but I have friends who play - I don't insist they include me and then ask them to play tennis instead.

In terms of what I'd do in this situation, I'd plough on with the Italian booking regardless and ignore the guilt-tripping. If I was feeling generous I'd suggest meeting up with the new friend in a different situation that didn't involve food. Or suggest that everyone takes turns to pick a restaurant. But tbh the way she's gone about this wouldn't make me want to get to know her better.

Chicken or fish or Quorn nuggets ? I don't know which is worse the fussy/picky eating or the enabling. Their infantile eating habits have been enabled all their lives so they've never had to grow up. Modern life has given it a snazzy new name and of course, therapy. They are extra specially special now, you know.

Are you this much of a dick to people in real life?
You sound like a ex- friend I thankfully cut out of my life ...... I have a diagnosed eating disorder. It causes me a huge amount of stress and anxiety. I would love to be able to eat like a normal person, I'm trying but it's taking a lot of work.
That doesn't mean I'm not grown up and perfectly competent in other aspects of my life.

I'm a senior academic with a PhD - I'm incredibly confident and competent in all other aspects of my life but I happen to have a phobia of food. My DH has a phobia of heights - this impacts of the type of hotel we can stay in and sometimes the types of trips we go on. Nobody call him a toddler. His phobia is indulged.

I'm not saying anyone should put up with it. In fact, I go to great lengths to make sure it doesn't inconvenience anyone. I would rather starve myself then draw attention to it.

After reading your posts on this thread, that is really hard to believe.

TheDevils Perhaps start your own thread to talk about your struggles or to educate people on AFRID? It's me-railing the OP's thread.

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl

TheDevils Perhaps start your own thread to talk about your struggles or to educate people on AFRID? It's me-railing the OP's thread.

Perhaps if people weren't being such dicks about a recognised eating disorder I wouldn't need to.........

@TheStoic

I'm not saying anyone should put up with it. In fact, I go to great lengths to make sure it doesn't inconvenience anyone. I would rather starve myself then draw attention to it.

After reading your posts on this thread, that is really hard to believe.

In what way? I have never asked to go to a particular restaurant - in fact i'll purposefully not offer up a preference in case people think I'm trying to get them to go somewhere i like.

I never complain if there is nothing for me to eat and I end up with chips/bread

To most people I'm just a bit of a fussy eater - only 2 people know I've been diagnosed with an actual eating disorder. I don't talk about it and try to hide it as much as I can. My panic attacks and sleepless nights are private to me and my therapist. Even my DH doesn't know that I'm often kept awake worrying about a meal we are going to weeks later.

I love cooking ( a strange quirk of ARFID) so host dinner parties all the time and cook my guests things I don't eat. I LOVE hosting Sunday dinner and Christmas day.

MN is really the only place I've talked openly about it because its anonymous. People with ARFID don't want attention and would rather people just left us alone to eat what we're comfortable with - but people don't. They try and force us to eat food, in public, under the guise of 'we don't know what we're missing'