Aibu to Feel judged about size of son!

[Angliski]

Ftm here. Conceived after five years of struggle, my gorgeous dS is 18 months old. Thing is he is very tall and strong. Off the charts of red book. He looks about 3- weighs 17kg nearly 90cm tall. He’s not fat, he has a six pack almost and likes lifting bricks. He has all his teeth and is just a big and advanced boy for his age.

Thing is, he was conceived by egg and sperm donation so he isn’t genetically linked to either of us. People always comment on how astonishingly big he is for a 1.5yr old, then they ask if DH is/was big. Don’t know how to reply to this. Will never know what his donors looked like as kids.

I feel so ashamed because I couldn’t use our own genetic material and I don’t know how to answer.

We are in Italy atm and today someone walked past and said he was ‘brutto’ which means ugly.he is actually a very handsome child who looks like a surfer but he is a weirdly big toddler. I was so upset. Also I am fat and very ashamed of it and think people think he is fat like me and/or doesn’t look like me ( he isn’t my colouring).

Aibu to get upset? Any advice?

I have three children, and they all run big. When my twins were little I found it hugely stressful because we got so many comments, and manhandling two very solid toddlers was bloody hard work. They are now 5.5 and very tall and lean. Their ribs are visible and they are definitely a healthy weight, but certainly bigger than their peers. The thing is, when they are alongside their friends, you can just tell that they are built bigger. They all have skinny legs and knobbly knees, but mine just seem to have bigger bones. It’s taken a lot of the stress away with my 2yo. She is similarly tall and solidly built, but I know she’s likely to slim down as she gets older, just as her brothers have. They are all extremely active and healthy, so I know they’re fine.

For what it’s worth, I tend to pre-empt comments now. So, when people ask how old they are, I tell them and then cheerfully say, “We produce big kids!” That seems to move the conversation on pretty quickly.

Aw OP, the chunky toddlers are THE BEST, I used to love my DC's chubby little thighs and cheeks

I'm pretty sure everyone thinks their own toddlers are the best be that chunky or slim, tall or small, blonde or brunette. It's only the best to you though, not fact 😆

@VeryLongBeeeep oh yes exactly right. Of course he is sitting on the drill as we speak and has a chisel in his ear. Don’t be daft.

I was going to try to explain what I mean but I see this is a hiding to nothing!

You do you and I’ll do me.

@Moonbabysmum

He. Has. Plenty. Of. Shoes. that He Does.Wear.

Sometimes a child does something before you have the right kit on it. I take it your children have never had a wild wee because you are ALWAYS on top of nappies. Well done you.

I won’t be following up again. Hopefully like the majority of people you will understand that I don’t normally let him pick up rocks of that size at all and without shoes. That’s why there is a photo because it was a remarkable and weird event.

My dad's mum was tiny(!!!!) and both her biological sons are way over 6 foot and my dad is a basketball player

My mum is also very petite but my brother and I take after my dad

Omg the self-righteous concern trolling of some people on the internet, I honestly don't know what they get out of it!

@Angliski I actually just finished cribsheet by Emily Oster, she's very level headed about milestones and baby stats! I really like her work! For fiction I just finished reading the southern reach trilogy, that movie Annihilation with Natalie Portman that came out a few years ago is a pretty faithful adaptation of the first book... though scarier!

If you're worried about him when on walks near roadways I wouldn't be shy about using a child "leash" I know they're super controversial, but I was a nanny of a "spirited" child for several years and I absolutely would not have been able to keep him out of the street without one. Some kids just wiggle out of your grasp! I'd rather take a judgemental look than an accident with a car or bike any day.

@BookFiend4Life emily oater wrote that science book on pregnancy right? She was really good. I will definitely take a look.

Ooooo I like Natalie Portman and have actually never heard of that film so will add to Netflix list thank you!

Yes I do have backpack reins. He goes mad when I put them on but as long as he doesn’t ‘feel the tug’ it’s ok. Like a PP said about her son, he is quite sensible, he knows when I say no and explain that there is a reason for it, but still, life is exciting at that age isn’t it and I get very anxious about roads. That’s my high squawk zone as I’m sure it is for many, many parents. He likes the trike and we also cycle him on DH’s bike with helmet to safe places but eventually Everyone has to walk down roads don’t they? He also hate holding hands unless he needs your help to get somehweee tricky.

I’m reading hazards of time travel by Joyce carol oates and happiest toddler on the block - which I really recommend.

Hmm I smell bullshit with this post. That child is neither fat nor looks like a three year old. Most likely OP has made up being insulted to create a stealth braggy post about her surfer looking six pack having brick lifting free spirited child

Was partially believable until the photos and her rude responses to posters sensible advice regarding putting the brick throwing kid some shoes on 🙄

Ooh Joyce Carol Oates can be quite scary! It has to be very sunny outside for me to read her stuff usually. My husband loves her but even he has to set her down sometimes!

Yes she wrote "Expecting better" which was also really good! I like her practicality. My beb is at the other end of the spectrum in terms of size and I get SO tired of people telling me how little she is, so I really appreciate the straight talk about how development and growth have a wide distribution and "normal" is a much bigger tent than we think!

People comment, the issue here is that you have an unusual scenario that people would never guess or even think to be sensitive to.

Fuck the genetic material aspect. He's your son and no more or less of an individual than anyone's genetic child. My 4 kids are incredibly different from each other.

I'd just answer no, his daddy isn't remarkably tall but he (ds) is just himself! Who knows where any of them get their particular genes from!

Et tu, Brute?

@Angliski. I apologise for my sarky post about his 6 pack and lifting bricks. He looks a lovely little chap. You should be proud of your son

@Batshittery no worries.:)
@Foldinthecheese bet you have sometimes biceps there now!!
@BookFiend4Life I just cannot believe how prolific she is as a writer. I’m so chuffed to find her and cannot understand how I didn’t know of her earlier.

@Angliski - my DS was the same with the back pack with lead - would refuse to move with someone holding it and wouldn't hold my hand either! Could undo buggy straps the second he was strapped in from 1 yo. It was a nightmare! Sorry no advice but sympathy!

@UndertheCedartree oh no!!!! Poor you- ds totally hasn’t cracked the buggy straps yet, we’d be stuffed! Presumably your ds has now mastered safe road crossing? It’s so good when they get smarter but so annoying when it’s at your cost for safety/hassle/tidiness/sanity/insert here

@Angliski - yes, he's 14 now! But was a nightmare when he was a toddler! It does get easier, though!

As it’s a sensitive issue, I’d firmly swat questions with ‘yes, his great-grandfather was a weightlifter and 6’7 - funny how it skipped a generation or two!’

Then curse these rude buggers as you walk away. You owe nobody an explanation.

Personally l would say 'not sure, it was really dark in the alleyway and we only met once'

I read the original post thinking it was one of those piss-takes where a poster pretends to be the mother of a superhero or some such.

It was the six pack and lifting bricks, I think.

Looking at the pic I would have thought he was about 2. He doesn't look overweight.

I wouldn't have an issue with him carrying a brick. It doesn't look like a full on uk house brick.

He looks like a happy, healthy little boy to me.

As long as he has a healthy diet and is active I would try to relax a bit.

I would try to grow a thicker skin as you will always meet judgemental, opinionated people who don't have a filter. So finding a way to ignore their comments will help.

You conceived this child after 5 years of struggle please stop even thinking of worrying about what others say just enjoy your kid. And people don't know that he is not biologically your's - if they ask about the size of his dad just say no his dad is not big ie your partner because your partner is his dad. There are 5 children in my family and not one of us look like my father even though we are biologically his. I realised when I was late teens walking around with him everyone assumed I was his much younger girlfriend rather than his daughter. So what. They can think what they like.

A baby with a six pack and lifting bricks 😂 also looks like a surfer 😂😂😂 the mental image is too much

My DD is 18 months same weight as yours and same height, but she's got a toddler tummy, no six pack . Her older brother was the same build at the same age. He is now a tall 5 year old, but very slim with muscular legs. Honestly don't worry it's just their path. I'm tall myself, but people always ask why is she so tall. I'm like, erm hello I'm tall, but they don't see it, assume it comes from the Dads side. DH is same height as me !! People are weird, you don't need to say anything, just smile and nod. Occasionally I say she's our gorgeous chunk.

I also know how much hard work a very heavy toddler is to lug about ! My DS stayed 17kg for absolutely years and just grew.

@smileandsmilessooooo thank you for sharing- I am hoping he will do the same and just not get any heavier. I love cuddling him but it can only be a few mins before I need to sort of lean on a table or something so I’m not fully load bearing!!

@uggmum thanks for the reassurance. Actually we we’re at the pool the other day and there was a little girl about the same height so I see that in the last couple of months other kids are definitely catching up. I think it’s his different build, more muscly that makes him look much larger. The mum at the pool was pretty surprised when I said 17kg. He is just made of cement!

@LadyTiredWinterBottom2 I shall try this line next time!

@ittakes2 I do, I do. I just worry too! But all through lockdown, when he was tiny I just thought ‘ no pandemic is going to rob me of the joy of this miracle’. He kept us busy and happy and made isolation such a different and novel experience for us.