Aibu to Feel judged about size of son!

[Angliski]

Ftm here. Conceived after five years of struggle, my gorgeous dS is 18 months old. Thing is he is very tall and strong. Off the charts of red book. He looks about 3- weighs 17kg nearly 90cm tall. He’s not fat, he has a six pack almost and likes lifting bricks. He has all his teeth and is just a big and advanced boy for his age.

Thing is, he was conceived by egg and sperm donation so he isn’t genetically linked to either of us. People always comment on how astonishingly big he is for a 1.5yr old, then they ask if DH is/was big. Don’t know how to reply to this. Will never know what his donors looked like as kids.

I feel so ashamed because I couldn’t use our own genetic material and I don’t know how to answer.

We are in Italy atm and today someone walked past and said he was ‘brutto’ which means ugly.he is actually a very handsome child who looks like a surfer but he is a weirdly big toddler. I was so upset. Also I am fat and very ashamed of it and think people think he is fat like me and/or doesn’t look like me ( he isn’t my colouring).

Aibu to get upset? Any advice?

I wouldn't see how you would look at him and say he looks 3, even if he is the height of a 3 year old. I wouldn't even bat an eyelid. Your description made him sound huge and others coming on here to explain how their 5 year olds are the same weight made me think he was going to look like a a 4 year old. I would say toddlers should not really be compared to 5year olds in terms of weight as many do thin out by then as they have a totally different physique, they are not really comparable.

He's gorgeous Op - FWIW, I'd call him a bruiser and I'd definitely mean it as a compliment. I doubt any Italians meant he was ugly.

All my boys were bruisers and I love big robust babies! My eldest (who was 95th percentile when a baby) is now as thin as a rake 5'9" 14 year old who really enjoys towering over me (I'm 5'4"). He's honestly so thin! (Still healthy but all skin and bones & he eats plenty!)

He does sound quite heavy for his height.

He weighs more than my 5 year old, by a whole kilo. She’s about 15cm taller than your son as well.

As he becomes more active he’ll “even out”. My daughter was chubby at the same age but she’s very slim now.

My DS and DD were off the chart for height and weight. Their dad is 6ft5, I'm 5ft7. His parents are 5ft8 and 5ft5. I think you are over thinking it because of the biological issue which you know about but isn't anyone else's business. Just shrug when people comment and say "it's amazing isn't it". My DH is living proof that small parents can have huge kids. My kids tower over me but my dad and my brothers were all over 6ft5 so they have height on both sides even though I'm not spectularly tall. Enjoy your lovely son

He doesn’t look heavy in your photo though. Maybe it is all muscle 🤣

Well 17kgs is a lot. I say this as the mother of an almost 3 year old who people think is older and always comment on how big he is (and he's no heavier than your child!). Doesn't bother me in the slightest though.

@TheAwfuITruth were willing to rent him out for a go but the output might be rather random. There will be some bricks in there but also dominoes, books and the odd reusable nappy.

Are you sure your scales are correct?
It's hard to tell with clothes on as fat is often upper legs and belly.
Even height wise you cant tell he is tall as no scale

What a bizarre opening post. A baby with a six pack.

19kg is big. Perhaps just have a check up on him just in case.

I also think that you're over-thinking the genetics - my brother is 6'7" and I'm 5'4". My mum was 5'5 and my dad was 5'11" and his parents and grandparents were even shorter so no idea where my brother gets his height from (& he's definitely my biological brother - he looks so like my dad it's scary!)

Please just enjoy your son and don't worry about anyone else (although if you've genuine concerns about his height / weight, then do see a GP).

You need to practise your bitch face.

@Lokdok see fig 1 and stand corrrected. You’ll see he is also lifting it with one hand. So there.

My eldest son was similar at that age (I'm 5'6" his dd 5'9) and was once described as an "absolute fucking unit" by my delightful dsis! He's always been muscular and is now 13, 5'10 and very slim but athletic, I'd say he was built like a runner or swimmer. If gp has said he's fine, I really wouldn't worry. People tend to see young children in the same way as they do pregnant women, almost like public property!

@MadameOvary81 ahhh thanks for sharing! Love ‘the mutant’. We call ours ‘bam am like from the flintstones.

@Ozanj sounds like you’ve got a similar character- he’s so adventurous and loves stones, pebbles, natural things much more than plastic crap.

@Batshittery because he toddles and doesn’t speak much yet. He still looks like a person his age, just a big version.

@maddening@stupiduser thank you for sharing your experience.

@Kanaloa no, I do mean bricks. Not every day just when opportunity strikes. And he does get them taken off him.

Hehe . Your picture made me smile. For what it’s worth , my son at just under 11 months had just started walking , the power in his Legs though! I have a video of him pushing my vintage Victorian pram across a recreation field , he couldn’t reach the handle of course and was pushing it from the shopping basket just above the base. And by 18 months one of his hobbies was shunting furniture about in the living room and we had to rescue him from a tree around that age where we’d each assumed the other was watching him and he’d scaled a good 6 foot. Some kids just are beasts haha. My other one was like a little fairy, nothing of her and would blow away in a cross wind . We all spin the roulette wheel when we have them , everything from their personalities to looks and talents. It’s part of the fun

As hurtful as it may feel, you do need to grow a thicker skin. You need to be proud of the decisions you made and the lengths you went to have him so that he will grow up proud and confident in himself.

@Angliski

In the picture it looks like your sending the photo to someone called 'uterus'.

He doesn't look like he's 17kg , are you sure your scales are right?

I'm Italian and have had heard toddlers described as "un brutto" before...definitely in a "big strong boy" nice way though!

He’s gorgeous, OP!

My DS was like this. Very tall and well built. I know what you mean about ‘six pack’ - my DS as a toddler had an almost muscular looking frame like a teenage boy! He was always a head taller than other children and much heavier, although no spare fat. My dad used to call him ‘the boxer’ .

He was 6’4 by the age of 14 and has long towered over us (biological parents).

Embrace his natural build and don’t pay any attention to stupid comments. My DS still gets (and will probably always get) ‘gosh, you’re tall / a big lad, aren’t you?’ Comments frequently and he has learned to just smile and say ‘yep, I am!’

Oh wow actual bricks. He just looks a chubby toddler, not massively huge.

Are you sure you’ve measured him correctly? A little on the chubby side maybe but certainly doesn’t look like the figures you have noted in your opening post. Before seeing your photo I was thinking if he came into one of my clinics I’d probably be referring to Paeds dietician or growth and endocrine but he looks fine to me and I’m aghast that anyone would comment on his height or weight!

@Thatsjustwhatithink I am! That’s what our ante natal group is called. It’s a play on the real name you2us.

@Millionnewnames I love your spirit on this. Very very similar here. He is a @Onthebrink87 total unit! That is it exactly! Muscular too. Lifting him tho! And finding the right car seats as a PP said.

It isn’t that I am ashamed of him or my decision at all. I’m ashamed of not being able to do what most women can do and what we are made to do. But I fully intend to tell him his story and have him be proud of it.

You only need to see how he throws himself into a paddling pool or launches after someone else’s football to know how happy he is to be here, on earth, in the powerful body he has and in this family.

Thanks everyone, what a great discussion! Read out all your replies to DH who had a good giggle and each time someone disputed the brick ability or the flat tum we had a good laugh. He’s the light of our lives.

@PlasticCupPolitics but that’s the weird thing isn’t it- he truly isn’t fat but he is very muscly. The gp did offer a paediatrician referral and of course I was worried but we need to wait 31 weeks by which time his peers will probably have caught up. I’ve asked for a private referral just to be sure, but he doesn’t have the symptoms of the syndrome above, he’s just tonk.

@TheRealKateAdie ‘ the boxer’

You have waited so long and gone through so much, please don't spend any more time berating yourself.

You ds looks utterly beautiful. He is more solid than waif but all I would think if I saw him is 'oh what a lovely child, I'm so jealous of his parents'.

It is quite permissible to tell people you have no idea where his tall/strong physique came from. Lots of people see physical characteristics in their child that they don't recognise in themselves.

If you can, try and find a good counsellor to talk through your worries about your own body image and fertility. You are a lovely Mum with a lovely child, you deserve to be happy.