Aibu to Feel judged about size of son!

[Angliski]

Ftm here. Conceived after five years of struggle, my gorgeous dS is 18 months old. Thing is he is very tall and strong. Off the charts of red book. He looks about 3- weighs 17kg nearly 90cm tall. He’s not fat, he has a six pack almost and likes lifting bricks. He has all his teeth and is just a big and advanced boy for his age.

Thing is, he was conceived by egg and sperm donation so he isn’t genetically linked to either of us. People always comment on how astonishingly big he is for a 1.5yr old, then they ask if DH is/was big. Don’t know how to reply to this. Will never know what his donors looked like as kids.

I feel so ashamed because I couldn’t use our own genetic material and I don’t know how to answer.

We are in Italy atm and today someone walked past and said he was ‘brutto’ which means ugly.he is actually a very handsome child who looks like a surfer but he is a weirdly big toddler. I was so upset. Also I am fat and very ashamed of it and think people think he is fat like me and/or doesn’t look like me ( he isn’t my colouring).

Aibu to get upset? Any advice?

He is a gorgeous boy. Just ignore the nonsense and enjoy him

OP what a beautiful boy. He looks 18 months to me! So glad your journey to parenthood was a success! If you're tired of fielding all the comments you could always raise an eyebrow and look expectantly at people when they say something off or say "what and odd thing to say!", then an "mmhmm" when they stumble trying to take back their rudeness! I don't think it's necessary to be endlessly polite. Also, to your son you are the whole world, he thinks you are beautiful and wonderful and the giver of all things! You are doing great!

My niece is three and has a six pack. No one knows why as she doesn't do sport etc (of course not, she's three) but she is naturally very muscular. Her sister is a string bean. So just to add it's not as weird as it sounds.

@MrsBobDylan thank you! I’m receiving cbt at the moment. Like many lockdown baby first timers, there was a very odd start to parenting in terms of the support gap. Mumsnet has been incredible for me during lockdown and this first year or so. Thanks for your kindness @BookFiend4Life what are you reading? And @Disneycharacter he is so Bonny. That’s why the mob idly obese comments are so hard. I do understand their astonishment and he does make people very surprised when they see his length or pick him up- the heft! It’s not easy when he throws a massive wobbly or wants to be held all day….glad I have an amazing chiropractor who helped me in preg too.

A friend of mine picked my 15kg toddler up the other day and made one of those ‘ooooof’ noises as she did it. I picked her DS up who is 2kg lighter and a year old and it was so different 😂

@garlictwist exactly! It’s not a boast it’s just an observation. He’s been hurling stuff since he was 6 months. If I’d spent two thirds of your life shotputting, I’d be buff too!

The other issue is the head! Ooof! If he nuts you during an enthusiastic bounce or a tantrum, you really feel it. As in, tears to your eyes and possibly bloody lip depending where your teeth were at. Not fun. Do those of you with other biggies/athletes have any tips for that?

@Millionnewnames @Ozanj @Onthebrink87 @TheRealKateAdie and other mums with biggies and v physical kids I ask…

1. Advice on walking by roads- did you use a trike, reins? He is fast but not yet sensible. He hates reins understandably. I tend to just take him to where I can let him roam and go from there. How to transition?
2. He loves to lift and hurl, potatoes, toys etc. How to channel this? I have tried target practice and tidy away…
3. He is big and long and strong, not easy to physically hold onto when he throws a shit fit…I want to be there for him, but say, on the plane, I was nearly crying from the force of it… ideas? And lastly
4. When you are the mum with the go getter you never get to sit nicely on the picnic blanket with other mums at get togethers- you’re always running across the park. I embrace it but would welcome play date suggestions with slightly more containment. Obv covid us meant no living rooms till recently and playgroup still closed in my area. Eve W hen I took him to music group he just ran around stealing everyone else’s shaky eggs and donating woodblocks.

@ImRhondaAndthesearentreal

You lost me at "has a six pack almost"

😂😂😂😂 I thought I read that wrong. Had to do double check

@ThorsLeftNut I feel like when I lift normal children I might accidentally catapult them into space because I am so used to ‘bend at the knees and lift for life’ when I go to get him off the floor! You’ve got 50% extra free right, in terms of weight! Most of his friends are 10-12kg I’d say.

Do you find you get strains in elbow and wrist? I tend to clasp both hands under his bum and hold him more centrally and my elbow joint always kills.

He doesn’t look anything like a 3yo in that picture. I’d instantly guess 1 to early 2s. Are you sure you’ve got the weight/height right? He’d be hitting the threshold for being obese at the 19kg

At 18m he’d be off the charts at that height at the 99.6th centile. Based on the charts top end of the healthy range at that height would be about 13.5kg.

At 2 a 90cm boy would be just above the 75th centile and at the 75th centile for weight you’d be looking at 13kg.

I'm 5ft 1 - I've ridiculously tall children. I just tell people my Grandad was tall (he was 6ft 4). Shuts them up. My 4 yr old is in 7-8 clothes (just).

If you want to lose weight u can

Also you will have to be careful of car seats if you are right about the 19k. Most harness ones are only up to 18kg. I had a tall heavy child but faced the issue of outgrowing car seats at 3 and it was enough of a pain as has to get an extended rear as she wasn’t mature enough to go into a high back booster.

@titchy you should probably seek help from a medical professional!

@Bunnycat101 yes I know all that. I said 17 not 19 I think and that’s what I meant, but I already know what the charts say, that’s why I worried, he has been off then since 9 months or so. I’ll try to find you an appropriate pic for perspective that doesn’t compromise anonymity for any other kids.

What a gorgeous boy! He sounds so much like my DC! We too say he's getting a six pack because he's got muscles there that I've never seen before! He doesn't stop- he doesn't walk- he runs/jumps! He can jump really high too! I gave up on relaxing play dates but it gets easier as they get older and are more independent! My DC loves playing in the mud/gravel/stones ect if you ask him what he wants to be when he's older he says a builder!!

I am disappointed with the judgemental comments about the baby's weight here. You should be ashamed of yourselves. My dd was like this as a young child. Tall in height but disproportionately higher on the scales. She was exclusively breastfed for a lot of that and the medical professionals were baffled. They knew me well tho so even when she started weaning they weren't too worried. She continued on this path so we were referred but the consultants and nutritionist were just as baffled snd there was nothing to be done. She's 11 now tho and 5'7 with size 8 feet. She's also slim. Still heavy tho. Her dad is tall and heavy (but slim and fit (muscly) and I am overweight but disproportionately heavy for my size. I think some people are just like that.

I think this is a really good example for perspective. The other child is a very small one year old. So 6 months younger. Just after this photo he came in front of her to help push the swing I think and they nutted each other. I was gutted as he has a big heavy head and the poor little one!! Both of them wailed for ages.

He looks similar to my now 3 yr old when he was that age. We call him the unit because he's very muscular and strong & different body shape to other dc. Both dh & I are tall though & dh has a big build so never really questioned it.

@Bunnycat101 I did say 17 not 19 so not sure where folks are getting that from. 17kg size 9 shoe now. But yes, I’m grateful he has stopped there for now and seems to be slimming off, though DH doesn’t agree! And yes we did the car seat research, he has one for 0-4 up to 25kgs that’s adaptable but the head room in our van isn’t amazing so if he keeps getting taller anytime soon we will have to think again! @skybroke @Looneytune253 you feel my pain right! Still gorgeous and just fine and happy just ‘to my units’.

My eldest is quite small and very thin (like, you can see all his ribs, thin - he eats well, it’s just his build). When they had the NHS weight check in Reception, we got a letter saying he was overweight and a link to a website with advice for ‘being more active as a family’. I was shocked and assumed they must have recorded his height and weight incorrectly. But I checked and then put them into the NHS BMI calculator and, sure enough, ‘overweight’ bordering on ‘very overweight’ or whatever word they used. I genuinely think that his bones must be unusually heavy, plus he is relatively ‘muscly’ (he has solid, strong legs, not skinny like his torso) which will add weight. Anyway, just to say, the BMI thing always needs context because it definitely was bonkers in our case. (And I’d be the first to admit that my ds2 has always been a bit more chunky and would not have been surprised, or disagreed, if his had come back overweight. He’s slimmed down now he’s 8.

Your little boy is gorgeous and looks fine to me. Please stop worrying

Sorry yes you did say 17. I found with my daughter she barely changed in weight between 2 and 3 and just grew taller- also has massive feet. In her reception class she was a foot taller than some of the smaller children. You might find something similar but I’d be wanting to keep an eye over the next year or two . You’re also lucky you got the 25kg seats straight off. We didn’t and it was an expensive mistake.

@Angliski I sold the baby carrier after a month as I just couldn't carry him in it 😆 It's weird though as sometimes I lift other children who don't look so different & they are like feathers!
He also loves anything physical & messy play which is exhausting.

@Bunnycat101 yes I’m hoping it levels off - he has stayed the same for about three months now, even feet aren’t changing much. Wasn’t straight off bat, made a few errors too, but what to now do with all ex car seats?? You can’t sell them second hand apparently which is just crazy! We have five in the attic - can’t even find folk to give them away to!

@skybroke it is exhausting!! The best environment I’ve found is a big paddling pool on the beach where we live. He bloody loves it! It’s contained and safe and you can just follow at a safe distance, it’s when he can roam that on screwed. Campsite, oh god, the 235 acre campsite with a toddler. We were broken after four days. No gates! No dead ends!