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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to Feel judged about size of son!

261 replies

Angliski · 04/08/2021 15:26

Ftm here. Conceived after five years of struggle, my gorgeous dS is 18 months old. Thing is he is very tall and strong. Off the charts of red book. He looks about 3- weighs 17kg nearly 90cm tall. He’s not fat, he has a six pack almost and likes lifting bricks. He has all his teeth and is just a big and advanced boy for his age.

Thing is, he was conceived by egg and sperm donation so he isn’t genetically linked to either of us. People always comment on how astonishingly big he is for a 1.5yr old, then they ask if DH is/was big. Don’t know how to reply to this. Will never know what his donors looked like as kids.

I feel so ashamed because I couldn’t use our own genetic material and I don’t know how to answer.

We are in Italy atm and today someone walked past and said he was ‘brutto’ which means ugly.he is actually a very handsome child who looks like a surfer but he is a weirdly big toddler. I was so upset. Also I am fat and very ashamed of it and think people think he is fat like me and/or doesn’t look like me ( he isn’t my colouring).

Aibu to get upset? Any advice?

OP posts:
HSHorror · 04/08/2021 15:56

Also op if he was icsi i think they can get an overgrowth syndrome. Beckwith-weidermann i think. Which it would be important to know as they are more prone to cancer.

AllTheSingleLadiess · 04/08/2021 15:57

You need a comeback. Maybe something on the lines of him being the next Chris Hemsworth or something 😉

eightlivesdown · 04/08/2021 15:59

Someone insulting you child says more about them than about the child; ignore them.

MissChanandlerBong22 · 04/08/2021 16:01

This sounds really hurtful for you, I’m sorry. I agree with others - just try to make light breezy comments and brush it off.

I have a large toddler too - not as big as yours - but just over 17kg at 2 years old. He’s always been off the top of the weight charts since he was born so the HVs aren’t bothered. The comments get a bit tiring but I do think people mean well.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 04/08/2021 16:01

Brutto used on a boy that looks like yours means ‘hard’ or ‘tough’. It’s definitely considered a compliment in many parts of Italy. Italians use insults in affectionate ways for kids - similar to the Middle East and Asia

Was just coming on to say the same. It's a compliment! It's usually meant in a jokey, affectionate way too.

CarlottaValdez · 04/08/2021 16:02

At 17kg and 90cm he is massively fat I’m afraid. Are you sure that’s right?

30degreesandmeltinghere · 04/08/2021 16:02

Just tell people he has had his Weetabix today. My ds was 9-3 born and at 2 def looked 3 yo... He is an adult in the side of skinny and does boxing... No issues at all.
Job on building site at 16 maybe a great idea!!

eightyfourandahalf · 04/08/2021 16:03

I feel so ashamed because I couldn’t use our own genetic material

you have NOTHING to be ashamed of. The story of his conception is no-one's business and you are allowed to just be grateful to have your baby.

Now the weight.. you need to see a doctor. Nothing to be ashamed either, but it doesn't sound healthy, and he's not just a "big and strong baby". For his own sake, push for medical advice.

Qwerty789 · 04/08/2021 16:07

As others have said I think you misunderstood the Italian entirely. But also as pp said, if that is actually his height and weight you are in serious denial...he's desperately obese, not just a strong boy.
See your GP.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 04/08/2021 16:07

I wasn’t sure the six pack was meant seriously! Probably just that his muscles are somewhat defined? I remember thinking this about my Dd when she was younger, even though she wasn’t big for her age.

Sunshinedaisymeadowsxx · 04/08/2021 16:08

I’d speak to a doctor as your DS is on the heavier side, for context my DS is 6 years old and 18kg (he’s 3rd centile) my dd is 2 and 10kg…

Greenrubber · 04/08/2021 16:08

My DD is 4 and is 101cm at about 18kg she's not overweight

So 90cm at 17kg doesn't sound too bad to me although that's very tall for what age this child is the height to weight seems in a normal range or is it just me 🙄

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 04/08/2021 16:09

Interesting about the language thing - I couldn’t imagine an Italian calling a baby ugly!

Babyroobs · 04/08/2021 16:09

My ds 3 was big and the preschool thought he was older then he was due to also having his date of birth down wrong. It caused some problems as they were treating him as if he was older than he was. have you spoken to a Gp to see if everything is ok, no inherited conditions etc.

pasturesgreen · 04/08/2021 16:10

I wouldn't get too het up about a random person you passed in the street calling him ugly: you could have misunderstood and they might have been referring to something else entirely...or they might be a sanctimonious twat, but either way they're just a random person in the street you won't ever see again and whose opinion counts for nothing.

That said, he really weighs a lot for a 1.5 yo. What do your doctor or hv have to say?

TheDistortion · 04/08/2021 16:12

Brutto used on a boy that looks like yours means ‘hard’ or ‘tough’. It’s definitely considered a compliment in many parts of Italy. Italians use insults in affectionate ways for kids - similar to the Middle East and Asia.

I was going to say this - maybe equivalent of "what a little bruiser!"

HectorGloop · 04/08/2021 16:12

My son was a similar size to yours OP at that age, and I was worried about it. He was way above the 99th centile for height and weight. I weighed him on his 2nd birthday and he was 17.5kg and 93cm. He turns 5 next week and now weighs 24kg and is 118cm, so still very much at the big end but looks much leaner now, all his rolls have gone and his ribs are visible etc. His growth has slowed down and a lot of his peers are catching him up. As long as you're feeding him a healthy diet, its all good.

CarlottaValdez · 04/08/2021 16:13

So 90cm at 17kg doesn't sound too bad to me although that's very tall for what age this child is the height to weight seems in a normal range or is it just me

NHS calculator puts him on the 99th centile for BMI and says is “very overweight”.

bananafish · 04/08/2021 16:14

Well, I used my own genetic material and had the most oddly sized, big and tall baby, you could imagine.

You’re fine - just need to grow a thicker skin. It gets better as you get used to the comments and brush them off.

Said baby is now a 14 yr old, 6’4, athlete, on the cusp of being signed to his club. Shake it off and ignore those who can’t understand differences.

Somethingsnappy · 04/08/2021 16:15

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

Interesting about the language thing - I couldn’t imagine an Italian calling a baby ugly!
Yes, I was relieved to hear the nicer translation!
OhNoNoNoNoNo · 04/08/2021 16:16

I think you need to have a rethink about how you view egg and sperm donation if you feel ashamed that he isn’t genetically yours. I’d worry that you will pass on you feelings of shame to your child. It doesn’t sound healthy.

BlueSurfer · 04/08/2021 16:16

He weighs similar to my (roughly 50th centile) five year old and is 20cm shorter. I can understand why people are commenting. Have you spoken to a HCP? I think there is either an illness causing this or else you need some support to get him down to a safe weight. Whatever the cause, he is not a normal weight for his age and you need to stop being blinkered to thinking he is advanced.

cuparfull · 04/08/2021 16:18

All credit to you for persevering with IVF and now you have a lovely child to cherish.

However, at 17kg he really is too heavy and you have time to guide his eating habits.
Please ask for advice given its recognised that overweight children lead to overweight adults and potentially Type 2 diabetes.

Imtootired · 04/08/2021 16:18

I think I know what OP means about 6 pack because my toddler has quite strong muscles and when he’s lifting something or stretching his belly is very hard and strong not soft. And I don’t think the comments about morbidly obese or fat are nice at all! Some kids are bigger than others and the scales that they use are based on averages. There will be some bigger and smaller that are still healthy. Everyone is different. At my little ones swimming class we just met a lovely 13 month old who is extremely big and the mum said he is 15 kg. When my baby was around 6 months old he was off the charts. It happens.

Sasha91 · 04/08/2021 16:19

That person was a dick (if it was meant as ugly).

I'm sorry OP. I can't come close to understanding about the genetic difference but obviously that'll be there forever and you need to find a way to deal with it. Maybe counselling or a support group for parents with children from egg donors?
You love your son and he'll always be yours and you'll always be his mum. You don't need to explain to people about his DNA donors but you could politely nod (He is a big boy, His Dad was big for his age) and agree and change the subject. Don't let it fill your headspace you've got enough in dealing with a toddler!