Aibu to Feel judged about size of son!

[Angliski]

Ftm here. Conceived after five years of struggle, my gorgeous dS is 18 months old. Thing is he is very tall and strong. Off the charts of red book. He looks about 3- weighs 17kg nearly 90cm tall. He’s not fat, he has a six pack almost and likes lifting bricks. He has all his teeth and is just a big and advanced boy for his age.

Thing is, he was conceived by egg and sperm donation so he isn’t genetically linked to either of us. People always comment on how astonishingly big he is for a 1.5yr old, then they ask if DH is/was big. Don’t know how to reply to this. Will never know what his donors looked like as kids.

I feel so ashamed because I couldn’t use our own genetic material and I don’t know how to answer.

We are in Italy atm and today someone walked past and said he was ‘brutto’ which means ugly.he is actually a very handsome child who looks like a surfer but he is a weirdly big toddler. I was so upset. Also I am fat and very ashamed of it and think people think he is fat like me and/or doesn’t look like me ( he isn’t my colouring).

Aibu to get upset? Any advice?

Blimey there have been some weird responses here.
OP, I have no advice about the height thing, but I also have had a brick lifting toddler - no idea why some posters couldn't get their head round that concept! My kids have always lived on a building site (house still a work in progress) and their favourite activities include wall building, ditch digging and rearranging scaffold planks. They are both super strong and my 5 year old definitely has a six pack. (And yes we supervise them, and yes they have kids' toys too).

Just a couple of thoughts.

1. if you don't like him playing with bricks, then move them...

2. if you are ok with him playing with bricks then you really need to make sure that he is wearing proper enclosed shoes when it's a possibility. Not that it'll keep his feet fully safe, but it's better than him going round with bare feet doing it.

3. as he's less than two, there is no such thing as him being fat yet. As long as he's following his line, etc the health visitors generally don't care. That will all change in 6m, as the moment he turns 2, they use the BMI measuring system which will then label him as morbidly obese. He may have slimmed down by then, but for big toddlers it's a big jump between those charts.

Your son doesn't look 3 he looks like a tall 18 month old with a normal pot belly. Sorry toddlers don't have six packs 😆 and Buddha rolls are for babies - toddlers don't tend to have them. The 1 year old is a very very small 1 year old though. That stands out more. Nothing wrong or unusual about the bricks. Many nurseries actively encourage that sort of play, ours has hammers, nails and huge wooden blocks, but for the love of god put shoes on the boy wherever bricks are accessible, I'd not have been hanging around to take a picture or like the person behind, just sitting there in the scenario 🙈.

Re people asking about you or husband being tall, just answer them. 'Yes dh was tall as a child' or 'no actually he wasn't' then move on. No need to go in to details or explanations.

@Frogsonglue thank you for sharing! We’ve also been working on house ( tho bricks aren’t a feature at home) and his dad is a sculptor so he is around unusual materials not just highly sanitised plastic tat. I think people forget that it was only 100 years ago that kids would be out learning outside all day.

[quote Angliski]**@Millionnewnames* @Ozanj* @Onthebrink87 @TheRealKateAdie and other mums with biggies and v physical kids I ask…

1. Advice on walking by roads- did you use a trike, reins? He is fast but not yet sensible. He hates reins understandably. I tend to just take him to where I can let him roam and go from there. How to transition?
2. He loves to lift and hurl, potatoes, toys etc. How to channel this? I have tried target practice and tidy away…
3. He is big and long and strong, not easy to physically hold onto when he throws a shit fit…I want to be there for him, but say, on the plane, I was nearly crying from the force of it… ideas? And lastly
4. When you are the mum with the go getter you never get to sit nicely on the picnic blanket with other mums at get togethers- you’re always running across the park. I embrace it but would welcome play date suggestions with slightly more containment. Obv covid us meant no living rooms till recently and playgroup still closed in my area. Eve W hen I took him to music group he just ran around stealing everyone else’s shaky eggs and donating woodblocks.[/quote]

In my experience:

Yes to reins. My girls accepted their backpacks when they figured out it meant they didn't have to be confined to a buggy. The safety of the reins helped me to chill a bit more with them too, rather than worry they'd bolt.

Reins were very handy for wearing them out safely in an airport. Lots and lots of exercise before getting on the plane (long haul to America). And then: all the books, all the colouring, all the snacks, all the screen time (there are no screen time rules on the airplane).

if you have any low-key hiking trails near you, that might be a good shout for a play date -- I always felt I could relax a bit on forest walks because the easy trails around here are pretty safe, and there are no cars. And it's normally pretty quiet so you and your grownup pals can hear each other speak. :)

First time Mum here also. People always comment on our daughter as being 'dinky'. My husband is 6'3, I'm 5'7 so we're both not exactly short.

It's just what people do, chit chat.

My 20 month DD is 91cm and 14kg, which isn’t overweight yet but definitely on the chubbier side, she’s gone down on weight for length measure, if he only started walking at 15 months and eating healthy food am sure his weight will even out. Don’t worry about comments, I’m overweight and got loadsa comments about what a chubby baby she was (she was, total butterball) and I took it quite personally but you have to have a thick skin when you have kids. If its not their size it’ll be ooooooh still in nappies…ooooooh not reciting war and peace yet? Ooooooooh not won an olympic medal yet?

I was going to say, as a PP has, that in Italian brutto can mean big, macho, so was likely a nice compliment. I also have donor conceieved kids 4 and 2 and we have started prepping our lines for stuff like this. We say yes they are tall/fair etc just like X (never mind no genetic relationship it is just true that they have similarities, builds a connection, and smooths the social interaction for adults and kids).

My son was also huge and they tried to refer us for obesity interventions (and in france someone once said he was trop gros - just too fat! Which from context we understood was cute... ) - you are right in your instinct that he's fine, and ivf kids are often bigger anyway.

Last thing - worth sitting down with your dp and deciding on the language/lines you want your son to be able to use. Your son won't need to explain his family as it sounds like it 'looks normal' (straight) but getting him ready to answer the questions that flummox you will help in the long run.

Enjoy your holiday!

I've been extremely lucky, he's always been very sensible. His dB came along when he was only 16m!! And he's always been very gentle. Not with me though, I've always been a "Tom boy" so I spent the first few years of his life foregoing being an adult and was usually on the floor wrestling and such!

He was the sort of toddler who only needed to be told once, in that if he went in kitchen cupboards etc I'd firmly tell him no and explain why (wether there was much understanding there I'm not sure) but he wouldn't need to be told again and we didn't need to baby proof etc (always did with the cupboard under the sink because better safe than sorry) Same with roads thankfully, he would walk happily alongside without hand holding and kept well away - open field and he was off! He's always been weirdly cautious and quite anxious, even now with his youngest db (7) if we are out walking near a river for example he is constantly pulling him up asking him not to get too close. It sounds like I'm a really anxious helicopter parent and he's picked it up from me - but I'm always the one trying to reassure him that everything's fine and I've managed to keep the 3 of them safe so far!
Ds2 has asd and would literally walk into traffic if he saw something that caught his attention so he was strapped into a trike that I'd push along!

As far as keeping them entertained, they were never particularly interested in toys and it was always the case that we'd be on the floor throwing each other around! People would accuse me of being over the top and performative - but it's just what we did! But I'm grateful I always put in the extra time because now the older 2 are bigger and stronger than me, they're so respectful! Even ds1 will occasionally have a bit of a teenage strop but then will catch himself and apologise for being rude etc. Unfortunately this isn't always the case with one another, I've gone from part of the tag team to the ref!

As far as what other people think of your child or your parenting - who tf cares! Just enjoy him and do what works for the pair of you, it'll get easier and will eventually become white noise 😉

I will add that I was a young mum, I was 20 when ds1 was born. Not really young but enough so that people would offer their opinion when I was pregnant so I was trained ready to laugh people off and thankfully just about had the energy for it! But I feel at 34 I appear to have aged in dog years and I'm knackered 🥴

@Winemewhynot

Oh my god if you insist on letting him carry bricks round at least put some shoes on the kid!

This made me laugh uncontrollably 😂😂

@Taliskerskye

Bloody hell, it’s clear the op doesn’t regularly let her kid work on a building site without shoes for 12 hours p/d She said the brick was taken ASAP.

Not so ASAP that they, or whoever was supposed to be supervising, didn't stop to take the photo first...

This made me laugh uncontrollably

Seems pretty sensible advice to me!

OP, My DS was this size at the same age. His dad is very tall but we were divorced by then and so rarely together. I am very petite, so people commented a lot, and all the way through. He doesn't even look like me at all, different colour of eyes and hair! He is now in his 20s, 6'4'' and I still look at him and can't imagine he came out of me.

All this to say that whether genetically yours or not, it doesn't make a difference. Your DS is who he is and that's that. If people are stupid enough to make rude and inappropriate comments, the issue is with them. Just to add that my DS has always been a big gentle. Such a king heart and caring for others. His PE teacher actually had to say to him in secondary school that he should use his size in his favour because he always felt self-conscious about hurting others.

His dad is a sculptor so he is around unusual materials not just highly sanitised plastic tat. I think people forget that it was only 100 years ago that kids would be out learning outside all day.

I think you forget that 100 years ago child mortality was huge (around 15% would die before the age of 5) it was common to beat children, and experts reccomended that children should not be hugged or kissed.

I'm not for wrapping them in cotton wool, but health and safety wise it's a good thing that we've moved on since the 1920s.

Put some shoes on him around building materials for goodness sake.

He looks like a gorgeous, healthy, happy little boy and I don't think you have anything to worry about. I'm Italian and brutto can also mean healthy, strong, definitely not ugly when referring to a child!

Aw OP, the chunky toddlers are THE BEST, I used to love my DC's chubby little thighs and cheeks.

If people ask if your DH was big just say "Yes he was/not really" depending on the truth - you don't have to go into detail about your conception journey with anybody except eventually your child

, the chunky toddlers are THE BEST,

Slim toddlers are equally adorable.

Righteous much @Moonbabysmum. Thanks for the lecture.

I voted YABU because you are letting strangers' rude comments upset you.

Randoms or even friends have no right to pry into your medical history! Your best bet is to say something like, "Oh, there's big bones on both sides of the family. We're amazed at how big and strong he is for his age, but clearly we're doing everything right!"

No lies told, no claims made, no confidential stuff disclosed.

Well done, btw, he sounds wonderful and you are clearly a top mum.

You do what you want love.

And if (when) your toddler who 'frequently' plays with bricks drops one on his bare toes, it won't be me explaining that to the hospital. I can't imagine then you'll go in about sanitised plastic etc.

Lots of people have mentioned him wearing shoes, I assume by you either ignoring them or writing sarky replies that you disagree?

@Moonbabysmum some others things From the ‘dark past’

• breastfed by default and breast milk shared when problems arose
• kids working alongside family rather than being dropped off at nursery for 40 hours a week with the mostly costly fees in the world for childcare crippling families
• village collective social responsibility for kids.

Not everything that was is worse than it is now.

He doesn't look that tall or big tbh ..

By working alongside family, you mean child labour...

Peachy.

And no, not everything is better. But there are less fatal accidents and more kids make it through childhood. You can't use 1920s health and safety principles to argue that a young toddler carrying a brick with bare feet is sensible 😂

What do you have against shoes. This is really really weird.

‘Highly sanistised plastic tat’

Like baby toys?

his dad is a sculptor so he is around unusual materials not just highly sanitised plastic tat

So if his dad was a tattooist or worked for Rentokil it would be equally fine for him to play with needles or rat poison?

Adult work materials are not always appropriate for small children to play with, especially in bare feet.