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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to Feel judged about size of son!

261 replies

Angliski · 04/08/2021 15:26

Ftm here. Conceived after five years of struggle, my gorgeous dS is 18 months old. Thing is he is very tall and strong. Off the charts of red book. He looks about 3- weighs 17kg nearly 90cm tall. He’s not fat, he has a six pack almost and likes lifting bricks. He has all his teeth and is just a big and advanced boy for his age.

Thing is, he was conceived by egg and sperm donation so he isn’t genetically linked to either of us. People always comment on how astonishingly big he is for a 1.5yr old, then they ask if DH is/was big. Don’t know how to reply to this. Will never know what his donors looked like as kids.

I feel so ashamed because I couldn’t use our own genetic material and I don’t know how to answer.

We are in Italy atm and today someone walked past and said he was ‘brutto’ which means ugly.he is actually a very handsome child who looks like a surfer but he is a weirdly big toddler. I was so upset. Also I am fat and very ashamed of it and think people think he is fat like me and/or doesn’t look like me ( he isn’t my colouring).

Aibu to get upset? Any advice?

OP posts:
TheWayTheLightFalls · 04/08/2021 15:31

Gah. I’m so sorry, that must hurt. I’d find a hand-wavey reply for any comments and leave it at that - “Oh yes, we’re sure he’ll eat us out of house and home as a teen!” or “Yup, we’ll be signing him up for rugby ASAP!”.

People do comment on kids’ attributes - size, colouring, shy, talkative, all sorts, and it can sting even if not meant maliciously and even if none of their fucking business. Please try not to give it headspace, it’s not worth it.

ImRhondaAndthesearentreal · 04/08/2021 15:31

You lost me at "has a six pack almost"

vodkaredbullgirl · 04/08/2021 15:34

I lost it at 6 pack too Smile and lifting bricks.

Auntienumber8 · 04/08/2021 15:35

Take no notice of the very mean person that’s just shows how dreadful they are.

DS was very big on the 99th centile, people always commented on how enormous he was. I’m really small but married to a very tall English guy. People probably think they are being positive in a sort of what a big strong boy way. I am assuming that because of the donor conception you feel upset by it. Just try and put that aside and remember your lad is loved and wanted and cared for.

Odile13 · 04/08/2021 15:36

Hi OP, I’m sorry people have been rude and particularly that someone called your son ugly, which is really nasty and not true of any child.

I can understand why people commenting on his size and asking you about DH is making you uncomfortable because of the donor egg and sperm. You don’t owe any of these people an answer so I would think of something you’re comfortable with saying and repeat it to people and don’t go into any details that you don’t want to. You could just say ‘yes, my son is a big healthy boy’ or something like that and say whatever you feel comfortable saying about your DH’s size. I suspect some people are just trying to make conversation and don’t mean anything by it, so try not to take it too personally.

Winemewhynot · 04/08/2021 15:38

YABU, stop worrying about what people say/think and enjoy your toddler and his six pack.

PolytheneRam · 04/08/2021 15:40

Six pack??

Aren't you worried he'll injure himself with a brick?? I have a son of the same age and I can't imagine letting him do that.

titchy · 04/08/2021 15:42

This reply has been deleted

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godmum56 · 04/08/2021 15:42

Learn the italian for go fuck yourself and mind your own business?

HSHorror · 04/08/2021 15:42

I think you may need to see someone about his weight- what does your hv say?
His height is tall 90cm is 2y3m 50th centile. But 17kg is average for a 4yo. Of course kids do lose weight as they get older so that is why 4yo arent that much heavier.
Or he is top centile for height but off the chart weight.

Comedycook · 04/08/2021 15:42

You really need to stop thinking about this... people always comment on babies and toddlers...big, small, curly hair, no hair, big eyes, long eyelashes etc etc.

If someone asks if his dad is tall or ask where he gets it from, just brush it off ..with a who knows?! Or I just feed him well!

Theblackdogagain · 04/08/2021 15:43

I had the other way round, twin boys and one was tiny as we adopted and he had suffered poor nutrition. So size 18 months at 3. I once got asked if his brother was normal sized and if there was something wrong with him. He's still small now but age appropriate small.

Ozanj · 04/08/2021 15:44

@Angliski

Ftm here. Conceived after five years of struggle, my gorgeous dS is 18 months old. Thing is he is very tall and strong. Off the charts of red book. He looks about 3- weighs 17kg nearly 90cm tall. He’s not fat, he has a six pack almost and likes lifting bricks. He has all his teeth and is just a big and advanced boy for his age.

Thing is, he was conceived by egg and sperm donation so he isn’t genetically linked to either of us. People always comment on how astonishingly big he is for a 1.5yr old, then they ask if DH is/was big. Don’t know how to reply to this. Will never know what his donors looked like as kids.

I feel so ashamed because I couldn’t use our own genetic material and I don’t know how to answer.

We are in Italy atm and today someone walked past and said he was ‘brutto’ which means ugly.he is actually a very handsome child who looks like a surfer but he is a weirdly big toddler. I was so upset. Also I am fat and very ashamed of it and think people think he is fat like me and/or doesn’t look like me ( he isn’t my colouring).

Aibu to get upset? Any advice?

Brutto used on a boy that looks like yours means ‘hard’ or ‘tough’. It’s definitely considered a compliment in many parts of Italy. Italians use insults in affectionate ways for kids - similar to the Middle East and Asia.
SomeoneInTheLaaaaaounge · 04/08/2021 15:45

Proof or ban

Happy36 · 04/08/2021 15:45

To call a child or anyone 'brutto' is vile. Whoever said that is ugly through and through.

TheAwfuITruth · 04/08/2021 15:46

Lol at the six pack and lifting bricks. I'm after a low patio wall building OP, reckon he could help me out? Grin

My DH is 6ft 2 and both his (biological) parents are less than 5ft 3. They still get comments now and he's mid forties!

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 04/08/2021 15:47

People always comment about kids, it's just chit chat. It generally only upsets us when we have a particular sensitivity. Don't let it get to you, it's really not worth it.

Just think of a couple of comments you're happy to make in reply, such as 'yes, he's just like his Dad' or 'No he's not like his Dad, he takes after the men in my family'

It doesn't even have to be the truth.

People are just chatting, trying to make a connection, don't let it upset you x

LordOfTheOnionRings · 04/08/2021 15:47

I would double take if I saw a toddler with a six pack tbh

MontysMinions · 04/08/2021 15:48

What has your HV said about his weight at his last check in? My son is 90cm just at 18 months which I don't think is particularly tall but his weight is around 11kg at last check and he's got normal toddler chub and pot belly.

17kg is very very heavy!

How is his eating?

RedHelenB · 04/08/2021 15:48

Toddlers shouldn't have 6 packs!

Couchbettato · 04/08/2021 15:49

At 17kg he definitely needs to be seen by a health visitor.

Also, why are you letting him play with bricks S:

careerchangeperhaps · 04/08/2021 15:50

People do like to comment on little kids' size. Mine were / are the opposite and so we had the 'don't you ever feed them?' questions and 'gosh, isn't she / he tiny for their age' statements. Just as annoying.

That said, it could be worth seeing your GP or HV. 19kg is very heavy for such a young child, even if he is tall. Also consider his car seat - many toddler car seats that are meant to be outgrown at around 4 years are only tested to be safe up to 18kg. At 18 months he's too young developmentally for a high back booster so make sure you've got a car seat with straps that goes up to 25kg or beyond.

Ozanj · 04/08/2021 15:51

It’s probably not abs but diactis recti. That can happen in overweight toddlers.

rattlemehearties · 04/08/2021 15:52

Thanks @Ozanj - "brutto" doesn't always mean ugly, are you an Italian speaker op?

I assume you've got your numbers wrong with the weight and height because at 18 months it does sound like there is something unusual going on...

Cuddlyrottweiler · 04/08/2021 15:54

My DS is also huge, but a bit younger than yours. I tend to say things like "yeah he's a strong one isn't he" "no one can say he's not being fed" "he's doing amazing isn't he" "we must be doing something right!" it's a positive thing say it like it is.

As for the dad thing, DS was born bigger than either me and DH , he's the biggest baby in both families for three generations. So I'd ignore the sperm donation issue and say "his size definitely doesn't come from us, he's just grown really well, we must be something right!"

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