Aibu to Feel judged about size of son!

[Angliski]

Ftm here. Conceived after five years of struggle, my gorgeous dS is 18 months old. Thing is he is very tall and strong. Off the charts of red book. He looks about 3- weighs 17kg nearly 90cm tall. He’s not fat, he has a six pack almost and likes lifting bricks. He has all his teeth and is just a big and advanced boy for his age.

Thing is, he was conceived by egg and sperm donation so he isn’t genetically linked to either of us. People always comment on how astonishingly big he is for a 1.5yr old, then they ask if DH is/was big. Don’t know how to reply to this. Will never know what his donors looked like as kids.

I feel so ashamed because I couldn’t use our own genetic material and I don’t know how to answer.

We are in Italy atm and today someone walked past and said he was ‘brutto’ which means ugly.he is actually a very handsome child who looks like a surfer but he is a weirdly big toddler. I was so upset. Also I am fat and very ashamed of it and think people think he is fat like me and/or doesn’t look like me ( he isn’t my colouring).

Aibu to get upset? Any advice?

People asking if your DH was big are just making conversation - they want to show interest in your child, but they're not really interested in why he's big. I'd suggest brushing it off with 'No, I don't know where he gets it from' and changing the subject.

People saying your child is ugly are beneath contempt.

Hi @Angliski my daughter is adopted and doesn't have my colouring at all, she tans when she even looks at the sun I am a very English Rose! People never notice they look for the similarities not the differences xx he may not have been made from your genetics but he is your baby

My 19 month old is exactly the same!
Has an 8 pack and does bricklaying as a hobby! Sometimes lays a bit of turf on a weekend

OP just ignore stupid comments from strangers that have no impact on your life what so ever
Enjoy your gorgeous boy and his 6 pack!

Oooooo an 8 pack thats 2 better

I don’t think the toddler is hefting house bricks. Lots of people call wooden blocks bricks, especially those beige coloured ones, I forget what they’re called but all nurseries have a massive box of them and they’re huge.

He does sound a big lad, maybe you could ask your health visitor just to set your mind at ease anyway? Hopefully the passerby didn’t call your child ugly, that’s an awful thing to say if so.

@BrozTito he's a little chubby boy really that picks his nose 90% of the day 😂😂

@GoAwayCat

Also op if he was icsi i think they can get an overgrowth syndrome. Beckwith-weidermann i think. Which it would be important to know as they are more prone to cancer

This is interesting. My DS is an icsi baby, was massive at birth and as a toddler and now upon reading more about Beckwith-Wiedemann, he actually some of the features of it. We always put it down to just little genetic quirks (for example he has a very unusual ear pit and a very rare dimple pattern).

OP, people were the same with my DS at that age, obsessed over his size. They still are obsessed with his large birth weight even though he's 5 now. I just used to say 'yep, a big healthy boy, going to be a star rugby player' or similar... It is tedious though.

Also once when I was Italy I remember someone shouting 'Milk! Haha! Milk! Yes?!' and pointing at my face. Yeah I'm very pale. I know.

That condition is one that is looked for at birth and, if you tell the NHS about icsi, regularly at each checkup. If there was something wrong you would definitely know by now so don’t worry.

That condition is one that is looked for at birth and, if you tell the NHS about icsi, regularly at each checkup. If there was something wrong you would definitely know by now so don’t worry

Ok fair enough. Although I don't think my birthing hospital knew about the icsi - it was never mentioned anyway.

It would explain the ear pits and a few other things I've always just put down to human bodies being weird, but yes my DS is thankfully a happy healthy 5 year old so I'd probably know if there was a serious condition!

The OP wouldn't have used ICSI since donor gametes were used.

@Kanaloa

I don’t think the toddler is hefting house bricks. Lots of people call wooden blocks bricks, especially those beige coloured ones, I forget what they’re called but all nurseries have a massive box of them and they’re huge.

He does sound a big lad, maybe you could ask your health visitor just to set your mind at ease anyway? Hopefully the passerby didn’t call your child ugly, that’s an awful thing to say if so.

Don’t discount anything with a toddler. Most are so determined they will figure out a way to do what they want even if it means dragging house bricks.

We’re getting building work done and in the 3mins I was distracted by a delivery he managed to get onto the site with the builders, climb a step ladder to the top, grab a really heavy hammer and tried to swing it around. The builders (Italian which is why I know what Brutto means, they use it a lot) thought it was hilarious and were facetiming their wives so they could see

Even if a dc is genetically linked to you then it is not a given that they will look like you both, my dsis and husband are both dark hair, dark eyes, but 2 dc are as blond as can be (and staying blond at 9 and 11) with blue eyes, they also get comments but just brush it off as "no clue where they got the blond hair and blue eyes from, crazy isn't it". Obviously for you it feels different as you have already had to go through the process to get to the donation and treatment to get pg, but please don't let it cloud your enjoyment, it can be the same genetic link or not.

How do random people know how old he is to judge him?
A six pack and lifting bricks? Really?

We have a giant child too, affectionately nicknamed "The mutant".

He's only 2 but he's in 4-5 clothes and is a 9 in a shoe. Has outgrown two buggies and car seat, all of which was supposed to last him another 2 years.

I feel terrible for him as people assume he's so much older than he is and have higher expectations of him than he can achieve. I also get funny looks if he's in his buggy, like i'm a lazy parent for not making him walk.

He's also a donor baby (though my egg). So like you always get the "daddy must be a big guy" comments, while my wife just grins. His donor was a tall, well-built man, but that's beside the point.

Don't let it bother you, OP.

he'll be like my DS2 who's just turned 18 and is 6' 7" with size 17 feet.
🤷‍♀️
he was always on 98-100 percentile and above it at times.

YANBU to feel how you feel. it's a shame people's comments sadden you but you can only let them bother you or ignore them, obviously you can't stop the comments.

so instead of letting it become a source of bad feelings turn it into an advantage!
I suggest that every time someone says something good or bad you put 10p worth of money in a jar for him! he'll have a tidy sum by the time he's an adult!
😉

He sounds gorgeous! I have a very large 14 month old boy. He looks like me facially but both me and my husband are quite small. He's been called butch before and so many people comment on his size. It used to upset me, but he's just meant to be big. I try and ignore it and not take offence as people don't mean to be rude. There's always someone who is going to be much bigger than the rest anyway

GoAwayCat - yes my dd2 is 91-98th centile and had umbilical hernia and something weird about ear. And a birthmark too.
Im pretty sure she wasnt check for BW.

However imo all icsi/ivf babies are more likely to be larger as they pick the ones developing the fastest so especially if you go to day 5 it will be ones with at least average number of cells. We had very few embryos 1-2 with dc1 (they didnt see embryo 2 divide so werent sure whether to implant). With dc2 there were only really 2 and again it was day 2/3. So they werent picking from lots.
Dp is around 6' though. Dd1 is dead on average (so actually smaller thsn id expect.)
Interestingly they were both at least a day ahead growth wise at the 7w scan. And the nhs changed dc2 due date by like a week.

Overfeeding dc can apparently make them grow taller younger but not increase adult height. So it's possible a tall overweight toddler becomes even a 5'7 man that then needs to lose weight as not grown as much. Dn was a tall toddler but has ended up maybe 5'9. He was very overweight at 4. My cousin however was a similar height but not overweight and reached 6'4.
A boy in dc1 class now was average height at 4 but shot up at 9yo. But also gained a lot of weight. It will be interesting to see how it pans out.
The other icsi kids i know are also significantly bigger than expecred by parent height.

I didnt really look into BW for dc2 as no large tongue (though does mispronounce certain words still).
I doubt she has seen a gp actually ever so nothing would have been noticed and hv are really no use at all.

we have a local kid we call manbaby, he and his parents use it themselves. He is huge but its more that he has an adults head

Iv got 2 very tall kids. I uses to put those t-shirts on with age on them when they were toddlers to stop people expecting more of them.

You dont have to tell people he isn't genetically yours, just smile and nod. Or say oh yes my family/dh family is tall.

Enjoys lifting bricks to get his six pack 😂😂😂😂

@Sunshinedaisymeadowsxx

I’d speak to a doctor as your DS is on the heavier side, for context my DS is 6 years old and 18kg (he’s 3rd centile) my dd is 2 and 10kg…

Was going to say the same thing. My 6 year old is a similar weight, and very tall for his age. He gets called lanky (or variations) all the time. It drives me mad, but I think that's because I'm sensitive about it .

Wow thank you everyone. I haven’t had time Tor Ed it all yet but @Ozanj thank you so much for helping me understand rhs tocmment, that helps so much.
@titchy please do one. That’s so unkind.

To give some context, he is a size 9 shoe since 14 months. I did take him to the GP and their diagnosis ‘ he is big for his age’. Ok he doesn’t have an actual six pack but what I mean is his tummy is flat, he doesn’t have Buddha rolls, he still has slightly fat thighs as he only started walking rather than near crawling at 15 months. But he is a BOG person not an obese person.

Will reply to others In a mo.

Re bricks- I’m not proud of it it is just what he is into. Will attach a photo when I’ve edited his face out.

• @titchy please do one. That’s so unkind.*

It's not unkind. It's true. Your child is morbidly obese. He needs looking at by a medical professional to ascertain why. It could be something that is rectifiable, or he could have an underlying condition. Wouldn't you rather know?

If you're talking about morbidly obese by BMI, that's only useful for 2+.

Actually even at 2+ it always said my DS was obese. He was perfect then and still is, he's now a really slim 5 year old.

You could always reply blithely that he’s a throwback to a towering great-grandfather, if any stranger is rude enough to comment.

Wouldn't pay any attention to any comment passed in Italy if I were you it's fat shaming central there