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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset that my boyfriend won't let me work from his place?

247 replies

Acey68 · 04/08/2021 14:19

We both have office jobs and obviously at the moment are working from home a fair bit. He flat out refuses to have me in the house when he is working.
The usual scenario is that we see each other on a week night and if I stay at his, he always insists I leave before his work day start.
Due to rush hour traffic and having to get up earlier to go home to mine, it would make my life a lot easier to wake up and work quietly upstairs from his bedroom on my laptop (he works downstairs in the kitchen) and then leave at 10/11am after the traffic instead of having to wake up early rush to get ready to be chucked out the house at 8am and then sit in traffic trying to get back to mine.
This only happens approx. once a week when I stay at his and it always feels a bit shit have him ask me 'am I leaving soon?' as soon as we wake up.
There have also been times where I have asked to work at his for a couple of days due to building works going on in my house and he has refused so I've had to go to my parents instead.
I can't understand what the issue is with me working upstairs in his house in a totally different room to him for a couple of hours one morning a week. I wouldn't bother him as I will be working myself. It makes me wonder how he would cope with us living together!
AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
KarmaStar · 04/08/2021 20:40

Get him to stay at yours and do the early commute,perhaps he will see your pov then.
Not knowing him it's difficult to say either way but there's no reason you should have to do all the running around.

tenredthings · 04/08/2021 20:56

Are you sure he hasn't got another woman who works nights and comes back in the day !

Bollocks989 · 04/08/2021 21:00

OP, I would go with your gut feel and not stay there during the week. Don't overthink it, take it from there.

sloutside · 04/08/2021 21:38

OP, I would go with your gut feel and not stay there during the week. Don't overthink it, take it from there

Good advice. Save yourself the hassle of the traffic. Stay in your own house. Get up when you want and start work in a relaxed way.

BoxHedge · 04/08/2021 21:40

Sounds like he’s not that into you and treading water until he meets someone else, OR he has hermit tendencies and will not be happy sharing a home with you or anyone.

Either way the relationship is going nowhere.

Maggiesfarm · 04/08/2021 21:48

You could be right but there may be more to it than that.

I was trying to think myself into the mind of someone who is used to living alone but enjoys the company of a 'friend' some days and weekends. Would I want them hanging around during the day when I either had other things to do or needed to be alone? I honestly don't know.

I've heard single people say they 'don't do all nighters', there's something in that. Better to enjoy your evening and then go home. It's nice to have the morning to yourself and if you have something to do, to get ready at your leisure without any chat.

When you live with a person it's a different scene altogether, you share your lives. The op's boyfriend is obviously not ready for taking that step.

If the op feels she wants more, maybe this relationship is not for her. I don't think you have said how long you have been seeing him, op.

You have your own place and can do as you please there, choose whether or not someone stays over. It is your space. Your boyfriend has his.

Ilovetea33 · 04/08/2021 22:02

He sounds rather ungenerous and very rigid, which doesn't bode well for a relationship. Are there any other rules you're supposed to abide by when you're at his place? I think PP are right: he's just not that into you.

Heronwatcher · 04/08/2021 22:40

Sorry to be blunt but I don’t think he’s that interested. That or he is a massive control freak. Either way I am not sure he’s a keeper. I think you might need to start mentally distancing yourself- don’t even think about moving in with him- or have a frank conversation about where you both see the relationship going. I personally couldn’t cope with someone so inflexible and seemingly uptight.

memberofthewedding · 04/08/2021 22:50

I run a company from home and I HATE having anyone in the house when Im trying to work. I have a set list of tasks to get through in the day and really really resent it if anyone or anything interrupts me. I dont require silence. In fact I work with music streamed through headphones so I cant hear anything going on outside or an unexpected visitor.

On the days when Im expecting a caller or a delivery I never really feel at ease until they have been and gone. I am very defensive of my territory.

memberofthewedding · 04/08/2021 22:54

The points made by Maggiesfarm resonate with me. I have a relative come once a week and spend an evening and am geared up for his visits. But when he goes I have the place to myself again. There is an old saying:-

Welcome the coming, speed the parting guest.

SingingInTheShithouse · 04/08/2021 22:59

It makes me wonder how he would cope with us living together

He doesn't want it, wouldn't cope & he knows it & if you listen properly, he is telling you this loud & clear.

I'm sorry but I doubt very much that this isn't a long term future building relationship for him

SingingInTheShithouse · 04/08/2021 23:00

Doubt it IS, not isn't 🤦‍♀️

Maggiesfarm · 04/08/2021 23:07

memberofthewedding:
Welcome the coming, speed the parting guest.
......
That is a good saying.

In fairness to the guy, he goes home readily enough from her house so doesn't have double standards.

I'm a lot older than the op (I presume - I'm 61), but think if I had had my own place as a single woman I would have wanted to enjoy it by myself for quite a long time. Therefore I am saying to the op, "Enjoy what you have".

CatNameChange101 · 04/08/2021 23:50

I can’t work at my boyfriends. He has a two bedroom flat, one converted into an office and I use the living room. I can only work when we are both in the separate rooms. As soon as He goes to the bathroom, the door, the kitchen and I’m uncomfortable. We have an amazing relationship but WFH was foisted upon people without a choice during all this, it wasn’t a choice made knowing living situations.

Snoozer11 · 05/08/2021 00:13

There have been so many posts on here of women not being prepared to have their husbands working from home, because they want space to themselves or to have their friends over etc. They're usually told they ANBU and their husbands are selfish for not wanting to return to their long commutes and waking at the crack of dawn.

Just pointing out that the responses are very different when sexes are reversed.

PandemicAtTheDisco · 05/08/2021 01:02

I think it sounds like he's still casually dating you rather than in a relationship with you.

I have a friend who dated someone like this for about three years. He didn't want her staying at his house when he wasn't there and wasn't happy if she left too much of her stuff there. He liked seeing her a couple of times over the weekend but she always wanted to see more of him. She said that was just how he was but she was forever trying to push for more from him. She'd had a few weekends away with him but he always went on holiday with his friends and she wasn't invited.

He got engaged to someone else a few months after they split. His new girlfriend was all over his facebook but he'd never mentioned my friend much on there when they were dating.

PrincessNutella · 05/08/2021 02:29

I would find this very unromantic behavior. If you're good enough to have sex with, I would think that he should be willing to cook you a decent breakfast and let you remain until after rush hour ffs. I would not stay at his house again, and if he asks, I would say, I prefer not to.

Thatsjustwhatithink · 05/08/2021 06:09

@Snoozer11

There have been so many posts on here of women not being prepared to have their husbands working from home, because they want space to themselves or to have their friends over etc. They're usually told they ANBU and their husbands are selfish for not wanting to return to their long commutes and waking at the crack of dawn.

Just pointing out that the responses are very different when sexes are reversed.

@Snoozer11

But the OP doesn't live at her boyfriends home. She has her own home. Thats where she should be WFH from. People who are discussing their husbands or live in partners are in a completely different situation. They have to share because they've decided to commit to each other and move in together.

Instead she's casually trying to stealth move in his home after he has explicitly said he didn't want her staying there when he wasn't there, that he didn't want her to stay when the builders were in her house and when she asked if she could work from his he said no.

It's got nothing to do with what sex each partner is, just that she won't listen to him saying 'no'.

SoundBar · 05/08/2021 07:24

God he sounds like hard work. It shouldn't be this hard this early on OP. Seriously consider ending this and maybe starting therapy so you can work on your boundaries and self esteem.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 05/08/2021 07:43

Re what you said about living together, imo that's totally different. If it's a visitor then there's a guilt about basically ignoring them all day and getting on with stuff whereas if you live together there isn't.
That's just my view but perhaps that's how he sees it.

cabingirl · 05/08/2021 16:12

I don't get the posters saying he sounds hard work and terrible. He's just being very very clear what his boundries and priorities are.

He's not lying to the OP and he's not being hypocritical about anything - his behaviours are very consistent with what he says is important to him. He's also making it clear he likes to plan and keep to a plan.

They are either not at the same relationship stage currently

or

They are incompatible for a long term relationship as their living/life styles will never be similar enough to merge well.

Sometimes a planner and a more spontaneous personality can bring out the best in each other but sometimes it just doesn't make anyone happy.

2Rebecca · 05/08/2021 16:51

It sounds as though he doesn't want to spend as much time together as a couple. I'd stop staying at his house if it's that inconvenient. I'm not sure if you are together on "a" week night ie 1 night a week or "every" week night with one of those nights at his. I think if working from home a lot of people like to treat it like working in an office so don't want distractions and people coming in making coffee etc. It sounds as though he wants more of an arm's length relationship than you do. Do you lack hobbies? Do you do anything together apart from go for a drink and have sex? It sounds like you want different things

Tinkerbell1980 · 05/08/2021 17:26

Could it be a confidentiality issue? Depending on his job he may have to guarantee he is complying to GDPR regulations

niugboo · 05/08/2021 17:29

So basically he wants sex and for you to vanish afterwards?

Nah. I would start making a point of going home after an evening out so he gets your company but no sex. You will have your answer fast. It sounds to me like you’re a stop gap.

Sorry.

LittleMissPlant · 05/08/2021 17:46

Space is so important. Being with someone 24/7 isn’t healthy.

I’d want my own space to work and space to just be apart