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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be upset that my boyfriend won't let me work from his place?

247 replies

Acey68 · 04/08/2021 14:19

We both have office jobs and obviously at the moment are working from home a fair bit. He flat out refuses to have me in the house when he is working.
The usual scenario is that we see each other on a week night and if I stay at his, he always insists I leave before his work day start.
Due to rush hour traffic and having to get up earlier to go home to mine, it would make my life a lot easier to wake up and work quietly upstairs from his bedroom on my laptop (he works downstairs in the kitchen) and then leave at 10/11am after the traffic instead of having to wake up early rush to get ready to be chucked out the house at 8am and then sit in traffic trying to get back to mine.
This only happens approx. once a week when I stay at his and it always feels a bit shit have him ask me 'am I leaving soon?' as soon as we wake up.
There have also been times where I have asked to work at his for a couple of days due to building works going on in my house and he has refused so I've had to go to my parents instead.
I can't understand what the issue is with me working upstairs in his house in a totally different room to him for a couple of hours one morning a week. I wouldn't bother him as I will be working myself. It makes me wonder how he would cope with us living together!
AIBU or is he?

OP posts:

ChelleMum85 · 05/08/2021 17:50

Why would you stay with someone like this? He's treating you like dirt. Probably getting his leg over and wanting you out before his wife gets home.

Mollymoostoo · 05/08/2021 17:56

@Acey68

We both have office jobs and obviously at the moment are working from home a fair bit. He flat out refuses to have me in the house when he is working. The usual scenario is that we see each other on a week night and if I stay at his, he always insists I leave before his work day start. Due to rush hour traffic and having to get up earlier to go home to mine, it would make my life a lot easier to wake up and work quietly upstairs from his bedroom on my laptop (he works downstairs in the kitchen) and then leave at 10/11am after the traffic instead of having to wake up early rush to get ready to be chucked out the house at 8am and then sit in traffic trying to get back to mine. This only happens approx. once a week when I stay at his and it always feels a bit shit have him ask me 'am I leaving soon?' as soon as we wake up. There have also been times where I have asked to work at his for a couple of days due to building works going on in my house and he has refused so I've had to go to my parents instead. I can't understand what the issue is with me working upstairs in his house in a totally different room to him for a couple of hours one morning a week. I wouldn't bother him as I will be working myself. It makes me wonder how he would cope with us living together! AIBU or is he?

How did he cope in the office with other people around? I would be wondering A. Does he actually work/do the job he has told me he does B. Does he think I might come in the room and his work mates don't know he is in a relationship. C. As above and he is trying to hide that he is in a relationship D. He is not ready for anything more than one overnighter a week.

How does he react to weekend stays? This needs a conversation and exploring if you are really thinking that you might live together as some employers are allowing working from home as a long term thing.

Lilywc · 05/08/2021 18:01

Is he Actually working?? Or has he lost his job & pretending to work? Or I wouldn’t stay there overnight if he won’t let you work, something fishy in my eyes

MrsTophamHat · 05/08/2021 18:06

I don't think it's unreasonable to want to be alone to work, but it is unreasonable to put the inconvenience all on you.

I would just refuse any overnight stays when there was work the next day. He can't have it both ways. If he isn't happy with that arrangement then you both need a solution that is equally in/convenient for each of you. Maybe he stays sober and drives you home at the end of the evening for instance?

csigeek · 05/08/2021 18:13

Does he not do the job he tells you he does? Maybe he makes his month on onlyfans and doesn’t want you to know!

riceuten · 05/08/2021 18:22

He's probably got someone else involved.

Joesmummy1 · 05/08/2021 18:24

It’s a bit weird tbh.

Unless he works in a very sensitive area- child protection etc

GrannyRose15 · 05/08/2021 18:32

Obviously, he doesn't think he would work as well if you were in the house. It's bad enough one person working from home let alone two. His is a very reasonable point of view that you should respect. On the other hand I would seriously be thinking about whether this chap is the right one for you in the long term as you don't seem to be able to understand each other's POV and there are circumstances when he is not comfortable with you being around. Take time to think about the implications.

Tessabelle74 · 05/08/2021 18:42

It's his house and he clearly thinks you'll disrupt his working day being there. If I ha my partner around the house, I'd get nothing done as I'd be chatting to them etc. If you don't like having to leave, suggest he stays at yours and don't stay at his.

MrsMarni · 05/08/2021 18:43

when he works from the office, does he have a separate office space just for him? typically offices nowadays are open space, so wonder how he works with all other people around him ...

Margerine78 · 05/08/2021 19:00

OP- I totally get your point but I think I'd be the BF in this situation, I get easily distracted, like alone time especially when I have to concentrate, and also have a lot of zoom calls etc and get self conscious talking shop and being all 'business' when someone I know is around to hear it. Is he on the introverted side? If so it's just that personally thing and nothing personal I'd say.

Looubylou · 05/08/2021 19:05

This waves red flags for the future-sounds like he needs to be in complete control of his environment. How could you ever live together? Can you imagine if you did and then had a child?? Big thinking to do here. Unless you want to stay exactly how you are and never progress.

JustMeAndWheatley · 05/08/2021 19:20

Wife/partner who works nights?

Pinkfluff76 · 05/08/2021 19:27

I think he’s being super weird!

efasdfasdfsf · 05/08/2021 19:38

Dump him. He's being a dick. Trust me, he's only your boyfriend now so he should be falling over himself to have you to stay. The thing with men is that he'll only become worse as the relationship progresses, so dump him now, you've seen what he's like.

Maggiesfarm · 05/08/2021 19:59

@Margerine78

I would be the same.

In the op's place, I wouldn't want to be hanging around anyway.

Why they can't just see each other and then go home I don't know (I get there are distances/transport involved during the week but it's easier at weekends). What is the point of the op buying her own house if she would rather be sleeping elsewhere?

There's many a married person who nostalgically looks back on days of being single with great affection. Many of us don't make the most of our singleness. The op has a home, she is in an enviable position.

toocold54 · 05/08/2021 20:13

YABU I couldn’t think of anything worse than having my newish partner in the house. Either they’d distract me or I’d be distracting them, it would be hard to get into work mode.
It would also feel like too serious/fast as it would almost be like living together instead of the fun dating part of it.

How long have you been together?
I would just not stay Sunday nights or leave earlier Monday morning to miss the traffic.

Botanica · 05/08/2021 20:28

Very odd. Would be a red flag for me. Definitely not partner material. I'd be having a conversation to get to the bottom of it and then most likely moving on.

Loudestcat14 · 05/08/2021 20:35

Haven't read the full thread but have read your comments, OP, and to me it reads as though he doesn't see you as his girlfriend at all, but merely a woman he goes out for a drink with once or twice a week and has sex with afterwards. Asking you to leave on a work day I can sort of understand if he finds it hard to concentrate, but organising a gym session at 9am on a weekend and expecting you to leave with him? That's not a relationship.

Privateandconfidentialplease · 05/08/2021 21:55

I am curious op. Have you decided whether to chat to your boyfriend about it? Is there an outcome.

Yourcatisnotsorry · 05/08/2021 22:00

YANBU. If he can’t have you in the house for an hour to make your visit significantly easier he’s never going to cope living together or shock horror with kids 😂

VerbenaGirl · 05/08/2021 22:17

Sounds a bit odd, but maybe he’s self conscious? I’ve been married for ages, but it is still odd when I’m on a work call and my DH is home (key worker on shifts). I think you really need to ask him about this to find out what’s what.

omgthepain · 05/08/2021 22:53

@Acey68

I think you need to look at the bigger picture here

He isn't committed to you as you don't live Together and it's not looking likely if he doesn't want you there "while he's
Working"

I'd be considering my situation here and leaving him it's
Not
Going anywhere is it?

MidsummerMimi · 05/08/2021 23:02

I feel that he is trying to create distance. He may have very justifiable reasons for doing this, but it is important to be aware of it.
This dynamic is not confined to you being allowed to work in his home.
I think it is making you feel insecure and causing you to try to get closer.
You are now in a vicious circle.
If it were me, I would go out of my way to demonstrate that I did NOT want to work from his house.
I would do this with minimal discussion and zero emotion, so it did not look like any kind of bid for attention.
See what happens then.

AtrociousCircumstance · 05/08/2021 23:13

He sounds like an arse. Really not a good bet for a relationship.

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