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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Half sibling

325 replies

Linnieloulou · 04/08/2021 11:05

I recently told my son he was only a half brother to his dad’s new child after he came home from a visit telling me about his new brother. I explained to him that as his step mother is not his mum, it makes him a half brother. My ex is now upset that I didn’t involve him in this decision as he feels I should of discussed it with him first and agreed together how he refers to his sibling. He’s 9 years old so I feel he will work out for himself he is only half brother eventually so why not make it clear now. Have I been unreasonable?

OP posts:
Stevearnottsbeard · 04/08/2021 13:56

Wow, I'm guessing your not happy about your ex having another child? Like others, I suspect you wouldn't be saying the same thing if it was you having another baby. And referring to them as 'only half' is belittling their existence and relationship. I have a son with my ex and 2 daughters with my husband, we have never ever referred tho them as half siblings, they don't and nobody in our family do, I would be extremely pissed off, angry and upset if they did, as would my children.
I think you are being very bitter and nasty about it.

shockthemonkey · 04/08/2021 13:56

It's a shame you felt you had to say that.

SD1978 · 04/08/2021 13:57

Given OP hasn't been back, it's sounding more like a troll and run scenario..........

RedMarauder · 04/08/2021 13:57

@Bulbulousmaximus

I have a query. One of my children was born using an egg donor. Do I need to tell them they're only a half sister to the others?
Nope.

Children aren't stupid.

We can work out what a half-sibling is.

Though day-to-day if it comes to it we just say "My brother has a different father from me" or "My sister has a different mum from me"

Lbnc2021 · 04/08/2021 13:58

What a shame you had to be so spiteful and petty to your own little boy.

Empressofthemundane · 04/08/2021 14:01

I have a half sister who is 18 years my junior.

When we are talking amongst ourselves, we are sisters, but explaining relationships to outsiders, we are open about the reality that we are half sisters. It puts the age difference, along with other differences into context.

LyndaMcLynda · 04/08/2021 14:05

[quote Crabbitcrab]@Linnieloulou are you coming back or is this a froth and run?[/quote]
Would you come back after reading the nasty shit that everyone has directed at her??

Saying YABU and why rather than attacking her and telling her she's nasty, spiteful and jealous would probably be a better approach but it's easy to be a cunt when you're anonymous and on a forum isn't it.

Aprilx · 04/08/2021 14:05

I think it sounds like you were being spiteful.

EverybodyIsInteresting · 04/08/2021 14:08

*Would you come back after reading the nasty shit that everyone has directed at her??

Saying YABU and why rather than attacking her and telling her she's nasty, spiteful and jealous would probably be a better approach but it's easy to be a cunt when you're anonymous and on a forum isn't it*

You make it sound like that's something that crabbitcrab did. Entirely unfair.

And no, not everyone has directed nasty shit at the op.

WTFuckery · 04/08/2021 14:09

My dad did this about my sister when I was 10, I already knew the dynamics because he was on his third wife by then and he did it because he couldn't stand to see my Mum happy. I was excited talking about my new sister. This was eight years after he and my Mum split but to have my Dad stop me and tell me because it's not his child then she's "only" my half sister was actually pretty hurtful to me and it's when I started seeing him and stepmum for the nasty jealous bitter twats that they are.

Oddly, when he had a baby, he hit the roof when I corrected someone who asked if I was pleased to have a new sister and I corrected them and said she's only my half sister, not my sister. Apparently it's rude and hurtful to do that and step-mum said I was trying to be "clever". I really wasn't, I thought it was what he wanted because he was always so quick to correct me. In reality he just wanted to hurt my Mum. Other than him, nobody corrected me when I said sister and I can't imagine ever doing to myself child, she calls my husbands son her brother. I'd feel like a twat if I corrected her said "no, he's only your half sibling"

Yeah it may be factually correct but it's a really shit thing to do when they come home talking about a new sibling. If knowing the truth was the reason then surely sitting him down and having a chat during the pregnancy instead of the first time he meets new baby and is excited?

LittleBirdBlu · 04/08/2021 14:09

I'm sorry but yes you have been unreasonable. It just seems like you've turned his excitement about his new brother into something negative.

sailmeaway · 04/08/2021 14:10

Seems a little spiteful, why do it? His brother is his brother is his brother.
I can't imagine he'll ever think of his new sibling as just half rather than a whole...

toocold54 · 04/08/2021 14:11

YABU
You told him the truth there should be no hiding the fact he’s a half brother but it sounds like you told him because he was saying ‘my brother’ which is accurate.
He’s his brother whether half or full, no one goes around saying my half brother, my full brother.

LizzieW1969 · 04/08/2021 14:11

The word that stands out is not half but the fact you said ONLY. That was very unkind, if not cruel. I wonder if your son will remember the day he was so excited about his brother and you spoilt it for him? I bet he does.

^I agree with this. It isn’t about the fact that you said that this was his ‘half brother’, but the fact that you used the word ‘only’. It was also very poor timing, when your DS was excited about having a baby brother,

LoverOfLight · 04/08/2021 14:14

Yup honestly I think it was mean and petulant of you.

He's excited and you chose to put a negative spin on things by insisting on "correcting" him. Surely it's obvious that whether you meant it or not, correcting from "full" brother to "half" brother is is one way or another implying some kind of distance.

He knows you are not the mother of the baby, he is 9 years old. I think it's unnecessary and divisive.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 04/08/2021 14:14

@LizzieW1969

*The word that stands out is not half but the fact you said ONLY. That was very unkind, if not cruel. I wonder if your son will remember the day he was so excited about his brother and you spoilt it for him? I bet he does.*

^I agree with this. It isn’t about the fact that you said that this was his ‘half brother’, but the fact that you used the word ‘only’. It was also very poor timing, when your DS was excited about having a baby brother,

Agreed.

It’s a combination of “only” and the timing that makes it awful.

If OP has any more children, I hope she’s prepared for her son referring to them as “only” his half siblings.

LoverOfLight · 04/08/2021 14:16

Oh yes I only just picked up on the "only" too. Why are you acting like a child? Are you and your ex fairly recently separated?

mam0918 · 04/08/2021 14:16

But it IS his brother... the 'half' is irrelivant and only used to denote parentage not siblinghood - you may not be the mother but he IS the brother.

He was excited and you shit all over that and tried to discredit and devalue his relationship with his sibling just because it doesnt involve you.

Sounds like you're jealous and petty to be honest and all you did was hurt your child, does that honestly make you feel 'better' about not being over your ex?.

jajabanks · 04/08/2021 14:16

Would you say the same thing if you had a child with a different partner? Sorry kid this is only your half brother! Yes of it's correct what you told him but is he now supposed to love him half as much. I think that was pretty mean to be so direct to a young boy.

clickychicky · 04/08/2021 14:18

There would have been a better time to explain the technicalities of it. I know we did with my DSC and said we didn't mind if they wanted to call LO a half-sibling or a sibling.

clickychicky · 04/08/2021 14:19

But when he has come home telling you all about him excitedly is not the time. It's like you want this child to mean little to him.

Deedoubleyou · 04/08/2021 14:20

That was a really horrible thing to do to your poor son. He was really excited about having a baby brother and you turned it into cheap point scoring and made it "less than". If you have another child will you insist they call them half siblings?

peboh · 04/08/2021 14:21

It's one thing to explain the facts, it's another to use those facts to negatively affect a relationship. You did the latter. Your child isn't stupid. He knows your his mum, and that his brother has another mum, so why you felt the need to use that in a conversation when he was seemingly excited is beyond me. It's immature, and quite frankly pathetic.

LyndaMcLynda · 04/08/2021 14:21

@EverybodyIsInteresting

*Would you come back after reading the nasty shit that everyone has directed at her??

Saying YABU and why rather than attacking her and telling her she's nasty, spiteful and jealous would probably be a better approach but it's easy to be a cunt when you're anonymous and on a forum isn't it*

You make it sound like that's something that crabbitcrab did. Entirely unfair.

And no, not everyone has directed nasty shit at the op.

Interpret it however you like.

All I know is that what's going to stand out for the OP are the posters being overly harsh rather than the few that have let her down gently.

"Pissing on his chips" seems to be a favourite among those who obviously have no original train of thought.

Chloemol · 04/08/2021 14:22

No YANBU. You have explained how it actually is. He can still refer to him as his brother, but he understands how it works

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