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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Half sibling

325 replies

Linnieloulou · 04/08/2021 11:05

I recently told my son he was only a half brother to his dad’s new child after he came home from a visit telling me about his new brother. I explained to him that as his step mother is not his mum, it makes him a half brother. My ex is now upset that I didn’t involve him in this decision as he feels I should of discussed it with him first and agreed together how he refers to his sibling. He’s 9 years old so I feel he will work out for himself he is only half brother eventually so why not make it clear now. Have I been unreasonable?

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 04/08/2021 19:01

So it would appear OP was obviously just posting this thread to be goadie given she is a first time poster and then posted and ran.

Wonder if she’s now sent it to the tabloids.

SeasonFinale · 04/08/2021 19:02

You need to put aside any bitterness that your ex has a new family for the sake of your son. How petty to point out he is a "half" brother. As he gets older he will know that is what he is but it does smack of sour grapes on your part.

Original poster
Linnieloulou · 04/08/2021 19:14

@AlternativePerspective

So it would appear OP was obviously just posting this thread to be goadie given she is a first time poster and then posted and ran.

Wonder if she’s now sent it to the tabloids.

It’s a genuine situation. It’s very unfair you feel the need to make such unfair comments.
OP posts:
RogueRebel · 04/08/2021 19:16

Obviously what you have said is the truth in a factual way. However only you know your intentions when telling your child the information - as others have said would you refer to any half siblings as such if you are the mum?
It's this information that will define if you are unreasonable.
However it comes across as spiteful that you chose to have this conversation when your son was excited and sharing his experiences with you.
You may have ruined your sons willingness to tell you about his time at his dads.

I wouldn't refer to half siblings as such unless further explanation was needed and even then you can describe it differently.

LoverOfLight · 04/08/2021 19:46

@Linnieloulou

So do you regret it? It could be mended by being more warm to your child's excitement and referring to the other child as brother if that's what he chooses to do.

It's really not worth sweating over as the only one who will be hurt by this is your child. It sounds like this situation is maybe hard for you so I do hope you take care of yourself and feel better Flowers

ILoveShula · 04/08/2021 19:49

@Linnieloulou, other than the 'only' a half-brother, I am with you.

An acquaintance argued with me that her two sons are brothers - it was in a medical history context.

The aren't brothers, they are half-brothers.

Assuming that the baby's mother was the OW, I can understand why you would not like to refer to the baby as your son's brother. If the baby was your son's brother, he would be your son,and he isn't.

LoverOfLight · 04/08/2021 19:57

So if the OP had another baby, not with her ex, the child would be her son's sibling, but because it is the ex who has had a baby with someone else, that child is only a half sibling?

Right....

ancientgran · 04/08/2021 19:59

[quote ILoveShula]@Linnieloulou, other than the 'only' a half-brother, I am with you.

An acquaintance argued with me that her two sons are brothers - it was in a medical history context.

The aren't brothers, they are half-brothers.

Assuming that the baby's mother was the OW, I can understand why you would not like to refer to the baby as your son's brother. If the baby was your son's brother, he would be your son,and he isn't.[/quote]
Why would you argue with someone about what she calls her children?

ILoveShula · 04/08/2021 20:05

@ancientgran, it was concerning a medical condition. She was saying that if her DS1 had a medical condition then DS2 would have it because they were full brothers.

They had different DFs so not full brothers.

The two boys were growing up as brothers, and I wasn't arguing about what she called her sons.

RememberWhatItWasLike · 04/08/2021 20:07

I really don't get the people who are insisting that because it is a biological fact that it makes it ok. You are will fully missing the point.

My children are adopted, they are not related biologically. Not once has my daughter ever asked if her brother is her full/half/biological or real brother. He is just her brother. She knows he has different biological parents to her but I have never felt the need to make the point that he is "only" and adoptive brother. Doesn't make a blind bit of difference if it's biological fact. She knows the biological facts and she calls him her brother.

OPs son knows that this baby has a different mother. So why must it be labelled as "half".
What exactly was the point?

PinniGig · 04/08/2021 20:08

It's technically right that he's a half brother but by pointing it out specifically you have already been divisive and given your son the implication he shouldn't refer to or think of him as being his brother.

I'm with your ex for being pissed off at you about it to be honest. I would be.

ancientgran · 04/08/2021 20:09

I have been married twice, children from both marriages. One day my late MIL objected to her GC referring to their brothers, "They aren't your brothers, they are only half brothers." They never forgave her, in fact if it comes up now, years after her death, it still annoys them.

Don't think of yourself in this, think of your son who is excited about his new baby brother and you will reap the benefits of your generosity.

ancientgran · 04/08/2021 20:12

[quote ILoveShula]@ancientgran, it was concerning a medical condition. She was saying that if her DS1 had a medical condition then DS2 would have it because they were full brothers.

They had different DFs so not full brothers.

The two boys were growing up as brothers, and I wasn't arguing about what she called her sons.[/quote]
Are you her doctor? I am sure the medical professionals will sort it out. Unless you are her doctor it isn't your business.

ILoveShula · 04/08/2021 20:14

Because they are not brothers. They are half-brothers.

@RememberWhatItWasLike, I don't like people (not you, because it is relevant to the thread) referring to a DC as 'adopted DC'.

Example would be "[Famous celebrity]'s adopted DD" when it is not relevant to mention it.

QueenCoconut · 04/08/2021 20:14

My ex and his new wife have just had a baby daughter. My daughter keeps talking about her new baby sister and it would never cross my mind to say it was only her half-sister.
They are sisters!

ILoveShula · 04/08/2021 20:18

@ancientgran, no I'm not her doctor.

Like you she was the sort who would argue that blue was pink if it suited her.

ancientgran · 04/08/2021 20:20

[quote ILoveShula]@ancientgran, no I'm not her doctor.

Like you she was the sort who would argue that blue was pink if it suited her.[/quote]
Yes and you never said a word did you. Not your business.

ILoveShula · 04/08/2021 20:24

Change it from a medical condition to hair colour, then if she said DS2 will have black hair because DS1 has black hair.

Say DS1's dad had black hair, DS2's dad was blond, and the DM was light brown, then DS2 would probably not have black hair would he.

toocold54 · 04/08/2021 20:26

OP you need to explain further to know whether you were BU or not.
Did he ask why he’s his brother even though they have a different mum?
Or was he just saying I saw my bother today and you said he’s your half brother?

ancientgran · 04/08/2021 20:28

Why does it bother you? If he's born with blonde, blue or pink hair then it will be there for all to see. If the child doesn't have the medical condition she can't magically make him (that would be insane anyway) what is the point of you and her arguing about it? Do you always have to have the last word?

ILoveShula · 04/08/2021 20:33

I was debating with her because she was determined that her younger son should have an operation because her elder son had had it.

It was an operation that you are better of not having unless absolutely necessary.

DeflatedGinDrinker · 04/08/2021 20:34

Jealous much op. I grew up in the same house as half siblings my mum didn't feel the need to point this out to us even though we are different colours. You sound spiteful.

ILoveShula · 04/08/2021 20:34

off not of.

It was something like an appendectomy.

DeflatedGinDrinker · 04/08/2021 20:34

Should have said OUR mum

eeyore228 · 04/08/2021 20:37

I hate the term ‘half’. Its not my fault we have different parents and neither was it my siblings. It was always said in a way that sounded like it wasn't as good as being a ‘full’ sibling. They are my siblings end of.