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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Half sibling

325 replies

Linnieloulou · 04/08/2021 11:05

I recently told my son he was only a half brother to his dad’s new child after he came home from a visit telling me about his new brother. I explained to him that as his step mother is not his mum, it makes him a half brother. My ex is now upset that I didn’t involve him in this decision as he feels I should of discussed it with him first and agreed together how he refers to his sibling. He’s 9 years old so I feel he will work out for himself he is only half brother eventually so why not make it clear now. Have I been unreasonable?

OP posts:
DeflatedGinDrinker · 04/08/2021 20:39

I like my half sister more than my full sister tbh. Never used the term half to describe them in my life I don't love them any different. They are just siblings. My kids dont say half aunt and uncle

crabette · 04/08/2021 20:49

I'm pregnant at the moment, and have a DSS who's 12. She was chatting to me the other day about how excited she was about her new sibling - and then went a bit quiet and asked if they were "really going to be their real brother or sister" as someone had apparently told her they'd "only be half".

It's true, of course, and obvious, but it's not something we've ever explicitly pointed out, as we didn't see it as being important and didn't want to put unnecessary distance between her and her feelings for the new baby. At the end of the day they'll be treated as siblings, and she's been so excited - and seemed down about the prospect of it not being a "real" thing.

I swiftly trotted out a few examples of people she knows who are technically half-siblings but of course demonstrably behave as "full" siblings and are just viewed as siblings, and certainly never refer to themselves as half-anything.

You're not wrong in what you've said, but not sure what the point of saying it was aside from to reinforce a separation or distance between you and your DS, and your ex and their new family unit. Which I get from your perspective, but isn't really nice or beneficial for your DS 🤷🏻‍♀️

chalamet · 04/08/2021 21:04

Sounds like you said it because you want to distance your son from his new brother because he’s part of your ex’s new family. “Only a half brother” Hmm

I have three half siblings and we have grown up together. I am incredibly close to all of them.

Ginger1982 · 04/08/2021 21:13

Sounds like he was excited and you pissed all over his excitement. Unless he was asking specific questions, why did you feel the need to mention it at that point?

MichelleScarn · 04/08/2021 22:47

@crabette you sound fab and think your response is something op could learn from.

Maggiesfarm · 04/08/2021 22:50

[quote MichelleScarn]@crabette you sound fab and think your response is something op could learn from.[/quote]
Too right!
Good for you crabette.

Maggiesfarm · 04/08/2021 22:53

Linnieloulou:
It’s a genuine situation. It’s very unfair you feel the need to make such unfair comments.
........
Life is often unfair and sometimes the truth hurts.

Of course what you said was technically correct but was it necessary to say it? I wonder about your motives.

SD1978 · 04/08/2021 23:19

Not really unfair to assume goading or trolling @Linnieloulou given you've posted something inflammatory, not clarified anything, and fecked off with no further comment, except to say you're not being goady.......... so goady, trolling or slow news day fodder seems more likely given no posting history and no follow up 💁‍♀️

crabette · 04/08/2021 23:22

@MichelleScarn @Maggiesfarm Thank you ❤️ She definitely seemed reassured and back to full excitement!!

For the record OP I am not at all trying to become a pseudo-mother to DSD... she knows full well even though this will be her sibling and she's a full part of our family, she only has one mum. Both is good.

VienneseWhirligig · 04/08/2021 23:31

My DS and his brothers never referred to each other as "half". They have different mums, that's true, but they are still their dad's children. The older boys did live with us full time so had that close sibling relationship despite the age difference, but even now they are adults, anyone referring to them as anything but brothers gets short shrift from them. To be fair they all look identical...

Saoirse82 · 04/08/2021 23:45

@LittleBitOfMayo

My older 3 siblings are my 'half' siblings and never ever have we called them half siblings.

You're nasty. And you know it. You wanted to score a cheap point and that was hurting your own sons feelings. How low can you go.

It's his brother if you like it or not.

This. Really nasty of you OP. My friends ex husband did the same thing to their daughter without my friends knowledge and she broke her heart over the delivery of the information (the child). She still talks about it now 5 years on, she's 13 now, it really hurt her because she felt her dad was doing it out of spite, which he was. If you have another child will you be reminding your ds that your new baby is 'only' his half sibling? My DH has a half sister on his mother's side and 3 half siblings on his fathers, he calls them all brother or sister, I've never actually heard anyone use the term half unless they've been estranged their whole lives.
DippingToes · 04/08/2021 23:49

Oh, that was really mean; horrible to read this. Your poor son. Please make it up to him by sharing in his excitement. This isn't a time for you to show jealousy.

toocold54 · 04/08/2021 23:50

You're nasty. And you know it. You wanted to score a cheap point and that was hurting your own sons feelings. How low can you go.

Probably why OP has gone quiet knowing that she’s in the wrong.

AlternativePerspective · 04/08/2021 23:51

It’s a genuine situation. It’s very unfair you feel the need to make such unfair comments. I never said it wasn’t a genuine situation. I genuinely believe that you are bitter and spiteful enough to do this to your DS.

I said it was goadie, which it most definitely is. you post here for the first time, either as a first time poster or as a name changer and you know full well this would provoke a strong response or you wouldn’t be asking on AIBU if you were unreasonable. And then you skip back just after I point out that this is clearly a goadie post. How very convenient. Obviously you’ve been reading all along or you took hours to read through every post to get to mine, and yet the only response to all the comments on this thread was to mine.

Give over.

Maggiesfarm · 05/08/2021 00:02

I think the op will have a change of heart, sit down and talk to her son making it clear the baby is his BROTHER, explaining she was just being technical.

It was probably an instant reaction which provoked her to say what she did.

Onthebrink87 · 05/08/2021 00:08

Only 🙄 yeah that was spiteful and you appear to have something going on with regards to your ex having a baby with his new partner maybe? Either way, I do hope putting that shit on your child made you feel better about it - and terribly sorry people are being so mean, pointing it out!

messybun101 · 05/08/2021 01:48

My brother was told by someone when he was young that I was his half sister. He described me once as this when he was 7. It destroyed me. There's 8 years between us.
I can tell you everything about that day. Where we were, who was there, the feelings and emotions, the response I gave and the literal heartbreak I felt when those words came out his mouth.
He never said it again and I know he doesn't believe it. I don't know who put this in his head but I hope they are forever ashamed.
You were nasty and it was an unnecessary comment to make.

HollyStripes · 05/08/2021 02:38

What I find quite sad is that (im assuming) you will never get back with your ex. So your DC will never actually have full blood siblings. Any you have with another partner will also "Only" be half. So I presume whenever your child introduces anyone to your potential future children and says "this is my sister X", you're going to chime in and tell them "only his half sister". Probably not. But you've just informed your child that all they will ever have is "only" half and they will never have a full sibling. Thats pretty sad and sets them off on a "consolation prize" mentality in regards to any siblings they have.

Heliachi · 05/08/2021 02:49

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Heliachi · 05/08/2021 02:50

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melj1213 · 05/08/2021 03:45

My DD is an only child, her dad and I split up years ago and are definitely never getting back together. If he was to go on to have a new relationship and have a child, I cannot imagine any scenario in which I would go out if my way to make the point that that child was "only" my DDs half sibling, especially not after her first visit with them.

I would want to be doing everything to foster a good relationship between DD and her sibling. I would want her to feel secure in her relationship with her dad and not feel like she was being replaced or pushed out, so if she was excited to share all the information about her new sibling I would be wanting to encourage that positive reaction and I definitely would not want to be putting a negative spin on it by demoting her to a half sibling.

During the pregnancy/before her sibling was born I am sure there would be questions about the relationship, at which point the whole "full" vs "half" sibling would potentially come up but that would be a conversation to be had as my DD brought it up, not one to use to one up my DD.

Winwins · 05/08/2021 06:01

Correct to discuss it factually in advance when it came up.

Once you’d had that conversation, there is absolutely no need to step in to correct him. I’d be doing everything possible to foster a good relationship between them, and jumping in with a word that separates them isn’t helpful in that aim. Let him be excited, and let him think of his new sibling the same as he would if they shared both parents. He knows the facts already, all that matters is that he loves the baby.

BountyIsUnderrated · 05/08/2021 06:26

My husband has a half sister and he and his family don't really refer to her as a half sister and have treated her the same as his full sibling (albeit they will always have different mothers but there is no hostility over this).
Op knows deep down she did it just to be spiteful and put her own feelings above her sons to suck the enjoyment out of having a sibling. The fact she hasn't really participated in this discussion says it all.

zaffa · 05/08/2021 06:42

DSS mum did similar. He was quite upset actually because he adores his baby sister. We explained to him that family is family, and the biological ins and outs isn't as important as how you feel about each other. I have two half sisters and a half brother and they have never been anything other than my sisters and brother - it was easy to use this as an example for him and show him how much I adore my big brother to explain the relationship he could have with his sister.
FWIW I don't actually think his mum was being malicious, it was a passing comment. She calls her his baby sister now and when she talks to DD she refers to DSS as her big brother.

zaffa · 05/08/2021 06:51

Just to say, he knew that DD technically was not his full sister because he was 11 when she was born and understood that I was not his mum and how blood relations work, but he was desperate for a sibling (mostly a baby brother but he did manage to get over that disappointment too). He's almost 13 now and when I do the school run and have DD with me, he brings all his school friends to look at her and show her off. I'm not sure they are as enamoured with her as he is 😂