Half sibling

[Linnieloulou]

I recently told my son he was only a half brother to his dad’s new child after he came home from a visit telling me about his new brother. I explained to him that as his step mother is not his mum, it makes him a half brother. My ex is now upset that I didn’t involve him in this decision as he feels I should of discussed it with him first and agreed together how he refers to his sibling. He’s 9 years old so I feel he will work out for himself he is only half brother eventually so why not make it clear now. Have I been unreasonable?

I think it was a bit mean TBH of you to do that. Semantics don't matter to 9yo's, feelings matter, and h feels this baby is his brother.

You pissed on his chips a bit OP

Or is this a reverse and this has happened to you and new baby?

@CinnamonJellyBeans

Bizarre assumption? This forum is full of mothers of abandoned/ignored/impoverished children whose dads lavish care and money on their new kids and forget about their old family.

We don't know that this is the case here (as I said above) but it MAY be the case.

Any woman in that situation may find it very difficult to be diplomatic.

it is a bizarre assumption considering the little information that you have.

You could say oh every husband will cheat based on this board! but they dont all cheat...

and sorry but when it comes to your kids you suck it up and be diplomatic, i have dealt with dps ex for years and i hate the woman i really do but i have never once expressed it to her child, not once, because they come first, not my feelings. Same goes for OP.

@stellaisabella

Yeah that was really shitty. I'm sure you wouldn't have said that if you'd had a new baby. You clearly got the reaction you were looking for so I'm not sure why you're posting.

This is so bizarre as on other threads the OP is told that siblings should be told straightaway that new baby is a half-sibling only.

Do people still make this distinction in this day and age? You've basically told your son he will never have a real sibling and it's not true.

That's not an assumption @Getyourarseofffthequattro, it's a theory.

@MangoBiscuit

That's not an assumption *@Getyourarseofffthequattro*, it's a theory.

It was an "excuse" as to why it may be okay to act like OP has, when in fact its irrelevant - two wrongs dont make a right, do they?

I have a brother different Mum - but he is my brother. Not half.

Why did you feel the need to say anything? He’s aware that the brother has a different parent.

Why do insensitive OP?

@Linnieloulou, the baby is your son's half-brother. If you said 'only a half-brother', that's a bit off.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro, sorry, I missed some earlier posts. I take that back, posts further up were far more goady / assumption like

@Kindleandacuppa

The term half brother is not important. Was your son excited meeting his new brother? I feel like you correcting him that it was his half brother made you sound negative. Let him be happy and excited about his brother

I agree with this. It's not wrong of you to have told him, but you've pissed on his chips.

Hmm reverse?

I think you turned something nice for your ds into some sort of petty dig.

Your ds will no doubt pick up on your pettiness if you continue in the same way.

I don't see the point of "half" siblings, same with those relatives who are eg aunt "by marriage" not blood. I either feel related to someone or I don't.

But I voted YANBU because if your ex wanted to agree a mutual way to talk about the DC he should have discussed it with you first, before he spoke to your DC about it. Your ex has made it sound reasonable, except he hasn't done what he's claiming you should have done, so it isn't. What he's really meaning is "I can do whatever I like without discussing it with you and I did, but you didn't like it and corrected our DC. I didn't like you doing that or expressing that you have a different opinion to me, because your opinions don't matter to me and what I say goes."

Just nasty OP

I have a query. One of my children was born using an egg donor. Do I need to tell them they're only a half sister to the others?

Also interested to know what you would have said if his dad was adopting a child?

They know about the donor bit, not about the word half which seems important.

What he's really meaning is "I can do whatever I like without discussing it with you and I did, but you didn't like it and corrected our DC. I didn't like you doing that or expressing that you have a different opinion to me, because your opinions don't matter to me and what I say goes."

or maybe he's just upset his childs feelings have been hurt and the relationship between his children has been belittled?

I never "spoke to" dss about what he should refer to his brother as, he just naturally referred to him as his brother which is totally normal. Its not usual to need to have a conversation with your ex about things like this. As i said if it was OPs child would you think she ought to speak to her ex about how her first child reffered to her new child?

At 9 I doubt your child needs to be reminded who is and isn't his parent. Shit like this is why so many children of separated parents have to learn far to you to moderate what they can and can't say to a parent.

As children get older and are becoming adults we need to make sure they can talk to us, not hide the bits they think we don't want to hear.

Let’s be honest OP. You did this out of spite. You’re feeling resentful, most of us probably would feel the same way if our ex DH went off and had a baby with someone else. Yes, what you’ve said is the truth but it was unnecessary and you’ve probably confused the hell out of your kid. I highly doubt you would’ve done the same if it was you that had the new baby with a new partner.

• Bulbulousmaximus

I have a query. One of my children was born using an egg donor. Do I need to tell them they're only a half sister to the others?*

I would tell my children the truth personally, you don’t have to use half if you don’t like the term though, was you planning on not telling them?

@CinnamonJellyBeans

...and if I were the mum, I'd be telling the dad: "You want to call them brothers, you treat them exactly the same then. You can demonstrate this brotherhood by bringing my son on every family holiday and occasion, spending the same on him at Christmas, toys, activities and spending the same amount on his university.

Hmmm no.

Both brothers have different mothers and there is nearly a decade age gap.

So if one mother is earning more or has more family wealth than the other (which may actually be the OP) then the child of that mother will get more material things.

As there is an age gap of nearly a decade the older or younger one may require more or less help at for example university as fee and living cost structures change.

I'm saying this as someone with half-siblings from both parents. I didn't grow up comparing myself to my siblings with a different parent as their parental circumstances were not the same as mine. I couldn't even compare myself to my full-siblings due to an age gap of just under and over a decade, so some things that were free for them my parents had to pay for with me.

My kids know they are half siblings. Step DD’s mum died when she was little and she had photos up of her in her room. New dd kept pointing at the photos and asking if it was me, when she was around 2, so that is when I had to explain that although they are sisters they have different mums. Step dd calls me mum and lives with us, and I don’t refer to her as anything other than my daughter, unless someone specifically asks, or at the doctor’s or school. It might be different if she lived elsewhere, because then “half sibling” and “step child” would be connected to not being in the same family unit. In our home there’s nothing negative about it. We just don’t need to voice it often.