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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Half sibling

325 replies

Linnieloulou · 04/08/2021 11:05

I recently told my son he was only a half brother to his dad’s new child after he came home from a visit telling me about his new brother. I explained to him that as his step mother is not his mum, it makes him a half brother. My ex is now upset that I didn’t involve him in this decision as he feels I should of discussed it with him first and agreed together how he refers to his sibling. He’s 9 years old so I feel he will work out for himself he is only half brother eventually so why not make it clear now. Have I been unreasonable?

OP posts:
therocinante · 04/08/2021 14:28

Think this was a bit mean, personally - he obviously doesn't make the distinction, why at that point when he was excited would you be at pains to point out he's 'only' a half-brother? Because that's what it feels like, like you were trying to knock down the importance of it. He'll work out in time what full/half siblings are, but it's not actually that important for him to know, surely? He just needs to know it's a sibling that lives at daddy's house.

You (I hope) want your son to have a proper sibling relationship with his brother? So why try and make it sounds, to a 9 year old, like he's not quite a real/full/proper brother?

rumrunner123 · 04/08/2021 14:37

It is the "only" that is the real issue for me. If you said you explained that biologically they are your half sibling then that's one thing but if you said they are ONLY your half sibling then that is a very different matter.

Kids can sometimes be sensitive to this and it does hurt them. My DS and 2 of his step siblings refer to each other as siblings and never add the step.

I am having issues with some insensitive idiots at the moment. I have an 18 month DGS. He is actually my step not biologically BUT I was there when he was born, I stayed with his mommy (my DSD) at the hospital where he was born whilst he was transferred to NICU at different hospital and then spent everyday travelling to new hospital to look after DSD and ensure her, baby and daddy were ok for 3 weeks. He has needed ongoing care and support and is likely to his whole life and I am part of that care and support system.

I have recently become a biological Grandma and the amount of people all well meaning that pointed out that I would feel differently once I have my own grandchild. Its utter bollocks. I adore new grandchild, he is beautiful, my DS and his GF don't need the same help and support thankfully that DSD did but I visit often and they all come to ours every Sunday for dinner. I don't feel that my eldest GS is less of my GS because he isn't biologically related to me. I am pretty sure my DSD would be absolutely heartbroken if I ever said he is ONLY my step GS.

blahblahblah321 · 04/08/2021 14:38

Ugh I hate the term half sibling. My boys have different Dads but I've never referred to them as half brothers - they are just brothers. They have grown up together, but even DS1's brother/sister on his Dads side are simply that - his brother and sister

Dreamscomingtrue · 04/08/2021 14:43

I have a half brother & 3 half sisters, we have different mothers. I don’t see it as a problem calling them that. It makes it easier in conversations about them as people who know me wrongly assume that I’m an only child. It’s Just a biological fact.

LoverOfLight · 04/08/2021 14:46

It's not really about whether it is or isn't okay to use the term half sibling. It's the use of the term in this particular context.

I know this is AIBU and people are harsh, but honestly any kind of meanness towards a child is naturally going to raise hackles. I'm not surprised people have taken this badly, especially the way the OP is written. There is absolutely no mitigating information or rationale behind doing such a thing to help garner sympathy or understanding.

floatingon · 04/08/2021 14:47

Personally I don’t think it was needed, I have 2 younger siblings on my dads side and they are my sisters not my half sisters. I’m sure your son will decide himself wether he wants to call the child a half brother/brother etc.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 04/08/2021 14:49

It very much depends how and why you told him. Not that you actually needed to tell him. I think it's petty and it sounds like you took the joy out of his excitement to prove a point.

Bulbulousmaximus · 04/08/2021 14:54

13:55PumpkinKlNG

In answer to your question:

was you planning on not telling them?

It hasn't occurred to me to tell the siblings they are in any way not full siblings although certainly they're aware that an egg donor was used to bring one of them into the world.

jennytogether · 04/08/2021 14:55

My partner still remembers the day that someone told him that his siblings weren’t his full siblings, but his half siblings. He’d never thought of them like that before and made him feel separate from them from that point forward.

Lokdok · 04/08/2021 14:59

How mean! I’d be mad about that. He was excited about his new brother and you said he was ‘only half’. Not really the time is it. Factual, genetically yes, but really unkind and will be making him feel very excluded like he’s only half in that new family. Definitely should have spoke about that one together, if you really thought it needed saying at all.

Coyoacan · 04/08/2021 15:07

It's the way you say "only" a half sibling.

BruceAndNosh · 04/08/2021 15:08

You were NBU to point out they are half brothers.
You were BU to say "ONLY" half brothers

Kettledodger · 04/08/2021 15:14

I have several siblings that have a different mother. My own child has a sibling from his dads previous relationship. I have never EVER referred to my brothers and sisters or DSS to DS as "half" .

It's a really weird way to look at it IMO and says more about your own insecurities OP. Make this a joyful thing for your DS or at least step back and be neutral without and undertones.

Summer7 · 04/08/2021 15:29

That was extremely unkind of you, what a selfish thing to say... As long as it made you feel better, right!

Sugarplumfairy65 · 04/08/2021 15:32

What a shitty way to tell him

Maui69 · 04/08/2021 15:35

I'm afraid that's rather cruel OP, and you were definitely being unreasonable. All of my siblings are half siblings but I don't refer to them as half siblings as I feel it doesn't matter, they're just as much my siblings as they would be if they were full siblings. I'm still close to them all and I've never once called any of them a half brother/sister. You need to apologise to your son.

HollyStripes · 04/08/2021 15:41

I think you were right that he is a half brother and it shouldnt be a secret. I personally have half siblings and a word does not change how I feel about them. I love them just as much as my full sibling. I also refer to them as my brother and sister although I know they are only half.

However I think the context in which you told him was mean. There was no need to piss on his parade. You could have mentioned it when his stepmum was pregnant or done a family tree with him and pointed it out. He was excited and you tried to take away from it. YABU.

princesslarmadrama · 04/08/2021 15:45

Stop using the word half and just refer to his new sibling as his brother. Don't take your hateful feelings towards your ex out on your son ffs!

DoTheNextRightThing · 04/08/2021 16:02

"Only a half brother"? Jesus. I mean yeah, they are half brothers but pointing it out and saying "only" sounds like you're trying to take the shine off it and make him feel less excited about his new sibling. How sad.

hartwood · 04/08/2021 16:58

I think it's a really shitty time to bring it up when he's excited about his new baby brother. He is obviously aware that they have different mums and don't live together full time so why is there even a need to bring it up? Unless he was asking questions about it, seems a really weird time to mention it. I'd think it was a dig.

AllTheSingleLadiess · 04/08/2021 17:02

Yanbu to introduce the concept of half brother but the fact that you used the phrase only his half-brother makes you sound mean and like you want to piss on his parade.

I'm guessing that he knows that his step mother isn't his mother so that the baby's mum isn't you?

Comedycook · 04/08/2021 17:03

It's obvious his brother has a different mum...there's no need to give it a special word to piss on his chips

Drivingmeupthewall · 04/08/2021 18:35

Rather depends on your motivation for telling him this. If it was spite at your ex having a new baby with someone else, then you were unreasonable. If it was a dispassionate imparting of facts, that’s not unreasonable.

Killahangilion · 04/08/2021 18:57

I get you might be feeling bitter about your ex and his new partner. My ex cheated and luckily I don’t see him anymore.

However, please don’t deliberately try to sabotage your son’s relationship with his dad and this new baby brother because of your own hurt feelings.

One day in the future you’ll be dead and your son will appreciate having a brother around. Or not, if you don’t support their relationship.

My step-sons are fantastic older brothers to my son and I’m incredibly grateful that they refer to him as their younger brother and treat him well. If something happens to me, I know they will be there to help and support DS.

LoveFall · 04/08/2021 18:58

I have a stepson. He has been my stepson for over 40 years. We are close and I love him like a son. I would never treat him differently than a biological son. I am blessed to have him.

My late parents treated stepson like a grandchild also and he has very fond memories.

No I was not the other woman. I met DH several years after his breakup.

My stepson has children whom I call my grandchildren. They have never known life without me. They are teens now and call me grandma.

Their biological grandma (she is called something different) has taken great pains to make sure they know I am not their "real grandma." She told them when they were as young as three.

I remember grandson at about 4 saying "[name] says you are not my real grandma."

It threw me momentarily as is seemed a bit young to be making such distinctions actively. They of course knew she was their Dad's mum.

I just confirmed that yes, grandpa was married to someone else when he had your Dad. But that doesn't change how I feel about you. I love you very much and will always be there for you and be your grandma.

I know that ex said it to gain points but that has been the case forever.
She did the same with stepson constantly over the years.

Think about the impact your comments have on your son. It does undermine his relationship with the new sibling. Marriage break up is hard, and especially hard with children involved. Resist the temptation to try and score points. The more people love your child the better.