Page 13 | Half sibling

Linnieloulou · 2021-08-04T10:05:15+00:00

I recently told my son he was only a half brother to his dad’s new child after he came home from a visit telling me about his new brother. I explained to him that as his step mother is not his mum, it makes him a half brother. My ex is now upset that I didn’t involve him in this decision as he feels I should of discussed it with him first and agreed together how he refers to his sibling. He’s 9 years old so I feel he will work out for himself he is only half brother eventually so why not make it clear now. Have I been unreasonable?

SuperCaliFragalistic · 05/08/2021 07:21

I don't see the issue. No harm in explaining the facts of the matter.

Original poster

Linnieloulou · 05/08/2021 07:26

I think you need to give over. I was asking for advice on the situation. Thank you for accusing me of being goadie and troll for a reaction…, you seem like the one goading and trolling. I asked for advice. I don’t need to clarify the situation further if I don’t choose to. I appreciate people’s comments and I am actually feeling quite silly now for how I approached the situation with my son.

OP posts:

kaleidoscopeheartless · 05/08/2021 07:32

You should be feeling more than just silly. I hope in future you refer to your sons new brother as his actual brother, half or not! Don't think you'd be saying half sibling if it was you having another child!

zaffa · 05/08/2021 07:37

Also I think I missed the use of the word only. That does change the tone of it quite a lot actually, DSS mum didn't say that and if she had it would have had more of a lasting impact I think. It's not very kind - are you jealous of the baby and your ex moving on?

Muma1992 · 05/08/2021 07:44

Why would you say that to him? That is horrible.
We don't do "halves" in this house, we're just family.

DiddlySquatWilson · 05/08/2021 07:58

I can't think of any other reason you'd feel the need to say this to him other than because you don't like the fact your ex has had a baby and you don't want your son to be happy about it. I think it's made you seem really petty and cruel.

He's 9, I'm sure he's well aware that his brother and he don't have the same mother.

What are you expecting him to do? Make sure he adds in the 'half' part every time he refers to his brother?

I don't even understand poster's saying the time to have the conversation was when she was pregnant. This, in my opinion, isn't a conversation that needs to happen at any point in time.

My husband's ex tried to pull this too. My DSC was a bit younger at the time so started referring to me as his 'half mum' which I imagine pissed her off even more and made her wish she'd never bothered bringing up 'half' anything.

Also agree with PPs, I can't imagine you being so quick to clarify the situation if the baby was yours and a new partners. This isn't because you were concerned about making sure he knew proper factual biology, you were annoyed your ex has had a baby with someone else and you've tried to make it a negative thing for your child because of that. It's obvious.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 05/08/2021 08:49

@Linnieloulou

I think you need to give over. I was asking for advice on the situation. Thank you for accusing me of being goadie and troll for a reaction…, you seem like the one goading and trolling. I asked for advice. I don’t need to clarify the situation further if I don’t choose to. I appreciate people’s comments and I am actually feeling quite silly now for how I approached the situation with my son.

Only the trolls never answer actual questions and just ramble about not being troll or disappear, so you weren't helping.

And yeah. Yabu and I have a feeling it's due to some bitter feelings which always end up showing.

JustLyra · 05/08/2021 09:00

@SuperCaliFragalistic

I don't see the issue. No harm in explaining the facts of the matter.

There’s a time and place for it, and that’s not when a child is excitedly telling you about their new sibling.

toocold54 · 05/08/2021 09:12

I appreciate people’s comments and I am actually feeling quite silly now for how I approached the situation with my son.

I’m glad you realise you were in the wrong. Perhaps try and do some damage control and explain how they are still proper brothers. You could go shopping today and buy his new brother a toy and ask ex if he can drop it over for him.
This is really exciting news for him to have a sibling so try and show you share his excitement as much as you can.

aSofaNearYou · 05/08/2021 09:16

I think this really depends on what you said and how. As others have said, saying this in response to him coming home excited about his brother COULD have come across as negative. It might not have been the right time. But on the other hand, it shouldn't be a dirty secret that you aren't allowed to say. I am a step parent, and I would not be ok with being told I cannot mention this reality around my DSS and DD. DSS has form for getting confused and thinking my DP and his mum are both as connected to DD as they are to him, and I'm not willing to be written out of the narrative of my own DDs life like that. You're in a similar position from a different perspective.

So I would say you may have said it at the wrong time and might need to do some damage control in terms of being positive about the baby, but equally your ex is wrong to flip out you discussing this. Young children who don't really understand how babies are made get things mixed up and end up with strange ideas as a result.

DiddlySquatWilson · 05/08/2021 09:21

@aSofaNearYou I get that but I don't know any 9yr old who (except in the case of SEN) wouldn't already know that their siblings mother wasn't the same as his mother in this scenario. They aren't tiny children unable to understand this themselves at that age.

And saying 'only' definitely implies it's not 'proper'.

aSofaNearYou · 05/08/2021 09:24

[quote DiddlySquatWilson]@aSofaNearYou I get that but I don't know any 9yr old who (except in the case of SEN) wouldn't already know that their siblings mother wasn't the same as his mother in this scenario. They aren't tiny children unable to understand this themselves at that age.

And saying 'only' definitely implies it's not 'proper'.[/quote]
Yes, I agree this was not necessary at this time, and that "only" is a negative word to use regardless. I just also think it shouldn't be something that can never be mentioned, which is the mentality some seem to have.

ILoveShula · 05/08/2021 10:03

Well said, @aSofaNearYou.

LizzieW1969 · 05/08/2021 10:17

I have already on this thread agreed that this wasn’t the time for the OP to talk about the baby only being a half sibling.

However, I don’t agree that it should never be talked about at all. My DSis’s DSS was 12 when she and his dad had their DD, they had 2 DSs after that, I bio and 1 adopted. They made a point of never saying that they were DSS’s half siblings and insisted that we considered him to be our actual nephew.

This was fine and he’s very close to his younger siblings. The problem, though, was that he didn’t understand why they had no connection at all with his mum’s younger DC, despite them also being his siblings. He needed to be told that they were ‘half siblings’ to help him understand. (And he was a teenager then, not a young child!)

Fullofglee · 05/08/2021 10:20

At 9 he knows they have different mums but the same dad you wanted to stick in the boot in something that was an happy event meeting his new sibling and wanting to make it less by referring them as half, you knew what you were doing. Ex did the same when I had dd and I pulled him up at the time he went on to have dc and I never referred to them as half siblings to ds. Grow up

DiddlySquatWilson · 05/08/2021 10:21

If a child is struggling with understanding the situation then of course, explain it to them so that it's clarified for them. But that's very different to just bringing it up out of no where and no, I don't think it ever needs to be brought up for literally no reason. The OP has not given any actual reason for her to need to do this. If there's no real reason to bring it up, then why would you ever need to?

happinessischocolate · 05/08/2021 10:28

So if your ex and his wife/partner have more children, and end up with 3 or 4 you'll be happy when they're all grown up if they refer to your son as being only their half brother?

My ex had a dd when I met him, she's is sister to the 2 dc we had together, and he's now married a woman who already has a dd and she is their sister too.

Families are about including people, not finding ways of excluding them.

happinessischocolate · 05/08/2021 10:34

I appreciate people’s comments and I am actually feeling quite silly now for how I approached the situation with my son

Sorry just seen this which I missed before, well done for taking on board what people are saying. Like a pp I would suggest going shopping with your son and buying a toy for the baby.

Spidey66 · 05/08/2021 10:36

Technically you're right but the way you put it to him sounded nasty like you were trying to get one over his dad and/or stepmother.

The only experience I have in the area is my brother has two kids by his first wife and 1 by his second and afaik there is no talk of 'half though im sure they know they are. The oldest 2 are adults and I'm sure will be able to explain if needed that there is a half sister on their dad's side.

Spidey66 · 05/08/2021 10:38

Note to self: read whole thread or at least OPs posts. I see you've taken it on board. Sorry x

JustLyra · 05/08/2021 10:39

@DiddlySquatWilson

If a child is struggling with understanding the situation then of course, explain it to them so that it's clarified for them. But that's very different to just bringing it up out of no where and no, I don't think it ever needs to be brought up for literally no reason. The OP has not given any actual reason for her to need to do this. If there's no real reason to bring it up, then why would you ever need to?

This.

No-one on the thread (that I can see) has said any confusion or questions from the child should be ignored

We had to explain the different labels to DS1 when I was pregnant with DS2 because he thought another child that lives with you, but doesn’t have the same Mum is your cousin, due to DN living with us at that point, yet he was confused because he knew if you have the same dad you are brothers.

There’s a gulf of difference between clarifying or explaining to a child and trying to damage the link with words like “only”.

tootiredtospeak · 05/08/2021 10:42

Nope not impressed all my 3 kids live with me 2 same dad 1 different...they are brothers and sisters.

HoppingPavlova · 05/08/2021 11:16

I have a sibling with one different parent to me. When anyone has ever referred to them as my half-sibling I have gladly ripped them a new one. How vile. We are not dumb, we completely understand we have one parent in common but we are not ‘half’. We are siblings. They feel the same I do.

Maggiesfarm · 05/08/2021 11:18

@happinessischocolate

I appreciate people’s comments and I am actually feeling quite silly now for how I approached the situation with my son

Sorry just seen this which I missed before, well done for taking on board what people are saying. Like a pp I would suggest going shopping with your son and buying a toy for the baby.

We all make errors of judgement sometimes, happiness. You can put this one right and then put it behind you.

rwalker · 06/08/2021 16:04

Fair do's OP put it right .