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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Half sibling

325 replies

Linnieloulou · 04/08/2021 11:05

I recently told my son he was only a half brother to his dad’s new child after he came home from a visit telling me about his new brother. I explained to him that as his step mother is not his mum, it makes him a half brother. My ex is now upset that I didn’t involve him in this decision as he feels I should of discussed it with him first and agreed together how he refers to his sibling. He’s 9 years old so I feel he will work out for himself he is only half brother eventually so why not make it clear now. Have I been unreasonable?

OP posts:

anon12345678901 · 04/08/2021 12:32

My son knows he has a half sister, he was told by his dad she is his half sibling, which is the truth. He's still knows she's his sister.

Thisnamewasnttaken123 · 04/08/2021 12:33

I think you sounded like you did it in a negative way, in the use of term 'only.'
I am doubtful if you had just had a baby you would tell your child it's only your half sibling.
I can see why your ex is annoyed, I would be too.

GullyGull · 04/08/2021 12:33

I don't think the OP is coming back

Hekatestorch · 04/08/2021 12:34

The problem is the timing of this.

And the 'only bit is really off.

Sounds like you were really happy to dampen your sons excitment to prove a point. Its a bit shitty to do to your own child.

Redinthefacegirl · 04/08/2021 12:34

I'm the younger half sibling and I'm not an "only" anything.

We never refer to each other as half unless we are explaining the 20yr or 18yr age gap to people who look confused, even then we often just leave it at, "yes, there is a big age gap and no, we aren't mother and daugther".

It comes across as if you are undermining what could potentially be an important and special relationship. They may or may not end up close. I am very lucky to be close to my siblings despite the age gap and it enhances my life. Please let your son enjoy this too.

SixesAndEights · 04/08/2021 12:34

You've been a bit of a cow raining on his parade.

An excited little boy coming home and talking about his brother, and his mum has to tell him the new baby is "only" a half brother.

Nasty.

Nietzschethehiker · 04/08/2021 12:35

Surely this is one of those things that can't be answered out of context ?

My Ds1 would be likely to ask me questions in that scenario , he is SEN and he struggles to understand the intricacies of relationships. I could absolutely see him asking me some questions to clarify things. They disconnect with how he views the people emotionally , he just needs to have structure explained to have a format in his head. So fine if the DC asked there's nothing wrong with answering factually. I don't lie outright to my DC so if they ask I answer truthfully but I often don't offer extra information if it isn't necessary.

If you insisted on explaining the difference to him without being asked then yes it's a really unnecessary thing to do. It comes across as a bit nasty. There is no need to push clarification until the DC needs it. Ultimately its whether this was something the DC wanted or whether it was about meeting your own needs. Not great if it's the latter. If it was it comes across as using your own DC to emotionally point score and that's pretty rubbish even if you didn't mean to it appears like that.

That said if Ex felt strongly about it it wouldn't have killed him to give you a warning that he wanted to discuss it.

NamiSwan · 04/08/2021 12:35

I think you are being VU. I have two older "half" siblings - my mum had two kids with her first partner then married my dad and had me and my brother. Age gap between me and my oldest brother and sister is 9 and 7 years respectively. Have never once in my life thought of them as my half siblings. Yes, technically they are but to me they are just my brother and sister and just as much my brother and sister as my "full" brother. I know the feeling is mutual. But then I also have fully step siblings that I refer to (and think of) as brothers (rather than step brothers) so clearly I have a more relaxed view than you about what constitutes family.

I think what it comes down to is you took it upon yourself to "other" your sons sibling and the use of "half" in this case sounds negative like the baby isn't a proper sibling. I expect this is what your ex is upset about. If your son wants to refer to his brother as his brother, I don't see why you felt the need to make a big deal about it only being "half" - it just sounds lesser in my view. Of course he will realise that he's not fully blood related to his sibling but that doesn't necessarily mean they are any less of a sibling. It's also probably a difficult time for your son with his father having a new baby with another woman, so I think its a bit shitty of you to take it upon yourself to make your son feel a bit apart from his new sibling and drive a wedge there - but maybe that was what you intended?

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 04/08/2021 12:35

@Peppapigforlife

Would you have interrupted his excitement to make sure he knew that any new child of yours was 'only' his half brother?

This. You can dress it up how you like, telling the truth etc. but it comes down to not liking seeing your son so excited about a baby brother that has been born to his dad. At nine your son will remember this, and other similar things you might say and do, into adulthood. So I would be very careful OP and think hard about what opinion you want your son to grow up having of you.

Banani · 04/08/2021 12:36

Presumably at his age he noticed it was step mum who was pregnant not you, so he knows he and his half brother have different mums. Seems petty to highlight it at a moment of excitement, especially if you said ‘only’.
I have four siblings, technically 2 are ‘half siblings’ but we all refer to ourselves as brothers and sister and don’t think anything of it.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 04/08/2021 12:38

You may have been correct but it really wasn't the time to be saying that. He was excited about his new brother and it does sound like you spoilt it for your son. There was no reason to do that.

NoThannks · 04/08/2021 12:38

It's factual and it is what it is. I wouldn't belabour the fact again though.

Not the same, I have a step brother, we were merged when we were 6/7 and raised as siblings, we do both refer to each other as steps. No damage done.

AgathaAllAlong · 04/08/2021 12:41

Massively unreasonable to say "only" a half brother. Your kid was excited, you've diminished it on purpose.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 04/08/2021 12:41

Does he think you have birth to his brother?
Unless he does, he already knows his brother has a different mum and there is no reason to go on about he's only a half brother.

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 04/08/2021 12:43

@LittleBitOfMayo

Also pretty sure you wouldn't be correcting him if you had a child.

Actually, that's an interesting point - although I wonder if a sibling is less likely to be referred to as 'half' if both are habitually resident in the same home (and therefore more likely to be the mother's).

I'm inclined to think you aren't being merely factual because you've twice used the word 'only'. That's quite unpleasant, actually. That said - my brother and sister are ten and fifteen years older than me. I've never lived with them and have spent fewer than a dozen nights under the same roof as them. I do refer to them as my half-brother and half-sister and there's absolutely no animus at all.

CaitlyntheCactus · 04/08/2021 12:44

You sound like you were trying to piss on his chips.

Fiddliestofsticks · 04/08/2021 12:44

He's 9. How did he not already know that? He must know what sex is and where babies come from, so he knows the new baby was made by dad and step mum. He must have already known it. You didn't need to tell him, and you ans your ex certainly didn't need to sit down and discuss it first. I cant believe that a 9 year old didn't know.

However, I dont know anyone with a half brother or sister who goes around saying "my half brother is coming over." They just say brother or sister.

Mammyloveswine · 04/08/2021 12:45

I have two "half" siblings.. I find the term awful and it makes out that we aren't "properly" related. They are my brother and sister and that has always and will always be the case.

I think you have been very spiteful,

Of course your 9 year old knows his step mum is not his mum!

But he has a bee baby brother. If you had another baby would you make such an effort to remind your older son that they are not fully related?!

Honestly I'm appalled tbh.

Gillgardens · 04/08/2021 12:45

I recently told my son he was only a half brother to his dad’s new child after he came home from a visit telling me about his new brother.

The word that stands out is not half but the fact you said ONLY. That was very unkind, if not cruel. I wonder if your son will remember the day he was so excited about his brother and you spoilt it for him? I bet he does.

My children, who are adopted, met up with their ONLY HALF biological siblings as adults, and we all refer to them as brothers or sisters, half has never crossed our lips.

Cravey · 04/08/2021 12:48

I have 2 siblings. We don't have the same father. Never has anyone gone out of the way to correct me when we say of this is my brother /sister. You're just being plain nasty. And I know you know you are. They're little children. Siblings. Don't be that person !

m0therofdragons · 04/08/2021 12:49

My granny’s brother is her brother despite different dads. His dad died and his mum remarried and had my granny. While technically he’s a half brother it just seems unnecessary to bring that up and i can see why your ex would question the motivation and be concerned how it was said.

StrangeToSee · 04/08/2021 12:50

It sounds like you felt left out of the family unit that his dad and step mum were trying to make him feel part of. It’s rather sad for your son.

Yes it’s factual but why not let him realise in his own time? He knows the baby has a different mum. Unless he asked you for the correct title why mention it and make him feel like he doesn’t have a ‘real’ brother?

Does he now feel like he can’t refer to him as his ‘baby brother’?

Crabbitcrab · 04/08/2021 12:50

@Linnieloulou are you coming back or is this a froth and run?

Goldenfan · 04/08/2021 12:51

My mum used to say half all the time when I talked about my sisters as a child. Me and my sisters have different mums. It really hurt me as a child because I felt like I had said or done something wrong. It made me feel very negative and still does. I was anxious about this as a child and struggled then to understand dynamics and I felt I couldn't talk about them or get close to them for fear of hurting my mum.

My dc are technically half siblings but they don't know this.

As adults my and my sisters are sisters and thats it. The half dosnt really matter.

Why make things complicated just to hurt your ex or through jealousy.

Ambergreengo · 04/08/2021 12:52

My mum did this exact thing whenever i spoke about by older ‘half’ sister at home. Tbh it just made me angry and upset and in the end I just stopped talking about my sister to my mum which is kind of sad. I have a good relationship with my mum and I love her a lot but I remember these moments (and not fondly)

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