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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Half sibling

325 replies

Linnieloulou · 04/08/2021 11:05

I recently told my son he was only a half brother to his dad’s new child after he came home from a visit telling me about his new brother. I explained to him that as his step mother is not his mum, it makes him a half brother. My ex is now upset that I didn’t involve him in this decision as he feels I should of discussed it with him first and agreed together how he refers to his sibling. He’s 9 years old so I feel he will work out for himself he is only half brother eventually so why not make it clear now. Have I been unreasonable?

OP posts:
Amiaeful86 · 04/08/2021 12:52

I think you need to ask yourself if you had a another child would you tell your son it was his half sibling? If you wouldn’t do it that way round YABU
My eldest has a different dad to his brothers and they are brothers, they consider themselves brothers and wouldn’t think anything else but this shouldn’t only be the case when the mother has more children it works both ways

RedMarauder · 04/08/2021 12:53

Actually, that's an interesting point - although I wonder if a sibling is less likely to be referred to as 'half' if both are habitually resident in the same home (and therefore more likely to be the mother's).

Depends if the parent is as spiteful as the OP.

I have "half" siblings from both my parents. They were always referred to by both my parents as my brother or sister without the "half".

My parents did it for a good reason as they knew that if they dropped dead tomorrow it would be us siblings who would rely on each other. My parents and step-parents are now actually all dead.

I have met quite a few people over the years who as adults have found out they have a brother or sister from one of their parents who was either adopted or they just didn't know they existed for years. They never call them "half".

timeisnotaline · 04/08/2021 12:54

He’s his brother. If you had a baby would you say here darling ds meet your sister? She’s only your half sister though remember, not a real sister. Nasty.

Maggiesfarm · 04/08/2021 12:55

@Kindleandacuppa

The term half brother is not important. Was your son excited meeting his new brother? I feel like you correcting him that it was his half brother made you sound negative. Let him be happy and excited about his brother
Exactly.

He's old enough, or will be soon, to know that his sibling is a half sibling so why emphasise it?

I've known people who have told their children, "These are your brothers and/or sisters, you are all family, the 'half' is not important'," which sounds OK to me. I would say the same.

My father in law had two step siblings, no blood relation at all, and always thought of them as his brother and sister, as they thought of him as their brother. Their children were my husband's cousins.

Sodisgusting · 04/08/2021 12:55

I think you have.

Cadent · 04/08/2021 12:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gogohm · 04/08/2021 12:56

Yabu yes technically they are half siblings but it matters not, they are siblings nobody talks about half in real life unless they are bitter.

My ex's sis is is half sister but she's just his sister in all our eyes, and despite us splitting up, she'll always be my sil

EverybodyIsInteresting · 04/08/2021 12:57

My children have a 'half-brother', my ex's son, that they have sadly never met. They are very much aware that they have a brother though. I think the 'half' term, which technically correct, isn't helpful.

Nobody has 'half-family'. They have family. Their brother is part of their family, even though he's not part of mine. He's their brother.

SunshineCake · 04/08/2021 12:57

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MolyHolyGuacamole · 04/08/2021 12:58

Did you also make sure to tell him that his dad and step mum had sex when they announced their pregnancy? As it's a biological fact and he'll realise it sooner or later Hmm

Icenii · 04/08/2021 13:01

You pissed on your own sons parade. How lovely.

Hopefully you did it in a manner that confirmed that a 'half' sibling is just as important and special as a 'full' sibling.

sofiegiraffe · 04/08/2021 13:01

I have 2 "full" siblings and 4 "half" siblings. Never in my life have j felt the need to distinguish between the two - I tell people I'm one of seven when I get asked about brothers and sisters.

Equally, my daughter has 2 "half" siblings at her dad's - she and i have always referred to them as her little brother and sister. She also now has a baby sibling with me and her stepdad - who is also her sister and not a "half" anything. She knows there are different sets of parents involved for each - she doesn't need it pointing out. I agree with others - I'm questioning your motivation for pointing it out. Just seems cruel.

LittleBitOfMayo · 04/08/2021 13:01

@WhatIsThisPlease yes she is being nasty.

The fact she said 'only' a half brother.

sofiegiraffe · 04/08/2021 13:03

@timeisnotaline

He’s his brother. If you had a baby would you say here darling ds meet your sister? She’s only your half sister though remember, not a real sister. Nasty.

Exactly. OP definitely wouldn't introduce her own baby in this way I'm sure.

Missmonkeypenny · 04/08/2021 13:03

DS and DD do not have the same dad. We have never, ever called them half siblings. They are brother and sister. DD knows DS has a different dad, her step dad, but that doesn't make him any less her brother or us any less of a family.

It sounds like you're trying to curb his enthusiasm by chucking the 'half' sibling thing out there.

SD1978 · 04/08/2021 13:04

Fine, it's factual, but it's a kinda twatty move as well, and seemed almost designed to bring him down from being excited. He was excited about his new brother, and wanted to share that with you. I get that you don't have any reason to be pleased necessarily for your ex, but explaining family technical dynamics to a nine year old when he was trying to share with you.........you've had months before the birth to get that point across if you really felt you had to. Your timing was spiteful, and sounds as if it was designed to bring your kid down, which makes you a bit of a tit.

Purplecatshopaholic · 04/08/2021 13:04

@AtrociousCircumstance

You were laying your shit on him I’m afraid.

It was unnecessary.

This. Were you being factual - really? Or perhaps just a little bit snide because of your own views/issues… we don’t know the answer, it’s one for you to think about…
Livingmagicallyagain · 04/08/2021 13:04

Close friend, child psychiatrist, told me never ever to refer to my DC (eldest has a different dad) as “half” siblings. I wouldn’t have, anyway! They are simply brothers and sisters.

eliohelio · 04/08/2021 13:07

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2LostSoulsSwimmingInAFishBowl · 04/08/2021 13:09

What you’ve said is true but was it necessary at that point in the conversation? How did you say it? “He’s only a half brother” implies that they’re relationship is less than if they are full brothers. If that’s what you’re implying then that is spiteful and uncalled for. I’d be very pissed off if I was your ex and thought you’d said what you’d said in a nasty way.

FawnFrenchieMum · 04/08/2021 13:09

If he has asked you questions about it then it’s NBU to answer factually. By correcting him during his excitement you are BU.

Comedycook · 04/08/2021 13:09

Is this a reverse?

usernamealreadytaken · 04/08/2021 13:10

@LittleBitOfMayo

Also pretty sure you wouldn't be correcting him if you had a child.
This, 100%
godmum56 · 04/08/2021 13:15

To me it does sound like you wanted to piss on his chips....I mean who cares and especially not at his age. I think your use of the word "only" is very telling.....

TwitchyLittleFerret · 04/08/2021 13:15

Nasty. I was raised with a brother that was, as you put it, "only" a half-brother and I was never corrected or told he was my half brother. Funnily enough, I had no problems understanding our parentage was different.

I'd never dream of pointing out that my child is my step-daughter's half-sibling and thankfully her mum hasn't been as petty as you to do so either.

Of course address it if questions are asked, however parentage is obvious and isn't going to come as a shock to your son in the future, so why feel the need to correct him now?